T is for Time

by Paul Vayro

  Chapter Thirty Seven

  Coincidence released Fut’s news to the room. It created a wave of thoughtful silence. Coincidence used the time to find a seat. Zarg and Brick had secured an armchair each, a sofa lay between the two; They and Spiritwind at either end. The furniture allowed an uninterrupted view of the television from any position, although the only thing on at the moment was the standby light. The arrangement equally allowed social interaction should the occupants wish for a night of light chatter. The general feel of the room was down to the female of the house. As she approached a pension age her tastes had turned to flower themed decorations and family photographs. The cabinets and shelving had been with her throughout life rather than replaced. They shone with history, aided by a thorough polish at least once a week. Coincidence took in the ambience as he moved towards the middle cushion of the sofa.

  “May I?” Spiritwind’s foot encroached on the centre of the settee. Coincidence requested its removal.

  “I’d rather you didn’t, but if you feel you must.” Spiritwind replied with begrudging co-operation.

  “This is a three seater isn’t it?” Coincidence relied on fact.

  “My dear friend Coincidence, you have much to learn in the world of comfort. A three piece settee is not designed for three people to actually sit on. One person is perfection, two is acceptable to a point, but three just ruins it for everyone. Nobody’s comfy on a full capacity sofa.”

  “That’s why I always go for the chair. The room's limited but it’s all yours. Any loss of comfort is due to your own strategic errors.” Brick tried to help by voicing his opinion. He didn’t know why, his opinion rarely helped things.

  “Would you rather I sit on the floor?” Coincidence could see the fuss wouldn’t go away.

  “I’d rather have a room with five sofa’s but that isn’t going to happen is it. I just thought I’d mention it for future reference.” Coincidence sat down, careful to remain within the confines of the centre cushion. Having nowhere to rest his arms left them upon his knees, his back stuck perfectly upright. It was a textbook sitting position, and in terms of posture excellent, but it felt truly awful. “I might sit on the floor actually.” Coincidence slid on to the floor and spread himself across the carpet. Spiritwind offered an apologetic but knowing smile as he recaptured his previous position.

  “So what are we going to do?” Coincidence continued to act as chairperson.

  “You’re talking about the cacklejack aren’t you? Not the seating plan?” Brick had a comment prepared for either.

  “Yes. It’s probably better we deal with the twenty foot spider first.” Coincidence rocked on his elbows in search of a comfortable point of rest.

  “We’re going to have to get rid of it. The Jefferians won’t come out until it’s gone.” Spiritwind spoke sense from his zone of comfort. He continued with a suggestion on how to achieve such a thing. “If it’s lost its wings then we’re dealing with a straightforward spider, only a twenty foot one. So let’s try and forget its size, which is a little cliché if you ask me. Twenty foot spiders are very 1950’s horror.”

  “Hello. Little green alien with antennae named Zarg.” Zarg waved from his chair. “Those clichés are based on fact more often than you think. How do you think they become the generally accepted view?”

  “By people perpetuating the myth and failing to investigate the truth?” Spiritwind found a caramel chocolate he’d been saving for a debate.

  “Or because the cliché is virtually the truth!” Zarg stood his ground.

  “You sound like They.” Spiritwind hid behind a veiled insult.

  “Is that what I sound like?” They felt ready to learn.

  “Pretty much, only with your voice instead of Zarg’s.” Spiritwind popped the end of the chocolate bar into his mouth. “The point I was trying to make is that we should think about how we get rid of normal spiders then apply that to the cacklejack.” A general nod indicating it was a good idea, toured the room.

  “I squash them.” Zarg spoke with an unnerving amount of passion.

  “Good thought process, little short on practicality.” Spiritwind acted as the judge.

  “I usually catch them in a glass and release them outside.” Brick emerged from thought.

  “Again, on the right lines thought wise but two problems spring to mind.”

  “Only two!” Brick beamed with misplaced pride.

  “To start with it’s already outside.” It seemed obvious to Brick when said out loud. “And I’m not sure we have the combined know how or equipment to construct a thirty foot pint glass.”

  “We could use an enlarging ray on a normal pint glass.” Brick persisted.

  “Excellent idea.” Spiritwind played along. It seemed easier.

  “Come on lads. Get the enlarging rays out.” Brick motioned towards Zarg, They and Coincidence. All three had nothing but confusion to offer.

  “Are you saying we’ve got three aliens in the room and not one ray gun between you?”

  “Why would we have a ray gun?” Coincidence’s elbow went numb, causing the concept to twitch in to a new position.

  “Cliché’s, or are you saying some clichés aren’t true?” Brick aimed his face at Zarg.

  “Obviously not all clichés are true otherwise there’d be no need for the word cliché. They’d just be facts.” Zarg folded his arms as Brick acknowledged a small victory over the alien.

  “We could ambush it?” Brick continued to think out loud. “We could wait for it to walk past, leap out, and all pull a leg each, rendering it helpless.” The grin threatened to fall off his face with excitement.

  “Or it will stand up with a sore chin and eat us all as we celebrate.” Zarg didn’t agree.

  “Maybe we’re looking at this all wrong.” Spiritwind had a new way of thinking. “Rather than trying to defeat it why don’t we try and enlist its help?” Zarg leapt behind his chair at the mere mention of such an idea.

  “That’s bold.” Coincidence reacted first.

  “Is this some new use of the word bold which translates as insane?” Zarg spoke from four separate places. It was his natural reaction to fear.

  “Have you ever tried talking to one of them?” Only a whimper replied. It sounded as though it came from upstairs. “Perhaps they’re perfectly reasonable creatures. I’ll go and find out.” Spiritwind stood and headed straight to the front door. Brick never knew Spiritwind had such a pro-active side. He followed his friend to see where it would lead. They and Coincidence joined the trip, Zarg remained hidden.

  By the time Brick and the concepts reached the front door, Spiritwind was in the centre of the road. The group of three refused to cross the threshold of the house and observed from the doorway.

  “Any idea how to attract his attention?” Spiritwind called back from the road.

  “Try dancing.” Brick said the first words to enter his head.

  “How will that help?”

  “It won’t, but it’ll keep us entertained.” Brick sniggered as Coincidence called to Zarg. The alien peered around the doorframe and in to the hallway.

  “How do you attract their attention?”

  “If we knew that we’d stop doing it. It seems being small, green and unwitting is enough.”

  Coincidence relayed the information. “Try being small, green and unwitting.”

  “You’ve got small and unwitting already covered.” Brick threw the insult in for free.

  “I am the average height for a man.” He didn’t even try to defend unwitting. “And luckily I just happened to bring my emergency tin of green paint.” Sarcasm coated the sentence as Spiritwind tutted towards the sky to accentuate his mocking reaction.

  “That is lucky.” Brick could only see the literal side of the words.

  “I think that was sarcasm.” They translated.

  “Oh. Somebody really should invent a facial expression for sarcasm. And a punctuation mark.” Brick turned to Zarg. “Don’t suppose you want to go out
there and help?” The alien fled at the mere mention of the words ‘you’ and ‘out there’. “Guess not.”

  “Hold on. I think I see him.” Spiritwind focused on the end of the street, analysing the evil shaped blur his memory claimed had flown past. After a moment, the spider reappeared, stepping backwards slowly and staring towards the hero of average height. “I think our luck’s in.” The cacklejack started towards Spiritwind. “Yep, he’s definitely heading this way.”

  The cacklejack released a cry as it picked up speed, a speed that turned its legs in to a flurry of grey beneath its vast body. The face at the centre of the commotion focused on being scarier than any amount of prosthetics could achieve. Spiritwind turned away, rocking on his heels with an abundance of nonchalance. Realising the human had no intention of moving, the cacklejack tried to decelerate; a tricky manoeuvre for an eight legged beast. Three legs attempted to skid, two waved around for balance, another two at the rear dug in to the concrete to act as a brake, and the remaining one tried to stay out of the way until all the fuss died down.

  The beast did indeed skid to a halt, panting heavily for his efforts. As the spider fought to catch his breath, Spiritwind turned, their faces almost touching. The bald man’s calm exterior remained, prompting the spider to unleash a roar. Spiritwind waited for the cry to finish before responding.

  “Howdo.”

  The cacklejack looked around confused. “Why aren’t you runnin’?” A voice befitting a Victorian cockney gangster emerged.

  “Sorry. Should I be?” Spiritwind pulled a lollipop from nowhere in particular.

  “Well yeh. At least ‘ide.”

  Spiritwind looked around and past the cacklejack, before answering. “From what?”

  “ME.” The cacklejack almost pulled a muscle as he tried to look even more intimidating.

  “You? Why would I hide from you?”

  “Cos I’m big ‘an scary an’ that’s wot everyone does.” The cacklejack began to panic. After the setback of losing his wings his sense of invincibility was already on the wane.

  “You’re not big and scary.” Spiritwind twirled his lollipop further.

  “I am. I’m quite clearly big an’ scary. I ‘ave to avoid mirrors in case I scares meself to def.”

  “Then you must be scared very easily. You can have big, whatever that actually means, but you can’t have scary.” Spiritwind stared at his shoe.

  “I AM SCARY.” Two feet stamped in frustration.

  “Then why aren’t I scared?” The logic was unquestionable. Neither Spiritwind nor the rest of the team could believe he hadn’t been eaten yet. The memories of Karma’s attack left the cacklejack wary of everything, especially the weird, non-Jefferian creatures he continued to encounter. Although it seemed only the moving ones were potentially dangerous.

  “What’s your name? Maybe if you’ve got a scary name it’ll help.” Spiritwind rocked on his heels, feeling the power of the encounter swinging towards him.

  “Gordon.” Gordon beamed and awaited the terror.

  “Gordon. That’s a rubbish name for a monster.”

  “Well wot’s your name?” Frustration took over thought.

  “Spiritwind Capernicus Jones.”

  “Well that ain’t scary eeva.” Gordon allowed smugness a chance.

  “I’m not a monster. I don’t need a scary name.” Smugness fell away as anger returned.

  “What if I ‘ad three ‘eads? Would that scare ya?” A quick shuffle created two further heads, one either side of Spiritwind. The bald one remembered Zarg’s message about the cacklejack’s ability to manipulate light.

  “If you had three heads then yes I may be a little concerned; however manipulating the light to appear to have three heads isn’t in the slightest bit scary.” Spiritwind poked the head that had appeared to the right, only to find it was the real one. Gordon leapt back in agony.

  “My eye, my eye. Why would you do such a fing?”

  Spiritwind had been caught off guard but managed not to show it. “You’ll be alright. You’ve got another seven.” He considered patting the spider on the back before realising they were enemies.

  Back at the doorway, Zarg had managed to build enough confidence to stand near the threshold. He was just in time to see the cacklejack hopping around the road.

  “How’s it going?”

  “Surprisingly well.” Brick filled Zarg in. “Spiritwind just poked it in the eye.” Zarg bolted back to the living room in horror. The vengeance would be unbearable. The little alien waited near the kitchen door, ready to flee at a moments notice.

  Spiritwind could see the cacklejack’s reducing confidence and pounced. “Come on then. Let’s see how scary you really are.” Spiritwind danced around, rotating his fists in a 1930’s boxing style. The cacklejack peered through his watery eye as memories of the pain Karma inflicted shot through his back. Whatever these creatures were they possessed great unseen strength. Gordon felt it would be wiser to make his excuses and leave.

  “But my eye. It ‘ain’t fair.”

  “Fair. Look at the size of you. Come on. If I win you have to do as we say. If you win, well it doesn’t matter does it. If you win you can do whatever you like.”

  “I cud run off. Those tiny legs wud never catch me.”

  “Run off? You’ll have your monster card taken off you for that.” Spiritwind threw a random comment out from his mind. Surprisingly it hit.

  “You wuddn’t tell the Monster Council on me, wud ya?”

  “Eh.” Spiritwind thought on his feet and dropped his fists. “I will. I’ll even tell them about you being beaten up by a girl.” He brought up Karma’s assault to add weight to his threat.

  “You wuddn’t mista. I wun’t be able to go around acting all monstrous wivout me card. It’s all I knows to do. I cuddn’t retrain at my age.”

  “Maybe I won’t, IF, you agree to help us.”

  “Anyfing. I’ll do anyfing.”

  “Then come inside and we’ll have a little chat.”

  A nearby bush rattled in annoyance as Gordon entered the gate. Danger had been watching her plan fall to pieces and now felt entitled to a tantrum of epic proportions. She stormed away seeking a suitable tree to stand and cry against. It just wasn’t fair.

  As Danger disappeared, Spiritwind ushered the beast towards the house. A stunned silence from Brick and the concepts, greeted the pair. Zarg was nowhere to be seen. Gordon, after much pushing and coaxing managed to squeeze through the doorframe and headed towards the living room. Brick tutted as the whole affair stretched far beyond the realms of practicality. There had only just been enough seats to accommodate the band of heroes; they just didn’t have room for any more visitors.

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