Both Ways

by Edward Goble

  Dr. Ray hugged his young friend when he came into the room noticing Madison felt stiff and tired. He felt sorry for the young man. The Denomination decided to remove Madison from his duties and install Dan Williams as interim pastor, effective immediately. Dr. Ray met separately with Steve Franz who agreed to bury the story. Dr. Ray stepped in to speak for the upcoming weekend services at Community Chapel where he told the congregation all that was ever to become public knowledge. He also arranged a meeting with Madison and David Bean over breakfast Monday morning.

  Chapter 95

  Madison had spent his nights in the spare bedroom, Jill having relieved him of his place in her bed. Sunday night, after the worst five days of his life, he sat on the little side chair in the spare room, the twin bed, night stand and toy-soldier lamp the only other furniture in the room. He prayed that he would either wake up from this nightmare or go to sleep fast. The silence was broken by a light tap on the door. He didn’t answer.

  Jill opened the door and stepped inside. Billy and the baby were asleep and she walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. She crossed her arms and looked hard at her husband.

  “Madison, I can stand for a lot of things, but I can’t stand lies, and you know that. You’ve lied to me. You lied to your son. You’ve lost my trust. But I need you to tell me the truth right now. It’s just me and you, and this is the most important conversation we’ll ever have, trust me on that.” He looked over at her, expressionless, his will drained, his career ruined, his marriage on the rocks.

  “I need to know,” she began, “how long you have had a relationship with that woman.”

  Madison considered his options and figured full disclosure was his only hope. “We met in Dallas, on my first trip out there. Just talked, she kind of came on to me, but I, you know, I brushed her off. We traded emails after that. Then, she showed up at church that day, I didn’t expect that, she didn’t even know my name or where I lived. Then, yeah, I went to the Marriottt, obviously. I can’t believe that guy was following me. I went to her room. We kissed. But that’s all, Jill, I swear it. When things started getting serious, I ran for the door. I got rid of my shirt and decided never to see her again.”

  “But you did.”

  “Yeah. We began trading emails. I never told her I was going to Dallas. I didn’t expect to see her there, I promise...”

  “And in her room.”

  “The first night was - kind of like the Marriottt. We kissed, it started to get out of hand and I got out of there. The second night - there were only two times - the second

  time she really was trying to find me a flight. After I talked to you and the doctor, I was just torn as to whether to come home or to stay, and I guess I waited too long to decide. I fell asleep... we fell asleep.

  “In her bed?”

  “On her bed. Nothing happened, I promise. I was worried sick about you.”

  “You never had sex?”

  “Jill... we never came close. I wanted to go farther, but I didn’t, I promise.”

  “Madison,” she said. He looked at her with sorrowful, needy eyes. “Are you still in touch with her? Have you communicated since you’ve been back from Dallas?”

  Madison was quiet, the words wouldn’t come to him. He cleared his throat, “Yes,” he whispered.

  “Do you want to go to her, to be with her?” Jill said, crying softly now.

  He shook his head, “Jill. No. I want to stay here. I want to be with you. Only you. I want to cut it off. It’s just...”

  “I won’t share,” she said. “If you want it both ways, then this can be your last night in this house. The vows we took were to be faithful. If you can’t do that, then we’re done. But, if you can cut it off, and I mean right now, for good. And get counseling for this, get better, then... we’ll see how it goes.” She stood and left without another word.

  Madison hardly slept. How could a man lose so much, so fast.

  Chapter 96

  Dr. Ray and Dave Bean walked into Denny’s and found Madison already on his third cup of coffee. Madison remained seated until Dr. Ray insisted that he stand up and give him a hug. Madison dutifully complied and embraced Dave Bean after Dr. Ray.

  Dave whispered, “Love you, buddy,” as he squeezed his old roommate.

  “Tough week,” Dr. Ray began.

  “You could say that,” Madison said without humor.

  “Madison, we love you, and God loves you - that was never in question. You realize that, don’t you?” Dr. Ray said. “And no matter what fallout ever happens, if any, that will always be true. You’ve got to let that sink in, my boy. God loves you, and your friends love you. We still believe in you. Nothing you could ever do would change that.”

  “I don’t feel very worthy of anyone’s love right now.”

  “That’s completely understandable. You screwed up. There’s no way around it. You lived a lie for, what, ten months? That’s how addiction works my friend. You are the last one to see it. You deny, deceive, invent, fabricate, whatever it takes. And then you’re caught, like Jesus said, and, like you yourself have preached, ‘The things we do in secret will be shouted from the housetops.’ It’s a spiritual truth my friend; there is no getting around it.”

  “I’m living proof.”

  “Unfortunately. But it’s love and justice, Madison, remember that. God is just, but He is also love. That will never change,” Dr. Ray said. “Your response to all this is the critical thing now.”

  “One thing I wanted to say, Mad,” Dave began, “you know, the very first week I was here, remember that, after we had lunch and you introduced me to Shani? I still remember what you preached on. Do you?” Madison shook his head. “Well, it helped me get back on the right path. It was called being in the wrong place at the right time. You said, ‘If you are in the wrong place and the right time then you are right in line for temptation.’ Do you remember that?”

  “Mhmm.”

  “Well, it’s what you preached. You lived it. You did the same thing as David. I don’t know if you realize that or not. You had the choice, you could have been with your troops, specifically, your wife and children, when they needed you most. But you chose Bathsheba.”

  “There was more to it than that.”

  “But isn’t that what it comes down to?”

  “Madison, do you want to know how to protect yourself from this ever happening again?” Dr. Ray said.

  “Well. I feel like a kindergardner, but, yes, I need to, I want to save my family.”

  “Right here,” Dr. Ray patted Dave Bean on the shoulder. “Remember what I said when I was here? Keep David close... and it’s not just Dave - it’s the idea of having a few people in your life with whom you are fully and completely accountable. You were living on an island, Madison, and that’s what got you in trouble. You invited David in, but only so far. You never confided in him. But you can, you are safe with him, you have to realize that. If you don’t you’ll walk right back onto that island, and you can’t do that. Jill won’t be able to handle that.”

  “I’m here for you, Mad, and I need the same thing. I need to be accountable too.” Dave said reaching across the table. Madison looked at Dave’s outstretched right hand, then brought his forward, reluctantly, and they shook.

  “I don’t deserve friends like you,” Madison said to both men. “I hope to win back some of the trust that I’ve lost. Thanks for being here for me... for us.”

  Chapter 97

  Jill asked to speak at all three services the following weekend. She just wanted five minutes, but Dan and Paula would have given her the whole service if she wanted it. She stayed in the ready room sitting with her best friend, Dawn Neilson, until the song ended, which provided her cue. When she took the stage, each service erupted with a spontaneous standing ovation. During the last of the three services, the last service at Community Chapel that she would attend for six months, she said:

  “Friends, I love my husband very much. He is a good man and has
been a good pastor. He loves you very much. He has sinned and taken advantage of the honor you had given him by allowing him to shepherd this flock. And he is deeply sorrowful. I don’t know what the future has in store for Madison, or for the Enright family, but, with your support and prayer, I’m certain we’ll be all right. Loved ones, people sin, people disappoint, people fail. We let each other down all the time. Just about the time we think we’ve made it to the top, something comes along and knocks us back down a notch, or in this case, knocks a family to their knees. But God’s forgiveness and love will rule the day. If we all,” she swept a hand across the congregation as her voice cracked, “If we all can come out of this trial stronger in our faith and more resolute in our dependence on Christ, then, the victory here will belong to God, not the destroyer.”

  Jill paused during an extended applause to look into the eyes and hearts of the many people she had known and loved for the past seventeen years. “I just want to assure you of one thing beyond everything else. God will never fail you. Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, and today, and forever, and He will never leave you, and He will never forsake you, and He will never let you down. He loves you very, very much.” She smiled and turned, walking off the stage to applause greater than when she came in. It only became louder as people wouldn’t stop and they wouldn’t sit down. Finally, Pastor Dan instructed the band to begin to play. The service ended after twenty minutes of music. Dan wouldn’t preach at Community Chapel today. Jill Enright said all that needed to be said.

  The End.

  Author Notes

  But did he repent? Well, Madison Enright is certainly sorry. But the truth is that he is more sorry for getting caught than for his actual transgression. King David’s repentance was accepted because it was clothed in shear brokenness. Madison is disappointed in himself, and honestly sorry for letting people down, but in terms of the true sorrow that leads to repentance before God - he’s not even close. Because it doesn’t seem like he would have stopped things on his own. He just stopped because he got caught. He thought he could handle the double life.

  He’s a guy that hasn’t fully come to grips with the implications of his choices. He hasn’t hit bottom. He thinks he has, because everything is falling apart, but he still doesn’t really understand the meaning behind Jill’s words. 

  Unfortunately, until a person reaches the point of repentance on their own, almost nothing can coax them there. If they are treated with a “forgive and forget” mentality and there is no accountability going forward, they almost always return to their error. This happens every day in real life, look at the prison system at the percentage of inmates that are second and third time offenders. Without repentance there can be no reform. Actually, Madison could even tell people that he has repented (and he probably will) but there is a drastic difference between saying it and really doing it. Show a smoker an x-ray of his lungs and tell him he’s killing himself. He’ll agree with you and feel terrible and promise to quit. Not likely. Same with an alcoholic. Same with everybody - until it becomes intensely personal at a level that might be a little different for each person. Till that happens, they won’t change. But when it happens, they will fall on their face before God and man - that’s the place we want Madison to be - but he’s not there.

  So I couldn’t really say he had repented before God, when he hadn’t. The truth is that he is not all the way back, he’s really just got a glimpse of the stakes. He’s going to have to make some more choices, and they probably won’t all be good. As they say, things tend to get worse before they get better.

  But what of the next season of Madison and Jill’s relationship. Will it be repaired? Can it be repaired? She warned him that he couldn’t have it both ways, and she meant it. But we know this guy has a pretty good heart and, while he is tormented by his lust, he really does love his family and he loves God. So maybe some of the things we were hoping to see at the end of this book will begin to happen in their lives. Just not yet.

  There is nothing magic about following Christ. It is a life of sowing and reaping, there is no way around it. I wanted the book to have a happy ending worse than anything, but Madison wouldn’t play along. And if I made him, against his will, it wouldn’t have been true. And if there’s one thing that bugs me about how we (religous types) tend to handle situations like these (in real life, that is,) it is that we try to manipulate the story before it is ready to resolve on its own.

  These are some heavy issues to discuss through the medium of fiction - Jesus told stories all the time, and it’s not as easy as it looks. Hopefully, you can take away a few things you didn’t expect and make some good choices of your own. That’s my prayer at least.

  Edward Goble

  Taylor County, Kentucky

  July 5, 2007