Dungeons and Noobs

by Ryan Rimmel

  The only problem with this approach was that not everyone knew where their entrance to the catacombs was. That meant that not everyone had left them easily accessible. I’d had to push through more than a few doors that had been used as walls by unknowing homeowners.

  “Case in point,” I muttered, looking at the small entrance to the home. I pulled another nail made of the finest Windfallian steel out of my back. “What is that smell?”

  “It's the fireplace,” stated Shart, giving me the side eye. “It looks like the entrance is in a secret door on the back side of the fireplace.

  “I get that. What is that smell?” I asked again, slowly.

  Shart sniffed several times. “Well, I do smell something pungent.”

  “Is it toxic?” I asked, trying to figure out how to jimmy the. . .fireplace open.

  “Probably not, but it does reek. It smells like someone being drug through the sewers,” replied Shart, staring at me.

  I glared at him for a moment and tossed the nail aside. A tiny clang sounded as it hit the ground. “A smell from the fireplace, you little zit.”

  “Oh, that. I think that’s badger repellent,” stated Shart, sniffing obviously. “These guys are thorough.”

  I heard a click and sighed. This did not bode well. The small door opened into a roaring fire with a large, bubbling pot sitting on top of it. The smell was ghastly, overpowering the heat from the fireplace to take the top spot as the least pleasant thing going on in the room.

  “We are going to have to go out a window and find another way back into the catacombs,” I growled. The space was full of fire and stink, but it was a larger fireplace. I thought I could probably sneak through over the top, so to speak.

  Leaping up over the bubbling kettle, I shot my arms and legs straight out and caught either side of the chimney. The baking hot bricks that encompassed me felt like fire. My massively improved healing went to war, trying to allow me to keep my bare hands pressed up against the boiling hot stones. Thankfully, I didn’t plan on staying long.

  Unfortunately, as my hands struck the wall, I managed to dislodge some assorted chimney debris. A massive pile of ash fell from above, landing on my head and blinding me. It didn’t help that the ash was also hot. When I started to scream, it got into my mouth and lungs, causing me to have a coughing fit. I frantically planted myself above the pot, trying fervently to not fall into the bubbling concoction.

  A final large chunk of dislodged material fell. It landed in the boiling badger repellent, causing a fountain of scalding goo to shoot up. The white hot liquid splattered my groin and permeated my pants, pooling in my new cup. I would have screamed, but I was too busy coughing.

  “My face is melting,” I finally hissed out to Shart. “Do something.”

  Shart waved his hands, and a magical field encompassed my head. It didn’t stop the choking or the burning, but it did make it so no one could see how badly messed up I was. “Thanks!” I hissed sarcastically.

  “You are welcome,” stated Shart.

  I spit out another mouthful of ash and then contorted my body in impossible angles to slip out the front of the fireplace. I was now standing in the living room, trailing ash and debris as I walked. I coughed out a massive wad of what appeared to be a dead bird and found a cup of liquid. Pouring it over my face, I was able to clear out my eyes and look around. The first thing I clearly saw was Voan, staring at me wide-eyed holding a very ratty bear.

  “Grebthar?” she asked.

  “This is Voan’s house,” I thought back to Shart.

  “You, once again, weren’t paying attention,” replied the demon.

  “We’ve been crawling through sewers for what seems like hours! Of course, I stopped paying attention,” I mentally shouted through gritted teeth. I was proud of myself for keeping the yelling mental.

  Voan was bad luck, plain and simple. Oh, she was a polite, cute kid, but if something was going to go wrong, it would be here. I scanned the place quickly, spotting Blot’s coat hung up next to the door. Next to it was an odd triangle with a snake wrapped around it carved into the wall. It gave what should have been a cozy sitting room an eerie vibe.

  That just left Voan, staring up at me in wonder. I spotted a mirror and realized that Shart’s magical effect was still active, making my face look incredibly non-distinct. I might have had my same height and build, but I didn’t look like Jim at the moment.

  There was only one possible thing to do in a scenario such as this. I threw my shoulders back, straightened up to my maximum height, and smiled broadly. Using my best Dalton impression, I said, “Yes, of course. I’m helping Badgelor deliver presents!”

  She squealed with glee. “I knew it. There really is a Badgelor!”

  “Of course,” I replied. “He’s certainly real. He’s out delivering presents right now. But, little girl, shouldn’t you be in bed?”

  “Oh,” she said, somehow crestfallen. She set her bear down, while I thought for a moment.

  “Voan, what’s wrong?” I asked, and her smile returned.

  “You know my name!” she squealed.

  “I know just about everything. You can always trust Grebthar,” I said, using the biggest movie star smile I could muster.

  Voan grinned and looked over toward something, her eyes growing as wide as dinner plates. I let my eyes follow her’s and saw two of the best bears I had made. They were sitting exactly where her old toy had fallen. One bear had a small ribbon on it that read Voan, the other had an identical ribbon that read EveSophia. Shart plopped back down on my shoulder and pouted.

  “I didn’t even see Badgelor,” she gasped.

  “He’s a wily old badger,” I replied, looking at her fraternally. “It's time for you to go to bed.”

  “Oh, thank you, Grebthar,” she said, attaching herself to one of my legs and giving me a huge hug. “Could you do one more thing for me?”

  “Anything,” I replied to the smiling girl.

  “Could you find my mother? I asked Jim, the mayor, to do it, but he’s really bad at it. He found my grandma instead, and then she died,” stated Voan matter-of-factly.

  “I’m sure he tried his best,” I said in a clipped voice.

  “Maybe,” she hesitated. “Compared to you, his best is nothing. I mean, you are Grebthar the Destroyer, and he is. . .Just Jim.”

  “Well, I’ll see what I can do,” I replied glumly.

  “I mean, his name is Jim. Who names someone Jim?” asked Voan.

  “Maybe it was an old family name,” I suggested.

  “That’s the kind of name you change,” she confidently responded.

  “Well, why don’t you get off to bed?” I said through clenched teeth, making a shooing motion. “I have to deliver more presents.”

  “Bye, Badgelor! Bye, Grebthar,” she said. The little girl grabbed both bears and headed up the stairs.

  Shart had long ago fallen off my shoulder and was rolling on the floor laughing. I noticed that the room was already clean from our indiscretions.

  “Seriously, I would have changed the name if I realized it was going to be such a point of mockery,” I growled at Shart. The demon recovered from his laughing fit and plopped back onto my shoulder.

  “Is the boiling liquid cooled off?” asked Shart, who was busy wiping away a tear.

  “About half-way through the conversation,” I responded. “I now have full respect for that lady who spilled hot coffee in her lap,” I grumbled. Without my healing factor, I would have needed skin grafts.

  “What lady?” asked Shart.

  “On Earth,” I explained, “there was a woman that spilled coffee on her lap. She sued the people that sold it to her, and that’s why our cups now warn us that hot coffee is hot.”

  Shart scrunched up his brow and looked at me hard. “You’re kidding me, right?”

  “Nope,” I responded.

  “Someone poured hot coffee on their lap and that led to warnings that hot coffee is hot?” asked Shart.

&n
bsp; “Yep.”

  “You ask for hot beverages, and they have to be served in cups warning you that they are hot?” asked the demon. He was still looking at me in consternation.

  “YES!”

  “Amazing,” replied Shart. “I mean, humans are dumb. Earth humans are really dumb but in a tremendously astonishing fashion. You earth humans prove every day that survival of the fittest means nothing. The fact that you, as a race, have survived is nothing short of astounding. How do you do it?”

  I ignored that and looked around the room one last time. Walking over to the front door, I opened it. I hadn’t looked above the door first. Why hadn’t I looked above the door first? A globule of pitch fell from the ceiling and landed on my head. I inhaled sharply. “I just want this night to be over.”

  That’s when the string landed in my other hand. It had an odd texture, and, as I watched, it hissed and burned across my palm. . . just like a fuse. I didn’t even have a chance to react before it reached my head. There was a loud popping sound as the entire mass of pitch started to burn.

  Slamming both hands to my cheeks, I screamed like a ten year old boy.

  Running out of the house, I spotted a four-foot tall rain barrel nearby. It was filled to the brim with liquid. I leapt over to it, grabbed the handles, sniffed deeply, and prayed that the liquid was water. Doing a headstand, I completely submerged my upper half. The water quickly smothered the flames, allowing me to focus on my next problem.

  When I had grabbed the barrel, my weight caused it to rock slightly. That action triggered yet another trap. A large sack of building stones fell from above, slamming into my feet and further submerging me inside the barrel. A fair amount of water sloshed out, as my toned body proved water displacement theories were valid on Ordinal. Bully for Archimedes. The heavy rocks were keeping me crushed inside. Even with my enhanced strength, I couldn’t push the jumbled sack of rocks off the barrel. Shaking the barrel did nothing; it had been attached to the ground so sufficiently that my upside-down form couldn’t break free.

  I struggled for a moment, before I realized a truth in this world. If the world was always going to hit me as hard as it could, I would have to hit right back.

  Gathering my strength, I balanced myself on one arm and punched out with the other. By the third punch, the side of the barrel smashed open. A fist sized chunk of wood went flying, and the water began pouring out.

  ● Martial Arts skill increased, Journeyman. You are now capable of learning one Martial Arts perk.

  ● Perk Selected: One Punch: Expend all of your Stamina into one strike for maximum damage. Special perk, double damage against inanimate objects.

  The water glugged three times before it had lowered enough that I was able to catch my breath. Grumbling, I repeated the process with my other arm. At that point, the barrel’s Durability had been reduced to zero. It fell apart, leaving me sprawled out on the ground, the massive sack of stones at my feet. I tried to lift my head, but it was stuck to the cobblestones.

  “That is a lot of pitch,” stated Shart.

  “Can you get it off me?” I asked.

  “It will cost you,” answered the demon.

  “It's Badger’s Night,” I replied.

  Shart blinked several times. “Well, damn.” He snapped his fingers, and the mass on top of my head suddenly became warm and sloshed off. “That’s dirty pool, man.”

  I chuckled and sat up. “We are finished. Where do you suppose Badgelor is?”

  Something tapped me on the shoulder. I tilted my head back, spotting the irritated little badger. “What kept you?”

  Chapter 21: An Odd Morning

  Breakfast the next morning was interesting. Have you ever had one of those moments where every time you look around, you are pretty sure everyone is looking at you? I had a high enough Perception skill to catch everyone doing it, every time they did.

  Ashe was the worst. She was just about one step short of gaping astonishment. Her fawning behavior had been so bad that I’d eventually decided to go eat at the inn. That proved to be an even bigger mistake.

  I left Badgelor at the house. He had done many more houses than I had, and he needed his beauty sleep. When I stepped in, I expected the usual sounds of breakfast, people talking, dishes clattering. Instead, it was deadly silent as I entered. That, and it was much more crowded than normal. The adults all seemed concerned, but the kids were bouncing up and down in their seats, for some reason.

  There were a few whispers spoken and fingers pointed at me as I sat down. MaGetty brought me a bowl of porridge, and I started eating. Fenris walked over and sat next to me.

  “Good morning, Jim,” he said.

  “Good morning, Fenris,” I replied, glancing at him. He looked, disquieted.

  “How was your evening?” he continued, almost as if he hadn’t been paying attention to my response.

  “You know, pretty easy. I went to bed, woke up, and got breakfast,” I said. As I spoke, he was adjusting his hand. I watched him roll the ring on his finger for a long moment. It looked similar to his Ring of Vitality, but this one was larger. “New Ring?”

  “Badgelor left it for me,” he said flatly.

  “That’s nice,” I replied.

  “Where was your badger last night?” asked Fenris.

  I had been informed, in no uncertain terms, that our mission was of the utmost secrecy. I was not to discuss what happened with anyone. As I was still trying to get Badgelor to Friendly, I just shrugged. “I don’t always pay attention to him. Last time I saw him, he was sleeping.”

  “Oh,” stated Fenris, looking down. “Someone left gifts of unsurpassed quality at my house last night.”

  “You treated your kids?” I asked with a knowing smile.

  “We were not so extravagant,” stated Fenris, swallowing hard. “‘I didn’t even put out traps this year.”

  “That’ll get you every time,” I said, helping myself to a piece of toast. “Let me guess, your icebox was cleared out.”

  “Something ate every speck of food we had,” replied the Warden. “I didn’t even hear it enter the house.”

  “That’s that wily badger for you,” I replied.

  “Check this out,” said JoeClarence, standing near his father and pulling out a dagger. It wasn’t the dagger I’d given him so long ago. This one was magically similar to the one I’d made for Jarra the Healer but I’d used a different kind of dagger for the base.

  “Oh, a magic dagger,” I said.

  His eyes grew even wider, “Really? It’s magic?”

  Fenris’ eyes bulged. “Wait, is that a Dagger of Sparking, like Jarra the Healer has?”

  JoeClarence looked all over the weapon, finally spotting the small engraved word of power that activated it. “Bik!” Suddenly, a small flame shot out of the tip.

  That had unfortunately gathered the attention of everyone else in the inn. They all began examining their new toys. Aside from the extremely high quality of the goods, none of them were overtly magical. While they were all preoccupied, I decided it was time to skedaddle. I snuck out the front door without anyone paying the least bit of attention to me.

  ● Stealth rank up, Journeyman

  ● Perk Selected: Hide in Plain Sight. You may use the slightest opportunity to get yourself out of a situation.

  I didn’t mind that Badgelor had rifled through all my projects for gifts. Most of them were of little use to me, but I could imagine they would be useful to other people. Jarra had found the prototype of the dagger to be very helpful to her, and I imagined JoeClarence would have a similar experience.

  I was mildly upset that JoeClarence wasn’t more broken up over the dagger I had given him being stolen. Then again, I had just handed him the weapon one day. The new dagger was of much finer make and more suited to his frame, anyway.

  Walking past HankAlvin’s shop, I spotted him and his wife disarming the few remaining traps in the front room. I decided to test my luck and poked my head in. “Any luck last ni
ght?”

  “Not like I was hoping,” stated HankAlvin. “Badgelor snuck in here and got caught up in the traps, but he broke free. He managed to leave my daughter a Master-Crafted Doll.”

  “That’s nice,” I replied, glad that he hadn’t seen me after all.

  “No, you don’t understand,” stated HankAlvin. “I mean it's actually Master-Crafted. I could sell it in Narwal for several gold.”

  “Really?” I responded. I hadn’t actually bothered to check how much a doll was worth. I figured it was worth, at most, a few silver. Several gold was well outside my expectations. “Are you going to?”

  “Of course not,” stated HankAlvin scandalized. “Badgelor actually left her a present. Took her old doll to be with her little sister, I suspect.”

  I paused at that. I knew Badgelor stole one item and replaced it with another. I hadn’t really analyzed what he did with the old, broken toys. “Why do you think that?”

  “Well, Badgelor always takes an item and gives it to whoever needs it the most. I think that would be with RoseEleanor, wherever she is.” HankAlvin’s broad shoulders slumped slightly, and his eyes became bright. If you were looking at the town from the outside, you would probably miss the fact that everyone here was a refugee. Most families had lost someone, and most of the missing were never going to be found.

  Nodding sadly, I left HankAlvin to his thoughts and continued walking toward my home. Everyone was going to gather there just before noon, so I had plenty of time to think.

  “It's good to be Santa,” I said, as I entered my house.

  I looked around the place. The decorations were odd, except for the little tree. The house was quiet, entirely too quiet for the holidays. Looking over to the fireplace, I saw several little cups of caltrops and pitch, all hung with care.

  “It's too quiet here,” I said to no one, walking up to my workshop. I had a few hours alone, and I wanted to try crafting a new weapon before we left for the dungeon.

  Chapter 22: For Wind and Windfall