Everyone takes a cocktail from the tray and Barney raises his glass. ‘To Sam.’
‘To Sam,’ the rest chorus.
‘I can’t believe we’re losing our star employee,’ Patrick says, taking another sip of his drink. My stomach starts to tighten. Oh god, this conversation is heading towards dangerous territory.
‘I know.’ Ethan wraps his big hand around mine. ‘We don’t want to lose her either. It’s a shame you can’t keep her on.’ He laughs. It was a flippant remark, but Patrick’s face is one of confusion.
‘Haha, well he can’t,’ I blurt, hoping Patrick takes the hint but it doesn’t come out in the light-hearted way I intended it to.
‘I tried my best to keep her but she’s a tough nut to crack. I even offered her dental.’ Patrick takes a sip of his cocktail. It’s like slow-motion as I watch Ethan’s expression change from one of jollity to one of confusion. My throat feels thick and I can’t swallow. As I glance around the table, I notice Barney and Harry’s faces have taken a similar turn. My chest clenches and I don’t quite know what to do or say.
‘Guys, I …’ When I speak, Ethan looks at me with deep hurt in his eyes. I can’t bear it.
‘I’m sorry, I have to go pick up Lexi. She’s expecting a picnic on the beach,’ Ethan says, standing up. A shard of glass pierces my chest. He’d planned that for me. As he walks off, I freeze before running after him.
‘Ethan, wait!’
He turns to look at me, his eyes watery and full of sorrow. ‘Why did you lie to me?’
‘I didn’t, not really, not in the bigger picture. I told you I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I told you that this … thing between us was just temporary. The way I chose to live my life eight years ago hasn’t altered.’
‘You told me there was no way you could stay for a little while longer. You lied to me.’
I bite down on my lip. His face is twisted with anguish. I hate seeing him hurt like this. It hurts me and I’d do anything to take his pain away, but I know what I’m going to say next might as well be a twist of the knife.
‘Ethan, we can’t be anything. I like you, and I don’t doubt that I could fall for you, but it isn’t what I want, not really. My heart belongs to someone else. At some point down the line, I’d realise that and end up hurting you more.’
He looks like he’s about to protest but exhales instead. Then he gives a small nod of his head. ‘Whatever. Look, I don’t expect you to leave your life in London for me. I’m not mad at you for turning down the job, because that’s your decision. I just wish you’d been upfront about it in the first place. Instead, you gave me some kind of hope that maybe there was something between us, but you knew all along there was nothing.’
‘Ethan.’ I sound pathetic.
‘Those two guys in there are going to feel the same. They showed you so much kindness, and you weren’t honest with them either.’ His mouth is set in a hard line. ‘You pretend you’ve got this tough shell, that you’re preserving the memory of Kevin and you’re all noble and shit, but you know what, you’re just scared. You’re scared of letting anyone in. You’re fooling yourself like you’ve fooled yourself for the past eight years and now you’re running away from me like you ran away from your parents because you can’t face anything head-on.’
He might as well have stabbed me in the chest – it would have been less painful.
‘I’m so sorry.’ My voice is a pathetic whisper.
‘I wish you’d never set foot on that ferry from Boston.’ With that, he turns and storms off. There’s a sharp pain in my chest as a wave of emotion hits me. Tears fill my eyes and I start to sob uncontrollably. I want to run after him, but what’s the point? He hates me and the bottom line is that I’m leaving. This is too confusing. I need to go home where everything makes sense.
Chapter 33
I slump against the wall. I don’t know how long I’ve been out here, and I don’t want to go back inside the bar to face Barney and Harry, but I haven’t really got a choice.
‘Arrgh!’ I yell.
‘You alright, honey?’ a man in higher heels than I could ever wear asks as he walks past. I nod and force a smile, so he continues on his way.
Wiping my eyes, I head back into the bar. I’m met with two frowning faces and a look of utter confusion from Patrick, who looks at me and then back to them before standing up.
‘Look, I’m sorry I misread that situation. I hadn’t expected … well, you know.’ He pats me on the back. ‘I’m going to go pack. I’ll see you later.’
Barney and Harry look like the air has been squeezed out of them, they can barely even bring themselves to look at me. I sit down opposite them. ‘Guys?’
They both stare at their almost empty cocktail glasses.
‘It doesn’t matter that I turned down the job. I was always going home and nothing serious was ever going to happen with Ethan. You know that.’
They both shuffle uncomfortably. ‘We know,’ Harry says eventually.
‘So why are you so upset?’
‘Because you didn’t tell us about the offer, and because you hurt Ethan.’ Barney fiddles with the base of his glass.
‘But why would I tell you if I wasn’t even considering it?’
Silence.
‘And the reason I didn’t tell Ethan was because I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t think he’d find out about the job offer and I wanted to keep things casual and uncomplicated.’ I look between each of them for a response but neither one replies. ‘You know what? I need to pack too.’ I stand up. It’s not the way I wanted to leave things, but what choice do I have?
‘Sam, wait,’ Harry calls. When I turn to look at him, he casts Barney a nervous glance.
‘We don’t want you to leave on bad terms.’ He holds his arms out, and I step forward so he can wrap me in a hug. I squeeze him tightly.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper.
‘We’ll miss you so much.’
‘I’ll miss you too.’
‘And me.’ Barney stands and wraps both Harry and me in his arms, and for a moment, we stand there, embracing.
‘Ethan will get over it. He just really likes you, and you make such a sweet couple,’ Harry says when Barney frees us from his grip.
We did. The thought is tinged with so much sadness. ‘I’d have loved to say goodbye to Lexi, but I can’t go and see her now.’
Barney rubs my arm and purses his lips. ‘I’m sorry, honey.’
‘It isn’t your fault. You’re right, I should have been upfront. I see that now.’
‘Ethan will calm down. Write to him and Lexi when you’re back home, once he’s had a chance to cool off.’
I nod; that’s a good idea. ‘Yes. I’ll do that.’
Since the picnic has been cancelled and there’s little more to say to Barney and Harry, I decide to go back to the hotel. ‘I’m going to go and pack too. But I’ll miss you guys so much. Definitely come and see me in London.’
Barney’s eyes glisten. ‘We will. I’m going to miss you too.’
Harry leans forward and kisses me on my cheek. ‘Me too. Look after yourself, Sam.’
‘You too. Look after each other, and Ethan.’ They nod, and I kiss them both before saying a final goodbye.
When I leave the bar, I feel hollow.
Back at the hotel, I glance at my clothes strewn over the little chair in the corner, the towel in a crumpled heap on the bathroom floor, and my beauty items scattered around. The thought of having to pack it all away daunts me. So instead, I take a small bottle of rum and a can of Coke out of the minibar and sit out on the balcony. There are some paddleboarders out, and a few swimmers, and some small boats bob around nearer to the horizon. The sun has started to head towards the west, and it casts its golden glow across the water. It’s not just wonderful people I’ll be leaving behind. It’s this too. I sip my drink. It’s strong. I wish I’d gone to get some ice.
There’s a knock at the door, and my heart leaps. Could it be?
I jump up, straightening my clothes and hair as I dash to the door. I take a deep breath before I open it.
‘Patrick?’ My heart sinks.
‘Sorry to disturb you. I was just booking a table for dinner and wondered if you’d like to join me at around seven? We can wrap up this week in style and it can be my way of apologising for causing a problem earlier.’
‘I’m sorry, Patrick, I’m tired and you don’t need to apologise. It’s my fault.’
‘No worries.’ He gives me a knowing look. ‘Are you okay?’
I nod, then close the door and slump against it.
Chapter 34
The following morning, I wake up feeling a little more hopeful. I had an early night; thankfully, I managed to drift off. I think I was so drained after everything that happened, my body needed to reboot. As a result, I’m feeling better, brighter. There’s a small ember of hope that Ethan will come to say goodbye today. Leaving on good terms is all I can really hope for.
I have breakfast, if a tiny nibble of a pancake constitutes breakfast, then finish my packing and find myself waiting in the lobby for Patrick with ten minutes to spare, so I chance a look at my phone.
Nothing.
There’s still time.
‘Morning, Sam. All set?’
Patrick settles the bill with the company credit card, and then we head to the pier in silence for the ferry ride back to Boston. As we walk down the wooden boards of the Macmillan Pier, I can’t focus on looking straight ahead. My eyes dart about, searching for Ethan amongst the crowds. I know I’ve hurt him, but surely he wouldn’t let me go back to England without a proper goodbye.
People are already boarding the ferry, and Patrick joins the line and my heartrate picks up. I can’t go yet. It’s too soon. There’s a man walking down the pier. I squint, he’s a big build, athletic with brown messy hair. My heart skips. As I watch him hopefully, willing him to get nearer so I can see properly. He joins a woman at the end of the queue and my insides turn to a solid, heavy rock. It isn’t him.
‘You’re miles away,’ Patrick calls, his voice further away than it should be. I turn around to see the queue has moved on. The man behind me clears his throat impatiently, so I walk on, still scanning the crowds for Ethan. There’s still time. We’re walking down the ramp to the jetty now. Still no sign. The queue moves quicker, and I’m swept along, but if I just caught a glimpse of Ethan, I’d go against the tide, I’d catch a different ferry. I walk up the gangway. In a few more steps I’ll be on the boat; if he’s coming, he’s almost too late. A crewmember greets me onboard as I take another step.
It’s too late.
I sit outside, where I can still see the pier. The last few passengers board, and the crewmembers remove the gangway. A horn sounds, and we’re off.
And just like that, it’s all over.
Chapter 35
When I was a child, I used to wonder if the world was black and white in the ‘olden days’, because that’s how old movies were. When I emerge from the Underground, it’s like I’m in one of those movies. Everything is monochrome. The Thames is a murky brown-grey. The sky is a pale white-grey, and the damp, soggy buildings are just grey. The kaleidoscope of colour I’d become accustomed to in the States has gone, and I can’t help but wonder whether stepping back into my past was so necessary.
When I get into the lobby of the office building I work at, the theme continues: grey suits and shift dresses, black suits and shift dresses. I’m thankful for the sight of our quirky receptionist, who almost always dresses like a rainbow.
I check my emails. Hundreds. There’s one from Patrick saying that he hopes I got home safely. He’d tried to convince me to stay once more. Once we got back to Boston, I had one more day in the office before I flew home, and he spent most of it trying to convince me to take the job. He thought I’d made some good friends there and was a much happier person than the one who arrived. But what did he know? I told him I was happy to be going home and that I was miserable when I’d first arrived because I was homesick. It couldn’t have been further from the truth.
Tony perches on the edge of my desk. ‘I can’t believe you came back here.’
I roll my eyes.
‘You’re single, you live alone, you have no ties and you had the chance to move to Boston and you turned it down.’
Word travels fast. ‘You heard then?’
‘Yes, Patrick let slip that he’d offered you the job the day before we were due to fly back. The rest of us were on eggshells for that last afternoon, wondering who else he’d offer the job to instead.’
I shuffle in my seat. Any one of those blokes would have sold a kidney to take that job, but I know he didn’t offer it to anyone else. He’d already told me that he’d created the role for me and they didn’t really need anyone else. He’d called it a shift in resources. In the end, he asked if I’d be happy to give input on US campaigns remotely, and I agreed.
‘I was just lucky Rocks liked my ideas.’ I wave my hand dismissively.
‘You made yourself heard, and I think Patrick liked that too.’
‘Maybe not at first, though.’ I wink.
He shakes his head. ‘I still can’t believe you didn’t take the job.’
I just shrug. There’s no way I’m getting into it with Tony.
At lunchtime, I go downstairs to meet Bridget.
‘Finally, you can take that cat back!’ She greets me with two air-kisses.
‘That cat you’ve had in every Instagram picture you’ve posted over the past three months?’ I say dryly.
‘I suppose she’s cute!’
‘How’s the world of accounting?’ I ask.
‘Never mind that, how was the rest of your trip? I want to know everything, apart from all the work stuff.’ She lifts her over-sized mug and sips her cappuccino.
‘Cape Cod is beautiful. It’s got that lazy, beachy American feel to it, like the movies always portray – clapboard housing, unspoilt, rugged shorelines, a nice breez—’
‘Enough about clapboards and breezes. I want to know about the men.’ She snuggles back into her seat, ready for a long and juicy story.
I knew this was coming and in all fairness to Bridget, she’s even waited long enough that I’ve had time to take a bite of my sandwich. Marriage must have calmed her down. ‘There were men there, lots of men in fact. There’s a large gay community in Provincetown.’
‘Funny.’ She bangs her cup down. ‘Tell me about Ethan.’
Kind, sexy, toned … perfect. ‘What is there to say? He’s gorgeous, we had a bit of a holiday snog, and now I’m back.’ As I sip my coffee, one of the other guys, Dave, from the Boston trip walks past.
‘Hi, Sam. Can’t believe you’re back here. Who turns down a chance like that?’ He shakes his head with disbelief and walks off.
‘What was that about?’ Bridget asks.
‘Oh, nothing.’
‘It’s not nothing. Why wouldn’t a colleague expect you back? What was the chance you turned down?’ She rests her elbow on the table and props her head up in her hand. If I don’t tell her, she won’t drop it.
‘Okay,’ I sigh. ‘I was offered a permanent position in Boston.’
‘What?’ Her eyes practically jump out of their sockets.
‘The team over there liked my work, and Patrick, my US boss, asked if I’d consider joining them, but obviously, I said no.’
‘Obviously.’ Her tone is laced with sarcasm.
‘I can’t just leave the UK. This is where I live.’ I laugh nervously.
‘You live by yourself. You can do that anywhere in the world.’
I try to appeal to her sentimental side. ‘I’d miss you.’
‘And?’
I forgot she doesn’t have a sentimental side.
‘And, I’d miss you. Isn’t that enough?’
‘Nonsense.’ She waves her hand dismissively. ‘You didn’t even call when you were there. There’s more to this than you’re letting on, and I know it�
�s to do with that guy.’
I can’t bear to hear her call him ‘that guy’. ‘Ethan?’
‘That’s the one.’
‘It’s not as simple as that. He’s part of the reason. Things were getting complicated between us, and I did call you, by the way.’
‘Things were getting good!’ Bridget says sharply. ‘And you hardly ever called me.’
I inhale noisily through my nose in the hope she gets the hint to drop the conversation.
‘You can’t do this forever, you know.’
‘Do what?’
She leans forward and looks me directly in the eye. ‘This silly self-preservation act, where you push people away.’
Her words remind me of the last thing Ethan said to me and I’m suddenly not hungry. I look at my watch animatedly. ‘Oh dear, my lunch break is over. I’ll catch you another time.’ I lean over and kiss her on the cheek as she scowls at me.
‘I’m not finished with you,’ she says.
‘Bye.’ I wave as I walk away.
Chapter 36
It’s been a week and a half since I arrived back in London, and life has almost fallen back into place. I haven’t heard anything from Ethan, but I have had a few text conversations with Barney and Harry.
They haven’t mentioned Ethan, and I haven’t asked. It’s better this way. I was going to take on board their advice and write to him, but somehow I haven’t found the courage. Today though, that changes. I hate to think of hurting him, and I need to tell him how sorry I am. I’ve bought a little card from an independent card shop near my flat. It’s plain, thick cream card and has a blue sequined dolphin on the front, which I hope will soften him a little. I take my favourite gel pen out of my desk drawer and start writing.
Dear Ethan,
I pause, tapping my pen on the desk whilst I think of what to write, but it’s no good. It’s like when I tried to write to my parents back in Provincetown. I’m just useless with words. I stuff the card and pen in my bag and get on with my work.
***
The following Saturday, Bridget invited me over for dinner with her and her husband. When the time comes around, it surprises me that I find myself hoping she’ll cancel. Bridget is my best friend, but since I got back things have been different. Obviously, she’s spent the last three months with her new husband, and I’ve not been around. I’m not blaming her for the fact she no longer wants to go for drinks after work five days of the week or shopping on a Saturday, but I suppose I feel a little … cut out. It’s nobody’s fault, and I know I’m being childish, but I thought I’d come back to England and slot right into my old life. Viv and Sarah are preoccupied with their partners too. I suppose I’ll just have to get used to these differences.
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