T is for Time

by Paul Vayro

  Chapter Forty Five

  “At the very least a thank you.” Brick continued to complain. “A parade would obviously be lovely, but I’m not one to push things.”

  “There’s only so many times I can point out that everybody was frozen and knows nothing about our adventure.” Spiritwind tried once more to explain, all the while piling through his numerous bags of hot pastries.

  “It doesn’t make it right, or fair.”

  “Tell somebody then. See what they say.” Spiritwind had tired of the same conversation.

  “I will.” The defiance was entirely unnecessary. “Who?”

  “Him. Come on.” Spiritwind nodded across the road to the butchers. Wasting no time he strolled the short distance, pursued by Brick, and entered the shop. John Biggins had been awaiting his first customer and had prepared the biggest of smiles. He possessed every physical facet any self respecting butcher should: portly frame and circular face, with a blood stained apron and white see through trilby.

  “Why hello young chaps. Which animal may I serve to you on this glorious day?”

  “Tell him.” Spiritwind opened his sausage roll bag.

  “Why him?”

  “Why not? Plus look at how happy he is. He couldn’t be anything but pleasant about the whole thing.” John Biggins watched on with a vacant stare.

  “That smile comes from cutting up dead animals all day long. Who knows what built up resentment I may unleash through offence.”

  “How may I help, sir?” John repeated his standard script.

  “You could give me your hat.” Brick attempted a joke. It sprung from nervousness.

  “That’s very funny sir. You may feel free to take my hat, but I must remind you I have a variety of bladed objects close to hand and the will to use them. To me you are nothing but a walking accompaniment to my roast potatoes, but if you really want my hat that much then come and get it. Otherwise, how may I help you?” The friendly smile remained throughout, which made the sentence all the more threatening. Spiritwind ceased chewing and took a step nearer the door, just in case a quick exit was required.

  “The thing is, I was only kidding about the hat by the way, me and my friend here have just saved the world from invading aliens who were trying to steal all the tea and coffee. Only problem is they froze time for the duration, meaning nobody is aware of what we did for the good of the planet.” The glint in John’s eye changed, causing confidence to abandon Brick. “We just wondered if you…..would like…..to…..thank…..us?”

  John looked down at the counter and sighed before raising his head. “Very good, sir. Having fun mocking me?”

  “I’m not mocki…”

  “I’m up at three in the morning killing a variety of animals. Some to sell, some to eat, and some just for the hell of it, and you think it would be good fun to come in and mock me because we butchers are a jolly old bunch. Well let me tell you we’re not. We have to appear jolly so nobody questions what kind of person wants to spend their days carving up death.”

  “Honestly I’m not. I’ll bet there’s no tea left anywhere in the shop.” Brick equally backed away. Spiritwind was practically outside.

  “No tea. You’re insane. I’m always very careful to ensure our tea supplies are fully stocked. MAUREEN.” John shouted through the strips of coloured plastic that acted as a door to the back room. “CHECK THE TEA SUPPLY. GOT A COUPLE OF JOKERS IN THE SHOP.” The muffled sound of somebody searching cupboards echoed back before a face appeared through the multi coloured strips. It beckoned John towards it and whispered something in his ear. When his face turned back round it was red with fury. His eyes searched his work bench as he strolled back to the duo.

  “So; you two have stolen my tea.” It was a conclusion Brick and Spiritwind could only react to with a sense of dread and physical protestation. “Drinking tea is my third favourite hobby, after killing things and wearing my hat.” A meat clever the size of a car door appeared next to his face. The menace and intent from his eyes reflected in its surface. It screamed ‘run’ at Brick and Spiritwind, who duly obeyed. The butcher attempted to give chase, unfortunately the design of the shop meant leaping a counter to leave. A man the size of John Biggins is not built for agility. He proved this by crashing to the floor in agony. Brick and Spiritwind didn’t stop running until they reached their front door.

  Brick missed the keyhole for the eighth time as Spiritwind checked the road behind them. Biritvind from next door flew past the fence, Rick followed in cartwheel pursuit.

  “Don’t worry. He’ll be on his back for weeks.” Coincidence stood at the gate.

  “Oh no he’s caught us. I had so much left to give.” Brick assumed it was the butcher.

  “Morning, Coincidence.” Spiritwind had been more sensible and turned round.

  “Don’t bother going in. There’s a party waiting.” Coincidence ushered the two towards him.

  “Party?” Brick calmed instantly, skirting round his outburst. “I thought that was at Fate’s house later?”

  “It was, but nobody had anything to do until then so we didn’t see the point in waiting. Plus we went back to Fut’s house and it’s very hard not to party when you’re there.” Coincidence watched the neighbours flying through the air as he spoke, bemused by their antics. He felt somewhat pleased the wrong heroes had been activated. All that jumping around would have grown very annoying.

  “Then lead the way.” Brick accepted the invitation.

  “Could we pick up some breakfast as we go?” Spiritwind didn’t wish to drink on an empty stomach.

  “Of course, I know a nice little café we have to pass.” Coincidence led the merry trio, leaving Rick and Biritvind to their morning regime.

  The party gradually descended in to all manner of drunken truths and camaraderie. Fate and Karma spent the entirety in a state of flux between complete love and unadulterated hate. Continually disappearing in to corners and empty rooms nobody could be sure if they were making up or tearing strips off each other. Fut played the host to perfection, keeping everyone topped up with drinks and nibbles, and matching the music to the mood of the event majestically. They, chose a corner to sit in and spouted ideas at anyone who came within social range, while Irony and Coincidence spent most of the time chatting, eventually leading to a cheeky snog that Irony insisted she would deny. Even Gordon the cacklejack turned up, as he had nowhere else to go. He and Karma made friends before They convinced him to open a hat shop. Spiritwind had a thoroughly enjoyable time and balanced being entertaining and entertained; unlike Brick who took the role of being the most drunken man in the house, deflecting all attention away from everyone else’s misdemeanours. He rounded off the night by declaring his undying love for Irony and heading off to sleep in the bath, filling it with water first. All in all everyone had fun.

  The following morning Brick approached his door with key in hand. His hung over head continued to taunt him with embarrassing moments he’d prefer it to delete. If he could make it to bed he could start ploughing through the apologies later.

  The door swung open to reveal Spiritwind in the hallway. He’d paused there after seeing the shadow of his friend arriving. He’d just retrieved a mistakenly delivered newspaper from the space where a welcome mat would sit.

  “Morning.” Spiritwind surveyed his dripping peer. “You slept in the bath then?”

  “How do you know…oh forget it.” Brick splodged straight to the stairs.

  “Have you seen this?” It was clearly rhetorical as Spiritwind held up the paper. Brick turned to see the number thirty written twice, four inches high. He couldn’t fully focus on the smaller writing. Spiritwind obliged. “It says thirty percent of the world’s tea and coffee supplies went missing overnight.”

  “They worked fast for little, waddly fella’s. What’s the other thirty for?”

  “Thirty percent of clocks were set to ten to ten.”

  “Motivation works fast too. I’ll deal with the news later.” Brick turn
ed back round.

  “What about work?” Spiritwind munched on toast as he mischievously queried.

  “Is it a work day?” Brick knew he would have to quicken his pace towards bed. Pain began descending across every inch of his being.

  “It was. I phoned in and said we saved the world yesterday. The resulting party has left us a little useless.”

  “What did they say?”

  “They were very nice. Said if we’d saved the world then maybe we should take a few weeks off, months even.”

  “That is nice.” Brick’s head didn’t feel nice.

  “Thinking back on it we may have been sacked.”

  “Ah well.” Brick managed one more step before Spiritwind interrupted, again.

  “We got post too. Interesting post.” Spiritwind held a metallic envelope in his hand. It shimmered with virtue and the promise of a golden era yet to come.

  “That is interesting post.” Brick spoke through one semi closed eye. It was the only way to combat the approaching headache.

  “Shall I read it?” The nod was enough. Spiritwind released the ornate clasp on the envelope, revealing a red square of material. The colour snatched at your focus, filling your mind with the warmth only childhood memories can bring. Pouring the contents into his hand, Spiritwind couldn’t be sure he was even holding it, its softness transcending air. The bald hero put the envelope down and held the silken cloth. Golden writing flittered across the surface, almost floating in an emotional glow. The gold glistened on Spiritwind’s face without dazzling. He read out loud:

  Fellow Heroes Brick Wall and Spiritwind Capernicus Jones

  You are formally granted grade one hero status from The Heroic Guild of All Things Heroic and Splendid: T.H.G.O.A.T.H.A.S. It’s an honour to welcome you onto the Scrolls of Saviours, to stand aside the purveyors of legends. Your membership cards and details of all benefits will be forwarded shortly. We look forward to standing by your side in defiance of evil one day soon.

  Yours Heroically

  Irish Delirium

  “Probably some con. Do we have to send any money?” Brick had nothing but cynicism in the face of no knowledge.

  “It doesn’t say.”

  “It will. There’ll be some number we have to ring to claim our prize.” Brick continued on his path to bed.

  “I’m about to make a brew and read me paper. Do you want one?”

  “You know I don’t drink tea.”

  “Just thought I’d ask. You never know.” Spiritwind headed to the kitchen.

  “Was our tea not stolen?” Brick shouted down as he continued plodding upwards.

  “Yep. That’s why I took a handful from that crate we found. There’s plenty. Are you sure you don’t want one?”

  “We’ve been through this.” Brick continued to bed, leaving Spiritwind to look in the fridge for a treat to accompany his beverage. He spotted two tubs of yoghurt in the corner and cackled to himself. A plan for the afternoon’s entertainment formed. There was a yoghurt bucket title up for grabs, and he planned to claim it as his own.

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