by J E McDonald
“I am going to stay with Ellie; and mind your own fucking business!” I snap.
“Don’t you dare speak to me like that! I’ve had just about enough of your fucking attitude! And you and Jack are my business!” he shouts back.
“We are your business when it suits you!” I glare at him and walk out of the house.
*
Twenty minutes later I am knocking on Ellie’s door, I try to be quiet not to wake the whole dorm up, but I get no answer. I try the handle and the door opens, Ellie is fast asleep in bed, with her books spread across her lap, she must have fallen asleep studying, I notice Sienna isn’t here, surprise, surprise.
I remove the books from Ellie as gently as I can, as much I want to wake her, she needs to rest, lord knows I haven’t let her sleep much the past few days. I take off my shoes, coat and jeans and climb into the small bed with Ellie. I pull her in close to me and stroke her hair, I instantly feel better.
She stirs and I silently curse myself.
“Nathan?” she mumbles her voice thick with sleep.
“Shush, it’s just me baby, go back to sleep.” I soothe her and continue to stroke her hair.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
“Yeah, I just missed you.” I reply honestly. I can’t seem to go even half a day without being in her presence. I don’t know how or when I became so dependent on her. I’ve never been this pathetic in my life. I need her to function.
“I’m glad you’re here, babe.” She mumbles as she falls back to sleep. Hearing her call me babe, it makes my heart race a little faster, I love the sound of it. It’s like she has marked her territory. I am hers. She is mine. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
I pull her even closer to me, so her head is against my chest. Her legs intertwines with my own and I move my hand across the bottom of her back to her waist. I press my lips to the top of her head and fall asleep holding her.
Chapter Thirty-Four – Ellie
I awake to Nathan’s body intertwined with my own, his head against my chest. His breathing is steady and even, telling me he is still fast asleep. I carefully reach to my bedside drawers to retrieve my phone from on top. It is 6:37am, my alarm is not due to go off for another hour, the relief that I don’t have to get out of bed yet washes over me. I just want to lie here with him a little longer. I weave my fingers through his soft curls and kiss his forehead. He stirs awake and smiles at me.
“Morning baby.” He kisses me on the mouth and moves his hands up to caress my chest.
“Morning Babe.” I reply between kisses. My arms wrapping around his neck.
“Not that I am complaining, but how come you are here?” My hands sliding beneath the hem of his t-shirt, stroking his stomach, brushing against the fine hair.
“I missed you, apparently I can’t seem to sleep without you anymore.” He rolls his eyes and giggles, moving his lips to the tender spot just below my ear. I squirm beneath him and he chuckles into my neck.
Nathan slides his hand down to the front of my underwear, continuing his torturous slow kisses along my throat and jaw. I moan involuntarily, I cannot control the effect he has on my body.
“I love that sound.” He murmurs.
“Nathan, I want to, I’m ready.” He pulls back slightly and looks at me with confusion. I nervously move my hand to stroke him through his boxers, so he understands what I mean. He stills my hand.
“Baby, you are not ready, not yet. We don’t need to rush this.” He moves my hand back up to his waist.
“Nathan, do you love me?” He stills at my words.
“Ellie, you know I do, I am stopping this going too far, because I love you, I don’t want to hurt you.” He pleads with me.
“From what I have heard, it is going to hurt regardless. I want you to make love too me.” I feel my skin burn from my words, a flush rising from my neck to my face. I avert my eyes with embarrassment.
“Okay, if you are sure baby, but not here, not now, we will make it special.” He nuzzles my chest and I wriggle against him.
“Who knew you were a romantic, Nathan Crane?” I say in jest.
“Nobody, just you.” He crashes his mouth to mine, prising it open with his tongue. I lose all train of thought; I am completely lost in him.
Chapter Thirty-Five – Nathan
The day drags, I could have spent the rest of it in Ellie’s hobbit bed, but she insisted on us getting up and going to classes. By the end of the day, I am practically tearing my hair out.
I wait outside the door of Ellie’s creative writing class, as soon as the bell chimes, she rushes out and into my waiting arms.
“I got your text; I have missed you all day.” She kisses me and I melt into her.
“Do you want to stay with me tonight? We will be alone, my dad and everyone are going to a charity ball and then staying at the hotel.” I emphasise that we will be alone, after our conversation this morning, I want her more than ever. My beautiful, sexy girl.
*
Once we get home to my dad’s, Ellie takes a shower and I carry the red roses and candles up to my room, that I bought for her, at lunch time. Before she gets out of the shower, I spread the rose petals across my bed and floor, I light the candles and place them sporadically around the room. I made sure Elizabeth cleaned my room and changed the sheets on my bed. I have never made any kind of effort before for a girl, I know this is cheesy as fuck, rose petals and candles, but I love her, I don’t want her to regret anything that happens between us.
“What is all this?” Ellie’s shocked voice fills the room.
“You said you wanted me to make love too you, I told you I would try to make it special.” I say meekly. “Is it too much? I was fucking cringing setting it up to be fair, I’m sorry I’ll get rid of it.” I move towards the bed to remove the petals, when I feel her tiny hand close around my wrist.
“No, it’s perfect, I love it Nathan, I just can’t believe you have gone to so much trouble.” Her eyes pool with tears and she smiles at me.
“Why are you crying?” I ask, confused.
“Because I’m happy, I love you so much.” She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me. God, I love this girl.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” I think I am more nervous than she is. Get a fucking grip Nathan!
“Yes, I’m sure.” Her voice quivers, it gives away her nerves. Thank fuck it is not just me who is an anxious mess. You would think I was the fucking virgin the way my palms are sweating.
*
Ellie steps away from me and tells me to lock the door, she knows we are alone, but I lock it anyway, for her piece of mind.
When I turn back to face her, she peels her pyjama top up over her body, slowly, torturing me, revealing a pink, lace bra underneath. She pushes the pyjama shorts down her legs to the floor. Standing in front of me, wearing just the pink, lace underwear set, I am almost panting from the sight of her. I drag my eyes up her body, taking in every inch of her perfect curves. She is beautiful, full hips and breasts, tiny waist, soft skin. The tan she had when I first met her has faded, revealing her natural creamy skin. I follow her lead and remove my own clothes, once undressed I walk over to her, wearing just my boxers. I wrap my arms around her and lift her up, her legs wrapping around my waist, walking towards the bed. I lay her down, and trail kisses from her mouth to her belly button, savouring every inch. When the remaining barriers of material are removed from us both, she watches me put on a condom.
I make love to her, as gently and slowly as I can, making sure she knows how much I love her, worship her, with my words, my body and my soul.
Chapter Thirty-Six – Ellie
I can’t believe what has just happened between Nathan and I, I didn’t think it was possible to love someone this much. He was so gentle and careful with me. I could tell he was struggling to keep a slow pace; he is obviously not used to restraining himself. He is used to being with more experienced girls, not like me who didn’t know what the hell I was doi
ng.
I expected more pain, don’t get me wrong it did hurt, I can feel the tenderness now, but it wasn’t as bad as Sienna or my friends back home have described. Sienna words were ‘it hurts like hell’ but it honestly wasn’t that bad.
“Are you sore?” Nathan asks me as he strokes my head that is lying against his chest.
“A little, but I thought it would have been much worse.” I reply, he tenses against me and I look up at him, his pupils have dilated. “What did I say?”
“Was it bad? do you regret it?” he seems a little distressed and I realise what I said, what it must have sounded like to him.
“oh no, I didn’t mean it like that, I meant I thought it would have hurt more, but I feel okay, it was, I. I liked…” I stammer and can’t finish my sentence from sheer embarrassment. I can’t tell him I enjoyed it; I cringe at the thought of saying the words.
A breath-taking smile spreads across his beautiful face. “So, you liked it?” he asks eagerly.
“Well I have nothing to compare it too, but as far as first times go, it wasn’t bad.” I joke, and he takes both my hands in one of his, pinning them both above my head, he tickles my side with his free hand. I break into fits of giggles, begging him to stop.
“You will never compare me to anyone else either, you will always be mine, cheeky arse.” His laugh is infectious. As I laugh with him, I digest his words, ‘always be mine’ I realise how much I want this statement to be true. I cannot imagine ever wanting anyone else.
“Do you believe in fate? And soulmates?” I would normally cringe at my questions, but I have recently realised that I do believe in it, there is a person that you are meant for, and Nathan is that person for me.
“I didn’t, no. until I met you.” He stops his torturous tickles and caresses my face with his hand. “I think I met you, because you were supposed to save me.” He suddenly looks very far away, lost in thought. I loosen my hands from his grip and bring them down to his face, coaxing him back to me.
“What do you mean save you? from what?” I urge him to continue.
“From myself, I wasn’t the nicest person, before I met you. I was involved with some bad people back home, bad shit. That is why I moved here, to get away from it all. Well if I’m being honest, my mum made me move here, it wasn’t my choice, but I am so glad she did, it led me to you.” His eyes never meet mine as he speaks.
“What do you mean, bad shit? I can’t ever imagine you being horrible, in any way.” I am desperate to know more about this boy, good or bad, nothing he tells me could do anything but make me love him more.
“Did you see the news before you moved out here? About the boy who got stabbed to death in Camden?” he still doesn’t look me in the eyes as he speaks.
My body stiffens, my mind has gone into overdrive. I stay mute waiting for him to finish. If he tells me it was him who did that, I don’t know what I will do. I feel myself panic. He cannot be a killer; I did not fall in love with a killer.
I remember reading about it, the boy, his name was Ryan; I think. He was days away from his twentieth birthday. He was stabbed multiple times in broad daylight, it was horrendous. They still hadn’t found the killer when I left for New York. Did they not find him because he fled to America? Because he is lying in this bed with me?
“Ellie, no, it wasn’t me who killed him! He was my friend, well more like a brother really. We grew up together, my mum and dad practically raised him, he didn’t have much of a family of his own, just a drunk aunt, she was a waste of space. We were involved in a gang, we made a few enemies, as you could imagine with that kind of life. They killed him. They would have killed me too, they actually tried; not long after Ryan, so my mum sent me to live here with Jack. I am not like that anymore, you have changed me, for the better. Before you, I was bitter and angry, I just wanted revenge for what happened to Ryan. I won’t lie to you, I still do, but my worst impulses, I don’t feel them as strongly now.” He finally looks at me, waiting for my reaction to his confession. I stay silent for a few minutes longer, digesting everything he has told me. I am at a loss for words. Nathan involved in gangs, a murdered friend. It was the last thing I expected to come out of his mouth. I purposely avoided boys like him back home, they were dangerous and almost always ended up in jail or dead. Never in a million years did I think I would fall in love with one.
“Talk to me baby, I need you to say something, I need you. I wasn’t going to tell you, about London; But Jack said if I love you, I shouldn’t hide things from you. I will never lie to you, I’ll always be honest with you, you just may not like what you hear. I wish I would have met you sooner, I might have chosen a different path, no, I would have chosen a different path.” He finally looks at me, waiting for me to respond.
“I don’t know what to say, I avoided people like you back home, like the plague. You’re dangerous.” I see the hurt in his eyes and I instantly feel guilty. “I am not trying to hurt you Nathan, I’m just trying to be honest too. I’m scared. I love you so much, I am in way too deep, and what you have just told me, I am scared.” My voice comes out as a whisper.
“Baby, I don’t want you to be scared, I never told you to frighten you. I would never, ever hurt you, and I would never let anything happen to you, I would die first. I promise you I am not that person anymore. I will never be perfect, but I will love you with everything I have.” He pleads with me, the desperation evident in his eyes.
“I know you love me, and I know deep down you will always protect me. I am not scared you would hurt me, I am scared of what could happen to you, I don’t want to ever read a newspaper article like that, where the murdered boy, it’s you.” I feel the tears flood my eyes; I can’t stop the emotion that takes over me. The thought of anything ever happening to Nathan, I couldn’t handle it, it would destroy me.
“Nothing is going to happen to me, I don’t live there anymore, when I go home, l will keep my head down, stay away from it all. The thought of moving here to live with my dad, I hated it. But I have got a good life here, my dad has got more fucking money than Donald Trump, Jack is safe, I have got university. I’ve got you. I won’t let anything fuck this up. I was given a second chance; I won’t waste it. Ryan wouldn’t want me to.”
When Nathan stops talking, I relax. His reassurance works, I believe him.
“Why would you ever go home?” I ask.
“I am going home for Christmas and New Year, to spend it with my mum. I assumed you would be going home too? If you’re not, I’ll stay here, with you.” The hope in his eyes makes my chest ache.
“I am going home for Christmas break. You could come home with me? I don’t like the idea of you being there, in harm’s way.” I suggest.
“I would love too. But I actually think my mum would kill me herself, if I didn’t spend Christmas with her. What about we both spend Christmas with our families, but you spend New year with me? I will stay in my mother’s house, I won’t even go the shop, nobody will know I am home.” I can hear the apprehension in his voice. I know he is nervous about going home, it makes me nervous too.
“Okay, I will spend New year with you. We have to stay indoors though and fly back out as soon as the holidays are over. Promise me?” My voice is more demanding than I intended.
“Okay.” Nathan laughs lightly. “Look at my baby all worried about me. You don’t need to be, I am an evil little bastard when I need to be.”
I know he is joking but I also know he is serious. The knowledge of it unsettles me.
“So why don’t you like your dad?” I enquire, knowing I am pushing it.
“Let’s just stick with one depressing story at a time, shall we? I’ll tell you how much of a dickhead my dad is, another day.” The humour dances in his emerald green eyes and he kisses me.
Chapter Thirty-Seven – Nathan
After I drop Ellie off and get back home; I lock my room and lie down on my bed. I go over everything that happened last night in my mind, making love to her for the first t
ime, and confessing how much of a fucking horror I was back home. Well I didn’t exactly divulge who I was, just what happened with Ryan that made me move here.
I won’t lie to her, eventually I will tell her everything, but I need to tell her a little at a time, I don’t want to frighten her, more than I already have. The last thing I want is to scare her away, if she left me, it would break me. I have become too dependent on her, now that I have her, I couldn’t live without her. I won’t let her go, I can’t, I need her.
I can still smell her perfume on the pillow next to me, the ghost of her in this bed is driving me insane. I should have made her stay with me again, but I need to give her space tonight, she needs time to process everything I have told her. She will be in class now anyway, I was going to go, but I won’t be able to concentrate, so I am lying on my bed, doing fuck all except smelling the pillow where she lay her head.
*
Before I think about what I am doing, I call my mum, it is 1pm at home. She answers on the second ring.
After her initial shock of me calling her, which makes me feel guilty, of course she has been in constant contact with Jack. I haven’t spoken to her since I left, two months ago. I tell her about Ellie, I can hear the genuine happiness for me in her tone, she tells me she cannot wait to meet her. It makes me smile.
I shock her for a second time when I apologise, for everything I put her through at home. She has always been a good mother, done everything she could for me and Jack, I never appreciated her. I tell her about us bonding with Matthew, and my dad’s sorry arse apology and explanation for leaving. I leave slutty out though, nobody wants to know or is interested in her, especially my mother.
After I finish speaking, I look at my phone and realise I have been talking to my mother for nearly two hours, I think this is the longest conversation we have had in two years. I tell her that I love her. I hear her gasp through the phone; she tells me she loves me too and hangs up. I know she hung up and cried. The guilt rips through me. I have been a terrible person for too long.