Matt shook his head, unable to completely camouflage his grief. “Mutt picked up the scent of whatever he’d heard and bolted away from me at top speed, barking his head off. Woke everyone and all the other dogs up.”
Sara could imagine that, too.
Matt jerked in a shuddering breath. “Turned out we had a dozen suicide bombers in the compound, ready to kill us all.” His voice caught at the unbearable pain of that memory. “Mutt attacked the closest one, and the guy blew himself up. And Mutt along with him.” Briefly, he couldn’t go on. His eyes glistened. “Just like that, they were both dead. And a minute or so later, thanks to the swift action of our soldiers,” he said hoarsely, “so were all the other enemy combatants.”
This time she couldn’t resist. Sara reached over to touch his arm, her fingers curving around the hard, thick muscles. “Oh, Matt...” she said, aware it was all she could do not to burst into tears herself.
Her attempt to comfort him, even a little, failed.
His forearm remained stiff, resisting. He shook his head, a faraway look in his eyes. In abject misery, he confessed, “The hell of it is, if I had just been a little more alert, or wary... If I would have had my gun, I would have taken out the bomber before Mutt got to him. But I didn’t.” He swallowed hard.
Aware her initial instincts not to touch Matt had been on point, Sara dropped her hand and went back to feeding a now sleepy-looking Charley the last of his mashed fruit. At least Matt was talking; she held on to that.
“What about the other dogs?” she asked softly, wanting him to get the rest of the story out, to have that much-needed catharsis. “You said there were no troop injuries...”
His glance still averted, Matt released a breath. “There were some injuries. Shrapnel. None of the other dogs were killed.” Hands knotting, he shook his head. “But it could have very easily gone another way,” he admitted rawly.
With multiple fatalities of soldiers and canines, Sara thought.
Matt drained the rest of his water. “That incident made me realize my time to be effective was gone.” Regret tautening his masculine features, he slanted her a look. “I’d already notified the Army I would be resigning my commission and heading back to the USA when my tour was up. And so, that’s what I did.”
Sara offered Charley a sippy cup of milk.
“And your family...?” Did the McCabes know even part of what he’d just told her?
Apparently not, from his reaction.
Matt’s brows lowered like thunderclouds over his gray-blue eyes. “They know I don’t talk about what happened over there.”
“Except you just did.”
He frowned. “Only because I want you to know. So you’ll stop asking me if I can be hands-on with Champ or any other puppy, because I just can’t. I don’t want that kind of responsibility.” His grimace deepened. “Not ever again.”
Talk about a textbook case of PTSD. Sighing, she got a washcloth and cleaned Charley’s face and hands. Removed his bib.
Matt came closer. His mood shifting, now that his heart-wrenching confession had been made, he gazed gently down at Charley, who was now slamming both his palms happily on the high chair tray. “So I’ll gladly write a check. But as for the rest,” he gritted out, “there is just no way, Sara.”
Sara understood guilt, unwanted memories and unbearable pain. More than he would ever know.
Matt exhaled. Then moved so she had no choice but to look into his eyes. “And I would appreciate it,” he said, as their gazes locked, held, “if you didn’t talk to anyone else about what I’ve just told you.”
Even if it would help him eventually? Sara wondered, conflicted. Still, she knew a confidence deserved to be kept. So she did what she knew in her heart was right for their friendship, which miraculously seemed to be resuming.
“Okay,” she said, letting out a long breath, and lounging against the counter, too. “I won’t tell anyone what you went through over there. But if you do want to talk to someone...someday...”
He moved away again, his manner as gruff as his low voice. “No. All I want to do is put it behind me.”
Easier said than done, she thought.
But she understood.
Sometimes the only way to get past pain that immense was to stop reliving it and move on. Survive and advance. Hour by hour...day by day.
He removed a checkbook and pen from his shirt pocket.
“So, what do you think it will take to fund a drive for volunteer puppy raisers? Will a thousand dollars be okay to start?” He squinted at the hesitation he saw on her face. “What?”
Noticing Charley was beginning to look very sleepy, she lifted him out of his high chair, walked into the living room and sat down in the rocker glider. She brushed her lips across the top of his head, then positioned him so his chest was cuddled against hers, his head nestled in the crook of her shoulder.
Aware Matt was watching her closely, appearing to feel the same tenderness for her son that she did, she returned. “New ideas, and the money to fund them, are always appreciated.”
He followed and settled on the ottoman opposite her. Knees spread, hands clasped in front of him. “But?” he asked quietly.
She smiled ruefully, as Charley sighed and closed his eyes. “I’ll be blunt. I don’t think this is going to solve your problem with your family.”
Matt frowned. “Why not?”
Since Charley was drowsy enough to put down, she rose and carried him over to the Pack ’n Play in the corner of the breakfast nook. When she’d settled him, she turned back to Matt and said, “Because I know your sister, Lulu, and your mother, and they’re going to see any extroverted action by you, no matter how small, as a much-needed breakdown of the walls you’ve put up around you since you came back from the Middle East. And they are going to want to expand on that.”
Matt frowned. “So their nagging will increase, not decrease. Is that it?”
“Pretty much.” She went into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee.
Arms folded in front of him, Matt lounged against the counter again. “So what do you suggest?”
She shrugged, wishing he didn’t fit into her household quite so easily. “It’s your family.”
He watched her measure coffee into the paper filter. With a wry half smile, he pointed out, “You come from a large family, too, darlin’.”
As always, the endearment melted her heart and made her way too aware of him. Physically, and in other ways, too. She poured water into the reservoir.
“Yes, but mine are spread out all over the country now. So their ability to badger me in person is limited mostly to phone calls and texts. They generally don’t just show up on my doorstep. Well,” she amended hastily at his skeptical expression, “my parents have come to see us a few times, and hinted that I should start looking for a job close to the university where they live and teach in Colorado Springs. But for now at least they’ve accepted that I want to raise Charley in the community where Anthony and I grew up.”
His glance drifted over her. “Think you will ever change your mind?”
Good question, one she was still wrestling with. “I don’t know. Maybe. But I like my job at Healing Meadow Veterinary Hospital. They’ve been really good about extending my maternity leave past the terms I initially thought I wanted.”
Although it had been rough, going through the last six months of her pregnancy alone, after her husband’s death. She’d had the support of her work colleagues and other single moms that she knew. Plus, her parents had come to Texas for Charley’s birth, and helped her for a few weeks after that, but since then, she had been mostly on her own, with help from friends whenever she needed and or wanted it. Of course, it wasn’t the same as going through a pregnancy with a loving husband at her side, sharing every moment of Charley’s growth and development with his daddy. Having Matt around today had
shown her that. Made her long for an intact nuclear family, and the kind of hope-filled future a situation like that would bring.
Luckily, Matt had no way of knowing how emotional she was feeling, deep down inside.
Still, his attention deepened in a way that warmed her from the inside out. In deference to her sleeping son, he moved slightly closer and kept his voice low. “What terms did you want from your employer?”
She swallowed and tried not to flush. She may have had an unrequited crush on Matt once—when they were teens—but they were destined to be nothing more than friends now.
“Six months.”
Turning away, she forced herself to ignore the intense yearning for closeness, and the flutter of desire that swept through her. “But now that Charley is six months old, I can see I’m not quite ready to go back full-time.”
Ignoring the masculine warmth and strength emanating from his tall body, she busied herself wiping down the high chair. “So I’m going to stay on leave another three months, and then ease into work by taking emergency calls every other weekend, and seeing patients one day a week.”
Matt observed, “And you’re taking on Champ, too.”
Who, Sara noted, was curled up in a ball in his indoor puppy pen, fast asleep.
“For just a month or so.” She hoped, anyway. “But yeah, I really am going to have to find someone to help me with that.”
She got out the cream and sugar and set them on the island, along with a plate of oatmeal-cranberry-pecan cookies.
Matt watched her fill two mugs. “What about Charley?”
Their fingers touched as she handed him his mug. Aware she was tingling more now than she had been before, Sara furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”
“You said you were going to need help to work with Champ and watch your son simultaneously.”
Sara stirred in cream and sugar. “Right.”
Matt drank his black. “Would you consider letting me assist you with your son?”
Sara paused. Was this guilt talking—or something else? She looked him up and down. “Let me get this straight. You...Mr. Lonesome...want to be Charley’s baby wrangler?”
Matt’s broad shoulders lifted in an affable shrug. “Why not? He likes hanging out with me. I like hanging out with him.” He paused. “Don’t trust me?”
Sara blushed. Yet another obstacle to her going back to work. “Actually,” she admitted with chagrin, “I don’t really trust anyone except for Bess Monroe, and your sister, Lulu, with Charley—if Bess is around to supervise, and I only have confidence in Bess because she’s a registered nurse.” Which was, on the face of it, pretty neurotic, she knew.
“Ah.” Matt dunked the edge of his cookie in his coffee. “New-mom anxiety.”
Heat rose in the center of her chest as she waved off her worry. “I know it’s silly...”
“But it’s the way you feel, darlin’. No shame in that.”
Pleased to find him honoring her feelings instead of making fun of them, Sara nodded. “Exactly,” she said softly. “Plus, I really don’t want to be away from Charley for all the time it’s going to take to socialize Champ because then I’d end up feeling I was neglecting him. So it’s a real conundrum.”
Matt finished off his cookie, understanding again. “How do you formally socialize a puppy, anyway?”
“By introducing him to as many different people and places as possible over the next month. So he’ll be comfortable no matter where he is.”
“Sounds...interesting.”
Sara smiled, suddenly aware how cozy this all felt. With the two of them there, chatting, and the puppy and baby sleeping nearby.
Matt was going to make a wonderful husband and father someday.
Trying not to think about the toe-curling kisses they’d already shared, she admitted, “The outings would be good for Charley, too. He’s spent way too much time at home with just me, thus far. But—” Sara took another sip from her mug “—I can’t handle both Champ and Charley out in public by myself.” Which meant some sort of accommodations would have to be made.
Again, Matt understood. Practical as always, he asked, “So why don’t we do it together, then?”
Chapter Four
Sara stared at Matt, as if sure she hadn’t heard right.
He understood her confusion. Because he certainly hadn’t expected to make such an offer when he’d come over here, either. But something about being around her and Charley made him want to leave his self-imposed isolation behind.
“You want to help me socialize Champ?” she asked, still appearing stunned.
The thought of having to be in contact with the puppy sent a cold chill down his spine. “No. I still don’t want to get that close to any dog.” Never mind a sweet, adorable puppy who could easily steal his heart if he allowed it. “I want to take charge of Charley while you train Champ.”
Sara slanted him a sideways look. “You understand that I would want us all to go out in public together? You’d have to leave your ranch and come over here, help me load them in my vehicle every day for one month, or until Alyssa Barnes is well enough to take over Champ’s training and care?”
He figured he could handle that as long as he wasn’t in charge of the leash. He nodded, admitting ruefully, “Initially, I figured avoiding dogs entirely was the way to go. But—” he paused to draw another breath “—you’ve helped me realize that is more apt to provoke questions than avoid them.”
Her jade eyes gleamed. “So you’re going to take the opposite tact.”
He moved forward, hands spread, his voice edgy with tension. “I want to desensitize myself, the way a person would after any trauma.”
Sara offered a supportive nod. “Kind of like when you get thrown off a horse. The last thing you want to do is get back on one, but if you don’t get back in the saddle as soon as possible, you may not ever be able to ride again.”
“Right.” The understanding in her eyes encouraged him to dig a little deeper into his feelings. “I’m not planning on falling in love with the pup, or even having much to do with Champ. I just want to be able to be around him and not start thinking about all the things I’d rather not think about.”
She looked at him from beneath the fringe of her lashes. “I hear you.”
She certainly seemed to. And not just in the way a compassionate woman would, but like someone who had been through her own version of hell.
Matt cleared his throat. Maybe the two of them would be good for each other, after all. “So when and where do you want to start Champ’s socialization?” he asked.
She paused. “This evening okay with you?”
* * *
“I know what you’re thinking,” Sara told Charley several hours later. She rushed around her bedroom, trying to get ready.
“I’m getting awfully dressed up for an outing with you and Champ and Matt, but it isn’t a date. Even if it is Saturday night. And it sort of feels like it could be one. It’s absolutely not.”
Charley gurgled from the seat of his battery-operated swing.
“It’s just that the Spring Arts and Crafts Fair at the community center is a pretty big deal around here.” Sara paused to put on her favorite gold necklace and matching earrings. “Everyone goes, and everyone gets a little bit dressed up. Usually cotton dresses and cardigans for the ladies, and button-up shirts for the gentlemen. And of course—” she mugged affectionately at her son “—adorably cute outfits for the little ones, like yourself.”
Her doorbell rang.
Sara glanced at her watch.
“Oh dear.” Matt was early. Charley still wasn’t dressed, and Champ still had to go out.
Thanking heaven that she at least had gotten in her favorite yellow dress, Sara finished zipping up the back, then eased Charley out of his swing. Doing her best not to get drool on her dress, she
carried him to the front door.
Matt stood on the other side of the portal, looking handsome as could be in a tan button-up shirt and jeans. “You okay?”
“Yes.” She inhaled a whiff of his sandalwood-and-leather cologne, noting how closely he had shaved. “Why?”
He shrugged. “You’re perspiring.”
Okay, it really wasn’t a date, she thought in wry relief, because if it had been a date, he would have had more sense than to point that out. She waved an airy hand. “I’ve been rushing around.”
“How can I help?”
With a grin, she drawled, “I was hoping you’d ask.” She shifted her baby into his strong arms. “Entertain Charley while I gather his stuff.”
“Any particular reason why you chose this event for Champ?” Matt asked.
Sara motioned for Matt to follow her up the stairs to the nursery. She stopped by the master bedroom long enough to grab a pair of soft beige ballet flats. One hand on the door frame, she paused to slip them on. “A couple, actually. First, it’s indoors, so it’ll be well lit and we don’t have to worry about the weather. And secondly, there will be a fair amount of noise and excitement and a ton of people there of all ages.”
Matt’s gaze shifted upward, from her feet to her face. “So there’ll be a lot for both Charley and Champ to take in.”
A little embarrassed she had inadvertently just given him a glimpse of her bedroom, post wardrobe crisis, she said, “Yes.” Trying not to flush, she reached for Charley and put him on the changing table.
She needn’t have worried whether Matt would judge her indecisiveness, though. He seemed to have something else a lot more serious on his mind.
“Are you going to have Champ on a leash?”
Was he nervous about being around the pup himself? Afraid that might trigger some sort of PTSD-like reaction on his part? Worried she couldn’t handle the puppy in a crowd and might lose track of Champ? Or just not really looking forward to that part of their excursion? She sighed. There was no way to tell, given the inscrutable look on his face. Although he hadn’t reacted to the adorable black Lab puppy’s presence thus far with anything more than guarded disinterest.
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