by Noelle Adams
“I’m sorry,” Ken murmured. “I know you didn’t want this. I tried to... but Jacob is pretty smart.”
“I know he is. And the truth is it’s been hard to keep it from Ria and Skye. They both know something is going on with me. They’ve tried to be patient, but I know it’s bothering them that I won’t tell.”
Ken was desperate enough to take a very big risk. “Would it be so bad?” he asked softly. Gently. “If they found out? Would it be so bad?”
“Yes.” She gulped visibly. “It would be bad.”
Ken tried to hold back the next thing, but his chest was aching painfully now and he simply couldn’t help it. “Why?”
“Because if three people know, then everyone is eventually going to know. That’s just how these things work.”
“And why would that be so bad? So what if people know about us?”
“So what?” Her voice broke, and her eyes were huge as she turned them to gaze up at him. “You know so what, Ken. You know this had to be a secret.”
Past tense.
She was now using past tense to talk about them.
Ken was so desperate he reached out to hold on to her upper arm. Not hard or forceful. More like clinging to a lifeline. “I know you wanted it that way, and it made it easier. But is it really that... that necessary? What would it change?”
“Everything! It would change everything. Everyone will think... I’m your girlfriend. And I can’t be that. I want to be what we’ve been.” There were tears in her eyes now. “Ken, how could you...?” She trailed off, but he heard the faint accusation in her tone.
“I didn’t tell anyone,” he gritted out. “Not anyone. I kept your secret.” He heard the tinge of anger in his voice. He’d always prided himself on never losing his temper. Even when he felt it, he never showed it. He honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d sounded angry with anyone.
Madeline obviously heard it too. She flinched back, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I’m sorry,” she choked out. “I know you didn’t tell. That’s not what I meant.”
She looked so broken he couldn’t stop himself, He reached out to cup her cheek. For just a moment she leaned into his hand, like she needed the comfort.
Then she pulled away. “We can’t talk about this here. We need to do it later.”
Her response to his touch had given him a surge of hope, but her withdrawal slammed the rising hope back into the ground.
She was going to break up with him now. He knew it for sure. That was why she wanted them to be alone.
It was only fair to wait for privacy to break someone’s heart.
He took a few shuddering breaths until he managed to pull himself together. He gave a jerky nod. “Okay. We’ll finish this tonight.”
He couldn’t get anything else said—not without losing it completely—so he turned around and walked away.
Six
MADELINE WAS SO UPSET she went to the bathroom and cried silently for a couple of minutes after Ken left.
She wished she wasn’t so terrified about any change in their relationship. She wished she could react more reasonably and maturely. But things were so good right now. She was happy with Ken. And the intelligent part of herself knew it couldn’t last. Knew it was so good because it wasn’t real.
Real relationships were hard. Took work. You had to pour yourself into them, and even then they often fell apart. She’d lived through that with Josh, and she couldn’t stand to feel that way about Ken. She was still too exhausted to go through all that.
She didn’t want to be a girlfriend. Not again. Not yet.
She just wanted to enjoy life for a little while longer.
So she cried briefly—mostly just to relieve the emotional tension—and then she pulled herself back into her typical composure and tried to work. She did manage to get some stuff done, but she was distracted and broody all day, constantly wondering what Ken was thinking, whether he was getting annoyed by her insistence on secrecy, if he was ready for this thing between them to end.
That possibility upset her a lot more than it should.
Her shift at the library ended at four, and she walked back to her apartment, counting the hours until she could talk to Ken. He always worked until six. Sometimes later if there was something big going on in the county. Then he would head back to his house to eat dinner, walk Marlowe, and give the dog some attention. He never came over to her place until well after dark.
It would be a long time before she would be able to talk to him and either fix things or resign herself to this being the end.
She really hoped it wasn’t.
If it was, it would be her own fault for not handling it better.
In her typical fashion, she mentally played out one scenario after another, imagining every possibility for what might happen and then reimagining what could have happened if she’d done better in the past. She spent a full ten minutes visualizing what her life might look like if she’d not wasted so much of it on Josh—how she could have fallen naturally into a relationship with Ken without any of these complications. None of this did a thing to abate her anxiety, and she was so caught up in thinking that instead of walking farther down the block to her apartment, she turned in to Second Chance Flower Shop without thinking.
She had no idea why she was even there until she saw Skye, who was sitting behind the counter, look up from her laptop and smile with genuine pleasure at seeing Madeline. “Hey,” she began. “I didn’t know you were—” She broke off as her blue eyes scanned her friend’s face. “What’s the matter?”
Madeline shook her head. The “nothing” she murmured was automatic. An instinctive brushing off of attention.
“Why do you always say that when it’s obvious that something is wrong?” Skye closed her laptop and stood up. “Nothing much is happening right now. Come on into the back and talk to us.”
For just a moment Madeline considered objecting. She’d spent so much of her life keeping the deepest things to herself. But she’d come here for a reason, whether she’d realized it or not as she’d opened the shop door. She was upset, and her friends would always help.
So she followed Skye into the back room, where Ria was supposed to be working. She wasn’t working. She was lounging in the one comfortable chair in the room, and she jerked upright at their entrance. “I wasn’t napping!”
Madeline couldn’t help but laugh. “That would be more convincing if we hadn’t caught you doing exactly that.”
“Well, maybe I was closing my eyes for just a minute.” Ria flashed a quick smile. “I got up way too early this morning for a pickup since Fitz couldn’t—” She broke off midsentence. “What’s the matter?”
“See, I told you it was obvious something was bothering you,” Skye said, jumping up to sit on the edge of one of the worktables. “Now tell us.”
Madeline looked from one of them to the other. She wanted to explain but didn’t know where to begin. She hadn’t even told them she’d been seeing Ken for the past month, and she suddenly felt incredibly guilty about keeping that secret from them.
“Does this have something to do with your rebound fling?” Ria asked slowly.
Madeline froze for a moment. Then nodded.
Ria’s dark eyes were thoughtful. Knowing. “Jacob mentioned a conversation he had this morning. Was he putting the pieces together correctly?”
“What conversation?” Skye asked, frowning and obviously displeased about being the last to know.
“Yes,” Madeline admitted, relieved at having an easy segue into the truth. “He put the pieces together right.” Sighing, she turned to Skye and explained, “Jacob was talking to Ken this morning, and I guess Ken wouldn’t tell him who he’d been seeing for the past month. Because it’s supposed to be a secret. Because he’s been seeing me.”
It wasn’t as bad as she’d thought it would be, saying it out loud.
“He’s been seeing you?” Skye repeated slowly. “Ken? Ken Harley?” Her eyes grew bigge
r and bigger as awareness caught up to her until they were as wide and round as Madeline had ever seen them.
Madeline’s cheeks were hot, but she managed to keep her expression composed. “Yeah. We’ve been... having a thing.”
“But he’s...” Skye didn’t finish the thought. Ria had obviously had some preparation for this news, but Skye hadn’t. She was visibly shocked.
“He’s what?” Ridiculously, Madeline felt defensive. Almost protective of Ken. “He’s a good guy.”
“Of course he’s a good guy! He’s a great guy. But he’s... he’s...”
“He’s not that old. He’s only about ten years older than us. He’s just thirty-six. He’s not too old.”
“I didn’t say he was too old. I don’t think he’s old at all. But he’s...” Skye looked over to Ria for help, but Ria obviously didn’t know what she was trying to say.
“He’s pretty hot. At least I think he is.” Madeline wished she didn’t sound so defensive.
“He’s smoking hot,” Skye said. “I’ve always thought so. But he’s... Sheriff!”
Madeline giggled stupidly as she finally realized what the roadblock was for Skye. “Yeah. I know that. But that doesn’t have anything to do with how we’re together. I never thought about him like this before. Not at all. Not until about a month ago. Then it sort of hit us out of the blue. I don’t know where it came from, but both of us felt it.”
“So you’re really dating Ken Harley?” Ria asked softly, almost gently.
“No!” The word burst out a little louder than Madeline intended. “I mean, we’re not dating. We’ve been sleeping together, but it’s casual. Just casual. Exactly like I told you before. It’s just a rebound fling. It’s not going to go anywhere. Both of us know it. We’re just... we’re just having fun for a while.”
Ria licked her lips, obviously hesitating before she said the next thing. “Are you sure that’s all it is? Because Ken strikes me as a pretty old-fashioned guy. He doesn’t take relationships lightly. And neither do you, if you want to know the truth.”
“I know it’s not like me, but that’s why it’s been so good. I don’t have to bring all my issues and insecurities and overblown sense of responsibility. I can just... just be with him. I’ve really liked it. It feels... free.”
“That’s great then,” Skye said. “You deserve to feel free and have fun. But if that’s all it is, why are you upset today?”
“Because Ken came to tell me about his conversation with Jacob, and we ended up having a weird little argument. And, I don’t know, these casual flings have a shelf life, and I feel like we might have reached ours.”
“And you don’t want it to end?” Ria asked.
Madeline shook her head.
“Because you secretly love him?” Skye said in a stage whisper.
“No, I don’t love him! I like him, and I’m hot for him, but I don’t love him. But I’m really enjoying this. He makes me feel good about myself, and I haven’t felt that way for a long time.”
“If he makes you feel so good about yourself, then that seems like there’s potential for more than just sex.” Ria was frowning, clearly trying to understand. “Right?”
“No, it’s not right. He makes me feel good about myself because there’s not all the weight of a real relationship. If it was serious, everything would change. I don’t want it to change. I don’t want to be his girlfriend. I don’t.”
“But Ken wants it to change?”
“No. I don’t think so. I mean, he’s never said he does.” Her stomach did a few flip-flops at the possibility of Ken being discontent with what they had.
“Then what did you get in an argument about if you’re both happy with the way things are?” Skye asked.
“I don’t even know. He’s never cared as much as I have about other people knowing about us, and he wanted to know why it’s such a big deal that Jacob found out.”
“Why is it a big deal?” Ria’s voice was still careful, like she was feeling her way through a minefield.
Madeline groaned and leaned back against the table. “Why do you think it’s a big deal? If too many people find out, then the whole town will know. And he’s the sheriff! Everyone will be assuming we’re engaged or something, and then they’ll all be talking about me and analyzing me and wondering what the hell he sees in me and then debating about what we’re even doing together. It would be horrible. A casual fling could never stand up against the force of that kind of gossip. I can’t do it. I won’t do it. If everyone finds out, it will be over. And I don’t want it to be over yet.” She was babbling and couldn’t seem to stop. She bit her lip and took a few deep breaths, willing the tears out of her voice and eyes.
It didn’t work. A couple of them streamed out, sliding down her cheeks and plopping onto her shirt.
“Oh no, Madeline,” Skye said, scooting over so she could wrap an arm around her shoulders. “It’s not that bad. It’s not going to be like that.”
“How do you know?”
“Because right now only I, Ria, and Jacob know. Right?”
“Right.” Madeline sniffed.
“Well, we’re not going to say a word. Right?”
“Right,” Ria confirmed. “Obviously, Skye and I won’t, and Jacob won’t breathe a word about it either. I promise he won’t. Everyone isn’t going to find out from us.”
“Okay. Thanks.” She let out a shaky breath.
“But you’re not going to be able to keep something like this secret forever. We won’t tell, but eventually someone who isn’t so discreet is going to find out. So it wouldn’t be a bad idea to be prepared for that.” Ria’s eyes were sober. Very kind.
“I know. I’ll try. I know this can’t last forever. These kinds of things never do. But it’s making me happy. He’s making me happy. And I don’t want to give him up yet.”
Madeline saw Ria and Skye exchanging glances, and she knew how to read it. They weren’t convinced she was being honest with herself about her feelings.
The idea riled her up a little, but she worked through it. They didn’t have to fully understand. They loved her and wanted the best for her and they would try to comprehend and believe her.
It was enough.
“So what are you going to do?” Skye asked. “Are you going to see him tonight? Was it a bad enough argument that you won’t see each other right away?”
“I don’t know. It was hardly an argument. It was just... tense. But I can’t wait all night not knowing what he’s thinking about everything, so I’ll need to talk to him tonight. He usually texts when he’s done with work. He’ll probably come over.”
“I can’t believe you’ve been having hot sex with Sheriff Harley all this time and you’ve never told us!” Skye was grinning now.
“I don’t actually think about him as Sheriff Harley when we’re together.”
“Then how do you think about him? Sheriff Studmuffin?” Skye flashed a glimpse of a dimple.
“No!” Madeline gave the other woman a playful swat. “I think about him as Ken.”
Her cheeks were still flushed. She was still kind of embarrassed about the confession, even to people she loved and trusted as much as she did her friends.
But she also felt a lot better. Like her whole world might not fall down around her ears.
She would wait for Ken to touch base with her. He normally took the initiative, something she really appreciated since it didn’t leave her wondering about what he was really feeling. And if he didn’t tonight, then she would text him. Or call him. Or go over to talk to him.
She would have to be brave. She couldn’t go the whole night without talking to him.
Without knowing where they could go from there.
IT WAS A LONG, TERRIBLE day for Ken. Not only was he heavy and distracted about Madeline, but there was also a bad accident involving an overturned tractor trailer on a county road that took up most of his time and all the emotional energy he had remaining.
He didn’t get h
ome until seven, and he was so drained and exhausted he couldn’t even fix himself dinner. He took off his jacket and belt, toed off his shoes, and collapsed into his recliner. An ecstatic Marlowe climbed up on top of him and wriggled his joy at Ken’s return.
Ken stroked the dog and tried to calm him down enough that he’d stop poking him painfully in the gut and groin with his too-big paws.
After about ten minutes of hellos, the dog settled down, flopping down on his lap, his head resting on Ken’s chest and his eyes fixed devotedly on his face.
“I know,” Ken said. “It’s not any fun to wait patiently for your person to show up, especially when it feels like they never will.”
The dog whimpered in response and gave Ken’s face a long, slow swipe with his tongue.
“I don’t know if she wants me to call her,” Ken added. “I think she might be done with me. She might be my person, but I don’t think I’m hers.”
Marlowe clearly had no idea how to deal with this information, so he gave Ken another sloppy kiss.
“I just want to see her tonight. Not even for sex. Just to... be with her.” Ken sighed and closed his eyes, reclining farther back in his chair. “Is that too pathetic?”
Marlowe clearly didn’t believe such a sentiment was pathetic at all. If anyone knew about waiting faithfully for the presence of a beloved, without any hope of reward other than simple fellowship, it was a dog. He squirmed higher up on Ken’s body so he could press his head in the crook of Ken’s neck.
It wasn’t a very comfortable position. In fact, the dog was so enthusiastic in his cuddling that he threatened to close up Ken’s windpipe. But Ken wouldn’t have moved him for the world.
“I guess it’s just you and me for a while. We’ll call the girls before bedtime so we can at least talk to them for a few minutes. That will be okay, won’t it?”
He was so tired he didn’t have his normal control over his emotions. His voice cracked slightly, which made him feel more pathetic than ever.
What was wrong with him?
Madeline was a normal person. She wasn’t some kind of angel sent down from heaven just to make his life better. And he’d known what this relationship was capable of giving him from the beginning. Sex. Temporary pleasure. Nothing more.