For Renata

by B Robert Sharry

  "Inacio's family had emigrated some twenty years before, when he was six years old. Many people on the islands had relatives in the United States back then, but I would be the first from my family to move here. Once settled, it would be my responsibility to find a suitable husband for Branca, when she came of age.

  Now the hint of a smile came to Renata's lips. "But I loved Mateus. We had been inseparable from the time we were little ones. We went to school together, and we loved to spend time together—swimming, walking for miles and hours. Sometimes, at night, we snuck out to go to our Secret Place. We would lie on our backs, look at the night sky, and talk about our hopes and dreams.

  "For the next year I sulked. I wrote terrible, sad poetry. I listened to mournful Fado songs of despair. And I entertained the many romantic ways in which I would end my life in the name of love."

  She saw the shock that registered on Mark's face, and chuckled as she explained, "Girls of that age are often melodramático."

  After a short pause, her face turned serious again.

  "In a final act of defiance, I gave myself to Mateus one week before I was to leave for America.

  "I saw him only once more after that. I taught myself to hate him then. But now I know it wasn't meant to be."

  The old woman paused and bowed her head. Renie and Mark looked at each other and then returned their focus to Renata, who had started to speak again. "My marriage had been planned for the Saturday following my arrival in Gloucester. During the trip I had resigned myself to the arranged marriage and was determined to make a good wife and a good home for Inacio. But when I arrived, I learned that Inacio was ill with the rheumatic fever. The wedding was postponed until his recovery. At first, I was relieved."

  Renata looked directly into her daughter's eyes.

  "But my relief soon turned to panic as the weeks went by, and my "monthly visit" did not come. I had been too clever for my own good. Of course, it had occurred to me that I could be made pregnant, but I had assumed that I would be a married woman two weeks later. I had sinned and God was punishing me."

  The realization made Mark look for Renie's reaction. Her brow furrowed a bit but Mark couldn't tell if she fully understood what her mother was telling her.

  Renata took Renie's hands in hers.

  "What could I do? I begged Inacio's mother to let me help care for him. I did everything I could to speed his recovery. And I prayed that my sin would never be revealed.

  "As I nursed him, I flirted and stoked his desire for me. Fortunately, Inacio was young and strong and was eager to have me.

  "We married five weeks after my arrival. When my time came, I tried not to let my guilt show. Inacio accepted that Renie was born prematurely."

  Renie's mouth was agape and her eyes were fixed on her mother.

  "My mother-in-law looked at me with suspicion, but said nothing. My deception had worked. I was spared the humiliation of being labeled a whore and shipped back to Horta.

  "I was so thankful to God for a second chance that I vowed to be a virtuous and hardworking wife for Inacio. For a time we were a very happy family and, perhaps because I felt remorse for having betrayed him, I made myself love my husband. I know he loved me once."

  Renata looked at Renie. "And he loved you once too, meu coração, very much."

  Renata gave a heavy sigh. "But in time the truth was revealed."

  Chapter 56

  RENATA SAT AT THE kitchen table and examined her wrinkled hands as she told Renie and Mark about the day Inacio had learned that he was sterile. "The beating began on the drive home, and then continued in the kitchen. After a while he dragged me to the bedroom, stripped me of my clothes, and whipped me like a dog. He left me there while he drank whiskey in the kitchen, then he returned to beat me more. This he repeated throughout the day and into the night.

  "I remember thinking that I must accept my penance and give thanks that Renie was not there to learn the truth about me or the shame that I had brought to her. I wanted to die."

  Renata rose from the table and looked at the sea through the kitchen window. "I wanted to die, and Inacio wanted to kill me.

  "He came back for what I thought was another beating. But he held a knife this time instead of his belt. I thought, I'm only twenty-one years old, but now I will die and never see my Renie again. God, I know I cannot enter Heaven, but please don't send me to Hell. Please let it be Purgatory so that I may someday be with my daughter again.

  "I cowered naked in the corner of the room, closed my eyes, and waited for death. He grabbed my hair and set the knife against my throat. He put his mouth close to my ear and I smelled whiskey. He whispered, You deserve to die, whore. But you won't die this day. You will be the one who is barren. If you ever tell anyone otherwise, I will kill you. If you ever again become pregnant, I will slit your throats and drop you and your bastard bitch into the sea. Do you understand?

  "Yes, yes, I understand.

  "He wanted to kill me. I knew he did. It was his pride that saved me. He would rather let me live than have it be known that he was not man enough to father a child and that his wife had been with another.

  "Our bargain was struck. To the world, I would be the one who could no longer conceive. His reputation as a man would remain intact.

  "He said, Once a whore, always a whore. And then, for the first of countless times to come, he used my body in shameful, unspeakable ways."

  Renata paused, took in a deep breath, and turned to face Renie and Mark again.

  "Around the time my sin was discovered my sister, Branca, was ready for a husband. At first Inacio forbade me to find a husband for her, but I convinced him that it would appear odd if I did not arrange for a suitable match. Eventually, he allowed it but insisted that prospective husbands not include his family or friends.

  "The sister of a whore is likely a whore, he said.

  "At Our Lady of Good Voyage I was able to find Fabio, a kind man. Branca and Fabio made each other very happy until the sea took him some twenty years ago.

  "I often wished that the sea would take Inacio. I did not pray for it, though. God would not approve of that kind of prayer, and I hoped that He did not know of my secret wish. But God knows all.

  "As the years passed I kept our bargain. I accepted my torture as God's punishment. Perhaps, I thought, I may endure purgatory here on Earth. Perhaps God will see it that way too, and take me directly into Heaven when it is time."

  Renata's eyes became even sadder as she turned to look at Renie and addressed her alone. "But also, as time passed, Inacio's hatred of you grew. At first he shunned you but did not harm you physically. I could see the disgust in his face whenever he looked at you. I suppose you were, like me, a constant reminder of my treachery and of what he regarded as the challenge to his masculinidade.

  "As you matured, you grew to look more and more like the young girl I had been: The sixteen-year-old who had betrayed Inacio—even before we met—and had tricked him into falling in love."

  Renata turned to Mark. "Now his drinking was worse and the beatings more frequent. And they included poor Renie. I did the best I could to draw Inacio's wrath away from my daughter."

  Her voice choked with emotion. "It made me sick in my heart to know that she suffered for my sin.

  "When she was small—before my sin was known to my husband—she was light itself, happy and smiling from dawn to dusk. Then, in the blink of an eye, the man she thought was her papai spurned her. What is a little girl to think of that? How could she understand that the fault was not hers? There was no escape for this beautiful, innocent lamb."

  Both women had given in to tears. Renata opened her arms wide and Renie rushed into her embrace.

  "God forgive me, meu coração, I am truly sorry for how you suffered because of me."

  They held each other tightly for a long time. Renata broke away and cupped Renie's face in her hands for a moment before resuming her tale.

  "Because my husband was a fisherman, moments of re
lief were brief but frequent, particularly during trips to the Georges Bank, which would take him away for several days.

  "Still, we were prisoners of a sort. Although we had an automobile, Inacio forbade me from getting a driver's license. He or his uncle, Pio, would take me to church, to the market, and to family gatherings. When I was not here at Rose Hip Point, I was under constant surveillance.

  "The grounds of the lighthouse became my sanctuary. They were secluded and within walking distance. I could go there, lie down, look at the sky and pretend that Mateus was lying next to me. And I could write poetry.

  "Mr. Boino, the keeper before Peter, was a very kind old gentleman. I always enjoyed drawing pictures, and when Inacio was away and Renie was at school, Mr. Boino would teach me what he knew of painting. And he gave me the supplies I needed.

  "Mrs. Gallagher was also very kind to me. When Mr. Gallagher was alive, Bridey would come to Cape Ann for the summer and her husband would join her on weekends. But I did not come to know her well until her husband passed away and she came to Rose Hip Point to live the year round. I think she made an effort to befriend me because she sensed that my home life was not easy. I would go to her house and we would bake together. And as we worked, we talked of music, poetry, flowers, and other beautiful things. And we laughed. God, she could always make me laugh.

  "After Mr. Boino retired and Peter became the light keeper, I stopped going to the lighthouse grounds during the daylight, but would often walk there at night.

  "In Peter's journal he writes of the night he almost took his own life. I was there, outside in the cold. I saw him drape a rope across a ceiling beam—a rope with a noose on it. I did not know what to do. I ran down the lane to Bridey's and told her what was happening.

  "She acted strangely. She cried out something I didn't understand at the time: Oh God, Jack.

  "Then, even more strangely, she ran to the kitchen and came back with a pie and a box of tea. It was winter and very cold. She had stopped for pie and tea but no coat. She ran to the lighthouse so quickly that I had trouble keeping up with her. When we got to the lighthouse we could see Peter through the window. He was standing on a chair, the noose around his neck. Bridey pounded frantically on the door. Thank God Peter answered.

  "I waited outside in the cold for almost three hours for Bridey. I draped my coat over her shoulders as we walked home. She said, I think the danger has passed for now, but that poor boy needs help. Self-preservation is the first law of nature. If he wants to die, then his mind is not right, he's not thinking clearly. He needs a friend. And then she told me of the tragic death of her own son, Jack. I do not think Peter ever really knew what an anjo da guarda he had in Bridey, what a guardian angel we both had.

  "I had seen on his face the awful pain that Peter was going through. I did not know him, but everyone knew of him and what had happened during the war. I wondered if that was why he was so tired of life.

  "While Inacio was away or in a drunken slumber, I went to the lighthouse to spy on Peter night after night for weeks that winter. He seemed to improve after he saved two people from drowning. His face was not pinched in torment as it had been. I think he had found purpose. This I understood, for my purpose was my daughter. If not for her, I would certainly have fashioned my own noose long before then."

  Renie's head tilted and her lips quivered.

  "It would be another year and a half before Peter and I would meet. In the summer of 1974, Renie had begun to spend a lot of time sketching on the lighthouse grounds. She would come home in the late afternoon and tell me of the young man who was keeper and how nice he seemed.

  "You know from his journal that Peter and I met for the first time that September. Inacio was at the Georges Bank and Renie was back at school."

  Renata looked to her daughter with pleading eyes. "You must believe me when I say that I never intended or imagined anything more than friendship at that time. The memory of my first sin was always with me and I had no desire to bring more shame to my family.

  "But as Peter and I spent time together I began to rediscover feelings that were long lost to me, the way I had felt as a carefree girl with Mateus. My heart became lighter and raced with anticipation instead of fear. And I blushed with affection instead of shame. For the first time in a dozen years I heard words of kindness and encouragement instead of insult and blame.

  "God forgive me, I was so hungry for compassion and affection that I could not stop myself from loving this man. And what a man! Without an arm and an eye, still more of a man than any ten together I have ever known. You will never grasp the depth of his kindness and understanding from this journal. He was far too modest for that. Nor could you ever sense the depth of our feelings for each other.

  "It was the end of April, 1975. We were at the lighthouse and I told Peter of my sin because I did not want to keep secrets from him or to allow a lie to pass from my lips to his ears. Do you know what he said to me? You were guilty only of being a young girl in love. The God that I know would never punish a girl the way you have punished yourself. And He would never want you to be tortured by a sadistic husband. Go home, look at your daughter, and ask yourself: If Renie did the same thing would I want the rest of her life to be spent in a living hell? Does God not forgive, especially the young?

  "Go home, look at your daughter, and then forgive yourself.

  "I did. I went home and embraced my Renie and forgave myself. Forgiveness from within.

  "I gained new strength after that. Peter had implored me to take Renie and come to stay at the lighthouse under his protection until he could make arrangements for the three of us to move elsewhere and begin anew. But I did not have the courage. I was certain that Inacio would come to the lighthouse and kill us all.

  "We would have just ten more blissful days after that. On the evening of May third, Inacio was already drunk and in a foul mood when he came home. I knew what our fate would be for that night. When the violence started, I drew his attention to me and away from Renie. This I had accomplished before by baiting him with insults to his manhood. It would increase his fury, I knew, but aim his blows at me."

  The tears had stopped and Renata's voice was stronger.

  "Now you must read Peter's final entry in the Keeper's Log, and then the letter he wrote to me so long ago."

  Chapter 57

  May 4, 1975

  LAST NIGHT I WALKED down to Renata's house and stood in the lane, watching. It was deathly quiet for a long time before the yelling started. I heard the bastard's voice first, slurring his filthy words, and then I heard the smacks followed by screams. I wanted to break the door down and beat the shit out of him. But I didn't. She had begged me not to do anything. It would only make things worse, she'd said. The house went quiet again, so I had started up the lane for home when I heard the bastard yell, "Don't worry, I'll come back." as the front door creaked open...

  Inacio Raposo slammed the front door as hard as he could and almost broke the whiskey bottle he carried. He staggered down the steps and out to the lane, then turned in the direction of the lighthouse. Peter stepped back into the bushes and watched Inacio zigzag up the lane, stopping every once in a while for a chug.

  Then he started singing. "He's a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple lighthouse keeper."

  When Inacio got to the lighthouse, he quieted. He tiptoed up to the living room window and peeked inside. After a few moments, he shrugged and then staggered to the cliff's edge. He chuckled, tossed the empty whiskey bottle into the dark abyss, and unzipped his fly.

  Peter stepped quietly from the shadows. He looked at Inacio's back. How easy it would be—a little shove, and Renata's suffering would be over. He extended his right arm, locked it like a football player who is straight-arming, and started forward. But then he stopped. This would be murder. What would I say to Renata? Say to her! There would be nothing to say, I'd lose her forever.

  Just then, Inacio finished and pulled up his zipper. He turned around, and was startled to
find Peter staring at him from a few feet away. The fisherman recovered his composure and sobriety quickly. He tossed his head back. "Hey, Branquelo, I've been looking for you."

  Peter neither moved nor spoke.

  "I met an old friend of yours," Inacio grinned. "You remember Cindy. She told me she dumped you because you were not enough of a man for her. She said she needs a whole man.

  "She told me how you like my wife. I was laughing so hard I almost pissed my pants. I told Renata and she couldn't stop laughing either. She said What would I do with half a man?

  "Don't you know what a joke you are, Branquelo? No woman wants half a man.

  "I feel sorry for you but, still, this is a matter of honor. I can't let this go unpunished, even if you are a gimp."

  Inacio pulled a large switchblade from the back pocket of his blue jeans. He flicked the knife open and flashed a greasy smile as he tossed it from hand to hand and shifted his weight from foot to foot in a show of dexterity and balance. Peter's eye widened and he stepped back.

  "Don't look so scared, Branquelo," Inacio said. "I won't kill you this night. I'll just leave you with a few mementos, scars that will remind you not to fuck with a whole man.

  Then he shrugged, adding, "Or maybe I'll take your other arm. I don't know, I'll see how I feel."

  Keeping his eye on the knife, Peter took another step back. Inacio moved to his left, and Peter did the same. The fisherman grinned as he made feint lunges at Peter. He pretended to stumble, and followed with a lightning-speed backhanded slash that left a deep slice in Peter's right cheek.

  Peter tasted his own blood. Inacio continued to move left. The two men matched each other move for move in a circular dance. Peter's whole body stiffened when he realized that his heels were touching the edge of the cliff. For a split second he looked to his right and saw only darkness below.

  Inacio chuckled. He wagged his knife at Peter, and sneered, "This is your lucky day, Branquelo. All this excitement has my blood racing. I think I need to go home and fuck my wife's ass."