He gave me a dirty look. “Really? What part was hard? The part where your secret was exposed?”
I took a deep breath. Clearly, he was still angry. “I don’t like keeping secrets.”
“Your actions would say otherwise.”
“I deserve that and I’m sorry. I never intended for it to be a secret. It was just a shock. You showed up at the door, and I had no idea how to tell you. I didn’t know you were going to be sticking around. Then it always felt like the wrong time. I didn’t know how to tell you. I knew you were going to be hurt and angry, and to be honest, I didn’t want that,” I confessed.
“Oh no, we wouldn’t want me to be mad or hurt, so let’s keep the fact I fathered a child a secret for another eight years,” he grumbled.
“Jacob, I wanted to tell you. I did, but it just, I don’t know,” I said, frustrated by the lack of progress in getting past the situation.
“You certainly didn’t try very hard. I would think it would be fairly simple. Something like, ‘by the way, you have a little girl,’ or something along those lines. It couldn’t have been all that difficult. I think it’s because you liked your little secret. It gave you power,” he sneered.
I had had enough. I leaned forward and put my coffee cup on the coffee table before getting to my feet. “Clearly, you didn’t want to talk. You wanted to bitch at me and try to make me feel worse than I already do. I’m not here for you to berate me. I’m here to have a real conversation. Maybe when you sober up, that can happen.”
I walked to the door but didn’t get a chance to open it. He grabbed my arm, spinning me around and crowding against me with his bare chest. I stepped back, my back coming up against the wall. I stared into his eyes filled with anger.
“I’m perfectly sober,” he hissed, the sweet smell of whiskey clouding the air I was breathing.
“Whatever. Let go of me. I don’t have to listen to you. You have no idea what it was like for me. No idea what I felt,” I snapped.
His lip curled. “You have no idea how I felt. I never stopped thinking about that first night together. The night I took your virginity. I claimed you. No other man had touched you. I was intent on being the last. You were the one for me. I always intended to come back for you. Everything I have done these past eight years was with the goal of coming back here. I fought hard, I worked harder, and I did it all because I wanted to be here with you.”
“Jacob, I didn’t know! How could I have known? Eight years! Do you know how long that is? People get married and divorced in that time!” I argued, beyond frustrated with him and the situation as a whole.
“I know exactly how long it is! It was seven birthdays I missed out on with my little girl. Thousands of days and nights without you in my arms. Milestones and memories were all missed out on because I couldn’t be here. I kept telling myself it would be worth it. I would get into a position where I could come back and sweep you off your feet, give you the life you deserved, and be able to tell your dad and brother to fuck off because I could take care of you far better than they could!” he said, his voice loud, the anger making a muscle twitch in the corner of his eye.
I sighed. He had lost a lot. “I’m sorry. My god, I’m so sorry. I’ve told you I’m sorry over and over. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know what you want me to do to make it better. You’re right. You did lose out on precious time. We have to move forward. What’s done is done,” I insisted. “How can we move forward?” His eyes bored into mine. I felt like he was scanning my brain, looking into my very soul. His gaze dropped, looking at my mouth and making me feel flushed. A wave of heat washed over my body. I knew what he was thinking. I slowly shook my head until his gaze met mine again.
“I want what I worked so hard for. I want what I’m afraid I’ll never have to call my own,” he whispered.
I tried to push away from him, but his body moved closer, his chest pushed against mine. He reached out and grabbed my wrist, his fingers encircling it and lifting my arm, pinning my arm to the wall beside my head. I wasn’t afraid, but I was worried about his state of mind.
“Jacob.” I breathed his name in an attempt to stop him.
His mouth closed over mine as he held my head against the wall. He reached and grabbed my free hand with his other hand, both of my arms now pinned against the wall with his body pushed against mine, his mouth holding mine hostage. I tried to tell him we shouldn’t, but his tongue plunged deep inside, blocking the words from ever leaving my mouth.
I arched my back, attempting to push him away from me, which only served to press my breasts against him. I gasped as a jolt of desire rocked my body. He was different, aggressive and turning me on. I quit trying to push him away and gave in to the desire. Somewhere in the back of my mind I told myself one more time wouldn’t hurt.
He must have felt the change and took his kiss up another notch, moving his mouth to my jaw and down my neck. He sucked large swaths of skin between his teeth, biting my neck like he was a vampire in search of the right vein. I moaned, crying out in pain and pleasure. I moved my lower body, rubbing myself against the erection I could feel through the sweats he was wearing.
“God, I want you. I fucking need you,” he growled next to my ear, sucking my earlobe between his teeth before returning to my neck that was now damp with his kisses.
“I’m here, I’m here,” I gasped, my heart racing and my own need ramping up with every kiss.
He let go of my wrists, jerking at the waistband of the jean shorts I had on. He quickly flicked the button open, jerked the zipper down, and pushed the shorts down my legs with one forceful move.
My shorts anchored around my ankles. With his lower body still pressed against mine, I was helpless to try and kick them off. He was all hands and mouth, moving with such intensity I could barely catch my breath. I kept my arms up against the wall, unsure of what else to do with them. I felt a hard tug and heard a faint tear and realized he’d torn my lace panties from my body.
“Jacob,” I panted, feeling like I was caught up on a speeding train with no way off. Hell, I didn’t think I wanted off.
“Turn around,” he barked.
I couldn’t move. He stepped back and grabbed my shoulder, turning me around before pushing me forward. I turned my face, my cheek resting against the wall. The man was feral. I hated to admit it to myself, but I liked it. I liked seeing him unhinged. I liked knowing he was that way for me. I could feel him jerking his pants down, his knuckles scraping over my skin as he did, one hand still pushed against me, holding me against the wall. I protested his hand against me and jerked my shoulders.
“Don’t fucking move,” he growled, using his forearm across my back to hold me still.
His other hand moved between my thighs, pushing my legs apart. I didn’t get a chance to ready myself for his intrusion. He was pushing inside me before I could protest again.
I shouted, slapping my hand against the wall as he drove himself inside me. It was only because I wanted him so much that he was able to slide inside my body with one hard thrust. He grunted, driving against me again and again. There was no mercy in each one of his thrusts. It was angry and passionate and the hottest, most erotic thing I had ever experienced in my life. I pushed back, using my hand to leverage myself away from the wall, and slammed my back into his chest.
He roared, pushing me back in place, one hand dropping to my hip as he held me up against the wall, taking everything he wanted from me. I dug my nails into the wall, the ecstasy of the moment making my legs weak. His firm hand on my hip and the other pinning me against the wall were the only things keeping me vertical. His impassioned groans and grunts were raking over my senses, taking me closer to an orgasm I knew was going to be powerful and violent.
I braced myself against the wall, both hands at head level, my fingers digging in as if I were climbing a steep cliff. His body bounced against mine, my breasts rubbing against the wall with every thrust. The friction of my nipples against the wall teased me
higher and higher until I was absolutely convinced I would shatter into a million pieces.
23
Jacob
I couldn’t stop myself. She was everything I couldn’t have. She was everything I wanted. My body was out of control as I buried myself deep inside her, jerking and grunting like a raging beast. It wasn’t enough. I was furious with her and wanted her at the same time.
“Jacob!” she cried out my name, her voice full of lust.
I moved faster; my thrusts more purposeful. It was like being on a speeding train. I couldn’t have gotten off the ride if I wanted to, not until I reached my destination.
“Stop talking,” I ordered, the intensity of my thrusts bouncing her against the wall, vibrating the picture hanging a few feet away.
I felt a gush of warmth and knew she had orgasmed. It drove me harder. My fingers dug into her flesh, yanking her hips back and against me as I met them with deep strokes. The orgasm was hovering just out of reach. I pulled back, using one hand to force her down, bending her over as her hands clung to the wall for support. The new position allowed me to go deeper as I took her hard and fast. The word more echoed through my mind. I wanted more. I wanted it all. I didn’t want to stop until I had gotten my fill.
The sound of her whimpers and moans and our bodies slapping together in the dim living room echoed around me. I could hear my own heavy breathing as I kept up the furious pace. In a flash, it was too much. A nerve was tweaked, and before I could stop it from happening, I was exploding deep inside her. I roared with a fierce victory cry as if I had won the battle waging inside me.
When I was completely spent, I stepped away from her, yanking up my sweats. I felt a little guilty for the rough sex and felt I should apologize. I watched as Erin stood, pulling up her shorts and quickly fastening them before turning to look at me. “I should go,” she muttered.
“Of course,” I smirked.
“Dammit, Jacob. Why do you do this? We can’t have a simple conversation without it leading to sex,” she snapped.
I raised an eyebrow. “We’ve had plenty of conversations without having sex. I’ll admit I’m usually thinking about sex the entire time though,” I said with a grin, knowing it would piss her off.
“It isn’t funny! We can’t let our physical attraction for one another cloud our judgment. We have to be able to talk and work through things,” she argued with exasperation. She put one hand on her hip and stared at me.
All I could think about was the fact she didn’t have any panties on. They were sitting right on the floor beside her. Her lips were red and swollen, and her hair was a mess. She had the look of a woman who’d just had a very good time, and I wanted her again. She’d probably kill me if she knew just how much I wanted to cloud the conversation again.
“What you really mean is you want to slink out of here and get back home before anyone realizes you’ve been out catting around,” I said with a vicious smile.
Her mouth dropped open. “I brought you home because you were drunk!”
“I’m not drunk. I wasn’t drunk,” I argued.
“Whatever!”
“Go ahead, crawl on out of here. That’s what you do. I’m just another one of your dirty little secrets. You don’t want anyone to know I still get you off. You don’t want anyone to think the town princess is laying with the guy from the wrong side of town. I get it, go ahead,” I said, shooing her out the door.
The look of anger on her face had me wanting her all over again. “You’re such an asshole! Stay away from me!” she growled and yanked open the front door.
“Don’t run out,” I said in a low voice.
She stopped and turned around, looking me in the eyes, anger flashing through hers. “You said you wanted to talk. I wanted to talk. I wanted to work through this.”
“Work through this? This being the fact you kept my child from me, and even after having ample opportunity to tell me about her, you didn’t? Is that the ‘this’ you’re speaking of, because if it is, all the talking in the world isn’t going to make it better. It isn’t going to change the fact you lied to me over and over and then had the audacity to try and blame me for not knowing. News flash, Erin: a man doesn’t immediately know when he’s impregnated a woman,” I told her.
“I know that, but I’ve explained why I didn’t tell you, why I couldn’t tell you. This situation is unfortunate, but it doesn’t mean we have to hate each other. There is a child involved. Can’t you get over yourself long enough to think about her?” she said in a tone that sounded very condescending to me.
I smirked. “Odd that you say that because that’s exactly what I was going to say to you.”
Her mouth opened and shut before she pursed her lips together. “This is getting us nowhere. You’re still angry and being unreasonable. I’m not about to stand here and waste my time with you.”
“You didn’t mind standing right up against the wall while I was buried inside you. I guess that’s different though. You felt good when I was inside you. That’s what you like about me. That’s all I’m good for, right?” I hissed.
“No,” she whispered. “That’s not true. You know it isn’t like that.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know. You would have kept on fucking me without ever mentioning the kid. You liked what I could do for you, but I wasn’t good enough to be told I was a father. You’re just like the rest of them.”
“No, I’m not! I’ve said I was sorry. I’ve tried to explain what happened. I know I screwed up, and I feel terrible about it, but this isn’t helping. We’re only going to say things we end up regretting,” she said, her voice soft, her eyes pleading.
I stared back at her. “I regret nothing I’ve said.”
She shook her head. “This isn’t you. This isn’t who you are. This is the whiskey and hurt talking.”
I smirked, folding my arms across my chest. “This is me. This is the man your daddy didn’t want you to have anything to do with. I’m the man who made a baby with you, but since your daddy said I wasn’t good enough, you believed him. You kept her from me.”
“Enough. I’m done,” she said, turning to walk out the door.
I watched as she slammed it behind her. A flash of white caught my eye, and I couldn’t resist. I bent down and snatched the torn panties and walked to the door, pulling it open. “You forgot your panties,” I shouted loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear.
I heard her growl, but she kept walking. I stood in the doorway, watching her back out of the driveway and leave. It was then that it all hit me. “Fuck,” I said with a sigh, closing the door and locking it.
That was not how I wanted things to go. I had lashed out at the person I felt had hurt me. I turned off the few lights and headed for bed. I lay there staring up at the dark ceiling and wondering what the hell I had done. I just seemed to be making things worse. I sure as hell didn’t feel any better after the way I had spoken to her.
I was so angry. So hurt. I couldn’t get over the idea I had lost out on so much. I felt like I had been robbed of precious time and memories. There weren’t enough ways to say sorry to make up for that. Despite the anger and pain I felt, I knew it would only get worse. The anger would sour my life if I let it. I had worked too damn hard to pull myself up from nowhere to let something like this destroy everything.
I had two choices. I could choose to wallow in the grief or put it aside and focus on making the future special. I had a little girl who still didn’t know who I was. It had been a week. I had lost out on another week because I’d been letting my hurt get in the way. I closed my eyes, imagining what it would be like to be a father.
“Oh shit,” I whispered, my eyes popping open.
A father provided for his child. Erin had argued she’d struggled being a teenager raising a baby. Had my little girl suffered? Had she been lacking because I was absent? Guilt slammed into me. I thought about Erin and how young and innocent she had been. The idea of her becoming a mom shortly after I left
was hard to accept. I knew there was no way Arthur would have ever let Erin or her daughter go without, but it should have been my responsibility.
I should have been around to make sure she had food to eat and a roof over her head. Erin had to give up all her dreams to take care of our child. A child who didn’t get the benefit of having her father in her life. Guilt flayed me, slicing me open and making me feel like the worst human on the planet. I had been so caught up in how bad I felt, I didn’t stop to think about the little girl—Ellie. Erin had said she didn’t want to tell me initially because she was protecting our daughter’s feelings. She was right to do so. I was glad she had tried to feel me out first. It gave me a modicum of comfort to know she had our daughter’s best interests at heart.
It was time to set aside my pain and anger and put Ellie’s needs first. I had a long way to go to make things right with Erin. I wasn’t sure we could ever be together, but I could be there for Ellie. I could be a father. I hoped Erin wasn’t so pissed at me she would try and keep me from getting to know my daughter. I didn’t think she was like that, but I had been a real dick. I owed her an apology. I wasn’t necessarily ready to try and make things work between us, but I wanted to be civil for our daughter’s sake.
Even on my darkest days the past week, I realized the pain I felt was because I loved Erin so much, that to think of her hurting me cut me deep. The betrayal stung, but I still loved her. Relationships weren’t supposed to be easy I supposed. It took work on both sides.
I closed my eyes again, feeling at peace knowing what I had to do. Now, I just had to hope I hadn’t completely ruined things.
24
Erin
I tossed a load of laundry into the dryer in my apartment and hit the button. I could hear the annoying laugh of SpongeBob coming from the living room, followed by Ellie’s own hysterical laughter. SpongeBob was timeless, I realized. He would be making kids laugh for many years to come. I loved our Sundays together, just hanging out the two of us. I was officially off, although it usually ended up with the kids wanting to play together in the backyard.
Bad Boy’s Secret Baby Page 13