Hate to Love You

by Carrie Davis

  “Yeah. I can come back for my bags later.”

  I smiled, and we walked back to the house together, each of us moving cautiously so as not to awaken those still sleeping.

  I didn’t want anyone cutting in on this surprise alone time with Matthew, and I didn’t think Matthew was quite ready for a family reunion.

  We slipped into the kitchen and I found another coffee cup, while Matthew looked around the room that was no longer familiar to him.

  “I forgot my mother had remodeled.”

  “Well, she didn’t have a choice, after Amanda nearly burned down the room.”

  “I heard about that.”

  “A cooking lesson gone very wrong.” I turned and handed him his coffee, earning an actual smile from him, and again my heart began to race as our eyes locked briefly.

  The moment ended too quickly, with Matthew turning away to find the cream and sugar I had left out. I held back a sigh.

  This wasn’t going to be easy.

  Feeling nervous—and not liking it one bit, damn it—I stood, searching my mind for something to say, something clever and charming, something that would make Matthew realize I wasn’t the same cowardly asshole I had once been.

  “How was the flight?” Lame, yes, but at least it was a starting point.

  “Fine.”

  Oh yes, one-word answers were always such fun. “Your parents should be up soon.”

  He said nothing to that, and my gaze fell to his ass—his utterly mouth-watering ass—and I nearly moaned out loud.

  Naturally, he chose that moment to turn around, and I felt my face flame as I brought my gaze to his, and I could see he was surprised.

  “Matthew—”

  “Look, let’s just stop this now.” He set his coffee on the table. “There’s some strange history here, with you and Amanda, and you...” He gestured between us. “I know we’re stuck together for the next week, but…the past is the past, and I think we can act like civil adults.” It was an impressive speech, but I knew he was nervous, and while what he had said wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, it was an opening and I was willing to jump on it.

  “There is some strange history, Matthew, I can admit that, but I...” I drew in a breath, wincing when I heard the sound of a door closing upstairs and, expectedly, Matthew tensed, because this meant he would soon be facing someone from his family.

  “Shit.”

  “It’s gonna be okay.”

  Those beautiful blue eyes fired a look that said otherwise and I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him.

  “Have lunch with me today?”

  “What?”

  I drew in another breath and forged ahead. “We have an appointment, a final fitting for the tuxes, but afterward Alex has to head back to work, and Amanda and your mom are meeting with the caterer for some last-minute changes and...” Stop rambling, Dexter. “Anyway, I really want to talk to you, so why don’t we have lunch?”

  “Dexter—”

  “We could go to Albert’s.” It was a popular pizza place, and I remember Amanda having once said Matthew loved it.

  “That place is still open?”

  “Yep. How about you let me buy you lunch?” Please. Please. Please.

  “I don’t know.” He glanced upward at the sound of another door closing. “Fine.” His gaze met mine again and I smiled, considering that a small victory, but I knew I had a long way to go before we were comfortable around each other.

  There was more I wanted to say, but before I could Amanda came bouncing down the stairs and threw herself into Matthew’s arms.

  Damn, but I hated her in that moment.

  “Matthew! You’re already here!”

  “And you’re gonna wake up the rest of the house.” Matthew laughed, pulling back to smile at her.

  “Who cares?” She hugged him again. “I’m so glad you could come.”

  “Are you kidding? I wouldn’t miss your wedding.”

  There was an obvious affection between them. It was nice to see, but it made me feel like an outsider, especially when Jenna came downstairs and had the same reaction to Matthew as Amanda, before she began fussing and insisting that she cook breakfast.

  It was something of a warm family moment—something Matthew needed, I suspected—but it didn’t last long.

  The moment Raymond came downstairs, something in the air shifted. I could feel a tension settle over everyone in the room.

  I watched as Matthew forced a smile, despite his tension, as he addressed his father.

  “Hi, Dad.”

  Raymond simply looked at him for a long moment, before he finally nodded and turned his attention to his wife.

  “I have to get to work.”

  “Raymond—”

  “I’ll see you later, Jenna.” His tone left no room for argument and Matthew’s eyes fell. He obviously had no desire to watch his father stalk from the kitchen, but Jenna recovered quickly and again began chattering about breakfast.

  I wanted to follow Raymond from the room and call him an ass, but I didn’t.

  Fuck him, I decided.

  Maybe I looked up to Raymond when I was a kid, but that was over now. He could kiss my ass, because I didn’t give a damn about him.

  Matthew was my concern.

  Matthew had already been hurt enough by his father, and because of me, but I wouldn’t stand for him to be hurt again.

  As if he sensed I was thinking about him, Matthew looked up, and our eyes locked and held.

  Again, I wanted to reach out to him, but I didn’t.

  I couldn’t.

  Not yet. I had to earn his trust first, and once I had that, I would push for more and pray Matthew could maybe feel something for me.

  All we had to do was officially put the past in the past.

  Far easier said than done, but I was determined and I had Matthew in my sights.

  I was going to win his heart and once I did, I would spend the rest of our lives protecting it.

  Matthew

  I quickly decided that I liked Alex, after spending fifteen minutes with him over breakfast and witnessing firsthand how much he truly loved my little sister.

  Whatever mistakes he might have made as a teenager, he had clearly become a different person. I knew he and Amanda were right for each other, and beyond that little else mattered. I was happy for Amanda. I liked seeing her smile, and she and my mother did everything possible to make certain I felt welcome in the home where I had grown up, but it wasn’t easy. Not after my father’s reaction. I hadn’t expected him to show any affection, or even shake my hand, but his walking out of the house without a word to me hurt, and it didn’t help that Dexter McKenna was there to witness the exchange.

  Try as I might to ignore him, I couldn’t; I couldn’t forget that Dexter was in the room, I couldn’t ignore the tingling excitement I felt each time I realized his eyes were on me, and I couldn’t stop kicking myself for agreeing to have lunch with him.

  What the hell?

  Hadn’t I told myself I would avoid him?

  Hadn’t I told myself not to allow old feelings to resurface?

  Why, yes, I had indeed promised myself I wouldn’t get flustered where Dexter was concerned, but that promise went right out the window the moment I saw Dexter sitting on the doorstep.

  He was so damn beautiful.

  I had thought he was stunning in high school, but now…now, he was a study in perfection. Tall and lean with a body that radiated strength and confidence, and those full, naturally pink lips were, quite simply, lust-inspiring.

  God, but I wanted to hate him. I wanted to give him the cold shoulder, but I couldn’t because he was being nice, and it was a seemingly sincere nice that made me want to be nice to him in return, which was simply annoying.

  Throughout breakfast, I looked up several times to find Dexter watching me, and the few times our eyes actually locked, I felt oddly reassured.

  Of course, that made no sense whatsoever, but I couldn’t den
y it, and when I ended up at a local tailor with Alex and Dexter, I felt myself relaxing even more. I was letting my guard down. Alex was nice enough and he seemed genuinely happy that I had come home for the wedding. Dexter stayed closed to me at all times.

  It was unnerving.

  It was exciting.

  All the promises I had made to myself seemed to crumble, and by the time the fitting was over and Dexter and I walked the short distance to Albert’s Pizza, I felt oddly at ease with him, even when silence stretched between us.

  It wasn’t until we were seated at a small corner booth and our order for a large pepperoni pizza was placed, that Dexter looked at me with something serious in his eyes. I felt my stomach flutter, which I silently cursed. I couldn’t recall the last time I had felt “fluttering” around a guy.

  Hell, I couldn’t recall the last time I had gone on a date. Not that I considered this a date, because it most assuredly wasn’t, and quite frankly, no one I had ever dated compared to Dexter.

  That was unsettling, to say the least, but what was more unsettling was the realization that my old love/hate crush was still very much alive and kicking and demanding attention.

  I was pretty sure that made me pitiful.

  And insane.

  I decided to blame it all on Dexter and his unshakable perfection.

  Watching as Dexter rested his arms on the table, his eyes again locked on mine, and even if I had wanted to look away, I couldn’t have.

  “You don’t live in Bricks, do you?” I asked, needing a nice, safe subject.

  “No, I live in Charlotte. I work as a physical therapist for a minor league basketball team.”

  “Sounds nice.”

  “It’s not too bad.” He half-smiled. “But I don’t want to talk about me, Matthew.”

  “Dexter—”

  “I want to apologize to you.” He forged ahead, as if I hadn’t tried to interrupt, which told me he was determined. “I know I was something of a jerk to you when we were kids, and for that I want you to know I am so very sorry.”

  “It was a long time ago.”

  “Maybe. But when you sent me that email—”

  “I had no right, Dexter. I was acting like a jerk. I just… I was pissed.”

  “Because I had always been close to your father?”

  “Partly.” What the hell? He obviously wanted honesty; I’d give it to him. “I mean, the fact that my dad was crazy about you wasn’t your fault and I…well, I know you didn’t just show up to make my life miserable.”

  “But I did.”

  “Not really. I did that myself. I just blamed a lot on you.”

  “Matthew—”

  “I know I’m a disappointment to my father.”

  “If Raymond is disappointed in you, that’s his problem, and it makes him a fool, because you are remarkable, Matthew.”

  Blinking, I stared at him, more than a little surprised by that outburst, which Dexter obviously sensed because he blushed.

  “Raymond was nice to me when I dated Amanda, and after, because we had bonded over sports and shit like that, but I... Matthew, I just need you to know I didn’t mean to take your father’s attention away from you, because you deserved it.”

  “The truth is you didn’t take anything, because even if you hadn’t been around, things between me and my dad would still be exactly what they are.” It wasn’t a pleasant truth, but it was a truth I had come to accept over the years. “Me being gay just sort of killed what pitiful excuse of a relationship I did have with my father, and that certainly isn’t your fault, and I know he hasn’t been very welcoming to you since you came out.”

  “He does what my father does, which is ignore me.”

  “I’m sorry.” And I was. I knew just what he was feeling.

  “You have no reason to apologize to me.”

  “That email—”

  “Made me face reality.”

  Much to my surprise, he reached across the table, covering my hand with his. I sucked in a breath, because his innocent touch was electric.

  “I needed a kick in the ass, and you gave it to me, and I’m grateful for that, Matthew. I was living a lie. I was tense and nervous all the time, but your email made me realize I needed to grow up and take control of my life.”

  Again, our eyes locked, and I felt myself getting lost in those beautiful eyes. It frightened me, but it was thrilling at the same time, and I was almost disappointed when the waitress delivered our pizza, effectively breaking the moment and the tension.

  We set about eating, and I used the silence as a chance to gather my thoughts, to remind myself that I was an adult, not a teenager, and I couldn’t get caught up in some lingering crush just because the man of my dreams was being nice to me.

  Right?

  Seeing Dexter again had put a lot of things in perspective for me.

  I had blamed him for a lot of things that simply weren’t his fault. He wasn’t some arrogant jerk. He hadn’t set out to cause problems for me when we were kids. Things must have been just as complex and confusing for him as they had been for me, and that meant we had far more in common than I had ever allowed myself to believe.

  I didn’t realize I had stopped eating until Dexter touched my arm again, and I looked up at him, heart racing.

  “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel badly about yourself, Matthew.”

  “And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel badly about yourself, Dexter.”

  And, just like that, the lingering resentment and anger faded away and I felt freed from a burden I had carried for far too long.

  I sensed it was the same for Dexter.

  We finished eating, keeping the conversation light. We talked about our jobs, the cities we lived in––basic information, nothing heavy––and I found I enjoyed talking to Dexter. He was smart and clever, and he had a great sense of humor. By the time lunch was over, I was completely comfortable around him, which was surprising but nice.

  After we finished eating, we walked back to Dexter’s car. The casual conversation continued and I felt at ease.

  Until we pulled up to my parents’ house.

  My father wasn’t home yet, but I knew he eventually would be. I knew I had to face him, and even if he wanted to, he couldn’t walk away every time we were in the same room.

  I realized Dexter had killed the engine and I glanced at him, only to find he was watching me with concern in his eyes.

  “How stupid is it that I still want my father’s approval?”

  “It’s not stupid, Matthew, because…hell, I would love my father’s approval.”

  “Think you’ll ever get it?”

  “I’m pretty sure Hell will freeze over first.” I could hear the hurt in his voice, but he smiled.

  “I know I really shouldn’t let it bother me because my dad and I were never close, but it would be nice if he could at least acknowledge me.” I shook my head. “I spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself. I spent too much time trying to blame people for my issues... I guess I just need to focus on getting through this week.” As soon as the wedding was over, I could go back to New York and my life. I could get back inside my comfort zone, feeling good about myself and the progress I had made when it came to my complex feelings for Dexter.

  I started to get out of the car, but the feel of Dexter’s fingers wrapping around my wrist stopped me and I looked back at him.

  The desire in his eyes was undeniable.

  “Dexter—”

  “I need a chance to prove myself to you, Matthew.”

  “You don’t—”

  “I think I’m close to obsessed with you and I… Damn it, I told myself I would take this slow, and not make a complete ass of myself, but I can’t seem to think very clearly or logically around you, so I just want you to know: I like you.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at him. “You don’t know me.” Yet his words thrilled me, because they were words I had dreamed of hearing.

  “I know enough to kn
ow I really want to know more.” He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed it, and I felt a wave of heat. “It’s complicated and messy, but how about we take some time for ourselves, as much as we can this week, and see what happens?” He made it sound so simple and his eyes were so very sincere. I felt drawn to him, which made me want to both run away and run to him, at the same time, but I had already decided I was thoroughly done with running away.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I nodded. “I guess we could do that.” God help me! Hadn’t I told myself I would be careful? Hadn’t I promised myself I would protect my heart and my sanity? Yet here I was, my first day back home and I was laying everything on the line. But try as I might, I couldn’t make myself see the danger when Dexter looked at me like I was the only man in the world.

  And his smile...

  The way he smiled at me sealed the deal.

  Dexter McKenna had gotten past all of my defenses and walls, and at the rate he was going he would thoroughly work his way into my heart.

  Yet I wasn’t running.

  I was standing still, ready to accept whatever may come, and for the first time in my life—be the ending good or bad—I wouldn’t harbor regret.

  Dexter

  I had prepared myself for a tense dinner with Raymond at the table, but everyone was even more on edge than I expected.

  Jenna fussed, trying to make sure everyone was comfortable. She prepared a wonderful meal, and Amanda and Alex made every effort to keep the conversation flowing, while I sat beside Matthew. He was mostly quiet. He answered Alex’s questions, he joked around with Amanda, but he didn’t attempt to talk to his father or even make eye contact.

  Raymond sat silently at the head of the table, his attention focused on his food, as if the conversation and the people around him were meaningless.

  In that moment, I truly hated him and I hated myself for having ever respected him. He was just as closed-minded as my own father.

  And his silence was hurting Matthew.

  For me, that was simply unforgivable and I wanted to tell Raymond that—I was sure I would, before the week was over—but for the time being, I held my tongue and when no one was paying attention, I slipped a hand under the table and rested my palm against Matthew’s leg.