by Eliza Quancy
‘Yes, it can,’ she said. ‘Think about it, Auli.’
I did think about it but I still don’t know what she meant. But yes, everything is relative and one thing is always compared to another. I am lucky not to be shackled or dead but as each of these fates float by into the past, they become less real and I’m left with what I have now. What I am now, and I contemplate that and compare it with what I would like to be.
I ponder the what-ifs. If Layla hadn’t been accused of witchcraft and tortured, she would have been able to have her own babies and I wouldn’t have been rescued and brought here. If Saul hadn’t loved her and saved her, he wouldn’t be dead. A heavy thought. Just think, Saul did two good things - he rescued Layla and he rescued me but getting involved with us got him killed. Well, sort of. I’m getting my thoughts twisted up now. I’m sure there should be straighter lines between one thing and another and not so many of them. When I had the laptop, I used to look up ‘destiny’ on google. I looked up ‘fate’, too, because they were more or less the same thing, but there were no answers. Definitions for both said that it was outside a person’s control. I asked Layla if she believed in destiny and she answered.
‘No, Auli. You make your own fate.’
Well, I’m not sure about that.
I go into the garden, carefully treading down the slippy steps and go to carry on weeding. The ground is wet from the rain and the dirt goes under my fingernails. The sun is out again and I stare at drops of water shining on the leaves. I spread out the banana leaf once more and put my phone down on it. With a bit of luck, I should finish this bed before lunchtime.
***
In the early afternoon of the second day, I’m sitting on the veranda having a rest and my phone rings.
‘I’m down,’ she says. It’s Layla telling me that she’s back in the city. ‘Are you ok?’
‘Yes,’ I tell her, ‘I’m fine.’ And I ask how she is, but we don’t speak for long. It’s dangerous down there and she wants to finish quickly. She’ll buy food and matches and come back as soon as she can. She’s going to stay one night at her friend’s and start back tomorrow. She rings off and the world is cut off. No, I tell myself, the world is here. I’ve got to stop sitting and thinking. Stop longing for this and that. Get on with something. It’s quiet here but it’s not silent. Maybe we could get a dog, I think. I’d like a dog. Would be better than a baby. This little monster kicking and kicking. Never goes to sleep. He’s always awake.
I hear a noise and instantly, I’m on high alert. Trembling and scared. No-one comes here. Who is it?
‘Aulani,’ I hear a shout. ‘Aulani, are you there?’
It’s Saul’s brothers, I think. Who else could it be? They’ve found the place. They’ve come for payback.
‘Aulani,’ I hear again, louder now and closer. ‘Are you there?’
I’m still on the veranda. I should have hidden in the house. Too late now. I look to the end of the path and see someone standing just outside the circle.
19
It’s Joel but is he alone? He’s seen me. He’s waving and calling my name.
‘Aulani,’ he’s calling. ‘Aulani, it’s me. Come and let me in.’
What does he mean? Come and let him in? There is no gate. He can walk up the path. And then I remember. He will think that he can’t cross the circle. Slowly I go down the steps and walk down the path towards him.
‘Joel,’ I say and look at him. So tall and thin. Didn’t remember. Sweet smile. Big hair. Looks a bit like Layla but I suppose he would do. He’s from the same village. He’s one of Layla’s wantoks. I stop and look at him, still a few feet away. ‘Are you alone?’ I ask.
‘Of course,’ he replies. ‘I’ve come to see you.’
‘How do I know?’ I ask and he understands. He knows about the danger.
‘I promise,’ he says and he knows that a promise is not enough and I know that it’s not enough, but it’s all there is.
I walk to the end of the path with the broom and I sweep a space.
‘You can come in,’ I say and he steps on to the path. I sweep again to close the circle and feel amazed that he doesn’t know. That he can’t see that this is merely a charade, an empty act. Can’t see that it’s just some earth that I’m sweeping backwards and forwards with my broom. But I can’t tell him. Layla’s right. We need the circle. He follows me to the house and up the steps.
‘Are you alone?’ he asks.
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Only me here.’ I’m not sure whether to tell him about Layla. He looks around and then looks back at me. Stares at my bump and smiles.
‘My son’s in there,’ he says.
We need to talk. There’s a lot to say but no place to start. We go to lie down on my mat and I lie on my side. I want him and he’s gentle, and afterwards, we lie together and talk. He fetches water and we drink. He smokes and asks if I want a cigarette. I shake my head. I’ve never smoked and didn’t know that Joel did. I smelled the smoke on him sometimes when we were in the police station but I thought it was from the others.
‘I didn’t know you smoked.’
No,’ he replies. ‘It was too dangerous to smoke when we were together before. Boa would have smelled it. He would have been suspicious.’ And Scarface I think to myself but don’t mention him. I’ve never talked to Joel about Scarface.
‘I suppose so,’ I say, then ask him, ‘How long are you staying?’
‘One night,’ he replies. ‘I have to go back tomorrow. Have to get back for work.’
‘How did you know I was here?’
‘I guessed,’ he says, ‘not many places for you to go in the city. It would be dangerous for you there so I was sure you would have left.’
‘Are they still looking for me?’ I ask.
‘Don’t think so,’ he says. ‘Not actively.’ He stops and looks at me. Puts out his hand and strokes my belly where the little monster is kicking away. Touches him lovingly. ‘But if they see you…..’ We are both quiet for a minute and he strokes again where the child is moving. ‘He’s big, isn’t he?’ he says, and I nod. ‘In two months time, he’ll be born,’ Joel says. ‘I’ve worked it out.’
He’s tired after his trek up the mountain. He came up quickly and he’s not used to climbing. His legs ache so he lies down to rest while I go and cook. There’s not much food but I do my best. It’s pumpkin and pumpkin with half a tin of fish. It’s all we have but it tastes good with a little salt. After we’ve eaten, he chews.
‘Do you want some?’ he asks and is surprised when I refuse. Layla is right. I should have tried harder to learn with the buai. It’s a social thing.
There is so much to say, but mainly we lie together and stroke each other without speaking. Joel says he will come again as often as he can and next time he will bring some food. I am to text him a list of things. Anything, he says, anything I want. I am relieved that he is going before Layla comes back and wonder if they will meet on the mountain. If he is going to come again to visit, I shall have to say something about her but there is hardly any time. And I don’t know how to begin.
I tell him at breakfast before he goes.
‘I am alone now but I live here with Layla,’ I blurt unable to find an easy way in.
‘That’s a relief,’ he says and he looks at me and grins. ’I saw the mat in the living room,’ he says. ‘The one on the shelf and wondered who that was for.’ He pauses for a moment, ‘Did Layla come back without him?’ He empties his mouth. ‘Saul, I mean.’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Saul never came back. Only Layla.’
Joel finishes eating and passes his bowl for some more. He wants more tea, too, but there’s no sugar and no tinned milk. He pulls a face and switches to water.
‘I’ll bring sugar,’ he says,’ when I come again. And some milk.’
I tell him that Layla has gone to buy food in the city and that she’ll be coming back up the mountain soon. It should be today so he’ll meet her on the way and I see the fear come into his eye
s. What can I say to him I wonder? I can’t tell him that Layla can’t do magic, that she has no special powers and neither do I. I think about it.
‘I’ll text her,’ I tell him. ‘And then you’ll be safe. Layla only uses magic when she’s in danger. She’s a good person. She’s my mama.’
‘But she admitted it,’ he says. ‘She admitted to killing the boy. I went to have a look and I saw what she’d signed.’
‘They tortured her,’ I tell him, but he shakes his head. He doesn’t believe it.
There is no more time to talk. He has to go. Before he leaves, I text Layla as promised.
‘When are you coming back?’ I text. ‘Have you set off?’
‘Not yet,’ she replies. ‘Have been delayed. Two more days here. Coming back on Wednesday.’
‘Are you all right?’ I text.
‘Fine,’ she replies. ‘Are you?’
‘Fine, too. See you wed. xx’
‘Xxx’
‘She’s not coming back until Wednesday,’ I tell Joel so you won’t meet her this time. He looks relieved and says he has to go. I go with him to the end of the path to let him out of the circle and he hugs me.
‘I love you, Auli,’ he whispers and I know he means it. He is brave to come here.
***
Layla is not pleased when I tell her about Joel. She is angry.
‘We are not safe now,’ she tells me. ‘Sooner or later he will talk. Others will come.’
‘But he loves me,’ I protest.
‘Makes it worse,’ she says. ‘Love is the most dangerous thing.’
She blames me for his coming and won’t listen when I explain that I didn’t tell him where we were.
‘You replied to his texts,’ she says as she wipes the sweat from her forehead. She’s digging new beds and the earth is hard. ‘That was encouragement enough.’ Then she adds, ‘And you knew it, Aulani. You knew he would come.’ It isn’t a question and I suppose she is right. I am tired of Layla always being right. I tell her this and at last, I get a smile.
I’m heavy now and I lumber about. Like a bear, I think, although I have never seen a bear. Not a real one. My feelings shoot all over the place and sometimes I’m high but mostly, I’m crawling along the bottom of the world. Uncomfortable and scared of what’s coming. Whatever I feel like, I’m careful not to moan to Layla. It will be over soon, I think, and this baby will be out. I lie on my mat at night unable to get comfortable or sleep and I wonder what the child will look like. I spend hours wondering what colour he will be. I’m afraid that he will be dark like Saul and then Layla will know. She will instantly know that the baby is not Joel’s. And Joel, too, will know. And then I fantasise that the baby will be light-skinned like Joel and that everyone will believe that he is the father. He might even want to take his son to the village. I might be able to give him away and be free at last. Oh happy day.
At other times, I’m filled with a fierce love for this creature I can’t see and I am sure that I will cope with anything that comes and will do anything in the world in order to protect him.
The time drags on and the time is short but waiting is long.
Three weeks after Layla comes back from the city and just before she goes down again, my child is born. She’s a girl and a surprise in every direction. Her skin is lighter than mine! I name her Jenn.
‘Come and see,’ I text to Joel. ‘Your daughter is born. She was born early but she’s beautiful and her name is Jenn.’
How could I ever have thought of giving her away? She is gorgeous. Small and perfect. I can’t take my eyes off her. I hold her all the time and carry her around with me. Layla makes a special bilum so she can hang outside from the tree branch and rock while I work. Rockabye baby, I think to myself but not like the nursery rhyme. My Jenn will not fall down.
It’s supposed to bring bad luck to name a child so soon after birth. It’s in case the child dies, but I don’t care. She won’t die. I am sure of it and her name is Jenn. Jenn is a short version of Jennifer which comes from Guinevere. It means ‘my fair one’ and she is beautiful. She has to be Jenn.
One week later, Joel arrives loaded down with food and gifts. It’s the first time that he and Layla have met each other and I see how cautious they both are of the other, but the house is full of the joy of Jenn and we all feel it. Once again, I let Joel into the circle and I see that Layla watches and approves. He steps in and puts everything down on the path.
‘Where is she?’ he asks and I bring her to him. The way he looks at her and holds her fingers makes me love him. He takes her in his arms and carries her into the house. I see how he supports her head and holds her gently. He tells me he’s had plenty of practice with all his nieces and nephews in the village. He can’t stop smiling. He is the perfect father.
‘Mi Papa blo yu,’ he tells her and then again in Motu. Finally, ‘I’m your daddy, Jenny girl,’ he says.
‘It’s Jenn,’ I tell him but he shakes his head.
‘She’s my Jenny girl.’
There is so much food. We had almost run out, but Joel has brought plenty. Rice and coconut, fish, too, so we eat the food of Layla’s childhood and plenty of it. We eat and we drink and there is beer for us all. I pull a face when I taste it but I drink it, too, and even Jenn, no doubt will get a little when I feed her.
Once again, Joel can’t stay long.
‘I’ll be back,’ he says as we let him out of the circle. He turns and waves and is quickly gone.
‘Do you like him?’ I ask and even Layla has to say that yes, she does, but her wary look is never far away.
20
We settle into a routine and it’s the best time you can imagine. We work and we eat and Jenn grows fast and learns to smile and push herself up on her arms. And Layla plays with her and carries her about almost as much as I do.
‘She’s better than you were,’ Layla says, teasing me. ‘You cried most of the time. Not like this one. This one smiles and laughs.’ And it’s true. Jenn is a happy baby and it spreads. The happiness spreads. Only occasionally do I catch myself longing to read and to study, to leave this place and seek another future. It is a time of delight.
One day, when Layla comes back from the city, she brings me a present. She’s wrapped it up in leaves and there are so many, I wonder if I’ll ever get to what’s in the middle.
‘What is it?’ I ask.
‘It’s the world, Auli,’ she tells me. ‘I’ve brought you the world. I can see you’ve been missing it.’ I hold it in my hand and feel the weight. ‘Be careful,’ she tells me. ‘It’s fragile,’ and she watches as I remove the wrappings.
I gasp.
‘Layla!’ I say. ‘Layla!’
It’s a laptop. A Toshiba. Powerful. Silver. I can’t believe my eyes.
‘It’s used,’ she says, ’but I’ve had it checked. It’s a good one.’
‘We’ll share it,’ I say and she nods.
‘Yes, of course,’ Layla says, ‘of course, we will, but it’s still yours, Auli. I got it for you.’
I’m so overwhelmed that I have to sit down and then I just stare at it.
‘Come on, then,’ Layla says. ‘Let’s plug it in. Put your hotspot on, Auli.’
I get my phone and switch on the hotspot. Hope it still works with the pay-as-you-go. We haven’t used it for ages. Years. Not since the time of Saul. I push his face out of my mind and we plug it in. Wait while the battery charges up. For about ten minutes, Layla and I sit on the mat together and stare at its beauty and then it’s on. It works. It’s perfect.
I hug her and thank her and Layla is pleased. She knows that this is what I’ve wanted more than anything. But I don’t know how she found the money. I ask and she says that it didn’t cost much. Her friend got it cheap in a going-finish sale. I half believe her but am still not sure. When she goes to the city, she goes for longer now than she used to do. Always stays two or three nights before she comes back. I ask her why but she shrugs and says it’s to spend some time wi
th her friend.
The time passes and Jenn grows. Soon she is one year old and she’s already talking saying one or two words. Joel comes to visit and thinks she’s a genius and each time it’s pleasant when he’s here. He never stays long and we don’t quarrel, don’t really talk much at all. We try to avoid discussing things and most of all we avoid the future. Thoughts of it, talk of it, but we know that it won’t stay hidden forever. Sooner or later we’ll have to face it and talk about things. But I don’t know what we’ll say.
He and Layla like each other but keep their distance. Joel is afraid of her and Layla knows that it has to stay like that. The same applies to me and it keeps us apart. My lies keep us apart. In spite of these things, I enjoy Joel’s visits and Jenn adores her papa.
Before we get to talking, Joel and I, something happens. Joel sends a text.
‘Leave now,‘ he texts. ‘Saul’s brothers are coming. Police told them Keroko.’
I show it to Layla and she says we must go.
‘What about the circle?’ I ask.
‘It won’t work,’ she says. ‘They will see it and know we are here. They will burn the place. They will burn us out.’
‘OK,’ I say. ‘We’ll leave tomorrow.’
‘No,’ Layla says. ‘We’ve got the big torch. We’ll leave tonight.’.
We take Jenn and the laptop, some food, matches and water, two mats and sleeping bags. And spare batteries but they’re heavy. It’s almost too much.
‘We’ll walk until dawn,’ Layla says. ‘Then we’ll sleep for two hours and carry on. We need to get down the mountain before the brothers come up.’
‘It’s not safe to walk in the night,’ I say. ‘Not with Jenn.’
‘It’s not safe to stay here,’ Layla replies.
I text Joel.
‘When are they leaving?’ I ask.
‘Don’t know,’ he replies. ‘Leave now. Not safe.’
Once again, I show Layla but she’s already standing at the door.
‘This is the second time,’ I tell her and I don’t need to say the rest.