Oh no, no, no. We’ll look like fools. ‘Perhaps if Lexi was with us, but two grown adults can’t ride this.’
‘Of course, we can. It’s iconic.’ He pulls me inside towards the ticket counter, where we join a small queue of families.
‘I can’t believe you’re making me do this,’ I whisper as he buys our tickets.
‘Stop worrying about what other people think.’
We stand by the gate waiting for the carousel to come to a stop. It’s not even a very big carousel, and the horses don’t move up and down like modern ones. It’s definitely meant for kids.
I choose a light brown horse on the outside, and Ethan goes behind me. ‘You need to try and catch the brass ring,’ he says as the ride begins to turn.
‘What brass ring?’ I ask, before noticing the boy in front grabbing at an arm sticking out of the wall. On our next rotation, I’m poised and ready, and when we come up to the arm, I reach out, grabbing the ring.
‘Yes!’ I shout.
To my surprise, I enjoy riding around on the wooden horse. Those few moments of the breeze blowing my hair give me a chance to be alone with my thoughts. Well, as alone as I can be with Ethan filling my head.
‘Admit it, you loved every minute of that,’ Ethan teases as we climb off.
I smile. ‘I suppose I enjoyed it more than expected, and I won this,’ I say, waving the brass ring in front of him.
‘You’re quite competitive really, aren’t you?’
I pull a smug expression. ‘Only when I’m winning.’
I give the ring to the child who was sitting in front of me and tried to catch it.
‘You just gave away your free turn!’ Ethan says.
‘What can I say, I’m competitive and generous.’
The bright sunlight stabs my eyes when we step outside, so I scramble around in my bag for my sunglasses whilst Ethan pops to a nearby ice cream parlour to get us each a chocolate ice cream in a waffle cone. We walk towards the beach to eat them.
‘There are better beaches than this, you know,’ Ethan says as we arrive at the skinny strip of sand packed with tourists. Half a bench becomes free when a woman and a child stand up, so I dive on it, scooching up so that Ethan can squash onto the end. It’s hard to eat my ice cream whilst being pressed up against him, but his skin prickles mine with warmth and the awkward eating is a small compromise.
‘I’m sure there are but this one was close by.’
‘A low-maintenance date. I like it.’ He nudges into me playfully.
A date? I’m on a date, I remember. I say the words in my head and they flow with surprising ease. A comfortable silence ensues whilst we sit, looking at the boats, birds and people.
‘This is perfect.’ I lick a dribble of ice cream off the side of the cone and catch Ethan watching me. ‘Well, I’m not going to waste good ice cream.’
He laughs.
‘Are you looking forward to getting back to London?’ His tone is casual, but I sense a pensiveness.
I nod as I swallow a chunk of cone. ‘I suppose so. It’s a completely different kind of place. It’s so bright and colourful here, and London is so dull and grey, but there’s always something to see or do. It’s my home and I’ve always been happy there.’
‘It’s your home,’ he echoes and squeezes my knee. I can’t help but think about Patrick’s offer and I get a pang of guilt. ‘C’mon, I have an idea.’
He pulls me back towards the shops and we stop at a car rental agency. Funnily enough, there are a few Jeeps outside; that car should be the symbol of Cape Cod.
‘We might as well see the island,’ he says as he comes out swinging the keys.
I jump in the passenger seat and open the illustrated map. ‘We have to see the beach Jaws was filmed on. Oh, and the bridge,’ I say excitedly, and Ethan laughs.
We drive past Ocean Park, which, if you excuse the brightly painted wooden houses around it, looks very English. ‘This reminds me so much of being a kid,’ I say. For a moment, I feel a little nostalgic when I think of going to the seaside with my mum and dad when I was little. ‘My parents used to take me to the seaside in the summer.’
‘Great memories hey?’
I nod but Ethan’s focus is on the road ahead.
‘Are you going to go see your parents when you get back to England?’
The question is like a blow to the abdomen. Obviously, I’d been considering it, but Ethan doesn’t know that, and nobody else knows anything about my parents, so it makes me uncomfortable to be quizzed about them.
‘You can talk to me, you know,’ he prompts, but it’s not permission to talk that I need, it’s some sort of instruction book – Reconciliation for Dummies.
I look out across the water stretching as far as the eye can see. ‘I’ve been thinking about it.’
‘That’s good.’ He glances at me before looking back to the road ahead. ‘I think if you don’t, a day will come when it’s too late. You can’t turn back time, but you can work with what you have right now. I don’t know them, but I’m sure they’ll just be relieved to have you back in their lives.’
His words bounce around my ears and mix with the reverberation of the wind before I let them sink in. I know he’s right about going to see them, but, after all this time, I’m not sure he’s right about the reception I’ll get.
‘Did you not feel like pushing everyone away after losing Nicole?’
He slips his hand from the gearstick and entwines his fingers with mine. ‘All the time. The difference was that I had a baby to think about. I needed to take all of that help people were offering.’
‘I’m a horrible person, aren’t I?’ I’ve reflected enough to know that I am. Just spending time with Lexi yesterday was enough to show me how heartbreaking it would be for Ethan if she grew up and disappeared one day without so much as a goodbye.
‘Don’t say that. We all respond to grief differently, and our priorities don’t often sit within the “be a good person” category when we’re hurt. We lash out at those closest to us. Maybe it’s our natural instinct to protect them from our pain or something. I don’t know. You acted out of grief, but you have a chance to put it right.’
‘Over eight years later? I’m not sure they’ll listen.’
‘It’s better than not at all.’ He squeezes my hand, and I know he’s right. ‘C’mon, I have an idea.’
We continue down Seaview Avenue, which lives up to its name. The thin strip of road is surrounded by water on either side, and a gorgeous golden sandy beach runs down the length of the left.
‘We’re here,’ Ethan says as he pulls the car over at the side of the road.
‘Where?’
‘That’s Joseph Sylvia State Beach.’
‘The Jaws beach?’
He shakes his head ‘Yes the Jaws beach … and I thought you were a Jaws fan?’
‘I am,’ I protest. ‘It looked further away on the map and, in my defence, it may have been the Eighties when I last saw the film.’
‘Well, you’re on the tour now, ma’am.’ He jumps out and I follow.
‘I can’t believe I’m actually here,’ I say. ‘And it is a gorgeous beach.’
‘Let’s take a walk then. Unless you fancy a swim?’
‘I might dip my toe in, I don’t think my new tea towel is up to drying two grown-ups.’
After a paddle, we stroll the surprisingly quiet and unspoilt coastline as I’m hit with a bit more of that Eighties nostalgia mixed with some stomach-stirring memories of being in the sea with Ethan yesterday.
‘There’s nobody around.’ He pulls me into him. ‘Which means I can do this.’ He presses his mouth to mine and runs his hands down my back. Cupping my bottom, he lifts me up as the rhythm of our lips picks up pace. I want to wrap my legs tighter around him but I’m scared of cutting off his circulation.
We drive a little further down the road, taking in the stunning views of the beach, which still runs alongside us. Then I notice the bridge.
‘I do recognise that,’ I say. A handful of people have gathered by the rail and are peering over the edge. ‘You don’t think there’s something in the water, do you?’
‘What, like Jaws?’ he jibes as he pulls the car over.
‘Funny,’ I say dryly. ‘What are they doing then?’
‘They’re jumping in. It’s a thing.’ As if on cue, a young woman climbs over the wooden fence and plunges into the water below as the others cheer. ‘Want a turn?’
‘Ha, no thanks.’
‘That no towel thing is really holding us back today,’ he says.
I watch another person plunge in to the sound of squeals and it reminds me of how routine my life has become. Kev had been the Yin to my Yang in that respect. I’ve always played things safe unless he encouraged me to do something daring. Perhaps it’s time I did something brave for myself. I know I’ve spent three months in another country, but I’m still doing the same work for the same company. It wasn’t really very daring. This looks fun and I should start having more of it.
‘Actually, I think I will jump in.’ I smirk.
‘You’re kidding, right?’
‘Nope.’ I open the car door. ‘Are you coming?’
He follows me as I walk past the ‘No Jumping’ sign onto the wooden walkway of the bridge. It isn’t a high bridge by any means, but the thought of jumping off it is still a little daunting. But after all my big talk, there’s no way I can back out now. I take off my sandals and place them near the edge. As Ethan crouches down to take his trainers off, I watch a few more jumpers. It’s unnerving that most of them scream as they’re doing it. I climb onto the wooden rail and stand up straight. It seems even higher now.
‘Three.’ I glance at Ethan, who wears an expression of bemusement crossed with something that looks a little bit like fear. ‘Two, one!’ I grab my nose and plunge into the freezing water before I have a chance to chicken out. When I come up, there’s a second splash, and Ethan surfaces next to me with a ‘Whoo!’
‘That was fantastic,’ I say, almost trembling with adrenaline, and perhaps borderline hypothermia. I can’t believe I just did that. My heart is racing.
‘You don’t think there are sharks in here do, you? Maybe we should get out of the water just in case.’ A sudden tension forms in my chest.
‘We do get them.’ He starts to look from left to right, nervously. ‘In fact … Chief?’ he yells. ‘Chief Brody?’ he yells again and people are starting to look.
Chief Brody as in the main character in Jaws. Very funny!
‘Shhh, you absolute knob!’ I splash him and he bursts out laughing. ‘Now I’m getting out just so nobody thinks I know you.’
We swim over to the side and climb over some rocks to a sandy beach. It’s even colder once we leave the water, and my saturated dress clings to me.
Ethan shakes his head to dry off, like a wet dog. ‘You surprised me back there.’
‘I may never get the chance to do that again,’ I say, with a sad realisation. ‘I thought I should live for the now and at least I have a cool story to tell.’
He takes both of my hands and kisses me. His lips taste salty. ‘This is living for the now.’
I close my eyes and lift my face to the sun, enjoying the fullness in my chest for a moment. I need to spend more time ‘living for the now’.
As we head back towards the car, I pick up my bag, which I’d dumped near the ‘No Jumping’ sign. ‘I think we need evidence of this moment.’ I take out my phone and hand it to Ethan, expecting him to take a picture of me, but instead, he pulls me into him and takes a selfie of us both.
By the time we get back to the car, I’m shivering uncontrollably.
‘Take my T-shirt, you look freezing.’ Ethan hands me the T-shirt. His body is almost dry, bar a few glistening droplets.
I put it on and slide the spaghetti straps of my dress off before pulling it down and wriggling out of it. When I climb into the Jeep, I tie it around the roll bar. Ethan looks at me and raises an eyebrow.
I shrug. ‘It will dry off.’
‘I know that. It’s the half-naked girl in my car I’m having trouble with.’ He flashes a mischievous grin.
‘Well, don’t go getting any ideas, Mr!’
We carry on towards Edgartown where we park up. I put my still-damp dress back on, and we take a walk up to the lighthouse and sit on its concrete base.
‘I can’t believe I’m going to lose you in a few days,’ Ethan says, putting his arm around my back and squeezing me tight to him.
It’s come too soon. My heart aches for a few more weeks. ‘We knew it would happen. You said—’
‘I know what I said. It doesn’t make it any easier. I just wish you could stay a little longer so we can figure out what’s going on between us.’
I swallow the word ‘nothing’. It seems too harsh, but it also doesn’t feel as right as it should. That word could have tripped off my tongue a few weeks ago but now, the deceit of it chokes me.
‘Is there no way you could extend your stay, for just a few weeks? Could you talk to Patrick?’
My stomach rolls. ‘I really wish I could. My visa is up. Immigration will be banging on my door come next Sunday.’
He traces my arm with his finger until he lands on the heart of my charm bracelet. ‘It feels wrong to let you walk away.’
I raise my eyebrow.
‘Not “let you”. You know what I mean.’
Of course I knew what he meant. I needed to stall because walking away does feel wrong but I can’t admit that to Ethan. Nor can I tell him I had the option to stay – it will only hurt him, knowing I’m turning my back on him. ‘Leaving you is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but we knew what we were getting into.’
He squeezes me in his arms again as we look across the sand, to the blue water of the Nantucket Sound beyond.
The drive back to Oak Bluffs is quiet. As are the ferry ride to Falmouth and the long drive back to the tip of Cape Cod. I sense that Ethan is angry that I’ve not tried harder to stay for a while, but he shouldn’t have asked me to. It isn’t fair – I’ve only just come to terms with our arrangement, and now he wants to dial up the intensity and move the goalposts. I try and block the whole thing out as we make our way back to Provincetown, but the problem is, the feelings Ethan’s having are echoed inside of me. Spending time with him hasn’t felt like I’ve been cheating on Kev like I thought it would, it hasn’t felt wrong, yet I know I have to go back to England. Being with Ethan this week has felt safe because I haven’t had any false expectations. What if there was no end date and I expected him to be around forever? What if I expected him to be around forever and then one day he was gone? I can’t go through that again.
A ball of emotion flares up in my throat and as I choke it back, tears prick my eyes. I turn my head to the side so Ethan doesn’t notice.
‘Goodnight, Sam.’ He leans across the armrest to kiss me on the cheek. A huge part of me wants to ask him in, but it’s late, and it would send out the wrong message.
‘Goodnight, Ethan.’ I climb out of the truck, and before I close the door, I pop my head back in. ‘Patrick and I are going to view the stills in the morning, but I’m free in the afternoon. It would be great to see you, Lexi, Barney and Harry one last time before I go.’
‘I wouldn’t miss it,’ he says with a sad smile.
‘See you, and thanks for today. I loved every minute.’
It will stay in my memories forever.
Chapter 32
After a few hours of work at the hotel, I check my phone. There’s a message from Ethan asking me to meet him, Barney and Harry at a beach bar near the harbour.
‘Since it’s our last day and we’ve got a lot to celebrate, I thought we should go for a drink,’ Patrick says before I can make my excuses to leave.
‘Oh.’ He picks up on my tone and his expression falters and I feel bad blowing him off, especially after we’ve worked together so well this week.
‘I was just about to head out to meet some friends, but you should come along with us,’ I say, trying to mask my disappointment.
As Patrick and I walk to the bar, he talks animatedly about the project, and how thrilled Karma and Peace will be with our final campaign. I can’t help but brim a little with pride. I have my rung on the ladder and it’s much further up than I could have anticipated. It won’t be long before Rocks trainers will be seen everywhere, and I’ll always know that I played a part in that.
The closer we get to the bar the more apprehensive I feel. This is the last time I’m going to see Ethan. Butterflies tied up with little knots fill my stomach.
‘Hi, everyone.’ I feign a cheery tone as we find the others at a table near the water’s edge. I do all the introductions, then Patrick heads to the bar.
‘Sam!’ Barney says. ‘I can’t believe you’re leaving us tomorrow.’
‘Me neither, but it had to come to an end. I’m just glad I met you guys.’ I reach across the table and grab their hands. ‘All of you.’ I look meaningfully at Ethan.
‘Barney and I have talked, and we’re going to try and visit London in the winter, so you’ll have to show us all the sights,’ Harry says.
‘And of course, we’ll be stalking you on social media,’ Barney adds.
‘Of course, and likewise.’ I laugh at the honesty we share.
Patrick returns with some interesting pink cocktails with sparklers in. ‘The barman said if I was at this table, I had to get these.’ He shrugs, placing the tray down.
‘Glad he was listening,’ Barney mumbles.
‘They’re special cocktails. We’re calling them The Sam,’ Harry says.
‘The Sam?’ I say, picking one up and taking a sip. ‘Oooh, sweet.’
‘Yes, sweet like you, but there’s a hint of chilli in there because we think you’ve got a kick to you.’ Barney gives Patrick a pointed look which, fortunately, he doesn’t seem to pick up on.
I take another sip. ‘Mmm, I taste it now. I like it. Thank you, guys. I’ve never had my own cocktail before.’
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