by Eliza Quancy
‘It’s not safe,’ I say but she doesn’t care and lifts the sleeping child into her arms. Jenn stirs but doesn’t wake. Your daughter’s been running around all day, Layla tells me. She’s tired. We’ve nearly run out of time so we set off for the tree.
‘Back soon,’ we tell Shantelle.
Joel is already waiting and I see him start to relax a little when he sees Jenn.
‘I’ll bring her to Melbourne,’ he tells me.
‘Do you promise?’ I ask and remember to look at him directly with the fierce look that makes him afraid.
‘I promise’ he says. ‘Where’s her passport?’
I hand it over and he looks inside and starts to frown.
‘It’s wrong,’ he says.
‘What do you mean, it’s wrong?’ I ask.
‘It’s got the wrong name in it. It gives the family name as Sogeri.’
‘That’s what we decided,’ I tell him. ‘We decided to name ourselves after Layla’s school.’
‘It has to be my name,’ Joel says. ‘Jenn’s name is Jenn Goasa. It will have to be changed.’ He’s angry again and there’s nothing I can do. It had not occurred to either me or Layla that Joel would want his family name on the passports. ‘I’ll do it,’ he says. ‘I’ll get it changed.’ He stops and looks at us. ‘In any case,’ he says, ‘how can I travel with a child who has a different name?’
I don’t know if Kandin will change the passport for no extra money and say so but Joel frowns some more and says he’ll find whatever money is necessary.
‘And how will you explain her in the village?’ I ask. ‘It’s not normal for a man to suddenly turn up with a child that nobody knows about.’
‘They’re already suspicious,’ he says. ‘I’ve been disappearing weekends for a long time now. They know that I’m seeing someone.’
‘And what will you say’ I ask.
‘I’ll tell them the mother has run away and left me with the child,’ he says and I feel my heart tumble and fall, but he’s not sorry. Joel’s face is set and hard and I’m back in the old familiar place of having no choice. I kiss her and hand her over. My beautiful child.
24
My steps are slow and heavy as we set off back to the house. Layla keeps talking to me, but I barely answer. Don’t hear what she’s saying. My spirit is with Jenn and I don’t want my body walking in the opposite direction. Eventually, Layla’s words penetrate the wall of grief I’m wrapped in and I hear what she says. Her voice is urgent and insistent.
‘We’ve got to leave, Auli. Can you get tickets for Sunday? Latest Monday?’
I consider. It’s Friday night now. I won’t see Kandin until tomorrow. It will already be Saturday.
‘I’ll try,’ I reply and hear Layla’s stress pouring out.
‘No good, Auli,’ she’s saying. ‘You’ve got to succeed. Try and fail and it might be the end of us.’ She’s not exaggerating. I think of Kandin and his laid-back attitude to life and wonder if I can force him to move as quickly as we need. He doesn’t even believe in sorcery. Doesn’t take it seriously. Hasn’t got a clue about the danger we’re in. Layla’s right. I’ve got to find a way to make him get those tickets quickly. We’re getting close to the end of the line. Shantelle has had enough.
When I set off the next morning, I’ve got more than my clothes and Kandin’s mother on my mind. They don’t matter any more. It’s the tickets. I’ve got to get the tickets. I’ve got to persuade him to get them. Layla’s cracking up and Jenn’s in the village. My misery must show in my face because Kandin notices immediately and asks me what’s wrong. I get in the car and on the way to his house, I explain as clearly as I can. I don’t notice where we’re going but I’m surprised when he stops the car in a place I don’t know. We park under a tree next to a beach and I get out and look at the ocean. It’s blue green. Little ripples coming in. Fills the bay and goes on forever and my eyes go with it. It’s the Coral Sea. For a minute, I drift and dream. We sit on a bench at a picnic table and stare out at the water. In the distance, I see what look like fish jumping out of the sea. Kandin follows my gaze.
‘Dolphins’ he tells me. ‘They leap like that,’ and in an instant, I see my own dolphin, the one Saul made for me. And I see Saul’s face. Smiling at me with kindness. I drag myself back.
‘Why have we stopped here?’ I ask him. ‘I thought we were going to see your mother.’
‘We are,’ he says. ‘But you seem full of talk about tickets so I thought we’d better sort it out before we get to the house.’
‘Yes,’ I say and before I know what I’m saying, I ask Kandin to come with us.
‘We’ve got to go immediately,’ I explain. ‘We can’t stay in the house any longer. Latest Monday. Preferably tomorrow. Why don’t you come with us? Just for a while? Can you afford it?’
‘Oh yes,’ he says and grins. ‘I’ve got plenty of money, Auli, but plenty of work as well. The work has to be done.’
‘Oh,’ I say and don’t know what else to add.
‘Joel got in touch last night and wants me to change Jenn’s passport. Did you know?’ I nod. ‘I can’t change it,’ he says. ‘I’ll have to make another one. If I come with you, Jenn’s passport will have to wait.’
I feel the disappointment but once again, there’s no choice. ‘Then stay and do the passport,‘ I say. ‘I want Joel to bring her as soon as possible.’
‘If you can wait until Monday,’ he says. ‘I can have it finished by then and we could go together. We could have some fun together in Melbourne. It’s more than a year since I was there.’
‘You’ve been before?’ I ask.
‘Of course,’ he replies, ‘it’s where Chrissie comes from.’
‘Chrissie?’
‘My mother.’
I should insist that Layla and I go tomorrow, that we don’t wait until Monday, but I don’t. I fear that if Kandin doesn’t come with us when we go, he won’t come at all. I agree for us all to go on Monday and Kandin says he’ll get tickets for Layla, me and himself. Then we get back into the car and set off to see Chrissie. His mother.
Instantly, I know who she is. As soon as I set eyes on her. And I can see that she remembers me, too. She’s the Aussie woman who was there at the hotel. The one with the hard hair and the hard face. The one who looked at my dirty clothes with contempt. The one with the chunky necklace.
‘Meet my mother,’ Kandin says and turns to smile at me. ‘Mum, this is Aulani. I’ve told you about her.’
‘Hello, Aulani,’ his mother says with the same forced smile as before. ‘I’m Chrissie.’ She recognises me, but she’s not going to say anything. Now, why is that?
‘Hello, Chrissie,’ I say. ‘Pleased to meet you.’ I go to shake hands with her and she suggests that we go and sit poolside. Poolside? Echoes of tv and the unreality of this place rise up around me, but that’s where we go with our orange juice in frosted glasses. We go poolside.
We can’t think of anything at all to say to each other and Kandin jumps in to fill the awkward spaces. He talks about visits to the Yacht Club and who he saw there, what they’re doing and a hundred other things about which I know nothing. And care less. I don’t like this woman and wonder how it can be that I’m so deeply attracted to her son while at the same time being repelled by her. More than repelled. It’s as though there’s some chemical signal between us that makes us hostile. Defies logic and I realise that I don’t like anything about her. Don’t like the way she looks or dresses or talks. And I don’t like the things she says. I’m disappointed. I had expected to like Kandin’s mama.
I’m still wearing Layla’s watch and after half an hour that feels like at least a year, Kandin stands up and says it’s time to go. When we’re in the car, I give him all the money I’ve brought with me. It’s for the tickets and he says he’ll text me the time to go to the airport. He’ll pick us up at the tree and take us. Will we have much luggage he asks? I smile.
‘No, not much.’
***
Layla is disappointed that we’ve got to wait until Monday and hopes that Shantelle won’t kick us out before then. But she asks and it turns out to be fine, now that we’re definitely going. Am I sure that we are definitely going she asks me? Will Kandin be certain to get the tickets? I nod and she’s relieved but almost explodes when I tell her that Kandin is coming with us.
‘No,’ she says. Layla is beside herself. ‘You should have asked me, Auli! He can’t come.’
‘Why not?’ I ask. ‘He’s going to pick us up and take us to the airport.’
‘No,’ Layla says. ‘Shantelle will take us to the airport. I already asked her. Didn’t you think that I would have arranged all that?’
Well, no, I don’t suppose I did.
‘And we’re staying with my friend Carolyn. You did know that.’ I nod. I did know that we were going to stay with Carolyn and that Carol was doing her masters in Melbourne. ‘He can’t stay with us,’ Layla goes on. ‘There won’t be room.’
‘Then perhaps I could go and stay with Kandin for a little while,’ I suggest and Layla slaps me. It’s the first time she’s hit me since I complained about being pregnant. She is shaking with frustration and weariness.
‘Wake up, Auli!’ Where’s your head?’
I look at her.
‘There is Joel and Jenn to worry about. Getting a job, earning some money and getting somewhere to live when we’ve only got a tourist visa. Surviving in a foreign country. Making preparations for Jenn to arrive. Working out how we’re going to care for her. And all you’re thinking about is swanning off to have a good time for a few days with some crook.’
She’s right. That is exactly what I’ve been dreaming of. Layla is right. I look at her tired eyes and hold my hand to the side of my face that she just hit.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I’ll tell him that he can’t stay with us. He’ll have to get a hotel.’ I hesitate. ‘But I won’t tell him until we’re on the plane, Layla. I can’t risk having a row with him when we’re relying on him to get the tickets.’
Layla relaxes a little.
‘OK,’ she says. ‘Have you heard from Joel?’
I haven’t. I text him.
‘How’s Jenn?’ I ask.
‘She’s fine,’ he replies. ‘Happy in the village.’
‘Kandin says he’ll do her new passport by the end of Sunday,’ I text. ‘When will you bring her?’
‘Soon,’ Kandin replies. ‘Let her have a little holiday first. My mother loves her.’
‘OK,’ I reply, ‘but I want a date, Joel. I need to know when she’s coming.’ And then I send another one. ‘And you. I need to know how long I’ve got to wait until I can be with you.’
‘I’ll let you know,’ he texts. ‘When are you going?’
‘Monday,’ I tell him. ‘We’re leaving on Monday.’
‘OK,’ he says.
‘Look after Jenn,’ I text. ‘Kiss her for me and sort out a date.’
‘OK,’ he replies and that’s it. He sends no love to me but he does love Jenn. He’ll keep her safe. And I believe that he’ll bring her soon. I look at Layla and see that she can barely stand. She’s exhausted.
‘I want to go to bed now,’ Layla says. ‘We’re going shopping tomorrow, Auli.’
‘Shopping?’
Even though she’s exhausted, Layla manages to chuckle.
‘Look at your feet,’ she says. ‘And where is your coat? We can’t go to Melbourne with no shoes and no coat. I’ve got some money, Auli. We’ll go and buy some clothes tomorrow. We’ll be careful.’
The shopping trip is good and I get my first two pairs of footwear and my first coat. I get a pair of thongs and a pair of sandals. My feet seem to be too wide for most shoes. It’s not my scars, it’s the shape of my feet. Layla’s are the same. We were both looking for shoes, but in the end, we had no choice. Had to buy sandals because that is all we could get to fit. They feel funny on my feet, but Layla says we have to wear them and I know she’s right. She’s thought of everything. She’s worked all day, gone with men at night to get money for both of us while I’ve been sitting ‘poolside’ with Kandin. I wonder what she’ll think of him.
I go for a walk and manage to speak to Joel instead of the eternal texting. He’s stopped being angry and I talk to Jenn. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her behind but I’ve got no choice. It’s the story of my life. No choice, no choice. I say the same to Layla and she tells me to stop whingeing.
‘Nobody has any choice, Auli,’ she says. ‘Nobody does.’
What happened to everyone making their own fate, I wonder, but now is not the time to bring it up.
I get a text from Kandin and he tells me we must be at the tree by 7.30 am. If we’re not there, we shall miss the plane.
We are there. Of course, we are there. We have one suitcase that Layla found from somewhere (another going-finish sale) and we each have two bilums, one large and one small. Layla keeps worrying about our fake passports (and fake visas). Will they work? I feel so overwhelmed that we are leaving Papua New Guinea and leaving my daughter behind in the village that I have no space in my heart to worry about the passports.
As it turns out, they work fine and soon we’re on the plane. Everybody looks as though going on a plane is the most ordinary thing in the world. When we take off, I feel that I’m being torn away from the earth, but I manage not to cry out.
25
It’s freezing. My God, it’s cold. Our coats seem to make no difference at all. How can people survive in a climate like this! When we get through customs we see that Kandin is met by a driver in a large silver car. He offers to take us with him to his house in West Brunswick.
There’s room for all of us, he says, leering at me and speaking with that lazy drawl that sounds almost Australian now he’s out of PNG.
‘No thank you,’ Layla snaps at him. ‘We’re staying with a friend of mine.’
‘Then let me give you lift,’ he offers, but before I can say yes please, Layla has butted in again.
‘No thanks,’ she says. ‘We’re fine. Bye, Kandin.’
‘I’ll come and pick you up tomorrow,’ he says turning to me. ‘I’ll ring your local number.’ Kandin glances at me and gestures towards Layla with a lift of his eyebrows, but I shrug and set off after Layla.
‘OK,’ I say turning back towards him as I catch up with her.
I look at her and see that she’s shivering like me and feel annoyed. Why wouldn’t she let Kandin give us a lift? He’s been helpful. He has given both Layla and me new sim cards so that we can use local pay-as-you-go tariffs which will be cheaper. I told Kandin that I couldn’t use mine because I need to keep my old phone number so that I can stay in touch with Joel and Jenn. First Kandin suggested that I use Skype but I hadn’t heard of it. He wasn’t surprised. Says it’s not very popular in Australia. (How does he know that?) Then he suggested Whatsapp but I didn’t know that either. He told me that it was time I joined the modern world but he did go off and came back with a new phone for me.
‘Use this,’ he said. ‘You can have both phones with you.’
So he’s gone but I’ve got two phones. My old one with the PNG number and this snazzy thing that looks very expensive. Far too expensive to be a second phone I think. I thought at first that it was an iPhone but it isn’t. It’s a Samsung. Not the latest, he told me, but it would do.
When he’s gone, I ask Layla how we’re going to get to Carolyn’s. Where does she live? She’s got a flat in the CBD Layla tells me. Where’s that I ask? It’s the Central Business District. In the middle of the city. We get a taxi to the address, but Carolyn’s not in so we go for a coffee. One coffee costs the price of a pair of shoes but we try not to look surprised. We go back and find that Carolyn is there at last. Her flat is a student studio apartment which means it’s got one room that contains everything. The kitchen and a fold-out bed with a shower behind a curtain at the side and a toilet in a cupboard. So there’s no space, but Carol m
akes us welcome and for the first time since we arrived, my body stops shaking and I start to warm up.
While we’re eating our evening meal together which is a takeaway pizza that I think tastes like cardboard, I offer to show them my new phone.
‘Wait until we’ve eaten, Auli,’ Layla says. ‘Then we can have a proper look at it.’
She’s telling me to be polite and I take the hint and try to smile in between mouthfuls of chewing the hard thick substance that you have to eat along with the bits of salty meat and melted cheese on top of it. I’ve had cheese once before and I didn’t like it so I don’t like either the top or the bottom of this food. Layla seems to be doing much better than me and has accepted a second helping. With determination, I manage a bit better until something really horrible lands in my mouth. Is Carolyn trying to poison me? I spit it out. It’s a small black thing with a stone in the middle.
‘What’s that?’ I ask and rush off to get a drink of water. When I come back, they’re laughing at me.
‘It’s an olive, Auli,’ Layla tells me. ‘They’re nice.’
I look to see if she’s teasing me, but no, both she and Carol are eating theirs and appear to be enjoying them.
Carol laughs and picks one from the top of her pizza and pops it into her mouth.
‘You’ll get used to them, Auli,’ she says. ‘They’re the best bits.’
I go and put mine into the bin and get some water from the tap. I’m not going to get on very well in this place if I have to eat stuff like this. There isn’t any washing up because we ate out of cardboard boxes so all we have to do with them afterwards is to throw them away. I wash my hands and get more water and Carol asks me to put the kettle on and make some tea. I look at the kettle and wonder where I can put it to heat the water. There’s no fire and although I can see her cooker, I don’t know how to use it.
‘Just plug it in,’ she says and Layla comes to show me how it works.
‘It’s an electric kettle, Auli. Just fill it up and put it on the kettle base.’ When she does that a red light comes on and she tells me that the water is heating up. She takes over the tea-making and tells me to get the phone out.