by Eliza Quancy
‘That’s one part of the research,’ he tells me. ‘The other areas we want to explore are to do with powers of the mind that are as yet not well developed in most people, especially telepathic powers that can be used to access information and powers that can be used to control people’s behaviour.’
‘Do you mean special powers?’ I ask.
‘We can call them that for the time being,’ Lucas says. ‘Do you have any special powers, Aulani?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I reply. ‘I think so.’
‘That’s an excellent answer,’ Lucas says looking pleased. ‘Would you be interested to work with us to find out?’
‘Yes,’ I say. It sounds extremely interesting and I find myself wanting more than anything to be included in the project.
‘I’m sure your particular sensitivities would be very helpful,’ he tells me. ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I contacted Layla to ask about you. I’m aware that you’ve not taken any formal examinations and I needed to know about your interests and abilities. She assured me that you were an excellent student and that you have the kind of questioning mind that would be well suited to assisting with research.’ Lucas turns once again to both of us. ‘If you agree to take part, you would both be employed as research assistants.’ He takes a sip of his beer. Lucas is a slow drinker. Kandin has already finished his. I can see Kandin nodding enthusiastically, quite unlike his usual laid-back demeanour.
‘I’d love to,’ I burst out and feel myself glowing. I’m grateful for Layla’s report of my abilities and flattered to be asked, but more than that, I’m interested in the research he is outlining.
Lucas looks pleased. ‘That’s excellent,’ he says. ‘We can talk some more about it in a few days time. There are a couple of other people I need to talk to first.’
As we walk back along by the river, my head is full of questions and excitement. I almost forget that we still have to go to PNG. That Kandin still wants to kill Joel. That I still haven’t got Jenn back and that all these things hang in the balance. That I am using a fake passport and that I am not safe in my own country. For a few minutes, I put all that to one side and let the excitement of the research project give me hope and happiness.
37
‘How long are we staying here?’ I ask Kandin that evening. Lucas has gone out to see someone and we are alone in the house together.
‘Not long,’ he says. ‘I’ve booked for us to fly out on Saturday.’
‘Lucas will be disappointed,’ I say, thinking that it is me who will be disappointed. I want to find out more about the project and I’ve read about Oxford. I want to explore, go for walks along the river, visit the Ashmolean, try out the pubs along the Cowley Road where I’ve already heard live music pounding out.
‘We’ll be back,’ Kandin assures me. ‘But we’ve got business in Port Moresby. Have you forgotten?’
No, not forgotten, Kandin but I was hoping that you had.
‘Chrissie’s arriving this morning,’ Kandin tells me.
‘Does Lucas know?’
‘Yes, she’s been in touch with him because she wants to take us all out for a meal this evening.’
‘Is she staying here?’
Kandin laughs. ‘No, of course not.’
It’s difficult to believe that Kandin is planning to kill someone. He looks so angelic and uses his charm at every opportunity. His attitude towards me is variable. He tells me I have to help him bring down Joel because Joel is threatening his ‘activities’. And why do I have to help him I ask? It’s payback time, he tells me. I got the house. Now I have to pay back. Do I remember that I asked how I could thank him? And that he told me that he’d think of something. He laughs. Can he really be so cold and calculating?
‘This is a man’s life you’re talking about,’ I say. ‘A man who has saved my own life on three occasions.’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ Kandin says. ‘Every dog has its day.’
***
I miss Layla. I’ve tried texting her, but it’s clear that she still hasn’t got her phone back. There’s no point in texting Carol again. I already messaged to say that we were in Oxford. I’ll let her know when things change - if I can. As I get ready to go out for the meal with Chrissie, I stop to marvel at where I am and what’s happening to me. I’m in Oxford. I’m going out for a meal with Lucas, who is doing a doctorate in Oxford (Oxford!), and he has asked me to contribute to his research. That’s the best part. That somebody thinks I’m capable of contributing something. The fact that Kandin, too, is going to be part of the research team is a burden I’ll have to put up with. I have a shower and carefully apply the Witch’s Blood. Then I dress and am pleased when I regard myself in the mirror.
We go to a restaurant in town. Walk there. It’s not far and when we arrive, Chrissie is already sitting at a table she has reserved for us. She looks different tonight. Nervous. I’ve never seen Chrissie looking nervous before. I wonder what she’s got to be nervous about and whether I’m imagining things. We order and while we’re waiting for the food to arrive, we hardly manage to get a conversation going. Like us, Lucas is baffled as to why Chrissie wants us all together for a meal. We asked him and he doesn’t know. I’m beginning to think of him as Lucas now, not Saul. I’m going to ask him about Saul when I get the chance. Did they know each other? Stuff like that. Maybe they are related. I think that’s very probable.
It’s not until the main course is served and the waiters are well out of the way that Chrissie starts to tell us why she wanted to see us here.
‘There’s something I’ve got to tell you,’ she begins croakily as though her voice needs a bit of practice. We look at her and wait. ‘It affects all of you,’ she says, ‘and me too, of course.’ None of us says anything. ‘Of course, it won’t change anything,’ Chrissie says, ‘but I can’t bear it any longer. The not being able to say it. I need to tell you. All of you.’
Her nerves are affecting us. Even cool Kandin looks on edge.
‘What is it?’ Lucas asks. ‘You’re making us all nervous. Who have you killed and where is the body hidden?’ It is an attempt at a joke, but Chrissie takes him seriously.
‘No, Lucas,’ she says. ‘I haven’t killed anyone.’ She pauses. ‘But I might have done.’
‘It is about Grace?’ Lucas asks. ‘Are you going to tell us what happened to Grace?’
‘Grace died,’ Chrissie says. ‘What I told you in the first place, Lucas, was correct. Grace was still-born. She died before she arrived in the world.’ I see Lucas clench his fists in an attempt to keep his temper.
‘Then why, Chrissie, why did you send me on a wild-goose chase. Raise my hopes that I had a daughter somewhere?’
‘I wanted to hurt you,’ she says. ‘You were leaving us and I wanted to hurt you so I made it up and knew that you’d go looking for her. And knew that you’d hate me for sending her away. Which I didn’t do. But you should have been hating me for something else.’
‘What’s that?’ Lucas asks.
‘You do have a daughter,’ Chrissie says.
Now we’re all baffled. If Grace died at birth, where does another daughter fit in? We wait for her to continue. Even Lucas says nothing, but I see his hands clench again.
‘She’s here,’ Chrissie says. ‘It’s Aulani.’
I feel as though I’ve been punched in the stomach. What does she mean? And how dare she say things like this in a public place. Chrissie turns towards me.
‘I’m your mother, Aulani,’ she says and my spirits do more than sink. If it’s true, it’s a terrible thing to find out. I’ve never liked Chrissie. I can’t bear it.
‘Have you gone mad, mother?’ Kandin speaks. ‘How can Aulani be your daughter. Her birthday is almost the same as mine.’
‘Yes,’ Chrissie says. ‘It’s more than that, Kandin. Aulani’s birthday is exactly the same as yours, You’re twins.’ She looks at us all. ‘And yes, all of you are right. I didn’t want to have children. I didn’t want Grace. I was glad that
she was still-born, and I was depressed when I got pregnant again. I didn’t want a child. I didn’t want one and I certainly didn’t want two, so I chose the first one. You, Kandin,’ she says, ‘you were the first one, and then a girl was born.’ She doesn’t look at me as she carries on speaking. ‘There was a window with no louvres - I think they were being repaired. I pulled the flywire back and threw Aulani out of the window.’ She looks at our shocked faces. ‘That’s why nobody noticed there was a baby missing,’ she says. ‘Nobody knew I was having twins and they saw Kandin. Nobody looked for another baby.’ At last, she turns to me. ‘I just hoped that nobody would find you outside and bring you back in. But it didn’t happen. You disappeared and I breathed a sigh of relief.’ A slight pause. ‘I’m sorry, Aulani.’
I’ve had enough. I can’t take any more of this. I get up, grab my bag and rush out of the restaurant.
***
I’ve no idea where I am. I’ve been walking for hours. It’s late. Dark although there’s a moon. I’m by the river but not where we walked yesterday. I think I’m near Iffley. I saw a sign somewhere. I’m not going back. I can’t bear to see them. Any of them. At least Chrissie won’t be in the house but Kandin and Lucas will be there. I can’t face them. As I’ve walked, I’ve had one thing after another hit my mind. The colour of Jenn for instance. I expected her to be dark. Saul was very dark, but she was light-skinned. Light brown. Like Layla. Like me. Like Joel. No sign of Saul’s skin and it must have been because I’m half white. I’m shocked. I can’t bear it. I don’t want any white skin. Can’t imagine anything worse than Australian blood. I feel like killing myself. Pouring my bad blood into the ground where it belongs. I don’t want any of Chrissie’s blood mixed with mine.
My phone rings again and again, I ignore it, but I look to see who it is. It’s Lucas. I get up and walk further. It’s quiet here. There’s no-one about. I think of killing myself but I don’t want to do that. I can’t bear it, but I do want to live. There are people I love. There’s Jenn. She’s happy without me but she might need me later. And I definitely need her. What about Layla? She’s been my real mother all my life. How would she cope if I died? I can’t do it. Layla has given up so much for me. She’s loved me for so long. And there are things I want to do with my life.
There’s a text and I read what it says.
‘Where are you, Aulani? Please let me come and find you. Lucas.’
How strange that it’s Lucas. The person I know least is the one who wants to look for me. Not Chrissie (who is ‘sorry’ for throwing me out of the window). Not Kandin (who has spent so much time with me). I text a reply.
‘I’m by the river. Near Iffley, I think.’
‘Stay where you are. I’m on my way.’
So Kandin is my brother. And I don’t like him. And I’ve had sex with him. Incest. And Chrissie is my mother. And I don’t like her. I always dreamed of finding my family. My birth family. But I never dreamed it could be so awful. That you could find people you didn’t like. A family that you hated to be part of. I thought I would feel a connection. That it would be like coming home. But it isn’t. It’s unbearable. Worst of all is the Australian blood. Kandin doesn’t mind being mixed race but I do. I hate it. But there’s nothing I can do about it.
And strangest of all, there’s Lucas. He looks like Saul. Two fathers who both look the same. One of them dead. Killed. The other one looking like the first. Sounding like the first. My biological father. But the thing that I’ve hardly admitted to myself is that when I look at Lucas I see the Saul who tortured me. In my dreams, I’ve seen a smiling Saul. Almost always smiling. The kind one. But when I look at Lucas I see the one who cut me and ripped me apart. And now he’s coming to find me.
For a long time, I sit and wait, watching the water, seeing bubbles here and there and a few ripples. I think I see a rat. Maybe it’s a water rat. What does a water rat look like? It disappears over the side of the bank and into the water. I’m cold. I’ve got a jacket but I’m still cold. It’s not raining. In the distance, I see a figure approaching and as he gets closer, I see that it’s Lucas. Tonight he doesn’t look like Saul as I was afraid he would and I’m relieved. He looks pleased to see me and sits down on the bench beside me.
‘Can you talk?’ he asks. ‘Do you want to?’ I shake my head and Lucas lights a cigarette and starts to smoke.
‘I don’t smoke often,’ he says. ‘Just occasionally. Do you want one?’ I shake my head again.
‘I’ve never smoked,’ I say, and then, ‘Did you know Saul?’
‘Saul?’
‘Saul who married Layla. Layla is my guardian and my mama, the one you contacted to check on my school work.’
‘Of course, I know him,’ Lucas replies. ‘He’s my cousin. Lived with her up in Keroko for years and then disappeared. So I heard.’ Slowly I see that Lucas realises that Saul, too, was my guardian. Not just Layla. ‘Was he a good father?’ he asks me.
‘Sometimes,’ I reply.
‘He was religious,’ Lucas tells me. ‘Still is, I expect. I don’t think he will ever change. It was the missionaries. They got him young,’ and Lucas smiles at me. ‘We were surprised that he stayed with Layla after she was accused of sorcery. Saul was always talking about driving out evil spirits. That’s what he believed was happening to people who were accused of sorcery. He thought they were possessed.’
It makes sense, I think. That’s what Saul was doing when he tortured me. Driving them out. Driving them out. Driving them out. Lucas notices that I’m beginning to shiver.
‘Shall we go home, Aulani?’ he asks me gently and I nod. We don’t talk about what Chrissie has said. It’s too big. I like Lucas. He’s gentle and in some ways, he’s like Layla. I feel I might be able to trust him. Not Chrissie. Not Kandin, but possibly Lucas. If only I can stop seeing Saul when I look at him.
38
The noise is deafening, droning on and on. It seeps through the earplugs so I take them out. They’re uncomfortable anyway. I’m sitting next to Kandin on a Boeing 747 on our way to Darwin. London to Darwin and then we change and catch Air Niugini up to Moresby. I’m going home but there’s no joy in it. I’m terrified. We don’t talk about what will happen but every so often we’ve been talking about what Chrissie said.
‘It doesn’t make any difference,’ Kandin says. ‘We’re still the same. I’m me and you’re you.’
‘Of course, it makes a difference,’ I say. ‘You’re my brother. I’m your sister.’ I pause to let the weight of that sink in. ‘We used to think we were not related.’
I look at him and Kandin shrugs.
‘Jenn is your niece,’ I go on, hoping that will help to keep her safe. It should do.
‘I don’t care,’ he says. ’It doesn’t matter. I don’t know her. She’s the same as before. Your kid.’
‘And what about us?’ I say looking at him meaningfully.
‘Well, what about us?’ he asks picking up my hand and brushing the back of it with his lips. ‘What’s changed?’
‘You’re impossible,’ I say and I mean this seriously.
‘No,’ he replies. ‘I’m honest and unsentimental. It’s a good way to be.’
I put my earplugs back in and try to forget about him. Try to forget about everything. I’ve tried again to contact Layla. Wanted to tell her that I was on my way to Moresby but I can’t get in touch. I tried Carolyn but got no reply from her either, so there’s nothing I can do about that. I did my best to send warnings. It was all I could do.
When we get to Darwin, we’re both so tired that we hardly say a word and when we finally arrive in Moresby, I hardly have time to feel the pull of my motherland and how good it feels to be back when I’m whisked off in a taxi (a hot and uncomfortable taxi with no aircon - what did you expect Kandin says) to the Frangipani Hotel. Kandin has booked us in together so I’m having to share a double room with him although I see with relief that there are two single beds.
‘We can push them together,’ he says
wickedly, deliberately provoking me, ‘although we need a good rest before tomorrow.’
‘Why? What’s happening tomorrow?’
‘You’ll see,’ he says.
***
The PMV is hot, dirty and dusty but cheerful. With every swing and lurch it feels as though it might fall apart, but it doesn’t. I’ve had my instructions. I have to abduct Jenn like last time and take her on the bus to Gordon’s market where Joel will come to get her and then Kandin will kill him. And here we are. I’m sitting with Jenn on my knee and feeling so happy just to be with her again. It’s as though it’s completely normal, but it isn’t. I’m taking part in Kandin’s plan to kill Joel. I don’t understand how he can do this and I don’t understand how I can have agreed to it. I suppose I believe that he will hurt Jenn if I don’t. This morning I sat with him over coffee and tried to talk to him.
‘Why me?’ I ask Kandin. ‘Why do you need me and Jenn to be involved in your battle with Joel?’
‘It’s the only way to get him to come to a place of my choosing.’
‘And if I refuse?’
‘Then I’ll kill Jenn,’ Kandin replies calmly. ‘That’s easy to do and Joel will see that I mean business. I’m being nice, Auli. Can’t you see that I’m being nice? Doing it this way means that Jenn doesn’t have to die to punish her daddy.’
Shock doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about this. Unreality and disbelief is a better description. In the past, I have often thought that I was shocked by Kandin’s behaviour but part of me always saw his side of things. So the part of me that went along with it all could be excused. But not this time. He talks about my daughter’s life as though she is no more important than a fish or a bird who can be struck down at will. He seems to feel no guilt or shame and no regret at involving me in the evil act he intends to commit. But I believe he is serious so I don’t have a choice. All I can do is to pray that Layla has managed to warn Joel. It should have worked. Joel won’t know the day, but he’ll be alert waiting for Kandin to put his plan into action.