Holding Out for You

by Anna Paige

  “But since the incident on the beach, I’m terrified. Your father has had to physically take my phone to keep me from texting every fifteen minutes. I wake up with cold sweats from dreams so horrific I can’t even begin to describe them to you.” More tears landed on my hair and by now my own tears were falling into her lap. Still, I said nothing. She needed to get this out, and I was a shitty daughter for making her wait this long for the opportunity.

  “Something you have to understand about being a parent is the absolute best you can hope for is that your child will outlive you by several decades. The circle of life. The best-case scenario, and thanks to my anxiety, whenever I thought about you and Becker roaming this earth for years and years without me, I would be heartbroken. Heartbroken to think that one day many, many, many years from now you would leave this earth without me there to hold your hand. It devastated me to think that in those last moments you might wish for me and I wouldn’t be there.”

  She paused to compose herself for a moment and I hugged her so tight I was sure she’d have bruises, not that she seemed to mind. “Now I realize there’s something far worse than all of that. The idea of you leaving this world before me, of me having to walk this planet without you or your brother makes me physically ill. I’d sooner rip out my own beating heart and offer it up to whatever gods would listen than see one of you hurt, much less . . . killed.” She literally choked on the word and I had to sit up and pat her on the back as she fought for breath.

  “We’re here, Mom. Becker and I are okay.” It was my turn to pull her head onto my shoulder and rub her back. “We’re not leaving you.”

  “That boy on the beach could have taken you away,” she snuffled pitifully, and my heart broke into a million pieces.

  “I know, Mom. But he didn’t. And he won’t. We’re going to be fine. All of us. You’ll see.”

  I sat there holding my mom as she cried it out and thanked God that no one had filled her in on Tommy’s background. If she found that out, there was no way she would ever let me out of this room.

  “Becker and Ash have been staying insanely close to me and Charli. They sleep at our apartment, check in constantly while we’re at school, and we’ve got the restraining order that says Tommy can’t come within fifty yards of us at any time.”

  “Restraining orders are bullshit, Blair,” she sniffled and shook her head against my shoulder.

  “You sound like Ash,” I told her with a soft snort. “And like Ash, you should note that my bullshit restraining order appears to be holding up just fine given that no one has heard a peep out of Tommy since his arraignment.”

  “A piece of paper will not stop a determined person. Period. You’ve been fortunate, is all. Perhaps he’s hoping to keep his head down so that it doesn’t get bashed in by someone seeking retribution.”

  “Aside from me, the other victims only had minor inconveniences to contend with, nothing worth bashing his head in over.”

  “Think what you want, but Cody’s family is livid, and you can bet your ass your father is just spoiling for a fight, so that boy better not crawl out of whatever hole he’s burrowed in before trial or your daddy is gonna save the state a lot of time and money.”

  “Jeez, that sounds exactly like something Ash would say. And do.”

  “He’s taking good care of you, isn’t he?” It wasn’t really a question, more a random musing, but I answered her anyway.

  “Extremely good care. He loves me, Mom. And he’s not letting anything happen to me. So, you and Dad can relax.”

  She snorted and sat up, wiping her eyes even as she rolled them at me. “Oh, yeah. That’s gonna happen.”

  “Well, you can still worry because that’s kind of what you do, but you can at least take it down a notch. Ash and Becker are sticking to us like glue. That should at least let you sleep a little better.”

  After a moment of consideration, she nodded. “It will. But I still want more contact with you. I know you had that big exam to study for all weekend, but that’s over and I want my twice a day check-ins or I’m fighting Becker for your couch.”

  Cue instant guilt.

  “Actually, I wasn’t studying all weekend. Becker just didn’t think it was his place to tell you . . .”

  “Tell me what?” she asked with narrowed eyes.

  I winced as I announced, “That Ash and I were at Phil’s cabin all weekend.”

  Her face went completely blank for a moment and I sat there, heart hammering as I waited for her wrath.

  To my surprise, she smiled and nodded toward the bedroom door. “If your dad asks, you were studying. Let Ash be the one to fall on that grenade with him.”

  “As long as you’re sure Daddy won’t take a swing at him. You did say he’s spoiling for a fight.” The idea of putting off the conversation was appealing, but I wouldn’t risk Ash having to fend off my father just so I could save the discomfort.

  “Not going to happen. Your father is incredibly thankful to Ash. What he did for you will give him a lot of leeway in this house for a very long time.”

  I nodded, relieved to hear the absolute certainty in her voice.

  “Not to dwell on the unpleasant, but have you given much thought to the trial?” Her question made me cringe, and her arms tightened around me.

  “Honestly, I’ve been purposely forcing it from my head when I can.”

  “And when you can’t?” she prodded, a knowing look in her eyes.

  “Nightmares. Cold sweats. Feeling physically ill.” She nodded at each item on the list as I ticked them off. “But more than anything, I feel so . . . pissed off. Incredibly pissed off that I feel ashamed, that the idea of having to recount what happened on the beach is embarrassing and mortifying, as if I have any reason to feel that way.”

  I could feel my blood pressure rising, my face going red and hot tears of rage welling up as a scarily violent surge of anger washed over me. “He hurt me, and I have to suffer for it over and over. Relive it over and over. With the nurses at the hospital, with Jake at the station, with Ash—having to explain my bruised breasts where that son of a bitch bit me. And the final ‘fuck you,’ is having to tell it all over again in open court, where every gossip and busybody in this shithole town will be perched like birds on a fence just waiting for court to let out so they can chirp the details of my near-rape all over town. And it all feels like a judgment on me, a continued punishment for something I’ve done wrong and I hate it.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, sweetheart.”

  “I know. It’s irrational. And I hate that too, because I know better, but it’s like I’m not in control of my responses or emotions when it comes to this situation. With very few exceptions, I’ve kept my wits about me my whole life. I’ve never been particularly impulsive, and I’m not overly emotional, as a rule.”

  “You’re like your brother that way. And, clearly, you both get it from your dad because I’m batshit and not scared to say so.”

  I actually laughed in response to that, both at the sentiment and her continued use of foul language. “Well, if that’s the case, I think the batshit gene was passed down to me and is now ruling the roost.”

  “You’re not crazy, you’re just processing a really awful situation as best as you can. No one can tell you how to react or feel or recover from something like this, and no one is judging you.”

  “Ash said something along those same lines the other night.”

  “He’s a smart guy,” she said, rubbing her hand up my arm and squishing the hippo’s giant marshmallow teeth with her free hand. “I bet he’s not the least bit put off by your batshit gene, either.”

  I chuckled as I reached up and whisked away the remaining angry tears that had spilled over during my rant. “I suppose not. He’s got a touch of it himself, sometimes.”

  “Then the two of you should get along just fine, despite the dozens of memories I have of the two of you wanting to kill one another as kids.”

  “Oh, I’m sure I’m
not done wanting to strangle him, but I’m definitely done denying that he’s all I’ve ever wanted. Batshit crazy and all.”

  “Then I couldn’t be happier for you both.” She stood and motioned for me to follow. “Let’s wash our faces and go bail out poor Charli before your dad bores her into a coma with his stupid mole stories.”

  I chuckled as I followed her out, still hugging the stuffed hippo to my chest.

  Turned out, the real comfort I was needing was just a long heart-to-heart with my mom.

  I guess there are some things you never outgrow.

  Blair

  In true Mom fashion, she fed me and Charli until we were about to pop, which lasted all of an hour. Afterward, she hurried off to get ready for a couple’s card game with some of Dad’s friends. I hadn’t called ahead, of course, so I had no idea they had plans.

  Instead of lingering, Charli and I decided the gap in our schedule would give us time to run back to the apartment and get some much-needed cleaning done. There was laundry to be done from the weekend and the dishes in the sink needed to be washed before they drew a flock of seagulls into the apartment.

  I was on the verge of texting Ash to let him know when Charli snorted and looked over at me from the driver’s seat. I had let her drive us today since I was exhausted. “If you tell him we’re headed home alone, he’ll be there before we are.”

  She had a point. I loved how protective he was, but the fact he set a specific time meant he was busy until then and I didn’t want to disturb him for no reason. “Okay, but as soon as we get the apartment halfway presentable, I’m letting him know where we are.”

  “Whipped,” she teased, shaking her head. “Must have been a damn good weekend.”

  “One minor ankle injury aside, it really was.”

  “Injury, huh? What’d he do, bang you right off the damn bed?”

  “Charli!” I slapped her arm and laughed. “It was nothing like that. Actually, the ankle nearly kept me from getting laid at all. Truth be told, I had to fake that it was feeling better just so he’d touch me.”

  “I thought I saw you limp a little on campus today.”

  “Dear God, don’t tell Ash. It’s still tender, but I’ve been playing it off like I’m fine. It’s hard to keep it up a hundred percent of the time, but I think I’ve done okay. Mom was the real test. She can usually spot the tiniest of injuries from a mile away. Her hyper-vigilance means she doesn’t miss much.”

  “Bet her anxiety has been through the roof lately. I’m surprised she didn’t give you a full physical or something, just to be sure.”

  “Me too,” I replied, thinking I definitely had lasting scars from what happened, they just weren’t physical. “But she got some reassurance from knowing Ash was taking care of me.”

  “Wonder how reassuring your dad will find it,” she quipped, pulling into her assigned spot in the parking lot.

  “Dad loves Ash. He’ll understand . . . eventually.”

  She grabbed the huge bag of food Mom made us bring home and grinned at me over the roof of her car. “I’d still pay good money to be a fly on the wall when Ash tells him about you two.”

  “We might as well bring you and Becker along for that convo. Safety in numbers and all that.”

  She laughed in agreement.

  We headed upstairs, locked the apartment up tight, got some music playing through the sound bar in the living room, and got to work.

  An hour later, the sheets were in the dryer, the kitchen was spotless, and there wasn’t a speck of dust to be found anywhere.

  Charli decided to grab a shower while I finished the windows in the living room. I’d just opened the two huge windows that overlooked the parking lot when I spotted Ash’s truck parked in one of the other tenant’s spots. I had to shake my head. He was going to be hearing about that from whomever lived in that unit.

  And he was early, which meant he’d get to see me in all my furniture-polish-smelling, dishpan-handed glory.

  Instead of rushing to change, I tossed the glass cleaner back under the kitchen sink, dropped the used rags in the hamper, and cracked open a beer while I waited for the knock at the door.

  I figured there was no reason to put on airs anymore. He’d seen me naked—from pretty much every angle—so why should it matter if he saw me with dust in my hair, sporting a cleaning solution cocktail for perfume?

  The shower in the hall bathroom was still going, so I peeked my head in and told Charli, “Looks like Ash is here early, so don’t be doing the naked dash to your bedroom, okay?”

  She poked her head out from behind the curtain and I laughed. There was a mountain of foam on her head and shampoo bubbles running down her face as she closed one eye and said, “Thanks for the heads-up, but I actually remembered my clothes for once. And before you two disappear into your room for a little nookie, don’t forget your linens are in the dryer.”

  “Noted. But with Beck probably right behind him, we wouldn’t have time for that anyway. I’m sure they’re both excited for us to see their new place.”

  “I’m just excited that Beck seems intent on staying here.” She ducked back behind the curtain before I could catch her expression, but I knew her well enough to know how relieved she was.

  “Me too,” I said just as I heard Ash at the door. “Shit, I have the chain on.”

  “Go let the Adonis in,” Charli chirped from under the spray. “I’ll linger a while, so you have some privacy.”

  Like she wasn’t going to linger anyway.

  Her hour-long showers were the highlight of her day.

  I could see the lock in the doorknob turning—he had a key—even as I stepped up to the door and called, “Hang on, Ash. I have to disconnect the chain.”

  I reached up and slid it free then flipped the deadbolt before Ash had the chance. Taking a quick look in the mirror over the foyer table, I scoffed at my messy hair and jerked the door open.

  I was met with a stern expression and narrowed eyes. “You should always ask who’s there before you open your door, Blair. Anyone could be on the other side.”

  I backed up a step and sucked in a breath past the knot in my throat. “Tommy.”

  Ashton

  Craig should have gotten a job at the damn DMV.

  He moved at a snail’s pace with zero concern for the time of others.

  I checked my phone for the fifth time in as many minutes, letting out another long-suffering sigh as he methodically read—and explained—every line of the damn lease like he was talking to two kindergartners. According to him, it was policy and since he’d been reprimanded in the past when a tenant was able to have a pet despite the no pet policy because he failed to get them to initial that particular spot on their lease, he was methodical to the point of exhaustion whenever he did paperwork.

  I was ready to strangle him.

  Becker was ready to strangle him.

  Had the damn Pope been there, he too would have been ready to strangle him.

  “Can we move this along, please? Both Becker and I are college educated and capable of understanding a basic, standard lease. Just let us sign and be done with it. I’ve got to get upstairs to the girls.” I was past the point of tact.

  Craig looked up at me with a scowl. “You have no idea the trouble I got into when that couple in 6D made a fuss about that stupid rat terrier of theirs.”

  “Neither of us has a dog or intends to have a dog,” Becker cut in. “Honestly, Craig. We’re not going to make trouble for you. We just need to get done here so we can get back to Blair and Charli.” He leaned in and lowered his voice, using his Mr. Reasonable voice. “You know about what happened at the beach, right? It’s been all over town.”

  Craig nodded with a touch of sadness in his eyes. “Yeah, scary stuff. I bet they were shaken up pretty bad.”

  “Still are,” I added tersely. “And they don’t need to be home alone while he’s out there roaming around.” I held up my phone and pointed to the time. “They should be here an
y minute. I need to be there when they get home.”

  We seemed to be getting through to him, but he still looked unsure. “I have to walk you through the apartment and take inventory of any issues before I can leave.” He thought for a second before adding, “But I guess I only need one of you to sign off on that. Here,” he said as he handed me the lease. “You sign your part and head upstairs. I’ll do the walkthrough with just Becker. That sound okay?”

  Beck looked like he wanted to argue, but I cut him off. “One of us being there is better than the girls being alone.”

  He wasn’t happy about it, which he made clear when he shot Craig the glare of a thousand deaths, but he also knew I was right. “Fine. But stay there with them until I get there. No blabbing about the apartment early.”

  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. “Whatever you say, bro.”

  “And stay the hell off my sister!” he called out after me.

  When I turned back to flip him off, he was doing that shuddering thing again.

  Poor bastard.

  I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when they find out we’re going to be living downstairs.

  I was all but giddy as I made my way down the long corridor toward the stairwell. Bouncing on my heels, smiling like an idiot. If anyone had told me a month ago that things would have turned out this way, I would have laughed myself to death.

  I never expected to end up back here, not this way. Not with Mom and Phil reconciled, with me and Beck finding the perfect apartment, and definitely not with Blair-star-of-my-wet-dreams-Martell on my arm and in my bed.

  I stepped onto the third-floor landing, pulled open the metal door with the huge number three on it, and thought to myself that it all felt like a dream. Like I should be pinching myself to be sure this was really my life.

  Then, when I was ten feet from Blair and Charli’s partially open front door, a scream rang out, a chill shot up my spine, and the dream I’d been so eager to embrace turned to a blood-curdling nightmare.