It was easy to brush my other hand lower, to settle it against Maria’s hip so I could tug her in tighter against my body. She was soft in all the right places, fitting against me so perfectly. The kiss intensified, our tongues meeting in a dance just like our bodies had when we’d learned to salsa.
I could feel heat prickling everywhere. Passion cruised through me so fast that I could barely remember to breathe. My hand tightened against Maria. In an easy move, I pulled her into my lap. The kiss, if anything, deepened.
She gasped against my lips. The sound seemed to break something apart in my chest, releasing a torrent of emotion. Before I could get control of it, Maria’s fingers threaded through my hair. She tipped my head back, nibbling on my lower lip like she couldn’t get enough of the taste of me.
I couldn’t get enough of her, either. I spread my hands over her, one spanning her hip and the other cradling her chin. She rocked against me, delicious friction igniting something in me that rarely saw the light of day.
Kissing her back felt like the most natural thing in the world. Her lips against mine, our tongues playing against each other. Her body radiated heat. Mine welcomed it like it was starved of touch. The hand that had cupped Maria’s face slid down her back and to her ass.
I gave it a squeeze. She honest-to-God moaned into the kiss. That sound went straight to my cock. I rocked upwards, seeking out more of her. I wanted to feel her, to taste her, to everything her.
The feelings inside were like nothing I’d ever felt before. I wanted so much more of them. It was intoxicating. But it was also scary. Maria was... Maria was my best friend, I realized as my tongue swept over her lower lip. I couldn’t lose that to this.
So I pushed her back. Careful to lower her back down onto the couch.
“I’m sorry,” I said, my breath still caught in my throat. “I shouldn’t have done that.” I really, really shouldn’t have. She was my friend. You didn’t go about kissing your friends!
I watched as the hand that had rested against my chest reached up like Maria wanted to put it right back where it belonged. Part of me wanted that, too. I shoved it down. If I pushed it far enough from the forefront of my mind, I could pretend that it didn’t exist. It had only been a moment of - I didn’t know what.
Shifting, I pulled back enough that Maria’s hand fell short. She frowned. It hurt to watch realization dawn over her face. I hated the moment she went from kiss-dazed to suddenly embarrassed. I had caused that. “It’s -” She paused, clearly at a loss.
Tipping her head to one side, she gave me a smile that looked about as genuine as a three dollar bill. “It’s fine. These things happen. But I should probably -” She paused again.
Leave, I heard her not say.
I didn’t want Maria to leave. Then again, what I wanted her to do was to crawl back in my lap and let me peel away the layers she was wearing until I could put my mouth against her skin. But that thought, too, I oppressed.
We were friends. And friends didn’t kiss like that. Or at all. Friends... spent time together and had a nice time. Maria was such a great friend. I couldn’t... I wouldn’t risk losing her friendship over my own libido.
“Yeah, okay.” I nodded even if I would rather she stayed. It was safer if Maria left. “Thank you for feeding me,” I added. “And for being here with me.” It dawned on me just how much easier the loss felt with her there.
And then I had fucked it all up by kissing her!
We had managed to move past more challenging things. I had faith that we could move past this, too.
There was definite awkwardness as I helped Maria with her coat, walking her to the door. We agreed to speak soon. That, too, felt a bit weird. Not because we wouldn’t but because we would probably proceed to ignore what had happened tonight.
It was for the best, I kept telling myself as I collapsed back on the couch.
Maria was my friend.
And if my house suddenly felt empty and lonely, well, that was just happenstance.
Chapter Fourteen
My head was spinning as I drove home. Lev had kissed me! I could still feel my lips tingling from the heat of his mouth against mine. His body had felt so good, hard and strong, and broad in all the right places. There was an ache deep in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t ignore. My body was disappointed that our kiss had been interrupted.
And my head? I didn’t know which way was up. Lev had kissed me. That had to mean something. But he’d also pulled away. Worse, his words still echoed in my mind. ‘I shouldn’t have done that’.
Why not? That was the question that plagued me as I went about my life as normal the following day. I was single. Lev was single. Yes, he still had his ex-girlfriend who depended on him, but they weren’t dating.
As far as I could see, there was no reason why we shouldn’t explore physical feelings for each other. I wanted to. I hadn’t expected Lev to kiss me, but I couldn’t pretend it had come completely as a surprise, either.
I remembered how good it had felt to dance with him. I could only imagine how good it would feel to let ourselves move further than kissing.
It wasn’t a topic I knew how to address over the phone. I made up my mind to bring it up next time we saw each other.
We didn’t meet up for over a week. Part of me wondered if Lev was avoiding me. He had away games, and of course he was busy training. The thought that he might not want to see me lodged in the back of my mind. Every time I returned to it, I flinched. Like a tongue touching a painful tooth.
I told myself that I was being ridiculous. Lev was busy. I was busy. We had always made time for each other; there was no reason to believe that was going to change now.
Relief still flooded me when Lev agreed to my suggestion that we spend an afternoon out on the lake.
“Do I get to see you in a life jacket?” I teased, as we headed towards the water. “Do you think they’ll have one big enough?”
Lev gave a soft chuckle. It pleased me that I could make him laugh. I couldn’t read his expression, but I figured that laughter was a good sign. “They probably will,” Lev decided. “I can’t be the only person wanting to go out on the late who’s got a broad chest.” And a broad everything else! But I didn’t say that.
When we got to the boat, it turned out that Lev was right. Or at least the life vests had adjustable straps. On the boat, we found comfy seats, and settled in as we waited for everyone else to get on board. Sitting down, I was much more able to see Lev’s face and whatever emotions might flicker across it.
“Do you like fishing?” Lev asked unexpectedly.
It was a weird question. And weirdly abrupt. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me, looking for any evidence of how Lev might have felt these last several days. I had to give Lev the benefit of the doubt.
“I’ve only ever fished from the shore,” I answered. “I didn’t see the appeal in sitting around, being quiet, waiting for the fish to bite. I wanted to be running and playing.” Maybe that said more about my personality than I realized. I still wasn’t very good at sitting quietly and being patient.
I shrugged. “I imagine it might be more exciting from a boat. Why? Do you like fishing?”
“It’s something my papa has always loved,” Lev explained. It was a good sign, that he wanted to tell me something about his parents. I already felt like I knew them from all the things Lev talked about. “When I was little, before I had to train all the way through the summers, he used to take me fishing,” he told me.
Leaning back into his seat, Lev looked around. “Mostly from a boat, but not like this. One with...” There he gesticulated, miming the action that oars made. I supplied the word and Lev nodded. “Yeah. A small boat with oars,” he repeated like he was tasting the word out.
“And then there’s ice fishing. A very Russian activity! I’ll have to take you,” Lev teased.
“It sounds cold,” I teased back. My mind jumped to ways that two people might help keep each other warm. Remembering
the heat that had surged through me when Lev pulled me close, I blushed.
He didn’t seem to notice. Lev’s gaze was fixed on the water as it rippled against the hull of the boat. I looked out over the vast expanse of the lake. “Dad used to like boats,” I admitted. “Not to fish from, really. But they used to have bumper boats.” I could tell my words were lost on Lev. “Like bumper cars at a fairground, but on the water. Mom and dad would take one boat, and Emily and I would take another.”
I grinned at the memory. I’d have to text Emily later to share it with her.
“Oh,” Lev said. “I think I’ve seen ones like that. Shaped as swans?” I could definitely picture what he was thinking so I gave a nod. “I don’t think papa would want to go fishing in a boat shaped like a swan,” Lev hummed. “But I would enjoy that. Especially seeing him in a swan.” That came with a small chuckle.
Turning to give me a smile, Lev carried on, “Where did you do that? On the lake here?” he asked, waving his hand at the lake.
I shook my head. “No, there was an amusement park nearer to my grandparents’ house.” I couldn’t remember the name of it, but the boats and other attractions were etched firmly into my mind. “I don’t think my mom would’ve let Emily and I out on a boat on our own on a big lake like this. One with real traffic.”
Mom wasn’t overly protective, but definitely more so than dad had been. After he died, she’d made a real effort to take us on the kinds of adventures that he would usually have suggested. I appreciated her enormously for that.
Thinking about my mom, and her insistence that I find my soulmate, I could feel the letters that sat above my ribcage almost like they were a physical weight.
“Do you think we should talk about what happened when I was at your house?” I asked. I knew the question was out of the blue, but surely that kiss had to be on Lev’s mind as much as it was on mine? “You said you shouldn’t have kissed me but… why not?”
Lev shifted like he was physically uncomfortable. He’d been perfectly fine when we’d talked about the boats and fishing. I knew it was me, what I’d said. That worried me. I held my breath. I knew what I wanted Lev’s answer to be. The longer it took him to respond, the more certain I was that it wouldn’t be that.
“We’re friends,” he answered finally. “I... it means a lot to me that we’re friends, Masha. You’re my best friend. That’s important.”
Emotion welled up inside me, tugging my heart first one way and then another. I hadn’t known I was Lev’s best friend. Hearing him say that I was made my heart bob jubilantly, like a boat on a rising tide. I wanted that. I wanted to be a good friend to him, to be there for him.
But I wanted more than that, too.
Lev’s words didn’t leave much room for uncertainty. We were friends. Just friends.
I still didn’t understand why. Why couldn’t we build on that foundation of friendship and work towards something even more special?
My fingers toyed with the straps of my life jacket. The silence between us thickened. The more solid it became, the harder it was to break.
“It means a lot to me too,” I forced out. I wanted to demand more answers. Better answers. I needed to know why we couldn’t be more than friends.
But hadn’t I promised Lev that I would respect his privacy? He was making it clear that he didn’t want to be with me. Despite the kiss. I wouldn’t force him to tell me.
Maybe he wasn’t attracted to me. Maybe the kiss had been just a misplaced outpouring of emotions. Was it fair to hold him to something that had happened right after he’d lost a match?
I pulled away. Not far, but far enough that I couldn’t feel the warmth that radiated off his body. “You’re right,” I forced myself to say. “We make good friends, don’t we?”
The way Lev’s whole face lit up almost made up for the turmoil I felt inside. He looked happy. That mattered a lot. If being just friends was how he wanted it, then I’d have to suppress whatever extra feelings might bubble up.
“We make excellent friends,” he confirmed.
Lev sounded so pleased, like being my friend meant the world to him. It was unfair of me to want more, especially when he’d made it so clear that he wasn’t interested in more. But... being Lev’s friend felt good; I couldn’t help the thoughts of how much better things might feel if we were more.
“We’re such good friends I won’t even take you fishing,” Lev teased.
I laughed. A genuine laugh, not one I forced to make myself feel better about the situation. Maybe Lev had a point. He was an excellent friend. One who could make me laugh even on a day that my heart was sinking in my chest.
Looking out across the lake, I told myself that would be enough.
“Then I suppose I should promise not to put you in a swan boat,” I teased back. The image of Lev’s massive frame in such a delicate little boat was enough to bring a smile to my face. I just might have to do it, promise or no promise.
Needing to talk about something else, I pointed out buildings that I recognized along the shore, trying to remember the history of when they had been built and why. Lev seemed interested. Or at least he pretended to be interested. I crowded my mind with other details, drinking in the light that glittered off the surface of the lake and the gentle motion of the boat as it chugged along.
It was almost enough for me to forget about how good Lev had felt against me. In a few more days, I’d have forgotten all about it. I could go back to being Lev’s friend without a single wayward thought to worry me. At least, that was what I told myself.
We had a nice day on the lake. I did my best to put aside any emotions other than simple pleasure in the company of a good friend. But when we parted, I felt unsettled. I had built up such sweet hopes of where the day might take me. And I’d been left with just the broken pieces of those dreams. I would build them into something different over time. But I needed someone to commiserate with me over what they wouldn’t become.
I called my sister. Like the brilliant person she was, she immediately offered to come over and cook me something. I hadn’t even told her what was wrong. But she could tell from my voice exactly what I needed.
“Thank you,” I offered, as soon as I let her in later that evening. It was just the two of us. Emily must have sensed that seeing her and Tanya be a perfect couple was not something that I could handle.
I didn’t quite know how to begin explaining. Luckily, Emily didn’t make me dive into it straight away. She took over the kitchen, giving me simple directions until everything was in the oven. All that was left was to wait. And to talk.
“Have you ever tried to be just friends with someone that you had feelings for?” I asked.
I could tell from Emily’s expression that she knew what I was talking about. Or rather, who I was talking about. I appreciated that Emily took her time to think of a response, even if that response wasn’t what I would’ve preferred to hear.
“No, I haven’t,” she said. “Before Tanya, I didn’t have feelings for anyone else.” I had known that, but I also hadn’t known how else I would’ve introduced this conversation. I wanted Emily to have a solution, to have a way to get rid of the feelings I had.
Leaning against the kitchen counter, Emily gave me a thoughtful look. “I’m going to guess this is about Lev?”
I nodded. I hadn’t mentioned Lev kissing me to Emily right after it had happened. Now, I was glad that I hadn’t. I knew there was nothing wrong about what I was feeling, but I still would have felt silly having to take it back now that Lev had made his opinion clear.
“He wants us to just be friends,” I said, my voice wavering over the words as a lump lodged in my throat. “But I don’t understand why.” It hurt to think that Lev didn’t feel that way about me. It brought back all the insecurities that my relationship with Vasily had introduced into my life. In some way, I wasn’t enough for Lev.
There was nothing I could do to make myself more. “There’s no point trying to change his mind.”
I knew that. And I respected Lev too much to attempt it. He wasn’t stupid. If he wanted to be with me, he’d have said so.
“I’m sorry,” Emily said genuinely. I could tell from the way she frowned that she wasn’t happy with how things were playing out. Neither was I. “If that’s how Lev wants things then...” She sighed, shaking her head. “It’s definitely his loss, Maria,” she pointed out.
That made me smile. It was sweet of Emily to say. Right now, I found it hard to believe. Lev was... so great in so many ways. It was difficult to imagine that he would lose out by not dating me.
Emily seemed to sense my thoughts. She leaned across the counter to smack my hand. “Maria, you’re great. He wants to be friends with you because you’re awesome. And one day someone will want to date the shit out of that awesome.”
Her phrasing made me laugh. I knew that she was right. I was fun, I was successful, I was attractive. I had a lot going for me. If I actually went out and looked for someone to date, I could find someone. The only reason I didn’t was that I was too wrapped up in my work and my family. I didn’t need anybody else to complete me.
Which didn’t change the fact that I wanted Lev. I didn’t need him to feel good about myself, but he brought a lot to my life. I couldn’t help thinking about how much more he might bring…
I shook my head, trying to snap myself out of it. “It’s hard to imagine meeting somebody I’m more compatible with,” I admitted. “But if he doesn’t want to date me, I guess we’re not compatible. Not in that way. Right?”
“Right,” Emily confirmed. “It’s just a crush,” she suggested. “And people always look much more perfect when we have a crush on them.” She had a point there. It was still difficult to imagine that I would see Lev as less perfect than he was. I knew he had flaws, which probably didn’t help. Knowing that they were flaws I was fine with was counterproductive.
What I wanted was for these feelings to not feel like so much. They’d come out of nowhere. Except when I thought about it, I could see the slow process during which my affections for Lev had grown.
Final Score (Madison Howlers #5) Page 14