City Girls Don't Camp

by Kamaryn Kelsey

  "Amanda," she whispered. "Did you hear that sound?"

  Amanda shrugged and took another sip. "It's probably the tires disintegrating."

  Sady listened and shook her head. "I don't think so. It sounds like it's coming from the cupboard over there." She pointed to the kitchen and looked at Amanda with a raised brow. "Should we look?"

  Amanda snorted and headed to the cabinet. She yanked it open, then jumped back. She and Sady both screamed when something furry jumped out and raced around the RV. The women ran for the door, not bothering to close it behind them.

  Down the road, at the Knight's campsite, Matt heard the screams. He looked up and grinned at the sight of slender Sady and round Amanda racing down the road. "Hey," he called to Harry and CJ. "You have to come see this. We're about to be over-run by the binary system; 1, 0."

  "Problems, ladies?" Matt asked.

  "There's something living in that thing," Sady replied breathlessly.

  "It lunged out of a cabinet and tried to bite my face," Amanda added.

  "Tried?" Matt asked.

  "It's not funny, Blue Eyes! I forgot my bottle and someone, not me or Sady, is going to retrieve it for me. Along with all the rest of my things," Amanda retorted.

  "What did it look like?" Harry asked, concerned.

  "It was big," Amanda told him.

  "And furry," Sady added.

  "And fast."

  "With enormous teeth."

  Harry grinned at Matt. "Sounds ferocious. Shall we go see what's terrorizing the RV?" Matt waved at CJ, then he and Harry walked to the RV.

  "Don't forget my stuff," Amanda called after them.

  A few minutes later the men returned, carrying Amanda's bags.

  "Where's the bottle?" she asked.

  Matt raised a brow. "Don't you want to know what we found in the RV?"

  Amanda gave a snort. "I know what you found in the RV. The same thing I found- a disaster. Now give me the bottle!"

  "I want to know," Sady said. "Was it a rabid raccoon?"

  The men grinned at each other. "It was a chipmunk, ladies. She's apparently made that cabinet her home, because she has a nest there."

  "Well, I'm not spending the night with a chipmunk," Amanda stated. "As far as I'm concerned it can have the whole place, because I'm not staying there."

  "Considering the condition of the RV I think that's wise," Harry said. "You can thank my beautiful wife for including extra gear for you ladies."

  CJ grinned and tossed them a bag. "What's that?" Amanda asked, her eyes narrowed.

  "It's your sleeping quarters," CJ said. "You can have your choice of campsites. Just remember to pick one that's within a reasonable distance of the toilet."

  Sady and Amanda gaped at each other in dismay. A tent and the vault toilet? CJ tossed a few other items into a pile. "Sleeping bags and sleeping mats."

  "You got one of those blow up air beds?" Amanda asked. "Like a big thick one that keeps itself inflated?" At CJ's scornful wave she said, "Yeah, I figured."

  With a sigh Sady picked up the tent bag and looked around the park. "Where's the bathroom?" she asked. CJ pointed and Sady dragged the tent in that direction.

  "Hey, Amanda," she called a minute later. "What do you think about this spot?"

  "She doesn't seriously expect me to answer that, does she?" Amanda muttered. "That spot is like all the others as far as I can tell. With a whole dozen to choose from they are all the same. As long as we're not next to the family festival I don't care!"

  "She likes it," Matt yelled to Sady.

  "Okay," came the reply. They heard the sound of the tent bag being emptied onto the ground.

  "Aren't you going to help set up your home for the next week?" Matt prodded Amanda.

  She lifted her bottle. "I'm crawling inside this bottle and drinking my way out. That's my home for the next week. The rest of you are on your own."

  "Maybe we should give Sady a hand," Harry suggested to Matt. They found her sprawled on the ground, on top of the tent trying to push a tent pole into the slot.

  "I think it's broken," she told Harry. "It doesn't fit. Can CJ get her money back?"

  With a smile Harry pulled her to her feet and set her to the side. Within minutes he and Matt assembled the tent.

  "And it fits back into that bag when you're done with it?" Sady asked.

  "Think of it as packing for a two-week vacation and you're only allowed to take one small bag," Harry said. "You make it fit. Since you and Amanda aren't campers CJ and I will take care of the food and cooking at our site. You'll have to help clean up though."

  CJ arrived with a tote and she set it outside the tent. Amanda trailed behind her, still holding her bottle. Sady opened the tub. It contained a flashlight, extra batteries, mosquito spray, sunblock, toilet paper, hand sanitizer, rain ponchos, and a bunch of other necessary items. Sady jumped up and hugged CJ, who looked uncomfortable.

  "Pass her over here," Matt suggested. Sady ran to hug him and thank him for putting up the tent. Then she ran to Harry, and finally Amanda.

  "What's that for?" Amanda asked.

  "Because you tried. It's not your fault they sent that munk-mobile. We can still have fun," she smiled, hoping to cheer up Amanda.

  Amanda held up her bottle and looked at the level of liquid. "Give me another hour, then we'll talk about fun." She sat down at the picnic table and jumped with a yelp. "That's another thing I didn't mention- slivers! Hey, Stubbles, you wanna help me out here?"

  "No. The only thing I'd like to help you out of is the state."

  "He's still crabby," Amanda told Sady. "It only goes downhill. Where are we supposed to shower?" she asked.

  CJ frowned. "Didn't you pack from the list?"

  "I don't know. I'd have to see the list again," Amanda replied.

  "NO showers, Amanda. We bathe in the lake and you have to use the Eco-friendly products I put in your tote."

  "Excuse me- did you say the lake? Do you know what lake water's gonna do to my hair?" Amanda asked.

  "I'm more worried about the lake," Matt mumbled, earning a grim look from Amanda.

  "You'll live," CJ said with no sympathy. "Now you girls better get busy setting up before it gets dark." Sady and Amanda looked at each other again.

  "Can you give us a hint?" Sady asked. "What does 'set up' mean?"

  "It refers to the position we're in," Amanda snorted.

  "Come on, Matt," Harry told him. "If we leave it to them, it will never get done."

  "Suckers," CJ remarked as she walked back to her site. Harry and Matt helped Sady set up camp while Amanda watched.

  "So that's it, we're done?" Sady asked.

  "I wish," Amanda mumbled. "Now we have to live in it. What I want to know is why? Who decided this was fun? Even cavemen had better accommodations!"

  "They didn't have pads and sleeping bags, Amanda," Harry said. "So if you're looking for a true caveman experience I can take those back."

  "You touch those and I'll drown you in the lake, Handsome. Now what do you have cooking over there for us? Because I'm getting hungry after all my hard work!"

  "Camp supper," Harry grinned.

  "What's that mean?" Sady whispered to Matt.

  "Beans and hot dogs," he replied.

  "Are you kidding me?" Amanda huffed. "No offense, Sady, but beans don't settle good on anyone! That's just adding insult to this whole demeaning experience."

  Sady patted Matt's hand. "Eat a lot of beans and maybe you won't need any more travel tips."

  "You got air freshener in that tote?" Amanda asked Harry. "Because I don't sleep with open tent flaps and we're gonna need something to get through the night!"

  "Oh, come on, Amanda. Haven't you ever heard the rhyme that goes, Beans, beans, the musical fruit...?" Matt asked.

  "Oh, I heard it plenty of times... and smelled it. Just not the version you're telling," Amanda said. She grabbed Sady's arm and said, "We might as well get the first night in hell over with. Come on!"

 
; Chapter 4

  After eating then washing the dishes Sady whispered to Amanda. "I've got to use the bathroom but I'm afraid to go by myself. I've heard of people falling in and dying in those things!"

  Amanda grabbed her arm. "We'll be back," she announced. "Sady and I are checking out the facilities." They took hand sanitizer and the TP from their site before heading to the vault toilet.

  "Oh, my God! I can smell it from here," Amanda groaned. They cautiously approached the small buildings. "That's the same fly I saw standing on the serving spoon," Amanda told Sady. "I'm pretty sure that one picked up a bean before he flew off. We're all going to get dysentery."

  Sady opened the door and grimaced at Amanda. "It's worse inside," she hissed. "What should we do?"

  "I'd suggest answering nature's call in the natural surroundings," Amanda said. "Except the mosquitoes, spiders, and flies will kill you quicker than the air in there. Just go fast because the insects down the hole will bite your butt." Sady looked scared.

  "And don't forget to cover the seat," she yelled after Sady.

  When Sady came out she said, "Well, they don't have to worry about people taking too long in those things, that's for sure. I wish I could say that was the last time I needed it. Amanda, we have to use it for the whole time we're here!" she wailed.

  "Stop threatening me," Amanda warned as she took her turn. She nearly kicked off the door in her haste to exit. "Just run, Sady, and pray we aren't permanently saturated with that odor!" At their campsite they liberally used the hand sanitizer again.

  "I think we need that menthol-latum to put under our noses," Amanda suggested. It was getting dark, and the Knights strolled by.

  CJ yelled at one of the young boys who nearly knocked her over on his bike. The little brat yelled back at CJ, “Watch where you're going, granny!” CJ's eyes narrowed and Harry reminded her of their job.

  "Don't fall in," Amanda said sarcastically.

  "We're taking a walk," Harry said. CJ held up the night vision goggles and grinned.

  "We're stalking a poacher. Have a good night, ladies," she said.

  "What's she so happy about?" Sady asked.

  "She probably hasn't walked past the methane leak yet," Amanda replied. "There can be no other explanation."

  Matt showed up with a deck of cards. "You girls want to play?"

  "What did you have in mind?" Sady asked.

  "Strip poker?" he suggested with a grin.

  Amanda snorted. "I always win, but depending on who else is in the game I sometimes consider that losing. And with you in the game, either way it's a losing situation," she scoffed.

  "Gin rummy?" he offered. The women looked at each other and nodded.

  They played inside the tent, using an electric lantern for light. Amanda pulled out a bag of cookies and Matt frowned. "Didn't you read CJ's instructions?" he asked.

  "Of course I did," Amanda lied. "Now be nice or you don't get any cookies."

  It was well past sunset, and the Knights were still gone. Matt called it a night and pulled out his flashlight to walk to his site. "See you in the morning," he said cheerfully.

  "Oh, shut up," Amanda snapped as she pushed him out of the tent. She and Sady used bottled water to brush their teeth and laid down on the sleeping bags.

  After a half hour Sady asked, "Amanda, can you sleep?"

  "Yes, just not here! It sounds like a jungle out there. I need engines and sirens to soothe me to sleep. The whole nature experience makes me want to kill someone."

  Sady giggled. "Me too!" She heard a rustling and Amanda turned on a flashlight. She handed Sady a cup of booze and kept the bottle for herself.

  "See if that helps. Just don't drink so much you gotta pee. Because I'm not stepping out of this tent until I can see where I'm going and what's walking beside me! I don't need no Yogi Bear looking for my picnic basket," she said.

  "You got any more of those cookies?" Sady asked. The package landed next to her. "Thanks," she whispered.

  Sady didn't know what time it was when she heard twigs snapping outside the tent. "Who's there?" she asked. No one responded, and the noises ceased. Sady snuggled deeper into her sleeping bag. Amanda was wrong about one thing. It wasn't hot in the tent- it was cold. Sady bet if she turned on a light she'd see her breath. Brr!

  She stumbled out of her tent in the morning, wrapped in her sleeping bag. Amanda was still sleeping, so the booze must have worked for her. Sady shivered her way to the Knight's campsite. Harry, bless his heart, already brewed a pot of coffee. He stepped out of the tent with a smile. "Should I pour?" he grinned. Sady nodded, teeth chattering. She hugged the mug for as long as she could, then the natural need for caffeine took over and she drank it.

  "Where's CJ?" she asked.

  "She's at the lake having a bath," Harry told her.

  Sady's brows dropped. "What's the temperature of that lake?"

  "Brisk?" Harry offered.

  "Colder than Harry's mother on our wedding day," CJ said, making them jump. "You know it's true Harry, so quit looking offended and pour me a cup of coffee- please?"

  "How can I resist that?" Harry asked Sady. "My wife said please," he teased CJ, handing her a cup. She took it into the tent to change out of her wet bathing suit.

  "Give me a cup of coffee before I kill someone, Handsome," Amanda demanded in a grouchy voice. She stumbled into the camp and dropped into a chair.

  "That works too," Harry told Sady as he handed Amanda coffee.

  Matt appeared a few minutes later with wet hair. "I suppose you've been enjoying a brisk bath?" Sady asked sourly. He shook his head and sprayed her with water.

  "You girls like to sleep in, don't you?" he asked.

  "What time is it?" Amanda snarled.

  "7:30, and we've all been to the lake," Matt replied.

  "Well, congratulations, Mr. Seven Freaking Thirty," Amanda scowled. "Why are your lips blue?"

  "You don't want to know, Amanda," Sady warned. "The lake water is piped straight from the Arctic."

  "So when's it warm up to bathing temperature?" Amanda asked.

  Matt snorted. "About the third week in July... during a scorching summer."

  "And it's the end of August. Well, if that isn't just another nail in the coffin I don't know what is," Amanda complained. "How far is the lake?"

  “Not too far,” CJ said. “Only about a five-minute walk.”

  "A five minute... did you say walk?" Amanda demanded. CJ nodded with a grin.

  "Time to bury this coffin," Amanda said. "Because there can't be anything else that can go wrong. I am not leaving this spot until I get some sustenance for my hike to the lake. A girl could pass out from the lack of nutrition and over-exertion," she sniffed.

  Harry set a plate in front of her and she raised a brow. "What's this?" she asked.

  "Breakfast," he replied.

  "No, Handsome. Breakfast comes with several items on your plate and looks edible. Or it comes stacked on your plate loaded with butter and syrup. This doesn't even smell like food."

  "It's powdered scrambled eggs and toast," Harry explained patiently.

  "Yup- that's just what it looks like," Amanda snorted. "SOS. Don't you have any granola bars, or something with flavor?"

  "I can see how my luck is down at the lake and catch a fish if you want," Matt offered.

  "I'll eat the S-rations," she snapped.

  Sady didn't say anything, not wanting to hurt Harry's feelings. "Did you bring any breakfast food?" Sady whispered to Amanda. The look on Amanda's face gave her the answer, so they ate.

  "Thank you, Harry," Sady said politely. "I've never tasted anything like it."

  "And I hope I never will again," Amanda mumbled under her breath.

  "Is it our turn to do dishes?" Sady asked. Amanda smacked her on the arm.

  "We already worked- getting that breakfast down. Let Stubbles have a turn while we go catch pneumonia. Which way is the lake?" she asked.

  "The sign and arrow that says 'To the Beach
' might be helpful," CJ suggested in a tone of irony. "Remember to use the Eco-friendly soap in your tote."

  "Yeah, we wouldn't dream of using anything else," Amanda said with an eye roll. "Come on, Sady. I hope you're keeping track of all these little gems for the next time we camp," she added sarcastically.

  When the women left, Matt asked Harry about their scouting trip.

  "We found a few illegal traps, but nothing in them. We took pictures and sent them to the DNR," he replied. "After breakfast we're going out to see if we can find anything else. There're extra binoculars and cameras with zoom lenses. Would you like to take Sady and Amanda and go in a different direction?"

  "No, not really," Matt replied frankly.

  "Let me put it to you this way," CJ said. "You take Sady and Amanda in a different direction."

  "Since you asked so nice, CJ, how can I say no?" Matt asked. "Maybe those two will get lost on the way to the lake. You do the dishes and I'll just go check on them. And where was that camera, Harry?"

  CJ shook her head and pushed him out of the campsite. "You can have the camera after the women are back and fully clothed. Now go make sure they didn't do something stupid like sneak chemicals to the lake for bathing."

  Matt got to the lake not long after Sady and Amanda. He didn't need to worry about them staying in the water any longer than necessary. He laughed as they blasted from the lake. "You two just set a speed record for bathing."

  "Why are you here?" Amanda asked. "You enjoy watching others in pain, don't you? I bet when you were a kid you pulled the wings off butterflies just for fun," she stuttered. She and Sady shivered with cold, despite the large beach towels they wrapped in.

  "Just enjoying the show," he teased. Sady hopped from one foot to the other, trying to get her blood circulating. "You two better get dressed," he warned.

  "You think, professor?" Amanda snapped. She looked at Sady and asked, "What's that brown thing on your leg?"

  Sady's eyes got enormous, and she stared at Matt. "Please tell me she's kidding." He shook his head, and she bent over to look. She stared for about three seconds, then she screamed at the top of her lungs, "Get it off!" She shook her leg and looked for a stick to pry it off.