Mr. Monk in Outer Space

by Goldberg, Lee

  “Conrad Stipe chose to tell us about it in a fictional context because society wasn’t ready to embrace the truth,” the fan explained. “That’s because he lived spiritually and creatively on both the parallel Earth and on our own. So now his presence there will cross over and revive his corporeal presence here so he can continue his important work, the same way it happened for Starella in that seminal episode.”

  “How do you know that’s what will happen?”

  “The best evidence will be when Conrad Stipe walks out that door.”

  The reporter turned to the camera. “And we’ll be here when it happens.”

  She said it without a trace of sarcasm.

  That live report was followed by a taped interview with producer Kingston Mills, who sat in front of a poster for the new Beyond Earth.

  He said that “the industry lost a giant and a true pioneer” but that he had lost “a colleague, a dear friend, and an inspiring mentor.”

  Mills wiped away a tear and then reminded viewers not to miss the reimagined Beyond Earth because that would be “the best way to honor Conrad’s memory and his lifetime of creative achievement.”

  I was tempted to hurl my TV out the window, but then I remembered what they cost and took the less expensive approach of simply turning it off.

  As I drove to Ambrose’s house, I began to wonder if maybe Mills had killed Stipe so he could hog all the credit for the show and get a massive amount of free publicity right before the premiere. The more I thought about it, the more devious and possible it sounded to me.

  Maybe I’ve been spending too much time around murderers the last few years.

  I rushed up to the front door of Ambrose’s house, eager to pitch my theory to Monk. I knocked on the door. Ambrose answered it, muttered a quick hello to me, then hurried back to the dining room. He seemed tired and distracted.

  I followed him and was surprised by what I saw. He’d taken the security video, digitized it, blown up several frames of the shooter, and printed them out. He’d mounted the pictures on poster boards along with various blowups and drawings of Confederation uniforms, insignias, and Snork ears. He’d then connected them all with arrows and all kinds of handwritten notations.

  He must have been up all night working on the presentation.

  “What is all this?” I asked.

  “Irrefutable proof that the assassin was wearing a season-one shirt and season-two ears.”

  “I don’t think anyone doubted you,” I said.

  “Adrian did,” Ambrose said.

  “I didn’t doubt you,” Monk said, coming up behind me. “I said it didn’t matter.”

  “Oh, but it does,” Ambrose said.

  He took out a pointer and began his presentation. “The particular season-one uniform that the killer is wearing is modeled on the distinct design of the wardrobe from the pilot episode, which differs from the uniform used in the subsequent episodes, because the original production designer was unavailable for the series. You can see it most clearly here in the trim around the collar and cuffs.”

  Monk shook his head. “Nobody cares.”

  “Ursula Glemstadt does,” Ambrose said.

  “Who is Ursula Glemstadt?” Monk asked.

  “She makes and sells Confederation uniforms for the fan community,” Ambrose said. “And she is the only one who insists on using the original designs from the pilot, down to the exact stitching of the seams.”

  “You think she sold the uniform to the killer,” I said.

  “I know she did,” Ambrose said. “And she’s got a booth at the convention.”

  “That’s a real lead, Mr. Monk,” I said.

  Monk sighed and looked at his brother. “How many of those uniforms do you think she has made and sold over the years in person and through mail order?”

  “Hundreds,” Ambrose replied.

  “The killer could be any one of those customers,” Monk said. “That doesn’t really help us.”

  “But if you look at the fraying, or lack of it, and the vibrancy of the color, I’d say it’s a brand-new uniform and has never been washed. He could have bought it in the last few days at the convention.”

  “Or bought it years or months ago and is wearing it for the first time.”

  “It’s worth checking out,” I said.

  “Not really,” Monk said.

  “I’ve also studied the ears,” Ambrose said. “I think I’ve narrowed them down to three possible molds and the craftspersons who manufactured them.”

  Monk rolled his eyes. “That’s a big help. Let’s go, Natalie, or we’ll be late for my regular appointment with Dr. Kroger.”

  Ambrose started gathering up his boards. “Wait. Aren’t you going to take these?”

  “What for?” Monk said.

  “To show your colleagues in the police department.”

  “They won’t be interested.”

  Monk walked out, but I stayed behind.

  “Of course we’ll take them, Ambrose. I know that Captain Stottlemeyer will appreciate your work very much.”

  He smiled gratefully and gave me the poster boards and a manila envelope.

  “I’ve attached contact information on how to reach Ursula and the three ear-makers, along with a letter of introduction to them from me. That should smooth the way for the detectives.”

  “Thank you, Ambrose,” I said. “I’ll be sure the captain gets everything.”

  Monk was waiting for me at the car, his arms crossed. He watched me load the posters into the car.

  “You shouldn’t encourage him,” Monk said.

  “Why not?” I said. “He’s just trying to help.”

  “You’re only reinforcing his ridiculous obsession with insignificant details,” Monk said. “How is he ever going to learn to function in life if he continues to focus on meaningless minutiae? He needs to loosen up in a big way.”

  I stopped and stared at Monk, a man who won’t sit at a table that has only three chairs and counts the parking meters whenever he walks down a street.

  “Have you ever heard the phrase ‘the pot calling the kettle black’?” I asked him.

  “That makes no sense. Pots are inanimate objects that don’t talk, and if they did, why would they talk to a kettle?”

  I just shook my head and got into the car. While I drove Monk to his psychiatrist’s office, I pitched my theory about Kingston Mills and his possible motive for murdering Stipe.

  “You might be onto something,” Monk said.

  I was flattered. “You really think so?”

  “No,” Monk said.

  “Then why did you say it?”

  “Say what?”

  “That I might be onto something,” I said.

  “You might be,” Monk said. “Of course, by that I mean no way in hell.”

  “Why don’t you just say that instead?”

  “I don’t want to be insensitive,” Monk said.

  “But you have no problem telling a one-eyed man to find his eyeball or calling your own brother a drug-addicted freak.”

  “What’s insensitive about that?”

  I gave him a look to see if he was joking, but then I remembered that Monk doesn’t have a sense of humor. He was serious. All the time.

  We arrived at Dr. Kroger’s office precisely four minutes early. That’s because we always get there eight or ten minutes early, wait outside on the sidewalk until it’s four minutes before the appointment, and then go in.

  Dr. Kroger was a trim and fit fiftysomething, much like the late Brandon Lorber, and had a golfer’s tan. I don’t know if he actually played golf, but he looked like someone who did.

  He had an enormously calming presence, which I suppose is a necessary quality for someone in his profession, but if you’re already calm, which I am most of the time, you run the risk of slipping into a coma while you’re talking to him.

  There was no one in his waiting room when we arrived, and as soon as Dr. Kroger opened his inner-office door, Monk marc
hed in without so much as a greeting.

  The office was clean and contemporary and looked out on an inner courtyard that had a fountain that trickled down one of the concrete walls and into a bowl of damp, glistening stones.

  If I ever needed to see a shrink, I’d want his office to be warm and cozy and inviting, like a family room. Dr. Kroger’s office was sterile and almost cold enough to keep food fresh. No wonder Monk felt comfortable there.

  “We’ve got a psychiatric emergency to deal with,” Monk said, taking his customary seat.

  Dr. Kroger raised an eyebrow. That’s about as worked up as he ever got. “We do?”

  “It’s not me, of course,” Monk said.

  Dr. Kroger nodded sagely. I think he even picked his nose sagely. He was that kind of guy. “It’s everyone else.”

  I was walking out when Monk called to me. “See, Natalie?” Monk said. “He gets it.” I couldn’t let that remark go without an explanation.

  “Mr. Monk is talking about his current case,” I said. “He’s investigating the murder of Conrad Stipe, who created a TV show called Beyond Earth, which has a cult following.”

  “These are deeply disturbed individuals,” Monk said. “They walk around with their internal organs on the outside of their bodies.”

  “Is that so?” Dr. Kroger said, as if that was something he saw every day. He sat down in his chair beside Monk and motioned to me to stay. I stood at the door, feeling awkward.

  “Yesterday, we visited a Beyond Earth convention where the fans dress up as characters from the show,” I said and sat down on the couch facing Dr. Kroger and Monk. “One of the characters is an inside-out alien being.”

  “I see.” Dr. Kroger glanced at Monk. “And you find this behavior unnatural and distressing.”

  “They need to be institutionalized,” Monk said. “You can commit them, can’t you?”

  “Not unless they are my patients and I believe that they present an imminent danger to themselves or others.”

  “What if we were talking about a member of my family?” Monk asked.

  “Are we?”

  “My brother, Ambrose, is one of them,” Monk said. “He’s a member of the cult.”

  “It’s not a cult, Mr. Monk,” I said.

  “You said yourself that the show has a cult following, ” Monk said.

  “I didn’t mean that kind of cult,” I said. “I meant the good kind.”

  “There’s no such thing as a good cult,” Monk said. “Before you know it, you’re sacrificing goats, dancing naked in the woods, and selling cookies door-to-door.”

  “You think the Girl Scouts is a cult?”

  “Haven’t you seen the vacant look in their eyes?”

  “Everyone eventually gets that look around you, Mr. Monk.”

  “I thought Ambrose never left the house,” Dr. Kroger said.

  “He doesn’t,” Monk said. “He’s crazy at home.”

  “I think it’s great that Ambrose is a member of this fan club. You should encourage his participation,” Dr. Kroger said. “This is a very positive step for him.”

  “They speak a fictional language!” Monk said.

  “It’s a harmless bonding ritual and, in Ambrose’s case, quite healthy and perhaps even essential for his mental and emotional well-being.”

  “Harmless?” Monk said. “They save breakfast cereal for thirty years. Some of them have even had plastic surgery to give themselves pointed ears.”

  “Granted, that might be going too far, but it’s not necessarily a sign of a mental illness,” Dr. Kroger said. “Human beings have an instinctive need to belong to some kind of social group for their emotional and physical well-being and survival. They will go to extreme lengths to achieve this. Even you, Adrian.”

  “I don’t think so,” Monk said.

  “Your dream is to become part of the police department again,” Dr. Kroger said. “That’s a reflection of your need to belong to something.”

  “It’s a job,” Monk said. “It’s not a TV show.”

  “It’s a social group with its own culture, code of conduct, belief system, shared values, and common goals. Everyone wears a uniform or carries a badge so that they can be recognized as members of the group to their own members and to ‘outsiders.’ It’s not unlike the costumes that the science fiction fans wear. And like the fan club, they also provide an essential support system for their members.”

  “The police department enforces the law and maintains order,” Monk said. “That’s what they are supporting.”

  “They are also supporting each other,” Dr. Kroger said. “Just look at how Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher have supported you over the years. It’s because you are one of their own. Who supports Ambrose?”

  “Me,” Monk said.

  “Like you did this morning?” I said. “You completely dismissed his efforts to help.”

  “Because they were wasted efforts and no help.”

  “Everyone needs to belong to something,” Dr. Kroger said. “I have my family, I have friends, and I have my profession. That’s what defines me, gives me identity and a sense of belonging. Ambrose never leaves the house, so his desire to be part of something must be even more intense and even more difficult to achieve. I’m glad that he’s apparently found something.”

  “Why do you think Ambrose is so attracted to Beyond Earth and its fan following?” I asked.

  “Science fiction is a highly imaginative genre that isn’t restricted by reality or any of the rules of modern life. It has broad appeal but it’s especially attractive to people who, for whatever reason, have been marginalized or ostracized by society at large for their perceived physical, mental, or social imperfections. For them, it’s much easier to fit into a rich fantasy world where anything is possible than a real one that excludes them. I’m not at all surprised that Ambrose is drawn to it. It’s not just a support system, it’s also a means of escape.”

  I told Dr. Kroger about the reimagining of the show and the fervent opposition to it by the Galactic Uprising.

  “Do you think a fan would kill Stipe over the changes to Beyond Earth?”

  “I think people will kill over just about anything,” Dr. Kroger said. “But especially something or someone who threatens to totally destroy what they believe in.”

  “It’s a TV show,” Monk said.

  “To you and me it is, Adrian. To them, it’s their way of life.”

  “How do we rescue Ambrose from their clutches?” Monk asked.

  “It’s simple, Adrian. Become more involved in his life. The more he’s involved with you and others, the less he will need what the fan club gives him.” Dr. Kroger looked at his watch. “I’m afraid our time is up for today.”