Close to Me

by Monica Murphy

  “Have you done anything, gone anywhere?” Daphne asks. “Or just stay home?”

  “I’ve been in bed all day. My family just left a while ago. They’re going to a football game.”

  “And you didn’t want to go?” Kaya’s eyes are sparkling and she bursts out laughing. Daphne laughs too. “I’m already so over football and we’re not even halfway through the season.”

  “We’ll end up in playoffs too. You know we will.”

  “Right, and the season will go on that much longer. Over it.” Kaya rolls her eyes, making me laugh. “Hey, so Jaden and I went to the movies earlier. And guess who we saw there?”

  There’s not much to do around the small town we live in, so the local movie theater is one of our only sources of entertainment. Whenever Ben and I go to the movies, we always see someone we know there.

  “Who?”

  “Mia Antonis and Ash Davis.” Kaya shakes her head, her expression one of pure revulsion. “Why would he be with her? She’s so gross. Do you think they’re together?”

  “Ash doesn’t really date anyone exclusively,” Daphne points out. “But maybe those two ho’s would make a great couple.”

  My head starts pounding the moment the names left Kaya’s lips. Mia and Ash. Mia and Ash.

  He kissed me last night and this afternoon he’s with another girl. A girl who’s been with like every guy at our school. She’s a senior, a year older than us, and she’s gone through most of the boys at school. As in, she’s given many of them blowjobs, hand jobs, had sex with them, whatever. At least, that’s what I hear.

  I can only guess what Ash is doing with her.

  And just the thought makes me want to cry all over again.

  “Wh-where did you see them?” I ask, hating how shaky my voice is.

  “In front of the movie theater. They looked like they were about to go inside, and Mia was hanging all over him.” Kaya rolls her eyes. “I really can’t stand her.”

  “Me either,” Daphne says.

  Mom would say we’re slut shaming, and that we don’t know Mia’s story. She’s right. I don’t know her story. It just seems she’s always trying to seek attention, whether it’s good or bad, and I hope I’m never like that.

  “I’ve never really talked to her before,” I admit, and both Kaya and Daphne pause.

  “I never really have either,” Kaya says.

  “Maybe she’s not so bad.” I shrug.

  “I’ve heard she’s a total man stealer.” This is from Daphne.

  Feels like that at this very moment, I’ll agree. Not that Ash was ever mine to steal in the first place. “Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t. I honestly don’t know.”

  Kaya changes the subject, and I feel bad for making them feel bad, but I’m telling myself I shouldn’t be upset with Mia Antonis. It’s Ash who’s the asshole here.

  I need to remember that.

  Kaya, Daphne and I talk a little while longer and then they have to go, so we end the call. Secretly, I’m glad. I don’t want to gossip about Ash or anyone else. I don’t really want to think about anything. I send Ben a Snapchat, but he’s not responding, which depresses me even further. Even though I know he’s busy.

  Though, really, how can I keep up the pretense that nothing happened? That everything between me and Ben is fine? It’s not fine. We’re not fine. I’m a bad person, and he has no freaking clue what I’ve done.

  It’s past seven o’clock and I’m still in bed watching YouTube on my laptop when I get a text from an unfamiliar number.

  Look out your window.

  Fear slithers down my spine. I’m all alone. My family won’t be back for hours.

  This has to be a prank.

  Kaya, knock it off.

  The response is immediate.

  Who’s Kaya?

  I shoot a quick text to her actual number.

  Are you trying to trick me?

  Kaya replies pretty quickly. What are you talking about?

  I glance toward my window, dread hitting me when I realize the blinds are still open. Since my room faces the front of the house and my bedroom light is on, anyone outside can see inside my room.

  Including the stalker who’s currently texting me.

  Don’t make me break into your house, Callahan.

  The dread is replaced with pure, white-hot anger. It’s fucking Ash Davis who’s texting me.

  I go to my bedroom window and yank up the blinds, staring into the semi-darkness. The setting sun reflects on the lake in the near distance, casting the sky in an eerie orange glow, and I spot him standing in my driveway, his truck nowhere in sight.

  What the actual hell?

  He’s wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, beat-up white Vans on his feet. His hands are shoved into his front pockets and he looks like a sweet little boy waiting for someone’s approval.

  Well, he’s not going to get it from me.

  Throwing open the window, I yell, “Go away!”

  He grins up at me. “Found ya.”

  I slam the window shut. This is stupid. No way can I talk to him. Yell at him. We’re watching each other through the glass and he eventually whips out his phone and starts tapping on it.

  A text comes through seconds later, and I glance down at my phone.

  Come out here.

  Lifting my head up, I stare down at him as I slowly shake my head.

  My phone dings.

  I need to talk to you.

  Without thought I throw the window back open. “Go talk to Mia! I’m sure she’ll listen to what you have to say.”

  His eyes pop open wide. “How the hell did you—”

  I shut the window before he can finish the sentence, cutting him off. This house clearly has stellar insulation.

  My phone starts exploding with texts.

  Come on.

  Come outside.

  Let me talk to you.

  Callahan, don’t act like this.

  Come onnnnnnnnnnnn.

  Please?

  It’s the please that gets me. I’m such a sucker.

  Glancing at myself in the mirror, I realize I look like straight hell, but you know what? I don’t care. Nope, he can see me in all my wiped-out glory. I took a shower last night right before I went to bed and my hair is a frizzy mess. I’m wearing an old T-shirt that used to be my dad’s and a pair of sleep shorts that have a tiny tear in the butt. I’m also wearing giant panties versus a thong because I thought I was going to start my period today, but it hasn’t shown up yet.

  I grab a blush-pink velvet scrunchie from my bedside table and throw my hair into a sloppy bun. Slip on my favorite flip-flops and skip down the stairs, clutching my phone in my right hand. If my parents knew Ash Davis was at our house, they would be furious. I’m not allowed to have a boy at the house alone. That rule goes without saying. I’m not even allowed to have my boyfriend in my room when the entire family is in the house.

  My parents are super strict, but it never actually feels like they are. I’ve never been tempted to break the rules. Only when I first started high school did I go through a tiny rebellious streak. I was so mad over us moving, and losing all of my friends. I hated living in this stupid small town, in this stupid giant house.

  Now, I’m happy. I like it here. I like school, I have lots of friends and I have a boyfriend who really cares about me. And I care about him too. So much, I’m going to tell this asshole waiting for me outside that he needs to leave. What happened last night was a huge mistake and while we can’t take it back, we can move in and pretend it never happened.

  Yep. That’s exactly what I’m going to say to him.

  I unlock and then throw open the front door to find Ash already standing on my porch, his expression serious.

  Dead serious.

  “How did you know about Mia?”

  Blinking, I take a step back, clutching the door handle. “Word gets around.”

  “Tell me who told you. I don’t remember seeing anyone there from school.” He sou
nds angry, and isn’t that a riot considering I’m the one who should be angry with him.

  “It was—one of my friends. That’s who.”

  One eyebrow arches. “That Kaya chick?”

  “I thought you didn’t know Kaya.”

  “Of course I know Kaya. She’s your best friend, right? Goes out with Jaden?” When I nod, he snaps his fingers. “That’s who saw me.”

  “It doesn’t matter. Clearly you’ve moved on. Go be with Mia instead.” I start to shut the door, but Ash inserts his foot, stopping me.

  “Wait.” I glare at him, but he doesn’t remove his foot. “Hear me out.”

  I huff out an aggravated breath. “You’ve got five minutes.”

  “I ran into Mia in front of the movie theater. She started hanging on me like she does and I was trying to get away from her. That’s probably when your little friend saw me,” he explains.

  “You don’t need to tell me all this. I’m not your keeper. If you want to be with Mia, go be with her,” I say, nudging at his foot with my own. But it still doesn’t budge.

  “I don’t want to be with her.” He hesitates, exhaling loudly, his shoulders sagging with the sound and my heart leaps to my throat. “I want…”

  His voice drifts and this time I kick at his shoe. Which is stupid, because I’m in flip-flops and that hurt like a mother. “Just spit it out,” I say through clenched teeth, my big toe throbbing.

  “You.”

  I go completely still. My heart is beating so hard it’s making my head throb. No way did I hear him correctly. “What?”

  “You. I want you.” Another hesitation and he glances down at the ground for a moment, his mouth kicking up on one side as he stares at my injured, wiggling big toe. “Mia doesn’t mean shit to me.”

  “No one means shit to you,” I remind him.

  He looks up, the smile fading. “You do.”

  “Ash, you don’t even know me,” I start, but he interrupts me.

  “I know you. I know you better than you think. I know you like to laugh, because you do it a lot. You have a lot of friends because you’re nice to everybody.”

  “I thought they were nice to me because they want to get closer to my dad,” I say sarcastically.

  “You know that’s not true.”

  We both remain quiet until I remind him, “You have two minutes.”

  “Your favorite food is pizza. You have a Starbucks addiction. You are the loudest person on the cheer team. Sometimes when I’m out on the field, I can hear your voice over everyone else’s. When you’re worried, you get this little crease between your eyebrows, and every time I see it, I want to smooth my fingers over that spot to help you relax.”

  My heart pangs when he says that.

  “You take on a lot of projects, because you like to stay busy. When you’re not busy, you think too much, or you get bored. You’d rather be on the go than alone with your thoughts,” he continues.

  My fingers curl around the door handle, so tight it hurts. His words are hitting too close. How does he know all this?

  “You think you’re happy with Ben Murray, but that guy is a wimp, Callahan. He just goes along with whatever you say, and you need someone who challenges you.” He kicks at the door and I automatically open it a little wider. “Someone like me.”

  I do not need to be with someone like him. Someone like him would break me.

  I know it.

  “You’re not allowed in the house,” I say, my voice quiet. I’m purposely trying to change the subject. I don’t want to talk about what he just confessed.

  “Anyone home?” He peers into the open space, looking to the left, then the right.

  Should I tell him the truth? Or lie?

  “It’s sure quiet in there,” he observes, and I know he knows the truth.

  “No one’s home,” I admit like the dumb girl I am.

  “Ah.” He nods, and I can see he’s happy about this.

  “I’m not allowed to have anyone over when my parents aren’t here,” I admit.

  “Even Ben?”

  “Especially Ben.”

  “Don’t they know you’ll figure out a place to do it no matter what? The back seat of a car, the bathroom by the biology building—”

  “Gross!” He would say that.

  Ash grins. “You know lots of people have had sex by the biology building.”

  “Not me.”

  “Oh really?” He shoves his hands in his pockets, tipping forward. “Where do you like to have sex then?”

  “I am so not having this conversation.” I make to shut the door on his foot and he pulls it out at the last minute, causing the door to slam so hard it rattles the house. “Go away!”

  “I just poured my heart out to you and that’s what you have to say to me?” He sounds incredulous.

  “You don’t have a heart, remember?”

  “Yeah, because you stole it.”

  Twelve

  What he said is so sappy, so unbelievable, I’m tempted to call bullshit.

  There’s another part of me, though, that wants to believe it. Believe him. His observations. Everything he said, his tone, the sincerity in his eyes…that dark sliver buried deep inside me is totally falling for it. Falling for him. I don’t know when he noticed, or how closely he’s been observing me, but he was right, pretty much with all of it.

  Except for the part about Ben. Ben’s too good for me. And I know it.

  Especially now. After everything I’ve done.

  “You gonna give it back to me or not?” Ash yells.

  I slowly open the door. “Give you back what?”

  “My heart.” He shakes his head. “Wait. Never mind. You can keep it. I don’t want it.”

  He is making absolutely no sense. “Why don’t you want it?”

  “It hurts too damn much. All the time.” He rubs his chest, a slight grimace on his face. “This fucking sucks, Callahan.”

  “You’re talking in circles. And your time is up.” I mean it. Yet again, I start to shut the door, and then he’s pushing his way inside, standing in the foyer right in front of me. In my house. Something I thought I’d never see.

  Asher Davis in my home. The two of us all alone.

  “You need to go.” My voice is firm, but my entire body is trembling. I’m afraid. Having him in my house is like an invitation to something I don’t understand. Definitely something I’m not sure I want to happen.

  “Just hear me out, okay? I—” He runs his hands through his hair, tugging on the ends. “You’re all I think about.”

  I blink up at him. When did he get so tall? He’s always been tall, everyone’s tall compared to me, but I swear, he just keeps growing. Keeps getting broader too—

  Wait a minute. Did he just admit I’m all he thinks about?

  “I wake up and you’re on my mind. I go to sleep thinking about you. Sometimes I even dream about you, and those are always a trip, because we’re usually together, and I’m doing my best to fuck it up, yet you stick around. Like you’re really into me or something.”

  His words are sort of breaking my heart.

  “I try to see you at school, even if it’s just in the hallway, and my day is automatically better when I spot your smile. Even when you’re smiling at Ben, it doesn’t matter, because you look so happy, and that’s all I want for y—”

  “You need to stop. Please, just…stop talking.”

  He blinks slowly, as if he’s trying to absorb what I just said. “What do you mean? I’m telling you how I feel about you and it’s like you don’t care.”

  “You don’t really feel that way about me. You just want what you can’t have.” I cross my arms, which reminds me I’m not wearing a bra. Thank God my T-shirt is oversized. Hopefully he can’t tell. “That’s all. I’m with someone else, and now you want me. You had your chance last year when I liked you, and you let it go. You let me go. That’s on you.”

  We’re quiet for a moment, and for some weird reason, it’s not uncom
fortable. It’s as if we need the break, we need to absorb our words, our feelings.

  “I really had a chance last year?” He lifts his brows.

  Did he really believe he didn’t?

  “Yeah,” I admit. “You did.”

  Ash shakes his head, running his hands through his hair once again, tugging the strands into a complete mess. “I don’t know how to do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “This.” He waves a hand between us. “A relationship.” He says that last word like a curse.

  “We’re not in a relationship. We can’t be. I’m with Ben,” I remind him yet again.

  He squints, cocking his head to the side. “Are you happy with him, Callahan?”

  I stand a little straighter. “Of course I am. At least he calls me by my first name.”

  “Is that all it takes to get you to jump ship and be with me? For me to call you by your first name?”

  Pretty sure I haven’t heard him call me by my first name since the first day of our sophomore year when I insulted his dead father. “No, of course not.”

  Ash glances around the foyer, tilting his head back to study the light that hangs on a chain all the way from the second floor. Whistling low, he shakes his head. “Your house is huge.”

  It is. I don’t like a lot of people coming over to my house, since they tend to get dazzled by it. Mom and Dad are worth a lot of money. Dad came from money, and his NFL career gave him a big paycheck. So big, he’s worth hundreds of millions. Plus he got endorsements, and neither of them ever have to work another day in their life ever again. My college is paid for, no problem. I have everything I could ever want.

  Sort of.

  Strangers seeing our wealth always ends up awkward. This is why I hang out at my friends’ houses. Kaya will come over sometimes, and Ben has only been here once.

  He looked as shell-shocked as Ash does now.

  “You should probably go,” I start, but Ash keeps talking.

  “You got anything to drink in this house?”

  Now he keeps walking. I chase after him. “Where are you going?”

  “Looking for a kitchen.” He stops at the hallway, turns to the left, and heads right for the very room he’s looking for. “I’m thirsty.”

  “You’re not supposed to be here, remember?”