Mayhem

by Catharina Maura

  I inhale deeply. My heart aches. I’m so unhappy without her – I can barely get through my day without finding something I have to tell her about.

  “I miss you too, baby,” I murmur. “Shit, I think about you all day. I wonder what you’re doing and if you’re thinking of me. I keep imagining what it’ll be like when you finally join me here. By then I’m sure I’ll know all there is to know about LA. I’ll be able to show you around and I could walk you to your classes. I can’t believe I’ll have to wait two more years to share this with you.”

  Emilia sighs, her eyes filled with sorrow. “I can’t wait,” she whispers. “I’m working as hard as I can to make sure I get a full ride. Thanks to your dad’s endless speeches, USC is my first choice too. I really hope I’ll be able to join you in two years.”

  I bite down on my lip, hesitating. “Emilia,” I whisper. She looks at me and tilts her head in question.

  “I don’t know. I miss you, baby. I miss you so much. I hate the thought of being so far away and not even being able to call you mine. We can keep it from Kate if you want, but please, please tell me you’ll be my girlfriend.”

  She looks at me with wide eyes and I see the flash of excitement in her eyes. I know she wants to say yes, but then rationality overtakes her. She shakes her head even though her eyes are filling with tears.

  “Carter, I can’t. We can’t. Kate has been so vocal about her ending our friendship if I ever dated you. I can’t do it knowing that I’ll lose her. She’s my best friend, Carter. I can’t do this, no matter how much I might want to. And you know your mom doesn’t approve. She’s never asked anything of us before. I don’t think I could live with myself if I went behind her back like that. Could you? I think it’ll just destroy our relationship in the end.”

  I feel my anger rise, fueled by my helplessness. “So you’d rather lose me? Make no mistake, Emilia, things can’t stay the way they are now. I’m not going to pine after you knowing that you can’t even put me first. I need you to trust that Kate and Mom will get over it. They’ll be mad as hell for a while, but in the end, they’ll just want you to be happy.”

  Emilia shakes her head, a single tear dropping down her cheek. “No, they won’t. They won’t get over it, Carter. Kate especially will never forgive me.”

  I sigh and throw my arm over my face in an effort to hide my despair. “Minx... I can’t do this. I can’t go back and forth with you like this. I can’t keep waiting for you to finally realize how good we could be together. I can’t keep waiting for you to finally put me first.”

  She looks at me speechlessly. “What does that mean?” she asks, her voice trembling.

  I look away, unsure. “I don’t know, Minx. I guess it just means we move on. If you don’t want us to be together, then I guess we won’t be. I don’t want to, but I can’t keep begging you to be with me. You’ve made it clear where we stand and you’ve made your choice. I’ll respect that, Emilia, I’ll move on. I’ll forget we ever even happened, and with time I’m sure things can go back to what they used to be. That’s what you want, right?”

  I’m praying that she’ll say no, that she’ll say that this isn’t what she wants. That she’s changed her mind and that she wants to be with me after all. But she doesn’t. She’d rather lose me than risk upsetting my family. I wish I could hate her for it, but I can’t. It’s my own family she’s putting first.

  Emilia nods, and whatever was left of my heart shatters. “Yes, okay. Let’s do that,” she says. I nod. That’s it–we’re done. Now I just have to make myself believe it.

  Chapter 41

  Emilia

  I’m anxious, and I hate that I am. I’ve barely heard from Carter in two weeks. If not for the things Kate mentioned, I wouldn’t even know if he settled in well or not. I type and retype a text over and over again.

  Emilia: Hey, how are things going?

  I wait for a reply anxiously. He doesn’t text back until an hour later. I can’t focus on class at all because all I do is glance at my phone.

  Devil: Yeah good. How are things at home?

  I bite down on my lip and stare at my phone nervously. He’s asking how things are at home, he’s not asking how I am. I don’t really know how to keep a conversation going with Carter these days. It was so effortless when he first moved away. We’d text all the time, and he’d FaceTime me before bed every day.

  Ever since that conversation we had about calling things off he’s been distant. He’s kept his word, and he’s moving on. Part of me actually thought we’d stay close and that we’d still text all the time, but it’s quite the opposite. He barely texts and hasn’t called me once. I know I’m not his girlfriend, and I know I chose not to be, so I don’t have the right to now complain about it, but still.

  I’m filled with regret. Should I have said yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend? Would I be able to deal with the fallout that would definitely follow between Kate and me? Would I be able to live with the knowledge that I did the one thing Helen asked me not to?

  Emilia: Yeah, things are good! :) Send me some photos of your dorm! I heard you decorated it a bit?

  Carter doesn’t reply again for another hour. I don’t get it – does he send one text and then immediately put his phone away? He always used to reply to me within seconds. I can’t help but overthink things. Eventually he texts me back.

  Devil: Sorry, I’m so swamped with training and practice. My new coach is a lunatic. I barely have time to sleep between football and classes. I’ll send you some pics later.

  Emilia: Okay, don’t overwork yourself! Speak to you later :)

  I groan and drop my head to my desk. This is stupid. All my conversations with Carter are short and awkward. It’s usually me who’s reaching out, too. He warned me that he’d move on and I thought I’d be okay with it, but I’m really not.

  I sigh and start scrolling through my social media feed. I pause on a photo and stare at it with wide eyes, my heart sinking. Carter was tagged in a photo by some girl. His arms are wrapped around her and they’re clearly out somewhere since both of them have drinks in their hands. She’s smiling up at him and he’s grinning at the camera.

  All those evenings I spent waiting for a call or a text, and he’s just been going out drinking and hanging out with other girls. I guess I only have myself to blame – he asked me to make things official and I didn’t want to. He’s not mine. He’s not my boyfriend and he doesn’t owe me anything, but it still hurts like hell. I feel like I might burst into tears any second. I lost him, and it’s my own fault.

  I throw my phone in my bag when the bell rings. I feel stupid. I’m being stupid. Kate is already seated in the canteen and looks like she hasn’t slept in days. I guess Asher being gone is harder on her than she’s admitting.

  “Hey,” she murmurs listlessly.

  “Hey, what’s up? You look like a zombie, Kate.”

  She rolls her eyes and glares at me. “I just really miss Asher,” she whispers. “We said we’d stay friends and things have been going well. I speak to him all the time, but it isn’t the same. Asher and Carter have been going out almost every night with their new football team, and I hate it.”

  I nod in understanding and take a bite of my food, barely tasting it. All I can think about is the photo I saw earlier. He seemed so close to that girl and the way she was looking at him… I can’t help but overthink it. When he said he’d move on, I naively thought he meant he’d forget about his feeling and we’d go back to being friends. I didn’t think he’d actually get with anyone else. He hasn’t so much as looked at anyone in as long as I can remember. The only time I’ve ever seen him do that was with Gemma, and I’m pretty sure he did that just to make me jealous. This time, it doesn’t look like that’s his aim. It looks like he’s truly moving on, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

  “Hey, you’re Emilia, right?”

  I look up to find a guy I’ve never seen before standing in front of our table. I nod and he scratches h
is nose awkwardly. “I’m Landon,” he says. I nod again. Landon shifts his weight from one foot to the other nervously.

  “I— I…Uh, I just wanted to… I just wanted to introduce myself. I… I moved here a few months ago. I noticed you on my first day here and I just haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. So, I finally worked up the courage to talk to you but I don’t really know what to say. And I guess maybe... Do you think that maybe you could give me your number?”

  I blink up at him. He’s rambling like crazy, but rather than being annoying, it’s kind of cute. My first instinct is to say no. Though Carter and I aren’t together, it still kind of feels like we are. But then I think back to how short he’s been with me recently and the photo I saw earlier today. He’s moving on, and I need to try to do the same. If I don’t, I’ll end up pining after him while he’s getting with one girl after the other at USC.

  I nod at Landon. “Yeah, I guess I could give you my number,” I murmur.

  Landon grins at me and fumbles around with his phone before finally handing it to me. I type in my number and give myself a missed call before handing it back to him. He blushes and puts his phone away. He’s surprisingly cute. He’s not hot like Carter is, but he’s good looking and a little dorky.

  “I... uh, I will text you,” he says. He turns around and walks away, but he pauses two steps away from me and turns back. “Bye, Emilia,” he says. He turns around again abruptly and walks off in a rush.

  Kate bursts out laughing. “That’s one thing I forgot about, with Carter gone you might actually be able to date. Dude, you might not have to go to college still a virgin,” she says, elbowing me. I blush and shake my head. I feel bad for not telling her anything. She’s told me about every step she’s taken with Asher, but I’ve kept my own experiences a secret.

  “Maybe,” I murmur. I don’t really want to date. I just want Carter.

  Chapter 42

  Carter

  I’m excited as I walk into the house. It’s been months since I’ve been back and I’ve missed the hell out of everyone. I’m excited to be spending Christmas at home. Asher helps me carry my luggage in carefully, and I know he’s already looking for Kate. I don’t need his help, but he insisted, as though it’s not obvious that he just can’t wait for a single second longer to see my sister again. I thought he’d get over her at college for sure, but he hasn’t. I haven’t seen him look at a single girl in months. It’s like he doesn’t even register them. I haven’t been much better, to be honest. Every time I got close to sleeping with someone I ended up backing out. My Minx ruined me for everyone else. I’m excited to see her, and I’m excited to see what kind of shit she’ll get up to this time. I’m sure she’s been planning some absolute mayhem for me.

  I walk into my bedroom and stare out my window, straight into hers. I expected to find her studying at her desk, or maybe not even there at all. What I find instead is her in some other guy’s arms. She’s standing in the middle of her bedroom, her lips against his. The way she’s kissing him is passionate and eager, it’s obvious she’s learned a thing or two since I kissed her for the first time all those months ago. My heart feels like it’s been ripped right out of my chest.

  “Carter?” my mom says. She puts her hand on my shoulder and I drag my eyes away from the show Emilia is unknowingly giving me. My mom glances out my window and looks at me with wide eyes before abruptly pulling my curtains shut. She looks awkward and then looks away before clearing her throat.

  “How long has that been going on?” I ask, my voice low. Even I hear the barely restrained anger in my tone.

  My mother glances at me apologetically and I already know I’m not going to like the answer. “I think they’ve been together for two months or so?”

  I stare down at my shoes. “I’ve only been at college for less than five months,” I say, more to myself than to her. It’s no wonder she said she didn’t want to do long-distance. Was she ever even serious about me at all? It sure didn’t take her long to start dating. I guess with me out of the way, she finally got what she wanted. I still remember how distraught she was when I crashed her date with Tony. I want to be happy for her, but I just can’t. My heart feels fucking shattered. Maybe she was never really that concerned about Kate. Maybe it’s just me she didn’t want.

  “Come on, darling,” my mom says. “I made your favorite carrot cake.”

  I follow her down the stairs and try my best to smile. I don’t want her to find out that Emilia has hurt me. I don’t want Emilia to know either. She and I were never together, she made sure of it. It’s better this way.

  She mother fills me in on all the things I’ve missed, and it’s like I never even left. Just like usual, Emilia walks through the door around dinner time, but this time she has a familiar looking boy in tow. I think he was in her grade. At least this one isn’t scrawny as fuck. He’s got nothing on me, but at least he looks better than fucking Tony.

  Emilia freezes when she sees me standing in the kitchen, her eyes going wide. She looks so fucking beautiful. How the hell is she more beautiful than in my memories?

  “Carter,” she murmurs. It takes her a couple of seconds but then she walks up to me and hugs me. Her familiar smell assaults me and her body fits against mine perfectly. I stand there, frozen. I don’t even hug her back. She pulls away quickly and looks at me, confused.

  “Ah, Carter… this is Landon,” she says awkwardly. He steps up to me with a wide smile. “Wow, Carter Clarke. We’ve never met before, but I’ve always looked up to you. You were a legend on the field, man. You still playing? I mean, yeah, of course you are.”

  I nod at him and then glance back at Emilia, but she’s avoiding my gaze. “How do you and Emilia know each other?” I ask, needing to hear it for myself. I see a flicker of panic in her eyes before she looks back down. Landon throws his arm around Emilia and grins at me. “Oh, well, Emilia and I are dating.”

  I nod. “I see,” I murmur. “Well… welcome to the family, London.”

  He blinks. “Um, it’s Landon.”

  I walk away and plop down on my sofa, wishing I was back at college. I’m so irrationally angry. Emilia and I never promised each other anything so I shouldn’t be upset, but damn, I am. Fuck. It’s not like I’ve been a saint while at USC. I told her I’d move on, and I’ve tried my best to do just that. I’ve gone to parties and I’ve made out with girls, but I haven’t taken anyone on a fucking date. I haven’t given anyone my time or my attention, and I haven’t even slept with anyone. Meanwhile Emilia has been dating someone else. She wouldn’t be my girlfriend, but she’s happy to be someone else’s. My fucked up mind can’t help but wonder if he knows her body better than I do. If she’s done things with him she’s never done with me. If she’s been on dates with him that I’ll never get to take her on.

  Him being here means she’s obviously introduced him to my parents and her dad, so it’s serious enough. What the fuck was she thinking bringing him into my house while I’m here? Did she ever care for me at all? How could she possibly think this wouldn’t hurt me?

  Emilia walks up to me and sits down next to me, her thighs grazing mine. I glare at her and she shrinks back.

  “Landon?” I ask.

  She bites down on her lip and looks away as though she can’t face me. I sigh and shake my head.

  “I didn’t know you’d be back today,” she says, as though that makes anything even remotely better. Would she have kept it from me if I hadn’t found out today? I wanted to surprise my family and her by showing up a few days earlier than planned. Who would’ve known I’d be the one ending up surprised?

  “I hope you’re happy, Minx,” I murmur before walking away from her and straight out the door.

  Chapter 43

  Emilia

  Carter has been acting weird all week. We’ve barely spoken in the last couple of months, but I thought things would mostly go back to normal once he was back here. Instead he’s just been avoiding me. It’s like I don’t even e
xist. I should’ve told him about Landon, but it just never came up. All our conversations are a variation of ‘hey how’re you doing, I’m fine and you?’ Meanwhile he kept being tagged in photos with girls, though in most of them he’s with the same blonde. I’ve purposely avoided asking him who she is because I have a feeling I might not like the answer. One of the main reasons I started dating Landon is because of those photos, because of all the evidence that he’s moving on. That still doesn’t mean I’d ever want to confront him with Landon though.

  I don’t know what to do to make things better between us. I don’t want us to be estranged – I want to at least be friends with Carter. I rummage through my wardrobe and take out my prank box. Eventually I find what I’m looking for and grin. No matter how bad our arguments get, a good prank usually fixes things. I’m hoping that’ll be the case now too.

  I sneak into his bedroom with a handful of fake cockroaches. I know he hates them, but I have some fond memories of the last time I pulled this trick. I can hear his shower running and grin. He’ll get the shock of his life when he gets into bed later. If I’m lucky, he’ll keep his curtains open and I’ll get to witness his horror for myself. I place the cockroaches on his bed strategically. He’ll feel them before he sees them.

  The shower cuts off abruptly and I freeze. The door opens suddenly and I jump behind his curtain to try and hide myself. I never would’ve made it to the door. I stand as still as I possibly can. Usually he takes really long showers, so why the hell is he already out of there?

  I peek at him from behind the curtain and bite down on my lip when I spot him. He’s wearing nothing but a towel that’s hanging low on his hips. Just one tug would have the whole thing unravelling. I’m instantly wet and needy. His body looks even better than it did when he left. I guess he wasn’t lying about the training being tough. He’s all muscle. His pecs and his abs look good enough to lick, and I regret never having done that before.