From Top to Bottom

by Harper Bliss

  “A plan for what?” I held a hand to my pounding head and followed her into the kitchen.

  “To get Vanessa, of course.”

  That woke me up. How did Chloe know that I wanted Vanessa? “To what?”

  “Get Vanessa. You know, the woman you’re in love with. The woman you want to submit to.”

  “How the hell do you know that?”

  “You don’t remember the drive home, do you?” Chloe smirked. “Kiddo, you told me everything. Now, here’s my plan…”

  My whole body shook as I lowered myself to my knees. Chloe had hold of the leash that was attached to my collar. I kept my eyes to the ground, half terrified that I would spot Vanessa when she walked into the room, half scared that she wouldn’t turn up.

  It’s just a small party, I reassured myself. You know almost everyone here.

  But wasn’t that worse? I could hear people asking if that was Lily at Chloe’s feet. I could feel people staring at us, imagine them wondering what the hell was going on. Chloe had thought that it would be easier to go to a small, private party, rather than a big club. I had agreed at the time. I wasn’t so sure now.

  I couldn’t concentrate on the conversation that Chloe was having with one of our acquaintances. My heart pounded like a drum in my chest, drowning out everything else. When would Vanessa get there? What would she say? Would she even care? What if she was indifferent?

  “What the fuck is going on?”

  My eyes darted up at the sound of Vanessa’s voice. She wasn’t looking at me. Her question was directed at Chloe.

  “What do you mean? I’m having a drink with Louise.”

  “Why is Lily on a leash? Did she lose a bet?”

  I could feel my face heating up and I let my gaze drop to the floor. I was sure everyone must be staring at us now.

  “She’s on a leash because she’s submissive,” Chloe said calmly.

  “She’s not a submissive. She’s a Domme. She’s always been a Domme.”

  “She looks pretty submissive to me,” Chloe said.

  “She doesn’t even switch,” Vanessa shot back.

  My breath caught, and I waited in expectation of what she would say next.

  “This is wrong,” Vanessa said. “This is completely fucked up, that’s what this is. She’s wrong.”

  It felt like my heart shattered in my chest. I wanted to run, I wanted to cry. I couldn’t do either. I kept my head low but I could see her boots turn and walk the other way.

  “Shall we go?” Chloe asked me.

  I nodded, sure that if I tried to talk the tears would escape. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone as I followed Chloe out of the room. I unclipped the leash as soon as we were away from prying eyes, gave her back the collar and found my coat under the mountain that had built up at the bottom of the stairs.

  “Are you okay?” Chloe asked.

  “I’ll be fine,” I told her.

  “I can drive you home, if you want.”

  I shook my head. “It’s a five-minute walk.”

  “She probably needs some time.”

  “Maybe,” I said but I knew it wasn’t true. I had been right before. Vanessa didn’t care about me.

  I ignored everyone’s calls. I was done with the lifestyle and everyone I knew in it. I would reinvent myself. There was a whole queer scene that didn’t involve bondage, discipline and domination. I could become a part of that, make new friends. I could hang out in bars that didn’t have spanking benches. After I was done sitting in my house sobbing, that is.

  Vanessa hadn’t called. Not once. Not even a text message.

  Five years of friendship and it was over, just like that.

  This is completely fucked up.

  Every time I thought that I was somewhere close to being okay again I would remember her words.

  She’s wrong. Her words tormented me, slipping into my consciousness whenever I wasn’t distracting myself. What had I done to deserve such harsh words? We were friends. If nothing else, we had been friends.

  I woke Sunday morning to a text message she’d sent in the early hours.

  Why aren’t you at the club?

  My resolve to ignore her message lasted for all of half an hour before I messaged back.

  Fuck off, Vanessa.

  For a moment I felt happy with my response. She’d been a bitch. She’d humiliated me in front of everyone we knew. I didn’t owe her an explanation as to why I wasn’t in the club. Did she expect things to just go back to normal? Was she expecting me to keep pretending? Well, fuck that because I was done with it. I would rather join the vanilla world than go back to watching Vanessa dominate every sub who wasn’t me.

  By midday the satisfaction faded and I was back to feeling like shit. I wanted to ignore whoever was knocking on my door. I’d ignored the doorbell but now it seemed like whoever was out there was trying to break the door down.

  “Lily,” Vanessa’s voice came through the letterbox. “Lily, open the door.”

  I shot to my feet, my heart suddenly reanimated and pounding in my chest.

  Today would have been a good day to reacquaint yourself with make up.

  I ran a hand through the mass of blonde curls that I hadn’t bothered to tame that day and hoped that my face didn’t look as puffy as it had earlier.

  She stood on the other side of my door, looking like hell but still just as perfect to me as ever. Her eyes were bloodshot, rimmed with dark circles.

  “Can I come in?” she asked.

  I shook my head. “What do you want?”

  “I want to talk to you.”

  “I don’t have anything to say.”

  “Then just listen to me. Please, let me in. I don’t want to have this conversation out here.”

  I stepped back reluctantly, not wanting to hear what she had to say but wanting my neighbours to hear it even less.

  I followed her into the living room. She gestured to the seat on the sofa next to her and I sat down.

  “I’m sorry for my reaction,” she said. “I wasn’t expecting to see you there, like that, with Chloe.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, not because it was okay but because that’s what you say when someone apologises.

  “I thought that we were closer than that,” Vanessa continued. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I was scared of how you’d react,” I told her honestly. “I guess I knew it would ruin everything.”

  “I just don’t understand. You’ve been dominant for years…”

  “I’ve never been a Domme, not really.”

  “Then why pretend?”

  “Imagine how you would feel on the other side. Imagine being the one on the receiving end. It’s scary, it’s—” I shook my head and stopped talking. She would never understand. There was no point explaining.

  When I didn’t continue, Vanessa said, “But it’s been years. You’ve been acting this way for years. All those subs we shared… Why?”

  “I can’t explain it. Anyway, it’s over now. I’m not going to go back to how things were.”

  “Do you love her?”

  “Who?” I frowned at her.

  “Chloe.”

  “Chloe? Oh,” I said as realisation dawned. “Chloe and I, we aren’t involved or anything.”

  “You aren’t?”

  I shook my head. “She was just helping me to… come out, I guess.”

  “You’re not sleeping with her?”

  “No.”

  “You were wearing her collar.”

  “I was wearing a collar.”

  “You were kneeling at her feet,” she accused.

  “Submissives aren’t allowed on the furniture,” I reminded her.

  She seemed to be taking a minute to process what had been said. I stared at my hands, wishing I had a way to break the awkward silence. It had never been awkward between us before. I guessed things were different, now that I wasn’t a Domme. If life had felt empty when I was just her friend, what was it going to fe
el like when I was nothing at all to her?

  “You aren’t involved with Chloe?” she finally asked.

  “She’s just my friend.”

  “Will you come with me to the Red Room on Thursday?”

  We always went to the monthly lesbian S&M night together. But hadn’t she been listening to me? “I’m done with acting dominant, Vanessa. I’m not—”

  “As my submissive,” she interrupted. “I want you to come with me as my submissive.”

  “Oh.” I felt my face heat up, my mouth turn upwards involuntarily. “Yes, that would be nice.”

  “I can promise you that nice will not be the way you describe it on Friday morning.”

  “Really?” My stomach tied itself in knots.

  Vanessa gave me the evil grin that I had seen directed at so many other women. “Don’t be scared. I’ll take good care of you.”

  She leaned forward and brushed her lips over mine. The kiss was over before I had a chance to respond. Sweet and chaste and nothing like the kisses we had shared in the past.

  “I don’t ever want to see you on the end of Chloe’s leash again. Do you understand?”

  I nodded.

  “Or kneeling at her feet. In fact, I would prefer that you don’t ever talk to her again.”

  I rolled my eyes. “She’s my friend and she’s your friend too.”

  “Was my friend,” Vanessa corrected.

  “Don’t be like that. She was trying to help me.”

  “She was trying to steal you.”

  “I promise not to let her put me on a leash and not to kneel at her feet if you promise not to ruin your friendship with her over something silly.”

  “It’s not silly,” Vanessa said. “But I promise. I’ll see you on Thursday.”

  The Red Room was still quiet when we arrived. I was grateful for that. I needed some time to compose myself before I faced my friends. I was wearing a tiny leather skirt and a red corset that Vanessa had picked out for me. I could barely walk in the heels she had insisted on and it was a relief when she took our drinks and headed for the seating area.

  “Kneel,” she told me as she took a seat on the sofa.

  I knelt down in front of her, my mind all over the place. What did she intend to do tonight? Were we going to play or would we just watch? What would happen when our friends saw us? Some of them hadn’t been at the party and they wouldn’t know that I was submissive. Why had Vanessa asked me to come here with her? Because she was interested in me as a submissive or because she owed it to years of friendship?

  “How are you feeling?” Vanessa asked.

  “Nervous,” I said. “I haven’t seen anyone since the party.”

  She stroked my hair, tangled her hand gently in it. “Don’t worry about them. You aren’t here for them.”

  I gave her a shaky smile. I wasn’t there for them, I was there for her.

  “I want a foot rub,” Vanessa said.

  “From me?”

  Vanessa smiled. “Of course, from you.”

  She slipped her foot out of her shoe. I shuffled back so that she could place it comfortably in my hands and began to rub. She had beautiful feet. Smooth and soft and perfectly pedicured. Vanessa let out a sigh as I pressed firmly on the sole of her foot and rubbed. I wanted to kiss them but she hadn’t told me to and I didn’t want to do anything wrong. After a few minutes everything else drifted away. I forgot about my anxieties. There was no one to think about but Vanessa, nothing to worry about but pleasing her.

  “Use your mouth,” Vanessa said after a while.

  It was all the encouragement I needed. I lifted her foot higher and sucked one of her toes into my mouth, swirling my tongue around. I trailed kisses up her foot and to her ankle. I kissed my way back down her foot and took each toe into my mouth. I closed my eyes as a perfect sense of peace came over me. I was finally where I needed to be, finally where I belonged.

  “May we join you?”

  My eyes shot open as Chloe’s voice interrupted my moment of serenity. I sat upright, letting Vanessa’s toe slip from my mouth.

  “There are other seats available,” Vanessa said coldly.

  “I want to sit here. Vicky, kneel.”

  Chloe sat down next to Vanessa and her submissive lowered herself gracefully beside me.

  “I didn’t tell you to stop,” Vanessa said to me.

  I began to massage her foot again, my eyes remaining on her, waiting to see what would happen.

  “Are you going to LAM on Sunday?” Chloe asked.

  “I don’t know,” Vanessa said.

  “I would like a new corset before the summer party,” Chloe continued. “I wish I had bought that one we saw last month.”

  “Excuse us please, Chloe, apparently my submissive doesn’t know how to follow orders.”

  My heart jumped into my throat as Vanessa stood and held a hand out to me. I took her hand and allowed her to help me to my feet. She held on to my hand as we walked across the club, towards the backroom. The room was half empty at that time of the night. There was a submissive in a cage, being taunted by her Dommes, and a few others tied up around the room. The crowds hadn’t yet gathered. That was something. The backroom had never seemed so intimidating from the other side.

  We reached the back wall and Vanessa pushed me to my knees. She wound a hand through my hair and tugged hard enough to hurt. I looked up at her, feeling equal parts terrified and exhilarated.

  “I told you not to stop.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “When we’re in this kind of setting I expect obedience. You may use your safe word but you may not disobey me. Especially not in front of Chloe.”

  “I’m sorry,” I apologised again, realising that this was part of the game, that this was part of being Vanessa’s submissive for the evening.

  “We’re going to use a traffic light system. If you need me to slow down you say orange, if you need me to stop you say red. Do you understand?”

  “Yes.”

  She tugged on my hair. “Yes, who?”

  “Yes, Mistress.”

  “I want you to use them if you need to. I won’t be disappointed.”

  I nodded. “What are you going to use?”

  She paused for a moment. In her position, as I had been many times, I wouldn’t have told but it was my first time and perhaps that was why she told me.

  “I’m just going to use a paddle.”

  I took a deep breath as panic threatened to take over. I was going to let her paddle me. I had fantasised about it for so long but the reality was more terrifying than I had anticipated. It was going to hurt.

  “I’m scared,” I said.

  She tugged me to my feet and pulled me towards her. She wound her arms around my waist and kissed me.

  “It will be fine, I promise. If you don’t want to do this we don’t have to.”

  “I do want to.”

  She kissed me again, this time harder, letting her tongue invade my mouth. When she pulled back she ordered me to remove my skirt. I removed it and handed it to her.

  “Turn around.”

  I turned. She unlaced my corset and let it fall to the floor. I had been naked in front of her and half of the club dozens of times but I hadn’t felt vulnerable before. Vanessa took my hand and walked me to the wall where two shackles hung. She took one of my arms and secured it to the wall and then did the same to the other.

  She brushed my hair away from my shoulder and leaned forward so that her lips grazed my ear as she said, “I want you to feel this when you wake up tomorrow morning and think of me. I want you to think of me when you see the bruises in the mirror and every time it hurts to sit down.”

  My breath caught in anticipation and all my worries flew away. This was what I wanted. Vanessa’s complete attention, her discipline, her pain.

  She slipped a blindfold over my eyes and for a second I could feel the panic building in my chest. Vanessa ran a hand down my back and over my bum, soothing my anxiety, remind
ing me whom I was there to serve. Then the contact was broken and I waited in anticipation of the first strike.

  “Count,” she ordered as she brought the paddle down on my arse cheeks.

  “One,” I cried out as pain warmed my arse. “Two. Three. Four. Five,” I whimpered as the pain seemed to spread, to consume the entire area.

  “Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven.”

  My voice sounded further away, the pain dulled now. I floated, blissfully unaware of everything except the paddle and then Vanessa’s hands tracing the path where the paddle had been. Vanessa’s voice telling me how well I had taken my punishment, how good I was.

  She pulled the blindfold from my eyes and released my arms. I felt my legs wobble. Her arms wound around my waist and I leaned back against her, closing my eyes to block out the lights, dim though they were.

  “You were perfect,” she said.

  She brushed her lips against my neck, flicked her tongue out against my pulse and then bit down gently.

  “You make me want to mark you so that everyone will know that you’re mine.”

  “You don’t need to mark me to make me yours.”

  She led me to a chair nearby and sat down, pulling me onto her lap. I curled up against her, satisfied in a way that I never felt after sex.

  She ran a hand over my hair and pushed my head back before claiming my mouth in a kiss. Her hand found my nipple and she rolled it gently between her fingers. My nipple hardened and my pussy hummed with arousal. Her other hand brushed over my pussy. Her touch was soft but my body felt so sensitive. I pushed my hips up, whimpered into her mouth, needing her to touch me, to make me come.

  She pulled back from the kiss, released my nipple and placed both of her hands on my hips.

  “Let’s get you dressed and head home.”

  “Home?”

  I tried to think past the fog that lingered in my brain, through the arousal that wouldn’t go away.

  “Have I done something wrong?”

  The thought that I had somehow displeased her made my heart clench.

  “No, you’ve been perfect,” she assured me. “But I need to fuck you and there’s no sex allowed here.”

  She caught my mouth again in a kiss before allowing me to climb to my feet and helping me back into my clothes. She took my hand and I followed her out of the club, barely noticing our mutual friends as we passed them. In that moment she was everything and nothing and no one else mattered.