Of Blood and Ashes

by Kyoko M

  He reached up, hesitant at first, and cupped her cheek in his hand as he noticed the tears brewing in her eyes. "What are you trying to tell me, Kam?"

  She touched his wrist and pressed her cheek into his palm, silent for a bit. "I think we moved too fast when we decided to become a couple. I think that the pressure of this relationship got to you. Faye is uncomplicated. You knew upfront who she is and what she needs. I admit that I also didn't think of the consequences of our actions. I was so wrapped up in you and how you made me feel that I didn't consider how you might be feeling."

  "Kam, who gives a damn about how I feel?" he whispered. "I kissed someone else. I don't want you to consider my feelings because I screwed up. I want you to tell me how I can make this right. I hurt you. I broke your trust. I made you feel like you weren't the most important goddamn thing in my life when that's exactly what you are. The whole time I was alone in that godforsaken forest, the thought of you kept me going."

  "I know. I know that you love me and you will love our child as much as you love me, if not more." She sighed as the tears trickled out from beneath his fingers. "But you need to be sure. You need to be sure that this is what you want for the rest of your life. We have eight months to figure it out before the baby is here. I think you should start by...by..."

  She lowered his hand to the bed. "By spending time with Faye."

  He gaped. "What?"

  "Jack, she..." Kamala wiped her eyes. "She doesn't have anyone else. Her parents are in town right now, but they'll be gone in a week or so. She and I need time apart to work things out. I can't help her heal. I'm too hurt and I don't want to say or do something that will make it worse between the two of us. She's in a fragile state. She'll need someone kind and understanding."

  She looked at him then. "She needs you more than I do."

  "Kamala, please, you don't need to do this," he said. "You don't need to take all of this on your shoulders alone. Isolating yourself isn't going to help."

  "I won't be alone," she said. "I'm going to see my mother for a few days. Matt's handling the project in the meantime while we try to get our bearings again. I would like you to spend some time with Faye and figure out whatever is between you two."

  She started to rise, but he caught her wrist. "Kamala, look at me. Please."

  Kamala steadied her breathing and met his eyes. She saw how deeply wounded he'd been by all of this, by everything that had happened, by his actions, and by hers. Her heart wavered.

  But her mind did not.

  "Kamala, I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry for violating your trust. I don't have an excuse and I never will. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. All I can say is that I don't want you to go. I love you."

  Kamala blinked away tears as she turned and cupped his face in her hands, kissing him gently, savoring the softness of his lips. "And I love you, Rhett. But love isn't enough sometimes. You need to find out who you are before we can be together. You are lost. When you find yourself, you might find me as well."

  She ran her fingers through his hair, smoothing it down, touching their foreheads together. "I'll call you when my flight lands. Please consider what I have said. Regardless of what you choose, you will always be a part of my life and our child's life as well. Please, get some rest, Jack."

  He wrapped his arms around her, shaking slightly, his eyes wet, but eventually he nodded. "Okay. Be safe, angel."

  Kamala slid out of his arms slowly, her smile sad. "Be safe, my dragon."

  ***

  Sleep wouldn't come.

  But Jack wasn't surprised by that.

  The painkillers made him restless, but they weren't the only thing to blame. He replayed Kamala's conversation in his head over and over, trying to figure out what he could have done differently, said differently, to make her stay. He wasn't sure there was anything he could have done, but he still ran it through his head again and again until he was too exhausted to think.

  The previous nights getting back from Tokyo hadn't been any better. He hadn't been able to see Dr. Lawson yet, but he'd spoken to her over the phone about the night terrors. He'd tried to sleep, but each time he went under, he dreamt of fire and blood and darkness and ashes and cold, dead bodies. He'd awaken in pure terror and his body kept trying to protect itself, launching him out of the bed. He'd damn near opened up his stitches the night before when he hit the floor.

  It was well after three am when he gave up and shuffled into the kitchen. He made a pot of coffee, eased himself down on the couch, and fired up his new Playstation 4. After all, he'd spent many a sleepless night logging hours on various games, but Dragon Age: Inquisition was the best for when he needed to unwind.

  Until he heard a knock on the door.

  Jack frowned and switched to the PS4 menu before hitting the Mute button. He couldn't have heard right. He listened.

  Knock-knock.

  Someone was at his door.

  Jack licked his lips and checked his cell phone for the time. Yep. Three-thirty in the morning. Couldn't be good news.

  He heaved himself up, grabbed the baseball bat from under his bed, and shuffled towards the door. He checked the peep hole and abruptly paled. He undid the chain and opened the door.

  "Faye?"

  "Hey, Stilts," the blonde said in an exhausted voice. "Can I come in?"

  "Y-Yeah," he stammered, stepping aside and leaning the baseball bat against the wall. She wandered in. He shut the door and locked it back, hobbling over to her.

  "God, are you okay? Did something happen?" he asked, inspecting her for injuries.

  "No, nothing happened," she croaked. "I just...I can't sleep. And I figured you'd still be up."

  "Oh," he said, sighing in relief. "Yeah, uh, I'm just playing Dragon Age."

  She attempted a smile. It looked sickly. "Dork."

  "Hey, my house, my rules, my games, blondie," he said as lightly as he could. "Get comfy. Want some coffee?"

  "Yeah," she said. "And dump some Bailey's in there while you're at it."

  He chuckled. "Yes, ma'am."

  Jack went into the kitchen and grabbed a mug, pouring it about three-quarters full with coffee and finishing the final quarter with Bailey's Irish Cream. He glanced over his shoulder at her.

  "Sugar?"

  "Ooh, we're at pet names already," Faye said, almost reflexively. "Rrowr."

  Jack rolled his eyes. "Do you want some sugar, Faye?"

  "I don't know. Maybe we'll cuddle first."

  He growled at her and she giggled. "Two spoonfuls, please."

  Jack stirred in the sugar and returned to see her bundled up with his blanket already, hiding her sweats from view. Her hair was up in a ponytail and her skin didn't have its usual color. The dark circles beneath her eyes matched his own, unfortunately.

  "Thanks," she said, sipping the hot coffee. "Mm, that's the stuff right there."

  He settled next to her and picked the controller back up. "Only downside to painkillers is you can't drink while you're on them. Well, you can, if you want to end up worm food sooner rather than later."

  "Bummer. Guess it's a good thing the hitman only gave me this manly bruise here," she said, brandishing a hand at the purplish splotch over her cheekbone.

  Jack winced. "Does it still hurt?"

  "Not a lot. Hurt more when it happened. Now it's just kind of stiff and gross looking. Wanna touch it?"

  He rolled his eyes again. "I'm good, thanks."

  "You're such a girl." She wiggled a bit and all but buried herself in the mound of pillows he'd been using for his back, drinking her Irish coffee and watching him play. The video game kept their attention for a long while, but eventually Jack's anxiety overtook him.

  "Kam told me you guys talked," he said softly, still focusing on the game. "Didn't sound like it went over well."

  "No," Faye sighed. "It didn't. She's moving out."

  H
e snapped his head around at her, shocked. "What?"

  Faye frowned. "She didn't tell you that?"

  "No. I...shit, Faye. I'm sorry."

  "Not your fault," she said, waving a hand. "Well, actually, yeah, it is your fault. You had to go and knock her up."

  Jack blushed. "Oh. So she, uh, told you that too, then."

  He leaned away from her cautiously. She eyed him. "What?"

  "I was sure you were going to punch my lights out."

  "You're already pathetic looking enough. I'll punch you when you're healthy again."

  "Oh, good. Something to look forward to."

  He played for a while. "Are you gonna be okay?"

  "No. Maybe. Never been this screwed up before, so I can't tell you one way or another."

  Something in Jack's chest shrank and quivered. "I'm sorry this happened to you because of me."

  Faye punched him in the ribs. He recoiled. "Ow! Fuck, Faye!"

  "You didn't do this," she said, narrowing her eyes at him in the pale light of the TV. "He did. Do you understand me, Jack? Don't you ever blame yourself for what that sociopath did to me."

  He rubbed at the soreness in his chest, almost firing back at her, but then he looked into her eyes. He nodded slowly. "Okay, I won't. I just...I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. I've been where you were. It took a solid month of therapy to get me anywhere close to sane. I'm worried about you."

  "Worry about yourself," she grumbled. "You have a hole in your side to match that hole in your arm. I got away with a bruise, for Christ's sake. Stop being such a girl."

  "Damn you," he whispered. "You're going to make this a headache, aren't you?"

  "Why would you expect anything less out of me?"

  Jack sighed. "Point taken."

  He picked the controller back up and settled in next to her. "Did you kick his ass?"

  "Totally kicked his ass."

  "That's my girl."

  Half an hour later, Jack jerked awake as his head leaned forward so far that his body almost tumbled onto the carpet. He blinked blearily at the screen and signed out of the game, rubbing his face and running a hand through his hair as he tried to remember where he was. He glanced beside him to see Faye curled up asleep, her blonde hair sticking out in random directions. He smiled a bit and scooped her up, blanket and all, and despite the residual pain in his chest, he carried her into his room and set her down on the bed. She immediately commandeered his pillow and he tossed the comforter over her before turning to head back to the couch.

  He'd taken one step before she caught the hem of his t-shirt.

  "Stay," Faye whispered sleepily.

  Jack regarded her for a long moment. Then, slowly, he untangled her fingers from his shirt and climbed in bed next to her. She scooted the pillow over enough for him to lay his head on it and he wrapped an arm around her.

  He was asleep in minutes.

  ***

  Jack awoke to slender fingers smoothing through the perpetually messy hair over his forehead.

  He stirred, groggy and disoriented, both from being sleepy and from the painkillers. "Kam?"

  A pause. "Sorry, Stilts. No such luck."

  Jack pried his heavy eyelids open and found himself staring at Faye. "Sorry. Forgot where I was for a second."

  "It's okay," she said softly. "I thought maybe you should eat something. Make sure your bandages didn't come loose last night."

  He nodded. "Probably should. Don't have much motivation for either endeavor."

  "Well, you did get shot," Faye said. "Excellent reason to take a day off for self-care."

  He smiled wearily. "If you knew anything about me, you'd know I'm awful at that sort of thing. Kam usually has to beat me to get me to remember to eat something. That's why I'm the useless pagal."

  "Duly noted. My kidnapping garnered me some time off too. I suppose I could stoop to take care of you since you so kindly offered me the bed. Can't believe you tucked me in. You're such a sap, Jack."

  He shrugged one shoulder. "The couch is bad for your back."

  She rolled her eyes. "Sure, it is."

  Instead of getting up, Faye settled into the pillow, folding her arm beneath her head, her expression thoughtful as she stared at him.

  "What?" he asked softly.

  "Thank you. For last night." She swallowed. "I know I don't have any right to put you in this sort of position, but I didn't know what else to do."

  "It's okay to ask for help sometimes. Especially after what you went through."

  "I know, but...everything's just gotten so screwed up among the three of us and I'm just adding fuel to the fire--"

  "Faye," Jack said. "It's okay. After what happened, you need to be somewhere safe with someone you trust. If that's me, then you're damn right I'll take care of you for however long you need it. Kamala understands that."

  "I know she does. I just feel like I'm making it worse. Like I'm hurting her somehow."

  Jack sighed and closed his eyes for a second. "She told me to take care of you."

  Faye gaped. "What?"

  "Before she left for her mother's," he continued. "She said she was afraid that she might make things worse if she stuck around while she's still upset over everything. You're not hurting her, Faye. You went through a hell no one deserves and you made it out alive and both of us want you to recover from it by any means necessary."

  Jack tugged her closer. "Even if that means the two of us just lay here in bed all day like a pair of pathetic idiots."

  He cleared his throat. "Just don't try any funny business. I've got a hole in my side, remember?"

  Faye laughed. It was a little hoarse and a little unstable, but genuine. "No promises, Stilts."

  She touched his cheek, feeling the stubble on his chin, her fingertips traveling over his ear, the smile fading. "Are you sure about this?"

  "No," Jack whispered. "But we owe it to her and to ourselves to get this figured out."

  "How are we gonna do that?"

  "One day at a time."

  Jack kissed her forehead. "Now go back to sleep."

  Faye rested her head under his chin, listening to the strong, steady rhythm of his heart.

  And let go.

  FIN

  EPILOGUE

  SEEDS

  "There is no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. I'm pregnant."

  Dr. Sahana Anjali took a deep breath and shut her eyes. "Goddess above."

  Kamala spun the red snapdragon between her ringed fingers, staring down at it so she wouldn't have to look at the pained expression on her mother's face. "I am sorry that I didn't tell you Jack and I were dating. To be honest, it happened so suddenly that we weren't sure if we wanted to tell anyone. I also knew Papa would overreact and do something drastic, which he will once we tell him, and I wanted to know that Jack and I were meant to be together before we said anything. We're going to keep the baby. After Aokigahara, I had myself looked at and it's safe and healthy."

  She plucked a petal from the flower and watched it drift down into the reflection pool at her feet. A koi swam past, inspecting it, and then swished its bright orange tail as it wandered away. She followed its meandering path towards another part of the crystal-clear water, gurgling softly from the fountain at its center. She had missed her mother's garden. She'd missed the smell of the flowers, the golden sunlight, the serenity that seemed to seep from every tree as she sat under their shade. It was one of her favorite things about their estate.

  "Is that why you came to see me?" Sahana said a while later, once she had composed herself. "To ask about motherhood?"

  "Yes...and no," Kamala admitted. "I...mother, I'm lost."

  Sahana took her daughter's hand. "Talk to me."

  Kamala struggled to speak past the lump in her throat. "I...Jack and Faye have developed feelings for each other. It began before he and I were dating, and
it recently culminated in a kiss. It was an accident, mind you. Happened after the hitman went after Jack. Still, it's clear to me that his heart is torn and I don't want him to commit to being in a relationship with me until he knows what he wants. It's not fair to either of us nor is it fair to the baby. I won't raise my child in a broken home. I won't chain Jack to me if he doesn't want to be with me."

  The first tear fell. "But I don't know what to do. I sent him away. I told him to spend some time with Faye so that he knows how he feels. And I'm afraid they'll fall in love and I'll be alone."

  Sahana squeezed her daughter's hand. "Keep going."

  "I've never been in love before. My heart aches. But when I'm with him, I can't say these things. I'm afraid of showing weakness around him. It's like I become someone else, someone removed. I want him to be happy regardless of how it affects me."

  "Do you love him?"

  She glanced at her mother. "Yes."

  "Then why did you send him away?"

  Kamala shook her head. "I don't know."

  Sahana stroked her daughter's hand. "And I believe that I do. It is so much easier for you to compartmentalize your emotions in the face of adversity. After all, you've been trained to do so as a medical doctor. You probably never noticed that it spilled into your personal life. You are a very focused young woman and it's made you handle emotional turmoil in a similar fashion."

  She tucked a lock of hair behind Kamala's ear. "When I observed your interactions with Jack in the lab when the dragon was born, you were a comfort to him. You were his touchstone. He draws strength from you, and you are afraid to show him your true emotions because you worry it will break him. You worry about him because you love him. You want him to be stable and safe, so you suppress your needs in order to satisfy his instead. It's not uncommon in a relationship. Sometimes you are the gardener and sometimes you are the garden. Jack protected you when you went after your dragon in Tokyo. He has shown that there are no lengths he wouldn't go to in order to keep you safe. You do the same for him, but you have taken so much on your shoulders that it feels impossible to reverse it. For you, it's easier to bow out and let him decide how to proceed rather than going after him yourself because it's a risk. It's a risk to tell him the truth, that you want to forgive him and push forward with your relationship before the baby is born."