Dungeons and Noobs

by Ryan Rimmel

  “The hook broke off when the big wave hit me,” stated Shart. “By the way, what we are seeing now is just the opening trickle.”

  “Still on fire,” I groaned, hoping that Burnt Lung wasn’t going to morph into something even less pleasant.

  “Oh, that’s right! I always forget that burning is unpleasant for you,” said Shart. “Well, I guess I could fix it for you, for a price.”

  “I am going to die, and you still need me, you daft bastard,” I screamed.

  “Hold that over my head, will you?” replied Shart, but then the Burning Damage ceased. To be clear, I was still a burning man, running down a hallway. I just wasn’t taking any more Damage from it.

  “Why didn’t you do that earlier?” I screamed, this time with conviction, as my lungs weren’t hurting anymore.

  “Look at your hand,” replied Shart. Some of the oil had burnt off patches of my skin were visible and the patch I could see was now a deep, unnatural red.

  “Please tell me I can turn that off,” I stated, spotting the Deadfall trap in the distance.

  “In your menus,” replied Shart. “My, that stuff just keeps getting closer.”

  My legs burned, in the exhausted sense, not from actually being on fire. As a reminder, they still totally were, but the burning was definitely from overworked muscles. Even so, I needed to make this last jump. I lined up with the trap and leapt over gracefully, like a burning howler monkey being chased by a meth addicted puma.

  As I leapt, my Stamina bottomed out from the combination of sprinting and the burning lungs, which prevented me from catching my breath. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but being Short of Breath prevented natural Stamina regeneration. Even when you perform Stamina-dependent actions, you are recovering Stamina the entire time. The loss of that regeneration caused me to significantly miscalculate how far I could push myself.

  For one horrifying instant, the burning liquid looked like it might somehow flow completely over the pit. In the end, there was just enough distance that the burning fluid poured itself down into the shaft. It got dicey, as the flow grew higher. However, even then, only a small amount of the fiery liquid managed to slosh over the edge, causing a ring of fire. I was bound, by a wild desire, that I not fall into that ring.

  “Wow, those flames are getting higher,” stated Shart, as I wheezed on the ground next to him.

  “That pit is pretty deep. I don’t think there is enough to fill it anytime soon,” I replied.

  “Yes, Dum Dum, but there is more of it coming in just a moment,” stated Shart. “Much more.”

  I turned to look up the hallway, where the burning flow was first crashing into the spikes at the end of the passage. From there, it began flowing down the sloped hallway. The burning oil lit everything in an eerie sort of hellscape that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Or it would have, if they hadn’t been burned off.

  So when the light stopped, I noticed it. You could feel the blast of pressure from the deluge that followed the initial trickle that I had been stuck in. As it crashed into the spikes, there was so much liquid that it extinguished everything. There was no room for fire after the liquid’s passage. Except, of course, for the glowing red eyes and teeth.

  “I think the creature has plugged the hole,” stated Shart appraisingly. “Now, he’s trying to break free. I do hope that fragile, easily crushed rock holds him.”

  “SHITTTT,” I screamed, while trying to get back to my feet. With my Stamina depleted, I didn’t quite see how I was going to make it out of this. Then, I remembered my Second Wind perk. Of course, the problem was I didn’t quite know how to activate it. I mean, on Earth, you just kind of got your second wind sometimes. Normally, it occurred when you were motivated to do something. If a million gallons of sludge wasn’t enough to motivate a person, then I don’t know what would have been.

  It was a Stamina perk, so it stood to reason that it worked like any other Warrior ability. I concentrated, trying to figure out where I needed to activate it. I moved over to my Stamina pool, kind of sensing it the same way I did my Mana pool. Suddenly, it clicked.

  My Stamina instantly shot up from 0 to 260. It was like drinking a Red Bull that had been loaded with an espresso shot and about half a kilo of cocaine.

  I launched myself back to my feet and engaged Sprint again, blasting toward the entrance. The flow of oil behind me was now causing the entire passageway to rumble. The rumbling, in turn, was causing pieces of the ceiling and walls to break off. I thought that was probably not a very good sign.

  As we crossed the threshold of the entrance, I was forced to dodge a particularly nasty looking piece of stone. Then, I felt my foot catch on something. It was that damn tripwire. I tumbled through the dungeon’s door and onto the path toward the beach. I was a rolling heap, as a particularly loud boom sounded from the dungeon.

  Glancing back, I realized that there was a deadfall trap attached to the tripwire, after all. The boulder had blocked the entrance to the dungeon.

  “Well, that’s a tiny bit of luck,” I said.

  Shart had toppled off my shoulder and come to rest in his own ungraceful heap. He stood, wiping dust from his tomato-like body, and walked over to the boulder. Placing his hand on it, he said, “Oh, yeah, this guy is really heavy. That should stop it cold!”

  Tensing up as the rumbling reached a crescendo, I waited. For an instant, everything looked like it was going to work out. Suddenly, there was a loud thud, and the mouth of the dungeon entrance cracked. A huge spray of oil shot out.

  “Hey, Dum Dum,” stated Shart, backing away from the boulder. He got two steps away, before oil exploded around the boulder on all sides. The huge rock was propelled out of the entrance and straight toward me.

  I didn’t even want to comprehend how much Damage a boulder that size would do. With that much oil around it, and me still being slightly on fire, I didn’t expect a swim to be all that enjoyable. Instead, I sucked it up and Jumped once, landing on the boulder. Using it as a platform, I Jumped again, launching myself over the entrance of the dungeon and onto the cliff wall.

  The fragile, brittle cliff wall.

  My hands dug into the soft sediment. The rock felt more like drying mud than stone. I supposed that was a bonus, considering how slick my hands still were. I pulled out two large handfuls of debris, flinging them into the tunnel-wide stream of oil splashing behind me. Some of my burning oil dripped off, landing on one of the rocks below. The oil, which had extinguished itself as it fell, suddenly caught fire again.

  As I scrambled, more and more stone broke away. I was becoming desperate. Reaching to my side, I grabbed my trusty sword and attempted to stab it into the wall. Unfortunately, the hilt was slick with oil, as were my hands. The sword slipped from my grip, clattering to the rocks below. One of those monsters leapt out of the oily mass and bit down on the blade, vanishing under the oily water’s surface.

  I grumbled and tried to call the sword back to my hand. Nothing happened. Remembering that I was in Sorcerer mode, I took a single moment to concentrate and flip myself back to Mage Knight. I again tried to summon the sword back to my hand. The weapon exploded out of the liquid and flew back into my hand, hilt first. It then slipped free and smacked me in the face, before embedding itself in the wall. Then, I somehow caught more on fire from the oil spray the sword had brought up with it.

  “Balls,” I said to Shart. He shrugged and ate my sword. I wasn’t worried. I’d get it back later.

  “Here, take this,” called Shart, handing me a large piece of metal with a hook on the end of it. Swearing inwardly, I drove the hook into the stone. A few feet in, it caught on enough solid rock to support me.

  Using that as my lever, I began scaling away from the burning lake of fire, as the flames climbed higher.

  “Well, Dum Dum,” started Shart, as I climbed my first ten feet or so. Each use of the hook pulled down a sheet of rock. “You know how I explained that you don’t really breathe oxygen on Ordinal, b
ut rather draw Mana from the air with your lungs.”

  “Life Mana,” I choked. The smoke was getting kind of bad.

  “Well, lots of burning starts breaking down the Life Mana, and the smoke isn’t helping matters any.”

  I inhaled sharply, feeling short of breath. I checked my Mana pool. It was doing alright, and my Stamina pool was slowly replenishing, now that the Burnt Lung effect was gone. It certainly wasn’t replenishing at its usual level, but I wasn’t operating at a deficit yet. However, I would need to get to a spot with clean air soon.

  “Options?” I asked.

  “Climbing is out,” stated Shart, as I pulled off another sheet of rock. “The effect goes up well beyond the level you will survive.”

  “Down?” I questioned. The lake of fire was unappealing, but, with my new found fire immunity, I wouldn’t take too much Damage from it. That's when I noticed the slight marring of the surface of the lake. Then, I spotted the fins.

  “How many of those things are there?” I groaned.

  “Big ones or little ones? I counted at least six small fries,” replied Shart, wiggling his little fingers toward the sludge.

  “Are they some sort of sharks?” I asked.

  “They are Fire Sharks,” responded Shart.

  “Well, are those better or worse than regular sharks?” I questioned, gripping the stone wall with one hand and the hook with the other.

  “Worse, I think. A shark would be expected to die in oil -laced water like that, while a Fire Shark is going to do just fine in it.”

  “Good to know,” I stated.

  “It could be worse, though. There is also a Fire Kraken,” replied Shart idly. I looked around for a moment, but the demon snorted. “She got bumped around, but, when she gets over her debuffs, she’s going to start reaching for you with tentacles. By the way, you are only thirty logs up.”

  As I looked down upon the lake of fire, I became aware of a blob of goo landing on me from above. Having seen more than a few horror movies, I instantly swung to the right, pulling out my hook in a spray of spongy rock. I drove it back into the cliff and desperately tried to regain my footholds on the collapsing surface.

  ● You have increased your rank in Climbing. You are now Novice. The world is your tree.

  Instantly, my grip felt better and I was able to pull myself up somewhat easier.

  Suddenly, there was an eruption above me, and a badger’s snout stuck out. “Jim, ya stupid git, I was afraid I was going to have to fight those Fire Sharks for ya.”

  I chuckled. “Any chance you could get us back to the top room?”

  “Aye, I can do that. As party leader, it would be my choice, though,” stated Badgelor.

  “Badgelor, we are partners. I screwed up, but you aren’t the party leader,” I said.

  He said nothing for a moment. “Partners, huh? I guess I can live with that.”

  Now that I was repositioned, I risked a glance upward. I saw a small stream of fire seeping from the wall of the cavern. A blob of flaming tar had landed on my ashen, grey cheek. I could guess that the crack was about at the level where the room at the top of the stairs was, but I brought up my map to quickly confirm it.

  The climb up was interesting. Badgelor had a burrowing speed that allowed him to travel through most kinds of rock, even magically depleted rock. Because of that, he'd been able to make good progress. I tried to climb after him in the tunnels, but that led to two issues. The first was that I was getting buried by debris that crushed to dust when you touched it. The second was that the walls would turn to dust while you tried to climb them.

  Eventually, I had to ride Badgelor up. Holding onto his neck, we managed to dig our way up and into the antechamber again. I had half-expected another flood, but Badgelor had a sense that told him if the next room was full of liquid. His freshly dug passage came out toward the top of the room, but, as his claws breached the chamber, there was an odd popping noise.

  The popping sound was followed by a sucking noise, as the room attempted to refill itself with air and equalize the pressure. At least that was the same as Earth. I spent the next several seconds popping my ears, but the pressure eventually evened out. I realized that this chamber must have acted like a barometer, with the liquid emptying out of the room and creating a partial vacuum. If I’d managed to stay here, I would have exploded.

  I wriggled over Badgelor, until I could properly enter the room. The badger watched me for a moment, before entering into the chamber himself. “Now, you owe me a shoulder ride.”

  I chuckled, standing in the room that was formerly filled with liquid

  For a moment the room was dark. Then, I heard a splashing sound, and, suddenly, the room was ablaze again. I swore, but my panic was short-lived. There simply wasn’t that much oil, and the flame resistance Shart had given me provided protection against it. I spotted the perpetrator of the light and noise a moment later.

  ● Fire Shark Baby: Level 8

  ● HP: 12/90

  ● Stamina: 0/120

  ● Mana: 20/20

  The creature was suffocating, as the room it was in was now mostly empty. The few small pools of water were insufficient to let it breathe. I brought my hand up and cast Firebolt at it.

  “What did you expect that to do?” wondered Shart.

  “Nothing actually,” I replied. “I figured it might even recover Health from that attack.”

  “Then, why do it?” asked the demon.

  “It’s an aquatic creature in three inches of water. I don’t think it's much of a threat,” I replied, walking over to the creature. Not wanting to get slick oil all over my weapon’s hilt, I remembered my first weapon skill, Powerful Blow. I glanced at the hook for a moment.

  It took three smacks, and I leveled up my Club skill.

  “What’s in the chamber that the oil came from?” I asked.

  “It appears to be magically sealed. I can’t tell,” replied Shart. I glanced at him for a moment. “And since I’m invisible and intangible, I should just go take a quick peek.”

  Shart left us. My dripping wet badger and I stood there for a long moment. I used my hands to brush some of the oil off my chest. I would need lots of water to do my face. Badgelor expanded and shrank several times, causing most of the oil to fall off him.

  “Use my belly,” he said, after a moment.

  I looked down at him, and he shrugged. “I can get clean pretty easy, and that oil has to sting. Wipe your face off with my belly.”

  I thanked him, picked him up, and started using his belly fur to wipe off the massive amount of clotted oil on my face. In the middle of me using Badgelor like a towel, Shart returned.

  “What the hell are you two doing?” asked Shart.

  I dropped Badgelor, who landed with a thump. “I was just wiping off my face.”

  Shart flew back and plopped onto my shoulder. “Uh huh. The room is clear. It's just a large lake of oil, with a waterfall pouring into it. There appears to be a path over it from the top.”

  I considered for a moment, but the Suffocation effect was starting to get serious. The air quality was quickly diminishing. I could always loop back. I flipped open my quest menu, only to shut it a moment later. I didn’t have enough air to be worried about quests.

  I walked over to the door leading further into the dungeon and opened it. A blessedly dark and stagnate blast of air hit me in the face, causing the Suffocating condition to vanish momentarily.

  “This is probably the much easier way to go,” I said, looking down the perfectly flat hallway.

  “Most likely,” said Badgelor.

  “Never been much of a fan of the easier way,” I stated, turning toward the secret door.

  Chapter 35: Underground Pumas

  “Run, run, run,” I yelled, as another creature leapt at my side. I slashed it, cleaving off a mandible. Badgelor blasted another with his Destructive Gaze.

  “I have three marks at two and ten,” stated Shart, his pudgy, little hands waving i
n front of him. His spell located three more of the new, underground beasts.

  “Any of the larger ones?” I called out, as another creature lunged at me. Its strike drove me back a pace, but the insect quickly caught a Firebolt to the head for its trouble. I frantically searched for a way out of the room.

  “None,” stated Shart. “I see two more paths out of here. Both are on the right!”

  “Badgelor, cut to the left! I’ll take the leader,” I yelled out.

  “I’m at forty-two. This will push me up to forty-five,” yelled the badger, as he rushed forward.

  “Damn it, Shart, he’s in the lead again,” I growled. “Find me some more Underground Pumas!”

  “These are large insects. They are NOT pumas,” protested the demon, as his fingers continued flicking through the air.

  “Any limitless group of creatures are Pumas!” I commented.

  “These things are almost as tough as those Drak-ish, and you aren’t having any problems with them?” asked Shart, as I turned toward the tunnel.

  “They are attacking just below my reaction speed, making them easy to dodge and attack,” I yelled, as I cast a double Fireball toward the room I was charging into. Even with all of my perks and abilities, my Fireball spell required three different runes to function. That fact rendered its explosiveness in a pretty limited way. Shart had said the chamber was empty, but Shart had been wrong often enough that I knew it was useful to have a backup plan.

  The tunnel that we were following had led us into some sort of magical insect hive. In proper dungeon fashion, the mess of creatures inside didn’t seem to follow a logical pattern. There were the smaller ones, which were some sort of oversized beetles the size of mastiffs. Then, there were the larger ones, which were some sort of scorpion rivaling Badgelor’s largest size. The scorpions were in the same league as the Dragon Kin we had fought earlier, which had changed our tactics somewhat.

  Personally, of all of the various insects, I found the spiders to be the most trickiest. They didn’t actually build webs, which would probably have been worse, but they were still annoying.