Chasing Hope

by Dana Wayne

  A light tapping on her window jerked her away from a meltdown. Heart racing, she blinked several times before Big John’s face came into view.

  He was bent nearly double to look in the window. “Miss Sky? Are you all right?”

  She lowered the window and struggled to keep her voice even. “Evening John.”

  “Ever’ thing, okay?”

  “I’m fine. Really. Just…” Just sitting here, all alone in the dark feeling sorry for myself when I don’t even know if I have anything to feel sorry about even though the man I’m crazy about is this moment holding another woman in his arms. Yep. That ’bout sums it up.

  He grunted as he squatted down beside the car door, one hand resting on the bottom of the window. “I’m a good listener.”

  Intense blue eyes locked with hers. He would understand. How she knew that, she couldn’t explain, but she knew he would. Still, she fought the instinctive urge to unload her troubles. “Thank you, John. I appreciate it. I do. But, well, I just have some stuff to work out.”

  He looked around the darkened alley. “This ain’t a good place to do that, ma’am.”

  “You’re right, of course. I should get home.”

  Neither made a move to go.

  John ducked his head, then looked up, his eyes once more fixed on hers. “I know I got no right to say this, Miss Sky, but you and that little girl of yours are like family to me.” He paused, then continued. “So is Max. And regardless of what you may think right now, that boy cares about y’all.”

  “I—”

  “He’s been through hell and lived to tell about it.” He shook his head slightly. “I never thought I’d see him smile again. Not till you and Maddie come along.”

  “There’s stuff —”

  “Cade’s making sure ever ‘one knows about the boy.”

  She shouldn’t have been surprised by this, but she was. “He didn’t waste any time.”

  He nodded. “Saw him at the store earlier. Told me the boy’s mama is coming tomorrow.”

  “She’s already here.” Even she heard the desperation in her words. “She’s at his house right now.”

  “Well, guess that explains why you’re out here.”

  “Yeah.” What else was there to say? She rubbed cold hands over the steering wheel, then clasped them in her lap. “I had to take Maddie’s inhaler to her at Janet’s. I saw Logan storm out as I was leaving.” And saw Max embrace her like a long-lost lover. She shook her head to dispel that line of thought.

  “He came in here a while ago,” offered John. “Didn’t stay long.”

  Despite all the ramifications his presence meant to her, she couldn’t help but feel sorry for Logan. “Poor kid.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Max isn’t his father.” Immediately, she regretted her words. She had no right to discuss that with anyone, but the need to defend him was strong.

  “I know. Max wouldn’t shirk that kind of responsibility.” He paused, then looked up at her. “I’d be glad to buy you a cup of coffee, Miss Sky.”

  Her first instinct was to refuse, but she bit it back. “I’d like that.”

  A few minutes later, they sat opposite each other in a booth, nursing steaming mugs of hot coffee and chatting with various people in the diner.

  “Hey, John,” called a patron across the room, “Got a minute? I need to ask you about some work I’d like done.”

  He looked at Sky.

  “Go ahead.”

  As soon as he got up, Billy Ray Thomas left his seat at the counter and took John’s place. “Now I see why you would never go out with me,” he teased. “You had eyes for that old coot.”

  “What can I say?” she quipped. “I like beards.”

  “I thought you and Max had a date tonight?”

  The smile faltered. “Something came up.”

  Hazel eyes, gleaming with interest, clearly assessed her. “Must’ve been pretty important. He’s been looking forward to it all day.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “You forget how small towns operate.” He chuckled and held up one hand, ticking off fingers as he talked. “Maddie told Gail Brown.” He touched another finger. “She told her sister Mavis who works at the bank, and she told Edith at Jenson realty.”

  She smothered a smile. “Biggest gossip in the county.”

  “Yep.” He dusted his hands together, then clasped them in front of him. “And the rest is history.” He paused. “Plus, I saw him at the auto parts store earlier. He sure looked happy to me. Wanna talk about it?”

  “Not really.”

  He ducked his head, then glanced back up at her. “I saw Edith at the gas station. Cade told her about Max’s visitor, too.”

  She huffed out a breath and sat back in the booth.

  “Which I guess explains why you’re sitting here with John looking like someone just kicked your dog.”

  Before she could reply, he continued. “I’d be happy to fill in, you know.”

  There was no mistaking the open invitation in those smoldering depths, and for a moment, she was stunned into silence. “Bill, I—”

  In the blink of an eye, the come-on persona was replaced by the flirty affectation she was comfortable with. “I might have to put you on a waiting list, though.” He winked and smiled. “But I will move you to the top.”

  His throaty laugh was contagious, and she found herself joining in the gaiety. It had been a while since she really laughed, and she found it cathartic.

  They were still laughing when the bell above the front door jangled announcing a new arrival.

  The smile froze on Bill’s face, and his eyes widened. “Things are about to get interesting.”

  She started to twist around to see what sparked that comment, but he stopped her by putting both his hands on one of hers.

  “Max just walked in. I’m guessing the woman with him is the reason you’re here.”

  Dammit!

  Max struggled to keep his emotions in check as he watched Sky back out of the drive. The look on her face when she glanced up and saw Anna in his arms was forever burned in his brain. Just when he thought he’d escaped the cesspool that defined his world, he found himself neck deep in the muck again.

  The first inkling of the approaching panic attack surprised him. It had been a while since the last one. A tingling in his left hand, quickly spreading to his right, then up both arms. Sweat broke out on his brow and upper lip, and his heart rate jumped. Oh God. Not now.

  Embrace the suck, Marine. Persevere. Adapt. Overcome. He closed his eyes and slowly sucked in a deep breath. Breathe in, count to four, breathe out. He repeated his mantra again. Embrace the suck. Persevere. Adapt. Overcome. Breathe in, count to four, breathe out.

  More of Doctor Bellamy’s instructions made their way through the fog. “Focus on something else. Some other emotion. Anything other than the panic or anxiety.”

  Out of the blue, Maddie’s face came to mind as she looked at him and said, “anytime you are sad, just tell us, and we’ll make it all better again because we love you.”

  He focused on her sweet smile, the absolute trust in her all-too-seeing azure orbs and took another breath, letting it out slowly. Then another. And another. Gradually, the panic subsided enough for him to regain a measure of control. Thanks to my seven-year-old guardian angel, he thought.

  If Anna had any suspicion of his discomfort, she gave no indication as she pulled away slightly and flicked away tears with her index fingers. “I’m—I’m so sorry.” She waved one hand in a circle. “About all this.”

  Still shaky from the near panic attack, he didn’t know what to say, so he opted for a non-committal shrug and a dash of truth. “It was bound to happen sooner or later, Annie.”

  She took a step back and braced one hand on the chair she recently vacated, a feeble attempt at a smile edged up one corner of her mouth. “You’re the only one who ever called me Annie.” She pulled in a ragged breath. “It’s good to see you again, Max. It’
s been a long time.”

  He nodded toward the table and chairs. “Let’s sit.”

  Max took a chair across from her and folded his hands on top of the table, grateful they were now steady.

  She ducked her head, slender fingers laced together so tightly her knuckles were white. “I’m so sorry he got you involved in our problems.” She laced and unlaced her fingers, then met his gaze. “Did you tell him anything?”

  “Not my place.”

  She nodded but remained silent.

  “He’s still in town,” said Max.

  “I know.”

  “He knows Logan is here.”

  Her head jerked up, and fear flashed in the depths of her eyes.

  “He’s taking great relish in feeding the rumor mill.” He clenched his jaw, anger making his voice harsh, but she had to know the facts. “His version is that I’m the father and left town to avoid manning up.”

  She sunk down in her chair like a balloon with a slow leak. “Oh no.” Unnerved eyes connected with his. “It’s all my fault. I’m so sorry, Max.”

  He wanted to agree but knew that wasn’t true. Takes two to tango. “Cade shares responsibility in this, too.”

  “I thought he’d grow out of his dislike for you. Or at least grow up.”

  “Guys like him rarely do.”

  “I never thanked you for what you did.” One red-tipped nail made circles on the table. “Trying to talk to Cade, I mean.”

  He gave a non-committal shrug. “No big deal.”

  “It was to me.” This time the smile was genuine and reached her eyes. “My knight in shining armor to the rescue again.”

  “For all the good it did.”

  “Well, he did get the ass kicking he deserved.”

  Max grunted. Ancient history.

  “He called me the day before you left town.”

  This was news to him, and he jerked upright.

  “He said if I knew what was good for me, I’d keep my allegations to myself.”

  “He threatened you?” It took tremendous effort not to shout. “And you didn’t tell me?”

  She pulled at a thread on the hem of the coat in front of her. “I knew he was bluffing. Besides, I had no intention of staying around at that point and told him so.” She sighed and looked at him again, her gaze open and assessing. “I often wondered what might have happened had I taken you up on the marriage thing.”

  He shook his head slowly. “We both know that would have been a mistake.”

  “Why?”

  “Aside from the fact that we were kids ourselves,” he said firmly, “we didn’t love each other. Not in that way.”

  “Well, with the hindsight of adulthood,” she said softly, “I can’t help but think it might have worked.” She paused. “You’d make a great father.”

  Uncomfortable with her train of thought, he changed the subject. “Have you lived in Dallas since you left here?”

  She watched his face closely, then nodded. “Yeah.” She leaned back in the chair. “The money you sent helped me get set up in a small apartment.”

  “Your folks?”

  “Logan is their only grandchild. They helped out until I was able to go to work.” She straightened, then tugged on that thread again. “They moved to Frisco when he was four.”

  “You never married.” It was more statement than question.

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  Both shoulders rose as she sighed. “I dated some, but most weren’t interested in a ready-made family.” She looked up, emerald eyes probing his. “What about you?”

  He shook his head and changed topics. “What do you do? I mean, your job?”

  “I work at a bank in North Dallas.” She gave a timid smile. “Made vice president two weeks ago.”

  “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks.”

  Max broke the extended silence. “Why Logan?”

  She rested her chin on her palm. “It reminded me of you.” Her voice grew soft and reflective. “The only good thing that ever happened to me here.”

  Another uneasy silence ensued.

  “Did they think it was me? Is that why they wouldn’t let me see you back then?”

  “Maybe. I don’t know. I told them it wasn’t you all along, but I don’t think they believed me. When you left so abruptly…I finally told Mom several years ago. I don’t know if she told Dad or not. As far as they’re concerned, his father is dead.”

  “Why didn’t you push it? Make him take a test or something? The Jacksons had the money to support him.”

  “Cade knew, Max. He knew and denied it.” Her face turned scarlet. “He told me I wasn’t the first piece of tail to try and tie him down.”

  All the old anger and resentment came boiling back to the surface in a heartbeat. “I’ll kill him.”

  She reached across the table and took his clenched fist between her hands. “No. You won’t because he’s not worth it. It took me a long time to realize that, but I did. Now I don’t want him anywhere near my son.”

  Max took a couple of deep breaths before he could speak. “Cade is already deflecting this away from himself, just like always, putting his own spin on things.”

  She sat back in the chair and picked at that damn loose thread again.

  He wondered if the hem would survive after all this was done.

  She glanced around the kitchen. “It’s getting late. I need to find a place to stay.” She stood and gathered her things. “I’m sorry you got caught in the middle of this. I truly am.”

  “There’s a couple of motels in town.” He rattled off the names. “It’s the weekend, so better call and see if they have any vacancies.”

  She pulled out her phone and looked up the numbers. “Thanks.”

  Max hurried to the bathroom while she placed the call, just to put some distance between them. The thought occurred to him she might want to pick things up where they left off, maybe take it further this time. Maybe he read too much into her actions just now. He hoped so. He still cared about her, of course. As a friend. Nothing more. His heart belonged to Sky.

  He shut the door and splashed his face with cold water, then canvassed his reflection with candor. Fear, stark and vivid, glittered in the eyes staring back at him. Fear? Of what? Losing something he never had in the first place? Or fear Sky would turn her back on him like everyone else in his life he cared about?

  “Embrace the suck.” His mind a crazy mixture of hope, fear, and resignation, he pulled out his phone and dialed Sky’s number. After five rings, her answering machine picked up. Several seconds passed as a cold knot of anxiety formed in his stomach. He hadn’t checked to see if her car was back. What if she knew it was him and didn’t answer? What if something was wrong with Maddie? What if that scene in the kitchen killed any chance he had?

  Mouth bone dry, it took two attempts to get past the tightness in his throat and find his voice. Uncertainty rang in every drawn-out word. “Hey… It’s me…Max. I’m helping her find a place to —” The machine cut off before he finished. “Great. Just effing great.” He ended the call and crammed the phone back in his pocket. He knew she had a cell phone but had not asked for the number. And she hadn’t volunteered it, so had no other way to contact her.

  His mood see-sawed back and forth from cliff-jumping despair to blazing anger as mumbled curses filled the small room. He wanted to hit something. Hard. Anything to release the tension building inside him like a volcano on the verge of eruption.

  “No,” he whispered to the tortured man in the mirror. “I won’t let it in. I am stronger than the anger. I won’t let it in.”

  Two deep breaths later, followed by another splash of cold water, and he was himself again. He walked back to the kitchen to find Anna sitting at the table.

  “The one near the interstate was full. The other one only had one room with a single bed. Told him I’d be there shortly.” She didn’t look at him as she continued. “I called his cell, but it went to voice
mail.”

  “Give me his number. I’ll call and tell him he can stay here tonight.”

  Her head jerked up.

  “You said there’s only one bed. He can sleep on the couch again.” He casually glanced out the window and saw Sky’s car wasn’t there. Concern for Maddie made his voice sharp. “He needs to cool off.”

  She flinched but said nothing.

  He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Have you eaten anything?”

  She stared a moment, then shook her head. “I got some coffee from your friend at the diner. Planned to take Logan out for dinner later, but…”

  “My friend?”

  “The pretty girl at the diner. She said y’all were friends and that she lived next door.” She nodded toward Sky’s house.

  “We had a date tonight.” Why the hell did he tell her that?

  Her face turned a brilliant shade of red. “Oh, no. I ruined it, didn’t I?” She rose and stood in front of him. “Max…” She reached out and touched his arm. “Once again, all I can say is I’m sorry.”

  He stepped away, effectively brushing off the hand on his arm. “Why don’t you follow me to the diner. You can get something to eat, and I’ll give you directions to the motel. It’s nothing fancy but will do for tonight.”

  She hesitated only briefly before nodding in agreement, then turned in silence and grabbed her things from the table.

  Neither spoke as they walked outside.

  Ten minutes later, they walked into the diner.

  His heart gave a painful jerk when he spotted Billy Ray.

  Holding hands with Sky.

  Max glanced around the conspicuously silent diner.

  The collective group cast furtive glances between him, Anna, and Sky and waited for the other shoe to drop.

  Sonofabitch.

  His jaw tightened, and he ushered Anna toward the booth where Sky sat with Billy Ray. Her expression revealed nothing, which scared the hell out of him. She should be angry at least, hurt even, yet her countenance showed none of that.

  Before he could take two steps, Big John clamped a huge paw on his shoulder. “Y’all are late,” he boomed loud enough to be heard in the kitchen. “We were going to order without you.”