by Eliza Quancy
Getting Jenn to come with me was easy. I don’t know how she managed to remember me, but she did.
‘Mama,’ she shouted when she saw me and raced into my arms. There was so much noise going on all around that nobody noticed. Kids screeching. A radio playing loud pop music and women working in the garden, absorbed in what they were doing so I was lucky.
‘We’re going on the bus,’ I told her.
‘Same before,’ Jenn said. She remembered it all. No wonder Joel adores her. Who would not?
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Same before. Going to Aunty Shantelle’s.’ But Jenn didn’t like that part.
‘Going Papa. Same before,’ she said so I went along with her.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Going Papa.’
I sit on the bus and my mind fills with horror at the thought of Jenn watching her father get shot. Worse, there is the knowledge that I will be responsible for his death. The man who has saved my life three times. I suddenly realise what I can do. I can get off the bus early. I can get off with Jenn at the next stop and hope that Joel doesn’t rush up to the PMV. It might be worth a try.
‘Are you ready?’ I ask my daughter. ‘We’re getting off next.’
‘Off next,’ she repeats happily. ‘Off next.’ Then, ‘Going Papa,’ again and again. Jenn talks non-stop.
Eventually, the bus reaches the outskirts of the city and I look around. Perhaps one more stop, I think to myself. We’ll have to get to Aunty Shantelle’s and it’s quite far. No point in going to the hotel because I haven’t got Jenn’s passport with me. It’s in Melbourne. Kandin wouldn’t let me go back to fetch anything. And I’ve got no money to pay for another ticket. While I’m considering all this, the bus shudders to a stop and people start to get on. I think I’m seeing things when I see Layla. She smiles at me and waves and I can’t believe it. I’ve no idea how she got here and on to this particular bus but it does seem like a miracle. She comes to sit down beside me.
‘Jenn,’ I tell my daughter. ‘This is Aunty Layla.’
‘Aunty Layla,’ Jenn tries to repeat. ‘Aunty Layla.’ Then ‘Going Papa’ she informs Layla before she turns back to look out of the window because the bus sets off again.
‘Layla!’ I say in amazement. ‘How did you get here? How wonderful to see you.’
‘No, Auli,’ Layla says quietly. ‘It is not good to see me. I’ve come to make you do as I say.’ What does she mean? Layla opens her handbag and points inside. She’s got a gun. Layla with a gun? I start to laugh and reach for it myself. It must be fake. But she holds my arm. Vice- like. Her grip is like iron. She’s old. She can’t be as strong as she feels.
‘Yes, I am,’ she says answering the question I haven’t asked. ‘I am strong, Auli. Much stronger than you are. And I do have a gun. It’s loaded and I am going to use it.’
‘Going Papa,’ Jenn starts chanting over and over, but Layla tells her to be quiet and the child shuts up.
‘Saul’s daughter,’ Layla says and nods at Jenn. Again this is not a question. She’s not asking me. She knows.
‘How did you find out?’ I ask and she half laughs half sobs but quickly controls herself.
‘Joel sent a picture of Jenn to Faisal. It was for you but I saw it. I saw immediately that she was Saul’s child. You’ve lied to me, Auli. All these years, you’ve lied to me.’
‘I thought it would upset you,’ I whisper.
‘Upset me,’ Layla echoes and the sound rings in my ears despite the noisy bus. ‘Yes, Auli, you could say that.’
‘So why are you here?’ I ask her.
‘I agreed to kill Joel for Kandin,’ she says surprising me. ‘And he thought you might get off the bus early so we arranged for me to get on here to make sure that didn’t happen. I’m going to kill Joel when we get to the market.’
‘But why?’ I ask. ‘You always said you liked Joel. That he was a good man.’
‘That was before I knew,’ she says.
‘Knew what?’ I ask. Nothing is making sense.
‘He is the grandson of the man who accused me,’ Layla says.
‘What difference does that make?’
Layla looks at me almost with contempt.
‘I don’t think you’re a PNG girl. If you were, you would understand. You would never ask such a question. It’s payback, Auli. Didn’t I teach you about payback in life lessons? You didn’t learn, but now you will learn the hard way. The hardest way because it’s you who I am going to kill first.’
Jenn cuddles into me. She’s gone quiet and tense. She knows that things are going wrong. I hold her tight but how can I protect her? What can I do? Layla has stopped talking and we travel in silence as the bus lurches and bumps. Layla has taken the gun out of her bag and is sticking the end of it into my side, right next to Jenn’s leg. I wonder if she’s taken the safety catch off or if it even has a safety catch. That’s what I’ve seen in the movies. If the gun is ready to fire then it’s a miracle that it hasn’t gone off already as we’re thrown about by the PMV. This driver obviously loves swinging around corners. He’d go on two wheels if he could.
My mind is in turmoil. I struggle to think straight. I can’t accept that Layla and Kandin have been working against me although Kandin wouldn’t see it like that. Kandin, in fact, is quite straightforward. He puts himself and his interests first and anybody else’s concerns hardly register. He must have been delighted to find that he could get Layla to shoot Joel for him and me to get Joel to the appointed place. Kandin doesn’t have to do anything. He can just stand and watch.
But Layla! How can she think like this? How can she think it is right to shoot a man who has never done her any harm? Who has done the opposite. Who has helped to save her.
‘Have you been in touch with Joel?’ I ask and I see Layla smile.
‘Of course,’ she says. ‘You put me in touch with him via Faisal.’ She stops and moves slightly so that the end of the gun changes position. I can feel it pressing against me. ‘I tried to teach you,’ she says, ‘but you didn’t learn the most important lesson.’
‘What was that?’ I ask but I know what’s coming.
‘Don’t trust anyone. Not ever. And especially if the person is close to you.’
There is nothing I can say to this so I ask something else.
‘Does Joel know?’ I ask. ‘About Jenn?’
‘Oh yes,’ Layla tells me. ‘I emailed him immediately. I made sure that he knew.’
The PMV stops again. The next stop will be ours. Not long now. I’ve read that your whole life is supposed to flash before you as death approaches, but it doesn’t. At least not for me. I feel Jenn heavy and uncomfortable on my knee and I’m aware of the end of the gun pushing hard into my side. My mind is a blank. One last try. I decide to speak to Layla one last time.
‘Don’t you love me, Layla?’
‘No, Auli,’ she whispers. ‘I hate you. For killing Saul. For having his child. For lying to me and taking the best part of my life.’
The PMV comes to a shuddering standstill with a final rock from side to side before it is finally still. Jenn is still quiet and the three of us get up to leave the bus. Layla has stepped back so that I can go first. I am carrying Jenn. My child is anxious and tense. We step off the bus on to the dry caked ground and are surrounded by people. I put Jenn on the ground as fast as I can and shout, ‘Go, Jenn. Run. Go find Papa.’ She runs and the gun digs into my back.
‘It’s the end,’ Layla says. ‘Say your prayers, Auli, if you’ve got any prayers to say,’ and I hear a click and then a bang. I fall on the ground and for an instant everything is black. When I open my eyes and stare at my body, I am covered in blood. But it’s not mine. Slowly I see that it’s Layla’s blood. Joel has shot her.
He is leaning over me trying to help me up.
‘Mama, mama,’ Jenn is shouting, but her voice sounds distant and someone is holding her back.
‘Are you all right?’ Joel asks me but I can hardly hear him. I shake my head and try to speak
.
‘I can’t hear you,’ I say as I look around at the mass of people who are moving backwards and forwards and pointing and staring at us.
‘It’s the sound of the shot,’ Joel says. ‘You’ll hear again in a minute.’ I see that some men are covering Layla and taking her away. Layla. My Layla. My mama. I lie on the ground and cry. Great heaving sobs for Layla. For my mama and for all that she’s ever meant to me.
39
‘Come on, Auli,’ Joel says. ‘We need to leave this place,’ and he helps me up and leads me to a police car parked on the grass. ‘Get in,’ he says, and I do.
He takes me and Jenn to Bomana to the Police College where he has a house. I am surprised when we arrive that we have to stop at a gate with a sentry box where the guards on duty salute Joel and raise the bar to let us through.
‘Papa’s house,’ Jenn shouts as we stop outside. ‘Papa’s house.’ She seems to be fully recovered as I watch her run around. The shooting doesn’t seem to have affected her. She knows this place, and she’s happy here.
‘This is where we live,’ Joel explains once we get inside. ‘Jenn goes to visit in the village, but this is our home.’ I hear someone coming up the steps and taking off their shoes on the veranda. A young girl appears in the doorway.
‘Mama Nanna, Mama Nanna,’ Jenn shouts and rushes into the girl’s arms.
‘This is Prinanna,’ Joel tells me. ‘She’s my wife, Auli.’
‘Hello,’ I manage to say. ‘Pleased to meet you,’ and Prinanna smiles at me. She takes me into the back of the house and shows me where the shower is. She gives me clean clothes and takes my bloodstained laplap and blouse and asks if she should burn them. I nod.
I’m beginning to hear again and that helps, but I can’t seem to stop trembling. Joel says it’s shock and Prinanna finds a blanket to wrap around me so after the shower, I sit in a chair wrapped up and slowly begin to feel warmer. Joel gets a beer for himself and one for me and Prinanna says she’s going to take Jenn for a walk.
‘Back soon, Mama,’ Jenn shouts to me as she leaves with Prinanna, ‘Back soon.’
Everything feels unreal. Joel. The house. The girl. I try to get a hold on my feelings, but the sight of Layla’s blood on my clothes and the memory of her body lying on the ground is more than I can bear. Layla is gone. Layla can’t be gone.
‘She was going to kill you,’ Joel says. ‘I saw the gun. It was the only way, Auli.’
‘But she wouldn’t have killed me, Joel. Not really. I can’t believe it. Layla loved me. Layla has always loved me.’ Joel doesn’t look convinced but doesn’t argue with me. He drinks his beer and watches me drink mine. ‘Where is Kandin?’ I ask, remembering that I hadn’t seen him at all.
‘He’s in jail,’ Joel tells me with satisfaction. ‘Awaiting trial, but he’ll be convicted.’
And then I remember something else.
‘What did Layla tell you about Jenn?’ I ask. I have to admit that Joel doesn’t seem at all upset about anything. In fact, quite the opposite. I’ve not seen him this relaxed in all the time I’ve known him.
‘She told me that Jenn was Saul’s daughter,’ Joel says and laughs. ‘As though anyone would believe that. Layla was obsessed with Saul you know. I don’t think you ever realised, Auli.’ Joel takes out his phone and shows me the picture of Jenn on the home screen.
‘Look,’ he says. ‘We’ve got exactly the same skin colour and she’s got my mouth. Everybody comments on it.’ Then he becomes serious.
‘I want to ask you something, Auli. Actually,’ he says, ‘I want to beg you.’ I look at his eyes and see how much this means to him and I know what he’s going to ask. ‘Please leave Jenn with us. You can see her whenever you want. You can take her for visits, but please let her live here with us. Prinanna loves her and Jenn is happy. There’s another one coming and Jenn will have a brother. I know you love her, but she’s settled here and happy.’
What he doesn’t say is that he can’t bear the thought of life without her and I can understand that.
‘I’ll need to think about it,’ I say. ‘I can’t think straight at the moment. Can’t think at all. I don’t know what I’m going to do without Layla.’
‘All right,‘ Joel says and sips his beer. He’s drinking slowly. ‘There’s one last thing I need to tell you,’ he looks pleased and I wait to hear what it is. ‘You can be issued with a legal passport now. It was Layla who was convicted of sorcery. You were only suspected of it and all charges against you have been dropped. Now that she is gone, you will be left alone.’
It’s all too much to take in and I’m exhausted and still shaky. Can’t think and can’t even get up out of the chair.
‘Can I stay here tonight?’ I ask. ‘I don’t want to go back to the hotel. And could somebody fetch my things?’
‘Of course,’ he says and he brings me another beer.
I need as many as possible.
40
The circle is swept and I’m cooking kaukau under the house. Keroko is as wet and as green as ever and the jasmine thrives. There are new banana suckers growing by the side of the house and the little frangipani tree that Saul planted when I first arrived has nearly reached full height. It’s a sturdy tree bearing the waxy flowers that Saul loved best.
For Layla and myself, it was always the hibiscus even though they are one of the commonest flowers in the country. Layla and I never thought that things had to be rare to be beautiful. Layla and I. Layla and I. Layla. Layla. Oh, Layla. Her name drifts into the trees. Frangipani and hibiscus grow better on the coast but they manage up here. And we liked the devil’s lilies, huge white bells that hang their heads. We liked. Past tense. The ‘we’ is all past tense. I am alone. I am alone and I am never alone.
I came here after Kandin was put in jail. I attended the trial and saw his face, full of disbelief. He hadn’t thought that it would happen. Chrissie didn’t come, but Lucas did. Flew from Oxford to be here to support his son. I don’t know if Kandin is worth supporting or if he even notices. I suppose everyone is, but Kandin doesn’t seem to need people like the rest of us do. I suppose I might be wrong about this. I came here to put my mind in order before I go to Oxford to help Lucas with his project but putting my mind in order is as hard as ever.
I have explored myself to see what I can do and I find there is quite a lot. I can leave my body like I did before and come back safely. Limited space travel. I can go backwards to previous times and places, but willy nilly. No control. I can’t go forwards. Limited time travel. I can do silly things like cut a pack of cards and know which card will be face up. I can examine my opinions and consider their opposites. I can regard facts and walk around them to see what they look like from the other side. I am practising these things.
I’ve drawn and painted a lot. It’s my form of meditation. I’ve covered every surface in the house with my drawings. They’re on the walls, the doors, and the ceilings. Joel comes to visit regularly and likes to look at them. He brings Jenn so I’m getting to know her and when she’s here, we draw together. Jenn lives with Joel and Prinanna and this arrangement works well. Jenn is a happy child. Already beginning to read which is unusual at her age. Her little brother was born two weeks ago and they say he looks just like Jenn except perhaps for the nose.
Secrets that cannot be shared are heavy to carry. I am the only one who knows who Jenn’s father is. Jenn doesn’t know. Joel doesn’t know because he wouldn’t believe it when Layla told him. Lucas and Kandin don’t know. Does it matter?
Now that Layla’s gone, I’m the only one who knows that I killed Saul, but is she right? Would Lucas come to kill me if he knew? Would there be payback? Would a father kill a daughter to avenge a cousin brother? Would a girl be worth less than a man? If Lucas knew why I did it, would he understand? I think he might, but I’m not going to risk it. Let the dead sleep in their graves as someone once said. Except of course that they don’t. That is the last place you will find them. I see Saul everywhere and find hi
s spirit in birds and in the leaves of trees, in the way they rustle and create shapes and faces if you stare at them long enough. But I don’t see Layla’s face. Layla seems to be gone.
The biggest problem is my blood. I haven’t meditated long enough, haven’t painted long enough, haven’t sat and stared for long enough to be able to accept who has made me or what it means. I do not yet know who I am.
The food is ready and I’m hungry when I hear a shout.
‘Aulani, are you there?’
I’m surprised, but I know who it is.
‘Let me in,’ he says as he stands at the entrance to the path. I pick up the broom and go to greet him. I’m surprised that he waits. Why does he wait for me to let him in?
‘Hello, Kandin,’ I say. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Chrissie got me out,’ he says. ‘She paid a large sum of money. Apparently, I am worth a lot.’
‘I’m sure you are,’ I say, ‘Come and put your things inside. The food’s ready so you’re just in time. Come and eat and then we can talk.’
I’m not surprised to see him, but neither am I pleased. Kandin is my enemy. My brother and my enemy. I knew he would come, but I’m surprised that he’s out of jail so quickly. I calculate. He has been in prison for only six months. We eat and then we talk a little. He goes to bed early because he’s tired. It’s a long climb up the mountain.
The next day I get ready to set off with him. I had been hoping to go alone and would have preferred that, but Kandin has got the tickets for us to go to Oxford. He is trying to take charge as he did in the past. He doesn’t understand that things have changed. He tells me we are due to leave in three days time.
We are both ready now, so I close the door and I open the circle to let him out.
‘Give us a kiss, Auli.’
He hasn’t changed so he doesn’t know that I am not his friend.
‘No,’ I reply.
Kandin shrugs then walks towards me. He doesn’t believe my answer. Doesn’t care.