A Cadet's Honor: Mark Mallory's Heroism

by Upton Sinclair

  CHAPTER VII.

  THE EXAMINATION OF THE PARSON.

  The "examining board" had the good luck to come upon the Parson in asecluded spot near the Observatory. The Parson had left the library fora walk, his beloved Dana under his arm and the cyathophylloid coral inone of his pockets. The "committee" made a rush at him.

  "Mr. Stanard?" inquired the lord high, etc.

  Mr. Stanard bowed in his grave, serious way, his knees stiff, and hishead bobbing in unison with his flying coat tails.

  "Mr. Stanard, I have been sent by the Army Board to read the inclosednotice to you. Ahem!"

  Mr. Stanard peered at the speaker. His mustache fooled the Parson, andthe Parson bowed meekly.

  Once more the cadet took out the official envelope and with apreliminary flourish and several "ahems!" began to read:

  "United States Military Academy, West Point, June 20th. Cadet PeterStanard, of Boston, Massachusetts, it has just been ascertained, wasadmitted to the duties of conditional cadet through an error of theexamining board. A re-examination of Cadet Stanard is hereby ordered tobe conducted immediately under the charge of the--ahem!--superintendentof ordnance, in the Observatory Building. By order of the Academy Board.Ahem!"

  Now, if Cadet Peter Stanard had been a cadet just a little longer hewould never have been taken in by that device, for Cadet Peter Stanardwas no fool. But as it was, he did not see that the order was absurd.

  He went.

  Again the procession started with the same comments as before; thistime, however, the door was not locked, and the party entered, soughtout another room where stood several solemn cadets at attention,respectfully saluting the superintendent of ordnance, ex-lord high.

  "Cadet Stanard," said the latter, "take a chair. Here is pencil andpaper. What is that book there. Geology? Well, give it to me untilafterward. Now, Mr. Stanard, here are ten questions which the boardexpects you to answer. These are general questions--that is, they areupon no particular subject. The board desires to test your generalstock of information, the--ahem!--breadth, so to speak, of yourintellectual horizon. Now you will be allowed an hour to answer them.And since I have other duties in the meantime, I shall leave you,trusting to your own honor to use no unfair means. Mr. Stanard,good-day."

  Mr. Stanard rose, bobbed his head and coat tails and sat down. Thesuperintendent marched out, the cadets after him. The victim heard a keyturn in the door; the Parson glanced at the first question on thepaper--

  "I. When are cyathophylloid corals to be found in fossiliferoussandstone of Tertiary origin?"

  "By the bones of a Megatherium!" cried the Parson, "The very thing I waslooking for myself and couldn't find."

  And forthwith he seized his pencil, and, without reading further, wrotea ten minutes' discourse upon his own researches in that same line.

  "That's the best I can do," said he, wiping his brow. "Now for thenext."

  "II. Name any undiscovered island in the Pacific Ocean."

  The Parson knitted his brows in perplexity and reread the question.

  "Undiscovered," he muttered. "Undiscovered! Surely that word isundiscovered. U-m-yes! But if an island is undiscovered how can it haveany name? That must be a mistake."

  In perplexity, the Parson went on to the next one.

  "III. If a dog jumps three feet at a jump, how many jumps will it takehim to get across a wall twelve feet wide?"

  "IV. In what year did George Washington stop beating his mother?"

  A faint light had begun to dawn upon Stanard's mind; his face began toredden with indignation.

  "V. What is strategy in warfare? Give an example. If you were out ofammunition and didn't want the enemy to know it, would it be strategy togo right on firing?"

  "VI. If three cannibals eat one missionary, how many missionaries willit take to eat the three cannibals?"

  "VII. If a plebe's swelled head shrinks at the rate of three inches aday, how many months will it be before it fits his brains?"

  And Stanard seized the paper, tore it across the middle and flung it tothe floor in disgust. Then he made for the door.

  "There's going to be a fight!" he muttered. "I swear it by the SevenHills of Rome!"

  The Parson's blood was boiling with righteous indignation; he had"licked" those same cadets before, or some of them, and he meant to doit again right now. But when he reached the door he halted for a momentto listen to a voice he heard outside.

  "I tell you I cannot do it! Bless my soul!"--the Parson recognized thesound. "I tell you I have lost enough weight already. I can't run again.Now, I'll go home first. Bless my soul!"

  "Oho!" said the Parson. "So they got poor Indian in this thing, too.Um--this is something to think over."

  With his usual meditative manner he turned and took his seat again,carefully pulling up his trousers and moving his coat tails as he didso. Clearing his throat, he began to discuss the case with himself.

  "It is obvious, very obvious, that my condition will in no way beameliorated by creating a suspicion in trying to make a forceful exitthrough that locked door.

  "It would be a more efficacious method, I think, in some way to manageto summon aid. Perhaps it would be well to endeavor to leave in secret."

  And with this thought in mind he went to the window.

  "It would appear," he said, gravely, as he took in the situation, "thatthe 'high-thundering, Olympian Zeus' smiles propitiously upon my plan."

  And with this classic remark he stuck one long shank out of the window,followed it with another just as long, and stood upon the cornice overthe door of the building, which chanced to be in reach. From there hehalf slid, half tumbled to the ground, arose, arranged his necktiecarefully, gazed about him solemnly to hear if any one had seen him, andfinally set out at a brisk pace for barracks, taking great, longstrides, swinging his great, long arms, and talking sagely to himself inthe meanwhile.

  "When the other two members of our--ahem!--alliance are made aware ofthe extraordinary condition of affairs," he muttered, "I think that I amjustified in my hypothesis when I say there will be some excitement."

  There was.