Beautiful Oblivion

by Jamie McGuire

"What time is it?" I said softly.

  "Noon."

  "Really?" I said, sitting up.

  Trenton roused, and immediately checked Olive. "Whoa. How long have we been out?"

  "A little over three hours," I said, wiping under my eyes.

  "I didn't even know I was tired," Trenton said.

  Brazil smiled. "I didn't know you were dating the bartender. Kyle and Brad will be disappointed."

  I frowned at him. I didn't even know who Kyle and Brad were.

  "They can cheer up. We're just friends," Trenton said.

  "Really?" Brazil said, watching us both for signs of a joke.

  "I told you," Raegan said, standing up. Her tank top came away from her teeny-tiny pink-and-white-striped boxers as she stretched. "Brazil has a game at four thirty. You guys up for some Bulldog Football?"

  "I'm watching Olive," Trenton said. "We were going to ask Cami to come with us to Chicken Joe's."

  "Olive might like football," Brazil said.

  "Jason . . ." Trenton said, shaking his head. "Chicken Joe's outdoes a football game by like . . . a thousand cool points."

  "How do you know unless you take her to one?"

  "I have. She still hasn't let me live it down."

  "Is she your baby cousin or something?" Brazil asked. "Why is she with you all the time?"

  Trenton shrugged. "She had an older brother. He would have been fourteen today. She worshipped him. He was hit by a car on his bike a few months before they moved next door. Olive sat next to him while he took his last breath. I'm just trying to fill the shoes."

  "That's rough, man, but . . . and I mean no offense . . . but, you're a Maddox."

  "Yeah? So?" Trenton said.

  "I know you're a good guy, but you're a tatted-up, whiskey-drinking, foul-mouthed hothead. Her parents just let her get in the car with you?"

  "It was just a natural progression, I guess."

  "But . . . why is she your responsibility?" Brazil said. "I don't get it."

  Trenton looked down at Olive, who was still sound asleep. He brushed a wispy ash-blond strand from her eyes, and then shrugged. "Why not?"

  I smiled at his simple show of affection. "Chicken Joe's it is. But I'll have to cut out early to get ready for work."

  "Deal," Trenton said with a smile, as if it were the easiest thing in the world.

  "Well, I have errands to run," Raegan said.

  "I've got to grab some carbs and head to the field house," Brazil said. When he stood, he patted Raegan's backside, leaned over to kiss her, and then grabbed his wallet, phone, and keys before slamming the door behind him.

  Olive's eyes popped open.

  "Yay!" Trenton said. "She's awake! Now we can EAT HER!" He leaned over and pretended to bite her belly while tickling her.

  She giggled hysterically. "Nooooo. I have to peeeee!"

  "Whoa!" Trenton said, holding up his hands.

  "This way," I said, leading Olive by the hand to the bathroom in the hall. Her bare feet padded against the tile floor. "TP, soap, hand towel," I said, pointing to the various items.

  "Got it," she said. She looked so tiny standing in the middle of the bathroom. She raised her eyebrows. "Are you going to stay?"

  "Oh! No. I'm sorry," I said, backing out and closing the door.

  I turned and walked over to Trenton, who was standing in the walk space between the breakfast bar and the love seat.

  "She's pretty great," he said, smiling.

  "You're pretty great," I said.

  "Yeah?" he asked.

  "Yeah." We stared a quiet moment, just watching each other and smiling, and then a familiar feeling came over me, a tingling in my gut, and a warmth on my lips. I focused on his mouth, and he took a step toward me.

  "Trent . . ."

  He shook his head, leaned in, and closed his eyes. I did the same, waiting to feel his lips on mine.

  The toilet flushed, and we both pulled away. The air between us was suddenly thick and tense. As the anticipation of what we were about to do melted away, an overwhelming awkwardness replaced it.

  Olive stood in the hallway, staring at us. She itched her elbow, and then her nose. "Lunch?"

  I offered an apologetic half smile. "I need to make a grocery run."

  "Good plan," Trenton said, clapping his hands and then rubbing them together. "Supermarket?"

  Olive grinned from one ear to the other. "Can I sit in the basket that's also a cawr?"

  Trenton looked to me, while helping Olive with her coat.

  "Sure!" I said, realizing now why Trenton was so dedicated to making her happy. Making her smile was addictive.

  Olive did a little dance, and then Trenton began to dance. He looked absolutely ridiculous, so I joined in, too.

  We danced all the way out to the parking lot, with no music at all. Trent pointed to his Intrepid, but I stopped at my Jeep.

  "You always drive. I'll drive this time. I have more trunk space for groceries, anyway."

  "You don't have a trunk," Trenton said.

  "I have a trunk equivalent."

  "I have Olive's car seat."

  "It's fairly easy to switch out, isn't it?"

  Trenton shook his head. "I . . . have a thing. About riding with girls."

  "Is that because of Mackenzie, or is that a sexist remark?"

  "Since the accident."

  I nodded. "Okay, then. But you're going to let me reimburse you for gas."

  "You can pitch in for dinner," he said.

  "Rock on," I said, then I bent my elbow and held my fist in the air, lifting my index finger and pinky.

  Olive looked at her own hand and tried to do the same. "Wok on!" she said, once she mastered it.

  We drove to the store, and while we walked down the aisles, I felt very domestic, and it was a little exciting. Not that I wanted kids of my own or anything--yet--but doing something so mundane with Trenton was oddly exhilarating. But the feeling didn't last long. T.J. and I had never done anything like this, and now this simple grocery trip made me feel shame. Even though it made no sense whatsoever, a flash of resentment burned through my veins. I couldn't be happy with T.J., and now he was robbing me of happiness when he wasn't around, too. Of course it wasn't his fault, but it was easier to blame him than to acknowledge my own shortcomings.

  Nothing made sense anymore: why we were still together, why I was spending so much time with Trenton, or why I stayed in a barely-there relationship when I had someone who liked me--and who I liked--two feet away, just waiting for a green light.

  Most people would just give up, but they didn't have T.J. He had come into the Red one night, asked for my number an hour later, and in a few days we went on our first date. I didn't even have to think about it. Being with him just made sense. T.J. pretty much spent the next week and a half at my apartment, and then for the next three months, he flew home every other weekend. After that, his project began, and I'd only seen him a handful of times. I stopped in the aisle, pretending to look over the soups, but I was really frozen, wondering why I was so committed to T.J., when I wasn't even sure if we were in a real relationship at this point.

  T.J. hadn't texted me in three days. Before, I reasoned that he was busy with work. But suddenly, realizing what it was like to spend so much time with someone--and loving it--the sporadic texts, phone calls, and the hope of seeing each other one day wasn't enough. Not even close.

  "Chunky vegetable beef with brown gravy?" Trenton asked, holding up a large can. "This is good shit."

  I smiled and gripped the push bar of the grocery cart. "Throw it in. It's going to come in handy soon when the nights get even colder."

  "You can borrow me anytime. I'm perfect for sweater weather."

  "Be careful. I might hold you to that."

  "Don't threaten me with a good time." He stopped in the middle of the aisle. "Wait. Really?"

  I shrugged. "You were pretty comfortable today."

  "Comfortable? I'm fucking cashmere."

  I burst out l
aughing, and shook my head. We pushed the basket that doubled as a kid-size car while Olive pretended to steer and crash into things.

  "I bet your California boyfriend isn't as comfortable as I am," Trenton said as we turned down the deli aisle.

  "It's cold!" Olive said, pretending to shiver. Trenton shed his coat and draped it over her. I reached out for a package of deli meat and tossed it into the basket.

  "I don't know," I said. "I don't really remember how soft he is."

  "What is that like? Being with someone you never see?"

  "Military wives do it all the time. I don't really see a point in complaining."

  "But you're not his wife."

  "Not sure how I could be if we don't see each other more often."

  "Exactly. So, what keeps you going?"

  I shrugged. "I can't put my finger on it. There's just something about him."

  "Does he love you?"

  Trenton's direct and very personal question made the muscles in my neck tense. It felt like an attack on our relationship, but I knew those feelings of defensiveness were so strong because Trenton was asking questions that I had asked myself many times. "He does."

  "But he loves California more? He's in school, right?"

  I cringed. I didn't like talking specifics about T.J. T.J. didn't like me talking specifics, either. "It's not school that keeps him there. It's his job." Trenton shoved his hands into his pockets. He was wearing a brown leather cuff around his wrist, a brown leather braided bracelet, and the bracelet Olive had made for him. "Do you ever take Olive's bracelet off?" I asked.

  "I promised her I wouldn't. Don't change the subject."

  "Why do you want to talk about T.J.?"

  "Because I'm curious. I want to know what makes you stay in a relationship like that."

  "Like what?"

  "Where you're not a priority. I don't get the sense that this guy is an idiot, so I'm trying to figure it out."

  I bit my lip. Trenton was being endearing and making me feel sick about T.J. all at the same time. "It's kind of like you and Olive. It might not make sense to people standing on the outside, and it sounds weird even when he tries to explain, but he has responsibilities that are important."

  "So are you."

  I leaned into his side, and he put his arm around me, squeezing me even tighter.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  After ham and cheese sandwiches, a movie, and a short trip to Chicken Joe's, Trenton and Olive were on their way to her house, and I was on my way to the Red. I could see my breath as I walked to the employees' side entrance, and kept my coat on until more bodies filtered in and warmed the bar.

  "Holy flippindip!" Blia said, rubbing her hands together as she passed by. "It's colder than a frog's ass in January!"

  "And it's only October," I grumbled.

  The Saturday night crowd never came in, and three hours after we reported for work, it was still dead. Raegan propped her chin with her fist, and clicked the nails of the other hand on the bar. Two guys were playing pool over by the west wall. One of them was wearing a Legend of Zelda T-shirt, and the other guy's clothes were so wrinkled, he looked like he'd dressed straight from the dirty laundry hamper. They weren't the sort to attend an underground fight, so it wasn't hard to guess what had stolen our business.

  Raegan's regular, Marty, was sitting alone at her end of the bar. He and the pimply faced boys at the pool tables, they were our only patrons, and it was ten o'clock.

  "Goddamn it. Goddamn those fights. Why can't they have them during the week when it won't cut into our tips?" Raegan said.

  "They'll come after, and then the whole bar will be one big fight, and you'll wish they had all stayed away," I said, sweeping the floor for the third time.

  Kody walked by, glancing at Raegan from the corner of his eye. He depended on being busy to get through a whole night of Raegan being across the room. He had been moping around for two weeks, and taking his frustration out on the drunken idiots who dared fight on his side of the bar. The Wednesday before, Gruber had had to pull Kody out of the heap. Hank had already spoken to him once, and I was afraid if he didn't snap out of it soon, he was going to get fired.

  Raegan glanced over at him, just for a moment, when she was sure he wasn't looking.

  "Have you talked to him?" I asked.

  Raegan shrugged. "I try not to. He makes me feel like an asshole when I'm not talking to him, so I'm not eager to start a conversation."

  "He's upset. He loves you."

  Raegan's face fell. "I know."

  "How are things with Brazil?"

  Her face lit up. "He's busy with football and Sig Tau, but there's a Valentine's date party. He asked me yesterday."

  I raised an eyebrow. "Oh. So it's like . . . this is serious."

  Raegan pulled her mouth to the side, looked at Kody, and then looked down. "Brazil was my first love, Cami."

  I reached out and touched her shoulder. "I do not envy you. What a shitty situation."

  "Speaking of first loves . . . I think you're his," she said, nodding toward the entrance.

  Trenton strolled in, a big smile on his face. I couldn't help but match his expression. From the corner of my eye, I could see Raegan watching us, but I didn't care.

  "Hey," he said, leaning forward against the bar.

  "I thought you would be at the fight."

  "Unlike boyfriends in California, I have my priorities straight."

  "Very funny," I said, but my stomach fluttered.

  "What are you doing later?" he asked.

  "Sleeping."

  "It's really cold outside. I thought maybe you'd need the extra layer."

  I tried not to smile like an idiot, but I couldn't help it. He was having that effect on me lately.

  "Where the hell did Ray sneak off to?" Hank said.

  I shrugged. "It's fight night, Hank. We're dead. I can handle it."

  "Who fucking cares where she is?" Kody said. His arms were crossed as he leaned his back against the bar. He was watching the near empty room with a frown on his face.

  "Did you get that job?" Hank asked.

  "No," Kody said, shifting.

  Hank put his hands on each side of his mouth in an attempt to amplify what he was about to yell, and then took a breath. "Hey, Gruby! Send Blia over here to cover for Raegan while she's outside, would ya?"

  Gruber nodded and walked toward the kiosk. I cringed, wishing Hank hadn't reminded Kody and everyone else that Raegan was likely outside, talking to Brazil.

  Kody's entire face crumpled.

  I felt bad for him. He hated the job he once loved, and none of us could blame him. Hank had even given him a good reference for the hardware store where Kody had applied.

  "I'm sorry," I said. "I know it's hard for you."

  Kody turned to look at me, a wounded expression on his face. "You don't know shit, Cami. If you did, you would have talked some sense into her."

  "Hey," Trenton said, turning around. "What the fuck, dude? Don't talk to her like that."

  I motioned for Trenton to stand down, and I crossed my arms, ready for the full force of Kody's frustration to blow my way. "Ray does what she wants, Kody. You of all people know that."

  His jaws danced under his skin, and he looked down. "I just . . . I don't get it. We were good. We didn't fight. Not really. Stupid shit about her dad sometimes, but most of the time we had fun. I loved spending time with her, but I gave her space when she needed it. She loved me. I mean . . . she said she did."

  "She did," I said. It was hard watching him talk. He was leaning against the bar like it was hard to stand.

  I reached across to put my hand on his shoulder. "You're just going to have to accept that it doesn't have anything to do with you."

  He shrugged away from me. "He's just using her. That's the worst part. I love her more than my life and he doesn't give a shit about her."

  "You don't know that," I said.

  "Yeah, I do. You don't think the guys at Sig Tau talk, C
ami? You don't think they're discussing your drama, too? They're worse than the Cap Sig girls, sitting around gossiping about who's fucking who. And then it trickles down to me and I have to hear about all of it."

  "My drama?" I glanced around. "I don't have drama."

  Kody pointed at Trenton. "You're racing toward it at ninety miles an hour. You shouldn't mess with that, Cami. They've been through enough."

  Kody walked away, and I stood, stunned for a few moments.

  Trenton made a face. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

  "Nothing," I said. I kept my face smooth, pretending that my heart wasn't trying to beat through my chest. T.J. and I weren't exactly a secret, but we didn't broadcast our relationship. I was the only one from our little town that knew the nature of his job, and it was important to him that we kept it that way. A little bit of knowledge led to questions, and avoiding questions meant keeping secrets. It really hadn't been that big a deal because we'd never given anyone a reason to talk about us. Until now.

  "What's he talkin' about, Cami?" Trenton asked.

  I rolled my eyes and shrugged. "Who fucking knows? He's just mad."

  Kody turned around and touched his chest. "You don't know what I'm talking about? You're not any better than her, and you know it!" He walked away again.

  Trenton was completely confused, but instead of sticking around to explain, I pushed up on the hinged piece of the bar, let it slam down behind me, and followed Kody across the room. "Hey. Hey!" I yelled a second time, jogging to catch up to him.

  Kody stopped, but he didn't turn around.

  I tugged on his shirt, forcing him to face me. "I'm not Raegan, so stop taking your anger out on me! I have tried to talk to her. I was rooting for you, damn it! But now you're being a whiny, pouty, intolerable asshole!"

  Kody's eyes softened, and he began to say something.

  I held up my hand, not interested in what was likely going to be an apology. I pointed at his broad chest. "You don't know dick about my personal life, so don't ever talk to me like you do. Do we understand each other?"

  Kody nodded, and I left him standing in the middle of the room to return to my post.

  "Fuckity squared," Blia said, her eyes wide. "Remind me to never piss you off. Even the bouncer is scared of you."

  "Camille!" a voice said from the other side of the bar.

  "Oh, hell," I said under my breath. Out of habit, I tried to make myself small, tried not to be noticed, but it was too late. Clark and Colin were waiting patiently for me on Blia's end of the bar. I walked over to them and faked a smile. "Sam Adams?"