Defending Hippotigris

by Smith, T. L.

  His cheekbone already glowed red and his eye puffed up. I’d hit him hard. I stopped fighting. “Make them stop, please.” Surrendering took some of the pressure off my head and I collapsed back into the bed.

  Remy went to the doctor, helping her off the floor. “I’m sorry, Dr. Parsons. Shara’s not a violent person, really.”

  The young doctor’s face turned pink as Remy gushed over her, no doubt batting his eyelashes at her, however innocently. “No, no, I’m more to blame. Disoriented patients sometimes lash out.”

  Still gripping his arm for support, she came back to stand beside me, transferring her grip to the rails. “You can’t remove the headgear. The CIR is hardwired into your brain. Tearing it off will cause permanent brain damage.”

  I listened to Dr. Parsons, but watched as Remy picked up the restraint I’d ripped my arm out of. He held it open, staring at me hard. No attempt to seduce me into compliance.

  She sighed in relief as I laid my arm back into the restraint and let him close it tight, shortening the lead. “I promise, when we get this resolved, I’ll take the CIR off.”

  “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

  “I’ve been hit harder. It’s a hazard in the ED.” Her smile faded. “Now, back to what triggered this. I asked if something happened on TDY and you said no, but the readings indicate otherwise. Think of the CIR as a type of lie detector.”

  She saw me tense and held her hand up between us. “I’m not calling you a liar; I’m saying something happened you can’t remember. Our scans don’t indicate any recent injuries, but something was traumatic enough to cause this.”

  She looked up at Remy. “Have you gotten hold of her commander yet?”

  “I left several messages, but I’ll try again.”

  He started to pull his hand from mine, but I clutched it tighter. “Don’t leave me.”

  Dr. Parsons leaned closer. “I have to run more tests. Since your friend’s story triggered this maybe she can help.” She glanced to where Lizzy stood on the other side of the window. “I want to map the extent of memory loss.”

  Now Remy switched on his seduction side, giving me his ‘you want to do what I want’ smile. “She knows things I don’t, like ASU.” He waved Lizzy into the room.

  This was a sucky way to spend my leave. Remy went off with his phone, while Lizzy went with me to the Neurology Lab.

  Hooked up to an even bigger scanner and more drugs, I listened to Lizzy tell stories of our childhood exploits. My job was to tap the sensor under my hand if the story deviated from what I remembered.

  Lizzy was a great story teller. She made a fortune at it, but it wasn’t long before my whole arm trembled from tapping at the sensor. Last night I’d asked why she changed the story, but now I knew I’d forgotten more than one detail. I’d forgotten pieces of us, of me.

  I turned my head to the glass-enclosed room Dr. Parsons sat inside. She looked as unhappy as I felt. “Thank you, Lizzy.” She forced another fake smile. “I wasn’t aware you were Dizzi Lizzi. My daughter loves your books. So Shara, I guess you’re Darin’ Sharan.”

  “You’re not sounding much the fan.” Lizzy smiled slyly.

  “I want my daughter free-spirited, but I’d also like her to make it to high school.” Dr. Parsons’ smile remained fixed. “Plus, she’d freak out if she found out either of you were here, particularly you, Mrs. Batista. She wants to be you. No offense… Lizzy.”

  “De nada. I hear it all the time.” Her wicked smile only got bigger. “I wouldn’t count on the adventures getting any better by high school.”

  “Gee, thanks.” Dr. Parsons looked down at her control panels. “Well, Mrs. Batista. I’m sure you’re ready to move on, so let’s get back to questions. She barely paused to take a breath or let me focus. “You’re not really just a biologist, are you?”

  “Of course I…am.” My finger pressed the sensor.

  “What happened on your last mission?”

  “Nothi…ng!” My fingers twitched on the sensor. I tried to jerk my hand away, but the restraints limited my reflexes. “Nothing happened!” My head thumped along with my hand.

  “Okay, clearly something did, something major. Not knowing the real facts, we’ll see what your husband comes back with. Then we’ll see what’s…”

  “Shara… Doctor, get in here, now! Shara, don’t…” Lizzy stood over me, her voice lost as again something violently ripped my head apart. I couldn’t even scream this time.

  CHAPTER THREE

  “Venden zapatos para los angelitos. Que andan descalzos. Duermete nino, Duermete nino…” I knew it was Lizzy. She couldn’t sing. The song was bittersweet. Lizzy’s mom sang it to me often after my mother died, again after my father joined her. “Duermete nino, Arru…”

  She stopped singing and called out for Remy, but then I heard a muffled mumbling.

  I managed to open my eyes, expecting Dr. Parsons or the nurses, or Remy, but instead I was surrounded by strangers. Beyond them a man held Lizzy, one hand over her mouth.

  “No! Let her go!” I squirmed in my bed, but restraints still held me down.

  “Sir, she’s awake!”

  A man leaned over me. “Great, but keep her restrained.” His eyes followed mine. Lizzy went limp in the soldier’s arms. “We won’t hurt your friend.”

  That second Remy walked in, tapping at his comm. “Lizzy, it works better if you answer.” He looked up to see men around me and Lizzy crumpled like a ragdoll. “What the hell…?” Remy was grabbed and gagged, before he could put up a fight.

  The man over me waved his arms. “Can anyone lock a damned door?” He rolled his eyes before focusing on me again. “Colonel Kazan!”

  Why was he calling me colonel… or by my maiden name?

  “We’ll figure this out, Kazan.” Maybe he read my confusion. He glanced at Remy out of the corner of his eye. “Right now you probably prefer Batista.”

  He knew who I was and from the smirk on his face, something I didn’t. Something I was forgetting? “I guess it was luck we were coming back to reactivate you.” He lifted his hand where I could see a hypodermic gun. It stung as he hit my neck.

  There it was again. Whoosh. He walked over to Remy and held the hypogun between them, speaking low. I couldn’t hear but Remy’s eyes looked lethal, but he nodded and the man put the hypogun away. It was the last thing I saw.

  

  I stretched, then remembered being drugged. I also realized I could move my arms. I could move everything. Nothing was attached to my head. I felt around, just to be sure. Untethered, I twisted my legs over the edge of the bed and got to my feet.

  I was a little wobbly, but got my bearings by the time I reached the door. Locked. I thumped on the door. “Okay, whoever’s out there, I’m awake.” I thumped harder. “Hello… you brought me here, not the other way around.”

  “Col. Kazan, have a seat.” A calm voice spoke from the speaker by the door. “Someone will be right in to answer your questions.”

  “Batista. Not even close to a major yet, let alone colonel.” I stalked away from the door. There had to be some kind of mistake, the ranks, and the names.

  I didn’t sit down, but paced. Who do they think I am? Why would they abduct me from a hospital? I stopped mid-step. My head didn’t hurt anymore. Apparently they got something right, but I had to be sure.

  “Zebra.” Nothing. “Zebra, Zebra, Zebra.” I suppressed laughing at what my wardens probably thought.

  By my third circle around the room, the man from the hospital walked in. He smirked, just like he had before. “How do you feel, Col. Kazan?”

  “Better, but Kazan is my maiden name, and I’m not a colonel.” I held my place across the room from him. “Why’d you bring me here? Where are Remy and Lizzy? You better not have hurt them.” Threatening sounded odd coming from my mouth, but I meant it.

  He sighed, as if annoyed, taking a few more steps in my direction. I circled away from him. “Col. Kazan. I command you bring out yo
ur primary.”

  “You command me? My primary? Seriously?” I started to laugh, but a wave of dizziness hit me. Images flooded into my thoughts, strange images, strange places, and I was there. No, it wasn’t me. I staggered backwards into the edge of a table. I clutched it, holding tight. It is me, no it’s not… Oh…yeah!

  “Col. Shara Kazan. I command you bring out your primary.”

  “I got it! Hang on…” I clung to the table as all the images were replaced by one. In my head a coin flipped over and over, one side Shara Batista, the other Shara Kazan. It landed on Kazan and fingers gripped it tight.

  With a long exhale I stood up. “Col. Schaeffer. What the hell is going on?” All the memories of the last week were available to me. Batista was my public life, and Kazan my secret life. “Remy and Lizzy? You sucked them into this? Are you insane?”

  “We couldn’t wait any longer. I’m fairly sure you didn’t want them cracking your skull open. As for your companions, they wouldn’t let you go without a ruckus.” Schaeffer opened the door, stepping out of the way. “They’ll be taken care of until this is done.”

  “When what is done, exactly?” I grabbed a robe off the foot of the bed. “Do you have my gear? Can’t work in a hospital gown.”

  Schaeffer followed me out of the room. “In your quarters. Once you’re settled we’ll do a briefing. About 1700 hrs.”

  “What was wrong with me, the headaches and memory loss?”

  “The conditioning didn’t stick. A conflict sprang up between instructions to forget the mission and your long-term memory. Hospital records note it was stories of Zebra that triggered it.” He let out his breath with his usual level of annoyance. “Apparently one overlapped the other, so when we blocked your TDY memories, we blocked that damned dog too.”

  He gave me a snide look. “Another day or two and you’ve have broken through, unless they start cutting.”

  “Yeah, that wouldn’t be good.” Flashes of Batista’s memories hit me, the dog, running away and half a dozen other memories while he was part of my life. This time they didn’t come with seizures.

  No headaches either. I let out a breath I wasn’t aware I’d been holding. “Were you still at Perry? You said something about coming back for me.”

  “Restocking, but yes, we’re reactivating you. We’re getting odd behavior on LR-442. The natives aren’t happy you left.”

  I glanced up at Schaeffer. Normally friends, we hadn’t agreed on this one subject. “You’ve changed your mind?”

  Schaeffer remained stolid. “My opinion is still open. You need to return to Hippotigris.”

  “I just got back. Three month TDYs, that’s the deal. I can’t be away from Remy…” In my head the coin spun again. I was her again, no I wasn’t. The coin landed back on Kazan. “God damn it!” I grabbed at the wall for support. “Zebra, zebr…” My head hurt. “There’s still something wrong.”

  Schaeffer stepped in front of me, his hand gently wrapped around my arm. “The doctor says there’s no serious damage done, but you might still trigger on those memories, depending on which of you is up front. We tried to switch her off, but apparently you’re no longer a candidate for conditioning. That means you need to fully integrate.”

  He could see my confusion. “Until you’re stabilized, you’ll probably swing between your two alters.”

  “That’s just great!”

  “It could be worse.” His concern hinted of emotion under the staid demeanor. “No telling what they might have done to you, given another hour or two.”

  I shivered with the thought. They’d shoved wires into my brain, shocking me out of the seizures. “Wait, no conditioning? How’s that going to affect my assignment?”

  “Don’t know yet.” Schaeffer’s hand slid down to mine and drew it over his arm, easing me away from the wall to continue our walk to my quarters.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Schaeffer helped me to my quarters. I was tired again, so I didn’t ask any more questions. They could wait until the briefing.

  The door to my room slid open, but I froze one step inside. “Remy. You’re here!”

  “Shara, you’re all right?” Instantly he went defensive as Schaeffer followed me into the room. “I cooperated! Now, what’s going on?”

  I stepped between the two men, glaring back at Schaeffer. This was him being the ass again, not warning me. I looked to Remy, putting my hand on his chest, but the dizziness rushed over me again.

  Batista wanted out, but I held tight to the coin. This was going to get worse when Remy found out I wasn’t a hostage. Schaeffer planned this, probably to force integration. “I need to explain this to my husband.”

  Schaeffer didn’t try to hide his sarcastic grin. “As you see fit, Col. Kazan.”

  “You haven’t left me a choice.”

  Schaeffer nodded, but I waited until the door closed. In my head I clamped my hand tighter around that coin.

  Remy searched my eyes. “What’s going on? Why did they bring us here, and why does he keep calling you Col. Kazan?” He pulled me over to the bed and made me sit down. “Why did they take you out of the hospital? What about your migraines?”

  He had so many questions. I wasn’t sure where to start. “We need to talk, and you’re not going to like this.”

  His face paled. “You’re not all right.” He wrapped his arms around me.

  His arms felt good, but odd also. He kissed me and it felt wrong. That coin in my hand took on a life of its own, trying to flip over to her. She fought to get out and I was suddenly overwhelmed with a possessiveness I’d never imagined. No! I had him first. I was the one to fall in love with him. I was the one he married.

  I was the one who made the choice he knew nothing about. Guilt replaced my sense of ownership. I allowed them to split my consciousness.

  A secret couldn’t be revealed if it wasn’t remembered. Kazan kept the secret when I was Batista, his wife. Batista couldn’t remember anything but that other life. But that lie was over. Kazan was my real personality.

  Guilt won and I pushed Remy away. “Stop, please. It’s not what you think. I’m not sick.” I got up from the bed. Remy’s eyebrows did that thing they did when he was worried, scrunching together.

  “I am Col. Shara Kazan, co-commander of an elite exploration team, a secret division of the U.N. Space Alliance. I’ve been a member for the last fifteen years, almost from the day I enlisted.”

  I was trying to hurry, to keep him from interrupting until I got my secret out. “When I married you, I had to make concessions to stay in the Corps. Secrets are too hard to keep, so I agreed to let them split my identities. Here I’m Col. Kazan. When I get back from my missions, I undergo a process to block my memories, so I can be Capt. Shara Batista. She has no idea I exist. When she goes TDY, I’m reactivated.”

  Remy’s eyebrows only became more welded together.

  “I’m the primary, the original.”

  I could see him thinking behind those brown eyes. “You’ve been doing this the whole time we were together? Ten years?”

  His question surprised me. “You… believe what I just told you, no questions about drugs, brain damage, delusions?”

  “I knew something was wrong, something I couldn’t figure out. I told you that before things got crazy.” Remy took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Back to my question.”

  “Ahhhmm, I agreed to it before we got married.” I could see he didn’t care for my answer. “It worked, until this glitch. They figured out what was wrong, but now I’m needed back on the job.”

  “What?” There went the eyebrows again, his lips getting tight. “Just like that? What job? Where? What about me, us? They didn’t just kidnap me. They have Lizzy too. What are we supposed to do, forget this hap…pened?”

  He never was slow. Another reason I had to split my personalities.

  “Are you serious?” He took a step towards me, but stopped at an arm’s distance, his hands clenched in anger. “You’re going to make u
s forget this? It’s more than just us. People at the hospital will ask questions. Your friends will wonder where you went, where Lizzy is.”

  We were expected at our reunion and anywhere Lizzy went drew attention, as would her disappearance. No doubt Schaeffer came up with a cover story everyone would believe, but should I say that, to him? No! Not with him glaring down at me like he didn’t recognize me at all. I felt hurt.

  But I shouldn’t. I made this choice, but I was also the one he married. He should still love me! Before I could tighten my hold, the coin flipped over.

  I staggered back, looking at Remy, then down at myself. I heard all of what Kazan said, all I said. This was insane. If what she said was true, I was never real. “Remy?”

  I started to cry at the anger in his eyes, towards her, towards me. Not a trickle, no… gushing rivulets dripping down onto my hospital robe, turning it an even uglier shade of blue. “It’s me!”

  Remy caught me as the coin spun wildly. His hold on me only brought the tears on harder. Her, me, her, me. Kazan, Batista. Everything spun so fast it felt like we would split, not into two pieces, but a million. His arms clamped down around both of us.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Tucked against his chest, I didn’t want to think, though I had no choice. Who was I right now? In my head I looked for the coin, for what side it landed on, but it wasn’t in the place I kept it. Was this part of the integration, I’d lose my image marker?

  I must have stirred as Remy’s hand slipped down my back, trying to comfort me. I trembled. This is what Schaeffer intended, using Remy to hold the fractions of me together as my brain reconciled itself. But would Remy stay?

  I slid out of his arms. “Remy, I’m sorry. I’ll figure out how to make this right.”

  Remy studied me. At least the anger was gone. “No, we’ll figure it out. No more secrets.”

  “No more. I promise.” He gave me a hug and let me get up.