Saving Noah

by Berry, Lucinda

  I froze. Still as a statue. We’d never told her he touched the girls on their private parts.

  “I know what he did, and I don’t care. I’m not afraid of him.” She jutted her chin out.

  I turned around robotically, staring at her pint-sized body in front of me, her hands still on her hips, her chin jutted out in defiance. I knelt in front of her.

  “I’m not afraid of Noah either,” I said.

  “Then, why can’t everything be okay? He made a mistake, but he said he’s sorry. Can’t everyone just forgive him?” Tears welled in her eyes.

  Noah’s voice broke in as he came down the hallway. “It’s not that easy, Peanut. But you are the sweetest kid on the planet.”

  She ran to him, throwing her arms around his waist and hugging him tightly. “I love you, Noah. I don’t care what you did. I forgive you. You’re still my big brother.”

  He hugged her back, tears streaming unashamed down his face. It broke my heart. It’d been months since I’d seen him cry. He stopped crying while he was at Marsh.

  “Yes, I am. I’m still your big brother, and I’d never do anything to hurt you,” he said.

  Katie whipped around to face me. “See? I told you. Why can’t you believe him?”

  I wanted to. More than anything.

  “Can I call Daddy and ask him? Please can I, Mommy?” She clung to Noah. He shrugged and gave me a sheepish grin.

  “Let me call your dad and see if you can stay overnight just this once,” I said.

  She squealed. “Really? Call him, Mommy. Call him now!”

  I grabbed my phone and walked toward my bedroom to talk in private. He wasn’t going to say yes without a fight, and I didn’t want the kids to hear it. I stopped midstride. Fear gripped me. They were alone in the living room together. My stomach rose in my throat. Did I really trust him? Did I mean what I said about him not hurting her? That she was safe? Was I sure? My brain spun. Would I leave her alone with anyone else who was a confessed child molester? My heart sunk as I rushed back into the living room.

  Lucas answered on the second ring.

  “Is everything okay?” he asked, instantly concerned since we rarely spoke on the phone anymore. The majority of our conversations were through text messages.

  “It’s fine. Everything’s fine.” I tried to sound cheery and light. “Katie would like to spend the night with us tonight, so I was calling to check in with you about it.”

  She looked up at me from the couch with eager eyes.

  “Absolutely not. We’ve talked about this.” His voice was angry.

  I plastered a smile on my face and nodded at Katie. “Yes, I understand. Sure. She’s so excited. She’s going to sleep in my bed with me. Except I’m sure I won’t get any sleep with her. You know what a light sleeper I am.”

  I hoped he could read between words: She will be with me. I will not let her out of my sight.

  “No. I said no. I’m not changing my mind.”

  “Okay. I’m glad you understand how much this means to her—”

  “Adrianne, don’t you dare do this.”

  “All right, great. I’ll have her back after breakfast. We’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I hit end before he had a chance to say anything else. My heart raced. Katie jumped up and down, squealing and clapping.

  “I get to stay!”

  Noah high-fived her. “So, what do you want to do?”

  *****

  I didn’t sleep at all that night, but it was worth it. It’d been so long since both my children were under the same roof and even longer since they went to sleep with smiles on their faces. The three of us had cuddled on the couch and watched a movie together just like we used to. Afterward, Noah told her stories as she fought sleep for as long as she could until she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer. It was a night like I’d dreamed about so many times while he was gone, even if Lucas was going to be furious with me in the morning. If he was anyone else, he probably would’ve stormed over to the apartment and dragged Katie out, but he was the only person who hated confrontation more than me.

  “Thanks, Mom,” Noah whispered as he tucked the blanket underneath her chin. She looked so small curled up in my bed.

  “For what?” I asked.

  He smiled. “There’s no way Dad said it was okay for her to stay here tonight.”

  “He did. He ju—”

  He threw his arm around my shoulders. “You’re a terrible liar. Always have been.”

  I leaned into him, resting my head against his chest. He stroked my hair in the same way I’d done to him so many times in the past. “You’re the best. You really are.” He kissed my cheek. “I really appreciate what you did. Good night, Mom.”

  I checked my phone. I hadn’t looked at it since I hung up on Lucas. I wanted to enjoy our time together and not be bothered with battling him. To my surprise, he hadn’t called or sent me any texts. I quickly tapped one out to him.

  Things went really good tonight. Noah is in his room and Katie is asleep next to me.

  I waited for a few minutes, but there was nothing. I checked it all night, but never got a response. I tried to pretend like I was staying awake because of excitement, but I grew really tired as the night went on and couldn’t deny there was another reason I wouldn’t let myself sleep. There was no mistaking what happened to me when I left them alone in the living room. I could no longer say with one hundred percent certainty that Noah wouldn’t hurt Katie. I still didn’t think he would, but my gut screamed at me in the hallway not to leave them alone. I’d never forgive myself if I left her alone with him and something happened.

  It was a crushing blow on top of a wonderful night to have my denial peeled away, but it gave me a measure of understanding for what it must be like for Lucas. I’d been so sure he would never hurt Katie that I hadn’t been able to imagine his reality. Until tonight. I’d never experienced that fear before, but Lucas always had. I didn’t understand how he could treat Noah like he did, but for the first time, I understood his fear.

  I planned on telling him what I’d realized when I dropped Katie off in the morning, but he didn’t give me a chance. He ran into the driveway before I turned the car off. Katie bounced out.

  “Katie, go inside. I need to talk to your mom.” His voice was forced.

  She gave me a quick hug and skipped off into the house. He waited until she was inside before speaking again.

  “Don’t you ever do that or put me in that position again,” he hissed through gritted teeth.

  “Lucas, it was okay. Everything was fine. The kids—”

  He cut me off. “I don’t want to hear about it. Any of it. I’ve been generous. I’ve gone against my better judgment and allowed her to visit him because it would crush her not to, but she is never to be with him unsupervised. Ever. And—”

  This time, I interrupted him. “But she wasn’t. I never let them be alone. I didn’t even sleep last night. Just to make sure.”

  “I talked to a lawyer last night. If you ever pull a stunt like that again, there will be consequences.” The veins pulsed in his forehead. I’d never seen him mad so mad.

  It felt like he took a baseball bat and slammed it in my gut. “You talked to a lawyer? Why? I don’t understand. Why would you do that?”

  “I’ll keep my daughter safe even if you refuse to.” He narrowed his eyes to slits. “I trusted you, but I don’t trust you anymore.”

  “Lucas, stop. This is ridiculous. We don’t need lawyers. I’d never do anything to hurt her. I love her as much as you do.”

  “No, you don’t. You’re too blinded by your love for Noah. You can’t think straight.” His words were bullets.

  “I will not apologize for trying to keep my family together.”

  “We’re not a family anymore. I’m warning you, Adrianne. This is serious. Don’t push me.” He grabbed her bag from my hands and marched into the house, leaving me standing alone in the driveway, stunned.

  9

 
; School didn’t get any easier for Noah as the weeks went on. He wasn’t making any friends, but I was pretty sure he wasn’t trying. Making friends wasn’t the only thing he didn’t care about. He’d always been meticulous about his school work and an A-honor roll student, but he had no interest in his schoolwork either. I’d never had to be on him about his homework. The old Noah worked on his homework without any prompting or cajoling and took great pride in his work. This new Noah could care less.

  His teachers started sending notes home about his lack of completion on projects and failing test scores. When I brought it to his attention, he said the material was hard, but he was lying. The stuff they were studying in math and English were things he did in his ninth-grade honors classes.

  “Have you looked into whether or not they have a swim team at your school?” I asked that night as we sat watching the latest Survivor episode.

  “No,” he said without breaking his stare from the TV.

  “Are you going to?”

  I’d given up pressing him about doing things outside the apartment but still nagged him about swimming. I couldn’t let it go because he’d always been the happiest in a pool. I clung to the magic of the water as if it had the power to bring him back to life. He always said that the thing he loved most about swimming was how he didn’t think of anything else from the moment his body was submerged in the water. He couldn’t go more than two days without it. The water was his sanctuary, and if I could get him in it again, maybe it would begin to wash away his pain.

  “What if we went to the YMCA just for fun? We could take Katie. She’d love that.”

  He burst out laughing. “You know she hates to swim.”

  Unlike Noah, she wouldn’t even put her face in the water when she started swimming lessons. She kicked and screamed her way through every one we forced her to take. As soon as she was safe enough not to drown, we let her quit, but she loved watching Noah. She rarely missed a meet and loved sitting poolside waving the banners she spent hours creating.

  “What if me and you went? It’s been a long time since I went swimming. It might feel good.”

  He snorted. “Seriously? You’re worse than Katie.”

  I threw a pillow at him. “So? Let’s do it. It could still be fun. How about this weekend? If anything it’ll get our pathetic asses out of the house.”

  He dropped his mouth in mock surprise. “You swore.”

  I smiled. “You’re not the only one who’s changed.”

  *****

  I dug my suit out of my closet the next day while he was at school. I hadn’t worn it in years, and it was too big because I’d lost over thirty pounds. Some people buried their sorrow in food, but not me. I stopped eating as soon as Noah confessed. I felt sick all the time and just the thought of food made me nauseous. When I forced myself to eat, the food tasted like sawdust and within minutes, I exploded in the bathroom. I had to learn how to eat again, but my appetite had never returned to what it was before, and I did my best not to eat in public because sometimes my stomach still rejected food.

  I splurged on a new suit to celebrate Noah getting back into the water. I was excited to show it to him when he got home from school, but instead of sitting down at the table for a cup of coffee like we usually did, he shuffled past me and headed for his bedroom. I waited a few minutes for him to come back out, but he didn’t, so I walked down the hallway and knocked on his door.

  No answer.

  I knocked again.

  Still no answer.

  “Noah, can I come in?”

  “Just go away. I want to be left alone.”

  Something in his voice was off.

  “I’m coming in,” I said as I pushed open the door.

  He was curled up on his bed, laying on his side. I sat down next to him.

  “What’s wrong?” I placed my hand on his shoulder.

  He shrugged my hand off him. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Did something happen at school today?”

  “I said I didn’t want to talk about it.” He scooted further away.

  “Okay, fine, but I’m here if you need me,” I said.

  I left him alone, but my worry grew when he refused to come out for dinner. Images of the days he used to stay locked in his room flashed through my mind while I put away the dishes. I couldn’t help but remember why he holed himself up back then. I kept telling myself it was different—something was wrong, but not that. It couldn’t be. Despite what I told myself, I couldn’t leave him alone and walked into his room uninvited after the dishes were put away.

  “I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on,” I announced.

  He hadn’t moved from his position on the bed. “You can’t help me.”

  “Let me try.” I grabbed his arms and pulled him up. He sat back against the headboard, pulling his knees up to his chest. His eyes were red and puffy.

  “They know,” he said.

  I didn’t have to ask what he was referring to.

  “Who knows?” I asked.

  “People at school.”

  My heart thudded. “How do you know that?”

  “This guy, Spencer, he’s like the biggest jock at the school. I told you about him before. Remember? The football star?”

  “Right. The moron who’s dating three girls at the same time?”

  He gave me a half-smile. “That’s him. Anyway, he’s in my P.E. class. Today when we were going out onto the field, he grabbed me, and called me a sick perv.” The tips of his ears were red.

  “That guy is a jerk. You said so yourself. He makes fun of everyone. I guess today was your turn, and he decided to call you a pervert. I’m sure he has no idea about you.”

  He didn’t look convinced.

  “Look, there’s always a guy in high school who gets his kicks out of bashing other people. And unfortunately, it’s usually the guy everyone likes. I was always so proud of you because no matter how well you did in sports, you never turned into a jerk. A lot of guys aren’t like that.”

  “I don’t know. I felt like he was telling the truth, like he knew something. I could see it in his eyes.” He chewed on his fingernails, whittled down to nubs. It was a new habit he picked up while he was away.

  “I think you might be making a bigger deal out of it than it is. You got lucky in school, honey. You always had it easy. Most of us don’t make it through without some kind of torture. Middle school was awful for me.”

  “You got picked on?”

  “I had my share. And believe me, girls are way crueler than guys.” I could already see the difference in how Katie was treated in elementary school versus what it’d been like for Noah. The girls had been grouped into cliques since kindergarten and it got worse each year.

  “What happened to you?” Noah asked.

  “You really want to know?”

  He nodded.

  I hadn’t talked to my kids about what it was like for me in middle school. I always thought I’d have the conversation with Katie once she reached middle school. I never expected to be having it with him.

  “There’s no way to win when you’re a girl. You’re ridiculed for developing too early, but if you’re too late, then they call you a freak. I was one of those girls who developed early and grew curves long before anyone else. It was so embarrassing, and I hated it. I had to wear a bra in fourth grade and everyone snapped it, even the girls. And then, in sixth grade, you have to start taking showers after gym class. It was awful.” I shuddered at the memory.

  “It doesn’t sound so awful.”

  “Oh, believe me, it was, and it got worse. One day during gym class, I got my period.” I paused. “Is this too much for you to hear about your mom? Am I totally grossing you out?”

  He shook his head. “Keep going. I want to hear it.”

  “Okay, if you say so, but consider yourself warned.” It was the first time in a long time he seemed interested in what I was saying, so I continued even though my cheeks flushed wi
th embarrassment. “I didn’t know what to do. It was my first one, and nobody’s prepared for their first one. I stuffed my shorts with toilet paper and went back to class, but on my way back to class, my bloody toilet paper fell out. Right there in the middle of the hallway. It was mortifying and I couldn’t deny it was me because it plopped right down between my legs on the floor. It was just like in the movies, everyone pointing and laughing hysterically. They called me Bloody Mary for the rest of the school year.”

  “God, Mom, that’s awful.”

  “See, I told you you’re not the only one. Feel better now?”

  He laughed. “Sadly, I do.”

  “Well, come on, then. I want to show you the new swimming suit I got for the weekend.” I yanked him up and led him back into the apartment, happy to have averted a crisis.

  *****

  I was busy typing the transcription file due by the end of the day when Noah staggered through the door. His t-shirt was ripped and coated in dirt. His jeans were grass-stained and smeared with blood. He hung his head and held his shoulder with arms covered in bruises and red marks. I jumped up.

  “Noah, what happened?”

  He looked up and smiled, revealing a mouthful of blood. His entire face was covered in angry welts. A cut above his eyebrow revealed the pearly-white flesh of his forehead. His right eye was blackened. His left one swollen shut.

  “It’s happening again,” he said before collapsing on the carpet.

  I rushed to his side. There was so much blood. His eyes were closed.

  “Noah, who did this? What happened?” I shrieked.

  He just shook his head and moaned.

  “Tell me. You have to tell me! Open your eyes! Open your eyes!” I shook him back and forth, whipping his head around. It couldn’t be happening again. It had to be something else. He hadn’t moved, barely flinched. “Noah! Noah!”

  Nothing.

  His head rolled onto the carpet. I let him go and jumped up, running through the apartment looking for my phone. I found it on the bathroom counter. I tapped out 911 while I raced back into the living room.

  “911. What is your emergency?”