First Christmas

by Trevor McCall

  Kyle looked at Aubrey, “I’ll leave you two alone.”

  Aubrey put her hand on his shoulder as Kyle began to walk away. “You don’t need to go.”

  Kyle turned to face Aubrey. She saw in his eyes he was going to do the right thing one more time. “You two were engaged. He deserves an explanation. I would get in the way of that.”

  “What about what I deserve.”

  Kyle knew what Aubrey was really asking for. He tried, in the best way possible, to answer her. “If you let me, I will give you all the love in my heart for all the days in my life. If you choose to be with me, I promise you will never want for anything so long as I am on this Earth. I will prize you as the rarest and most valuable gift. I will, literally, worship the ground you walk on.” Kyle paused for a moment. He wanted that part to sink in before he went any further. “But, you have to believe me when I tell you, the reason I left all those years ago is not my reason to tell.”

  Kyle turned his back to Aubrey and walked directly at Walter. The way Kyle walked looked to Walter as though it were meant to intimidate him, because it was meant to intimidate him. When Kyle stopped, there weren’t more than two inches between his toes and Walter’s toes. Walter squirmed and fidgeted. He could hardly keep himself from running away.

  Kyle let the intimidation build by remaining quiet for several seconds. Just when the tension became unbearable for Walter, just when he was about to take off running, Kyle extended his hand. Walter took it. He looked very uncomfortable meeting Kyle’s grip.

  “Merry Christmas.” Given the context, Kyle figured this was the best warning he could deliver that Aubrey would not be hurt on Kyle’s watch. Kyle then dropped Walter’s hand. He left the barn without another word. He didn’t even turn back to make sure Aubrey was okay with him leaving. She was a strong woman. There was little doubt in Kyle’s mind she could handle Walter.

  Aubrey and Walter converged in the barn in Kyle’s wake. Aubrey looked miserable. She knew she needed to deal with Walter better than she originally had, but this night wasn’t the time she would have chosen. “Walter, why did you come here?”

  “Is that all I get?”

  “What are you talking about?” Aubrey couldn’t keep the shrill tones of exasperation from infecting her voice.

  “There were no planes or trains moving at all. The entire East Coast has been buried in snow for the last three days. I had to rent a Jeep, Aubrey. A Jeep!” Walter made unparalleled signs of disgust at having been forced to drive a Jeep. “Why did I have to rent a Jeep, you ask? Because all of the Range Rovers were rented. And there was no way I was bringing the Mercedes out of the garage in this weather.”

  “Walter!” Aubrey silenced his tirade. “Focus!” She had never spoken to him like this before. “Why did you come?”

  “I had to come.” Walter said it as though it were obvious.

  “What does that mean to you, Walter, that you had to come for me? I want you to explain to me in your own words what you mean when you say you had to come for me.” This was the closest Aubrey would get to giving him a chance.

  Walter held up the pointer finger on his left hand. “It means, number one, we are engaged.” He held up a second finger. “It means, number two, we have an appointment next Tuesday to look at wedding dresses at the most exclusive bridal shop in New York City.” He held up a third finger. “It means, number three, we are supposed to get married this spring at my mother’s house in the Hamptons.” Walter held up his fourth, and mercifully last, finger. “It means, number four, that I have told all my friends and family the specific day this coming March when you are to become my wife. I am going to look like a complete and utter fool if you don’t become my wife.”

  “Oh Walter.” Aubrey sighed. Contained within the sigh was the feeling she had narrowly avoided making the biggest mistake of her life.

  “What?” Walter, of course, thought he had won. In fact, he thought he won the moment he rented the Jeep. He was baffled Aubrey still looked at him like it was over.

  “It was such an easy question. Do you really not get it?” Aubrey searched Walter’s face for signs he got it. After a moment, it became clear he did not, and never would.

  “Get what?”

  “The correct answer to my question.” Aubrey helped him.

  Walter was silent for several seconds. When he couldn’t avoid it any longer, he was forced to ask, “what was the question, again?”

  Aubrey closed her eyes and shook her head. She knew in that moment how lucky she was. “Why did you come here after me?”

  Walter frowned, “I thought I just gave you the reasons for that.”

  Aubrey shook her head at Walter. She could not believe how dense he was being. She could not believe she had ever thought it would turn out alright if she married him. “The correct answer, Walter, is… because you love me.” Aubrey began to walk away. She was done with Walter forever. “Don’t worry, I’ll drop your precious ring by the apartment when I stop by next week to get my things.” Aubrey exited the barn. As Kyle had done before her, she left without looking back.

  As she walked toward the homemade amphitheater area, Aubrey thought about the wildness of the emotions she had experienced over the last five minutes. She remembered the epiphany she had about her relationship with Walter and how he had been an anti-Kyle for her. That epiphany in which she realized how Walter had been her way of making sure she never loved anyone enough to be hurt by them again.

  She remembered Kyle telling her he would split the world for her. What a beautiful thing to say. Why was she being so stubborn in asking for more? Did it really matter what his reason had been twelve years ago? He wanted to be with her now. He regretted what he had done all those years ago. Why wasn’t that enough for her? What person wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to be with someone who promised to split the world if asked? Was she being unreasonable in holding out for the one thing he said he couldn’t give her?

  She felt her heart beginning to spread apart. A little more pressure here or there, and it would be officially broken for the first time since the last time. Why was she so susceptible to Kyle? It was as though he were some sort of neutron star and she were a helpless planet caught in his overwhelming gravity. She could not escape him whenever she got near.

  She hated to think it, but couldn’t stop herself from wondering if, maybe, he was her one true love. Lord, what a hopeless romantic she was. She chastised herself for being silly. True love was not a workable concept to anyone outside of… well, high school. There, she said it. That’s when most people stopped believing there was one true love out there for them. The world had a wonderful way of teaching the seven and a half billion people riding on it that True Love was for fairy tales. And, every one of those seven and a half billion people eventually learned the truth—fairy tales don’t come true.

  To be fair to herself, she also didn’t understand why her request of Kyle was so impossible to fulfill. If he were willing to split the world for her, surely, he should be willing to tell her why he had deserted her twelve years ago. Try as she might, she couldn’t come up with a reason he might give that she would be unlikely to forgive. She wondered if maybe that didn’t mean she was being sillier than she imagined. If she intended to forgive him no matter what his reason, why did she really need him to tell her?

  No! No! No! She was emphatic with herself. She needed the question answered because of how great the pain had been. The wound he left in her had taken years to heal. In some ways, she now believed, it never healed. Her relationship with Walter demonstrated that fact. If she could agree to marry someone who didn’t know how to love, then necessarily, she was afraid of love.

  Thinking of Walter made her remember how he hadn’t been able to say he loved her when they were standing together in the barn just now. Kyle begged her for forgiveness. Walter drew a list in the air of complaints against Aubrey. The number one complaint being he had been forced to ride down from New York in a Jeep. Kyle told her he would
, ‘literally, worship the ground she walked on’. Walter reminded her of his mother’s house in the Hamptons. There was no comparison between the two men who had asked Aubrey to be with them on that night. She wanted to give herself completely to the winner, but she owed it to the Aubrey of the past to get her question answered. Even if the search cost her the best shot she would ever have at knowing what True Love felt like.

  As Aubrey returned to the area around the stage, she found Dolly had finished her show while she was gone. People milled about, enjoying each other’s company. Aubrey saw her mother talking to Marcus near the bonfire. No matter how many times she scanned the crowd, she didn’t see Kyle. For that matter, she didn’t see Kyle’s mom, or Mr. Clarke either. She hurried over to the bonfire where her mother stood with Marcus.

  Greta saw her coming, “Hello, Aubrey. I was just thanking Mr. Peterson for the gift of his beautiful Christmas tree.”

  Marcus denied the significance of the gift in the way people do when they are being generous. “It was the least we could do, Mrs. Wilson.” Marcus gave both of Greta’s hands a squeeze. “Now, if you ladies will excuse me, I’ve got to help with the cleanup.”

  “Of course,” Greta began. “Please tell Dolly how much we enjoyed the show.”

  “I will.” Marcus left them for the area behind the stage.

  Greta saw in Aubrey’s face that a train wreck had happened somewhere in the vicinity of this evening. “What’s wrong, Aubrey?”

  “Everything. Walter showed up. He interrupted Kyle and I…”

  “Walter?” Greta’s voice cracked with disbelief.

  “I know. He seemed to be trying to satisfy some vision of himself as a jilted lover. I don’t know what he hoped to accomplish. To be honest with you, he didn’t seem to know what he hoped to accomplish either.” Aubrey hijacked her attempt at summary with the only thing that mattered to her. “Never mind Walter, mom. Have you seen Kyle?”

  “Of course, dear. He left with Melissa and Mr. Clarke not more than two minutes ago. I knew something was wrong. They barely waited for Dolly to finish before he started saying how Melissa was cold and he needed to get her back home. I offered to give her a ride so he could wait for you. Melissa accepted my offer, but he wouldn’t hear of it. Oh, I just knew something went wrong.” Secretly, Greta wondered if she hadn’t made her first mistake. Perhaps, she should have said something to make Kyle stay. She could have done that.

  “He didn’t say anything else?” Aubrey was distraught.

  “Nothing, dear.”

  “Oh mom. I’m afraid I’ve messed everything up.” Aubrey was in danger of collapsing into her mother’s arms and dissolving in tears.

  “Why would you say that?” Greta asked.

  “I asked Kyle to tell me why he left me all those years ago. I don’t know, mom. It feels like its important, but now that he’s gone I wonder if I’m wrong. Maybe, it’s not important at all.” Aubrey leaned into her mom. She was asking for a hug. Greta obliged.

  Aubrey’s last words carried extra significance for Greta. She was becoming surer, as the seconds passed, she overplayed her hand. There was only one thing she could do at this point. “Let’s get you home for now. We’ll get everything sorted in the morning.” Greta led Aubrey toward the parking area where their SUV was parked.

  “You promise, mom?”

  “Have I ever steered you wrong before?” Greta wanted to know.

  “Never.” Aubrey admitted.

  “Besides, tomorrow is Christmas. You and I both need to trust in its Magic.” Greta said it for herself as much as she said it for Aubrey.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Aubrey woke with no help from the sun. It was hidden behind the clouds which delivered the fresh Christmas snow Kyle predicted the night before. She lay in bed staring at the ceiling for several minutes before she could think about swinging her feet to the floor. Thoughts of how wonderful and awful this Christmas had been blanketed her mind. It was equal measures of both. The kind of Christmas no one would want and everyone would want.

  At last she swung her feet to the floor and inserted them in her slippers. Then she made her way to the window to examine the snowstorm. It looked like it started snowing shortly after she went to sleep and kept going all night at a brisk pace. At least six new inches coated the world outside her window. She smiled at the sight of it because it reminded her of her dad. He would have been so happy to see it. He really did love to see it snow on Christmas. It was like he was up there in heaven making this happen so his family would remember him fondly on his favorite holiday.

  She knew if it were in his power to make it snow from heaven, he would do it. He always thought of everyone else first—exactly the way Kyle did. She enjoyed the convergence of Kyle and her dad in her brain. They were similar in so many ways. They both loved others more than they loved themselves, and they both loved Christmas more than any other day of the year. How likely was it that the one thing caused the other?

  Aubrey heard her mom downstairs. She imagined she was getting materials together to make her breakfast again. She wasn’t ready to face other people just yet, even if other people, in this case, would only be her mom. She drew the chair in her room up as close to the window as she could get it. She felt cold air seeping around the windowpanes, so she went to her suitcase and grabbed a sweater. With this on underneath her robe, she sat down in the chair to stare at the gently falling snow.

  She followed individual flakes from the moment they passed by the tree branch outside her window all the way down until she lost them in the accumulation of flakes that covered the ground. Something in the process felt cathartic to her, like it was a metaphor for life on this planet. How we tried to single out one person to love with a knowledge that ran wild in our heart and deepened over time. Until, of course, we lost that person in the accumulation of so many others. Perhaps, Aubrey thought, we were all destined to be alone.

  Worse yet, maybe we were better off alone. Aubrey had this thought as she looked closeup at the mess she made of her life the minute she ripped the bandage away from the twelve-year-old wounds which covered her heart. It would have been so much better if her mom had picked her up in Charlottesville. She would be so much happier right now if she had not seen Kyle at all this Christmas.

  A tear slipped from one of Aubrey’s eyes and slid down her cheek. She didn’t believe anything she was saying. It was all nonsense. The only thing she could blame Kyle for was switching her emotions back on. Sure, the fact he had done that meant she was hurting, but he gave her back the possibility of hurt’s opposite—love. There was no blame in reminding someone how to love. That was the most precious Christmas gift of all.

  Besides, he had also given her Rachel, Jenna, Eric, and Mr. Clarke. If not for Kyle, she would have gone through with her plan to try and steal Mr. Clarke’s company. A decision she would have regretted for years. Beyond that, his awakening of her caused her to end her engagement to Walter. That was a decision she knew, if she had gone through with it, she would have regretted the rest of her life.

  As her eyes took in the beauty of the swiftly falling flakes, Aubrey’s mind circled over the idea of giving peace to her spirit. She would have to see Kyle again, that much was certain. He had been unable to give her what she needed, so she would not back down. There would be no happy ending for her and Kyle, but that did not mean she didn’t have many things to thank him for. It also didn’t mean they couldn’t be friends. She hoped he would accept her friendship if that’s all she was able to give.

  A last ripple of sadness radiated through her. She wanted more than friendship. She wanted to have that kiss they almost shared at least three times since he picked her up at the airport. Aubrey shook her head at herself. She was strong. She could resist that kiss. She had to resist. If she gave in to Kyle without knowing why he left her the first time, the memory of the feeling of losing him would eat at her through all the time she spent with him in the new relationship. She would forever be waiting for
the rug to be ripped out from under her again.

  Aubrey stood up quickly. It was time to derail this train of thought before she went off the tracks. Nothing had kept her from her goals for the last twelve years. She would regroup and come back better than ever. If she stayed in this bedroom any longer, she was afraid she would dissolve into a heap of self-pity. She remembered what her dad always said when that topic came up, ‘self-pity is an excuse disguised as a reason’.

  That made her smile. It gave her purpose. She was here to help her mom get through the first Christmas without her dad. It was time she went downstairs and did just that. As she was about to leave her room, her eyes landed on the Countdown to Christmas Calendar on top of her dresser. She would start with that calendar. It would be her first act this Christmas. She played with the presents underneath the tree until they said there were ‘00 Days ‘til Christmas’. Aubrey then left her room determined to be there for her mother if nothing else.

  Aubrey found her sitting in the recliner by the fireplace in the living room. She walked over and gave her mom a big hug.

  “Merry Christmas,” Greta said.

  “Merry Christmas, mom.” Aubrey replied.

  “Santa came.”

  Aubrey laughed out loud. It was just the thing her heart needed. She knew as soon as the laugh passed her lips, she would be okay. It might take her a while to recover from all she experienced this Christmas but, eventually, she would be fine. “You’re so silly, mom.”

  “Shall we eat first, or have presents first?” Greta asked.

  Aubrey took a seat on the hearth. “I don’t feel like I’m up to either one yet. Maybe we can just sit here for a few minutes.”

  Greta sighed. Anyone who wasn’t feeling as bad as Aubrey was feeling would have noticed she had something on her mind. “For a few minutes, that works.” Greta said, noncommittally.