Erika’s mom. The only person on the earth who was more dramatic and annoying than Erika herself. How was Alyssa related to these people?
She hurried over to the sink, where she drowned my cigarette, sending it through the garbage disposal. She muttered to herself as she began to scrub the plate over and over again.
An awkward silence took over the room, as Kellan and I stared at his fiancée, who seemed to be level five hundred crazy that day.
“So…” Kellan said, rocking back and forth. “Want to go check out Jacob’s restaurant?” he asked.
“Yup,” I replied, faster than the speed of light. Jacob was an old friend who I hadn’t spoken to since I snapped on him about his porn collection. I wasn’t certain how the reunion would go, but I was hopeful that it would be better than the reunification with Erika.
We hurried out of the door before Erika could grow any angrier.
“You think she’s still not over me almost burning down her last apartment?” I asked, with a smirk on my face.
“Oh, she’s definitely not over you almost burning down her apartment,” Kellan laughed.
“Give me a break. It was a mistake.”
“That cost her four thousand dollars, yeah. An expensive mistake. But she’ll get over it, no worries.”
“Kellan, why am I here?”
Before he could reply, the front door opened. “You can stay in one of the guestrooms,” Erika said, nodding toward Kellan. Her eyes locked with mine, and she seemed calmer than before. Maybe the intense cleaning session balanced out her mojo. “I’ll put your bag in there.”
“Thanks, Erika. It means a lot to me,” I replied.
“We’ll be back in time for dinner,” Kellan said, kissing her cheek.
“We?” she asked, her voice heightening with concern.
“We,” he said, pointing toward himself and me. She tried her best not to cringe, but she definitely cringed.
“Oh, wonderful. I’ll just, somehow, make the meatloaf big enough for four instead of three people. And I’ll set an extra placemat.” I could feel her annoyance floating in the air, but she smiled and slowly walked back inside and shut the door.
“I think she and I are officially best friends,” I laughed.
“The bestest of friends,” he agreed. “Speaking of… How was it seeing Alyssa?”
“Fine,” I lied. “I just plan on avoiding her the best I can.”
“Good,” he said, walking down the front porch. “It’s probably for the best that those feelings from the past are gone, huh? Maybe you can forgive, forget, and both move on now.”
“Yeah. I felt nothing being around her actually. So, that’s good.” That was the truth, too. And by ‘truth’ I meant the ugliest lie. I remembered the words Alyssa said earlier at the diner.
“Home is always home. Even when you don’t want it to be.”
After all of the time that passed, after all of the distance, Alyssa Marie Walters still somehow felt like home to me.
I wasn’t certain how to handle that fact, which was exactly why I needed a one-way ticket away from True Falls, Wisconsin.
Fast.
18
Alyssa
“On a scale of one to ten, how long did you know Logan was in town before you figured to call me? One being you had no clue, ten being, ‘I secretly hate my sister,’” I asked Erika through the phone, juggling my keys as I tried to get into my house. Ever since Logan and I crossed paths at the restaurant, my nerves had been shot. I couldn’t think straight, I felt nauseous, I felt anger…I felt…relief?
A big part of me sometimes doubted that Logan was still alive, even though Kellan would give me updates every now and then.
“Trust me, I had no clue,” Erika said. I finally opened my front door and within seconds, I was flopped on my sofa. “Kellan sent out an S.O.S. for him I guess. It’s a mess. He’s supposed to be staying with us for a while.”
“A while?” I asked, perking up. “How long is a while? Is he there now?” I debated walking over to her house just to see his face. Just to make sure he was real.
“Aly,” she scolded, her voice sounding a lot like Mom’s when she’d discipline us as kids. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t go back down that road. Logan Silverstone is out of your life. And I think it’s best if we keep it that way.”
How is he supposed to stay out of my life if he’s literally blocks away from me, staying with my sister?
“I was just curious, Erika. Seriously.” I paused, listening to the noise coming through the phone. She was rearranging her whole house; I just knew it. I could hear her pushing the furniture around. Whenever Erika was nervous or upset, she always rearranged things, or accidentally broke items, which she would quickly run to the store to replace. It was a weird quirk about her, but I left a boy a message each day for almost five years—everyone had their weird quirks. “Wow, he must have really gotten under your skin,” I said, pulling out a tube of lipstick and applying it over and over again. “I can hear you moving things around.”
“Can you blame me? It’s like the ghost of Christmas past showing up and saying, ‘Oh? Are you under some stress? Well, let me come screw things up a little more for you.’”
“How many plates have you broken so far?”
“Only one, thankfully,” she sighed. “I had extras in the storage closet though.” Of course she did. She was always ready for almost any kind of incident. “He was smoking and leaving ashes on my saucer, Alyssa! Who does that?”
I snickered. “Better than on your five hundred dollar coffee table.”
“Do you think that’s funny?”
A little.
“No, it’s not funny. Sorry. Look, I’m sure after a few days, things will get back to normal. You probably won’t even know that Logan’s there.”
“Do you think he’s still using?” she whispered through the phone. “Kellan’s in denial, but I don’t know. I think this is a terrible, terrible idea. The timing couldn’t be worse.”
“He looked good,” I said, walking to my bathroom, staring in the mirror at my messy lips with too much ruby red color to them. I picked up a wet wipe and started wiping the lipstick away, thinking about Logan’s eyes that reminded me so much of yesterday. “He actually looked really great. Healthy.”
“You don’t worry, though? That he’ll relapse? Being back in this place where all of his trouble started can’t be good.”
“I think that we shouldn’t overthink everything. One day at a time. One broken plate at a time, Erika.”
She snickered. “Are you sure you don’t want to come over to join us for dinner? Mom will be here to greet Logan.”
Oh no. Poor Logan.
My mom was far from his biggest fan. And the last time Logan saw her, he called her a belittling monster.
“As much as I would love to be a part of that train wreck, I think I’ll have to pass.” Seeing Logan earlier made my mind dizzy. I wasn’t certain that I could’ve handled seeing him again. Even if a big part of my heart wanted to stare at him, just to make sure he was real. “Anyway, have fun tonight, and text me all of the disastrous details.”
“Will do. And Alyssa?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t fall back down the Logan rabbit hole. No good comes from that.”
“I won’t. And Erika?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t break a freaking lamp.”
“Deal.”
I pulled out the box.
The box that was supposed to be destroyed years ago. The box that Erika thought I got rid of because I let him go after the million voice messages I’d left him. But it was packed under my mattress, with all of our memories inside.
I took off the lid and went through all of the photos of us from when we were younger. I lifted the pressed daisy from when he first kissed me. I pulled out the teddy bear he stole from the amusement park when the guy cheated me out of the main prize.
&nb
sp; The ticket stubs from the movies we went to.
The birthday cards he always handmade me.
His lighter.
“Why did you have to do this to me?” I whispered, lifting the red hoodie that he gave to me the first time we hung out. I smelled it, and could almost still smell the cigarette smoke traces that he left in the fabric. “Why did you have to come back?”
In the bottom of the box was a framed silver fork. I closed my eyes as I held it in my hands. I sat in the pile of memories until it was time to pack up the box and put it back under my bed.
I’d get rid of them one day, I was certain of it.
Just not today.
19
Logan
I was amazed when we walked into Jacob’s restaurant, Bro’s Bistro. It was so cool to see how Jacob turned his life around. When we were younger, we used to smoke weed and joke about how we both wanted to be chefs and to own restaurants. It was cool to see his dream live in action.
“Well I’ll be damned! Look what the cat dragged in,” Jacob exclaimed from behind the large bar. “Logan Silverstone. I didn’t ever think I’d see you back in these parts of town.” His hair was buzzed short and he had that same big, goofy smile that he always showcased in the past.
I smiled. “It’s been a long time, man, that’s for sure.”
“You look good,” he said, hurrying over to me, giving me a bear hug. “Healthy.”
“Trying man. Trying. This place is amazing, Jacob.”
“Yeah, yeah. It’s still early,” he said. “I’ll get a bit of a rush closer to seven or eight. And tomorrow is open mic night, where you’ll find your brother performing.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “Seriously? I haven’t heard you play the guitar and sing in a long ass time, Kellan.”
“Yeah. I’m trying to go back to the things I love, ya know? Life is too short to not do what makes you happy.”
“That’s the truth. This place is real cool though, Jacob. It’s not every day that someone has a dream and makes it come true,” I said as he walked me through the whole place, showing me everything. “You’re doing it, though. You’re living your dream.”
“Trying to,” he laughed. “Turns out running your own restaurant is really fucking hard.”
“Just thinking about it is tiring.”
“Rumor has it you got your culinary degree while you’ve been in Iowa?” he asked, leading Kellan and I to the bar.
“I did indeed. I didn’t think I could, but…” Alyssa always knew. “But I did it.”
He smiled wide. “Shit. That’s awesome man. Who would’ve thought two fucked up kids like us would’ve made it to college? What can I get you two? Beer? Girly martinis?” Jacob asked, wiping down the bar.
“I’ll have a water,” Kellan said.
I laughed. “Still the wild party animal that I knew you to be, brother. I’ll have a Bud Light,” I told Jacob.
Kellan arched a brow. “I see you’re just as wild and crazy as I am.”
Jacob grabbed the drinks and set them in front of us before he placed his elbows on the countertop. He clasped his fingers together, resting his head on his fists. “So, Iowa, huh? What the hell is there to do in Iowa?”
“Absolutely what you think there would be to do. Nothing. Work, sleep, women, and weed. Wash, rinse, repeat.”
Kellan grimaced at the mention of weed the same way Alyssa did. “Give me a break, Kellan. I’m not using anything else. Just a little pot here and there.”
“I just don’t want you to slip up, that’s all.”
“I haven’t in years. I’m good.” I cleared my throat. “By the way, thanks for helping me with last month’s rent. And the month before that…” My words faded off into a whisper. “And the month before that…” Even though I had a degree, finding a real job had been quite the struggle.
“Anytime,” he smiled, knowing I was changing the subject, but he allowed it. “But let’s make sure we never mention that to Erika, all right?”
Jacob laughed. “That must be weird, Kellan.”
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Having your balls gripped that tight by a woman.”
I snickered. “I’m surprised that he still has any balls.”
“Fuck you guys. So Erika is a bit of a…” Kellan scrunched up his nose, looking for the right word.
“Control freak?” Jacob offered.
“Pushy?” I said.
“Dramatic?”
“Extremely dramatic?!”
“Mothering?”
“Belittling?” I joked.
“Stable,” Kellan said, drinking his water. “Erika is stable. She’s everything that keeps me grounded. She’s a handful, yeah, but I would choose her hand to hold any day because she’s strong. She’s my anchor.”
Jacob and I went silent, a bit stunned.
“Wow,” Jacob breathed out a heavy sigh. “That’s just…” His eyes watered up. “That’s just so fucking cheesy.”
I laughed. “The ultimate cheese.”
“It’s like gouda and brie had a baby and Kellan popped out.” Jacob smirked.
“Screw off. I wouldn’t expect two single dumbasses to understand anything about relationships,” Kellan said. “So you like the place?”
“Like it? It’s amazing. I bet the food tastes just as good as it looks here. If I lived here, I’d be in this place every day.”
A wicked grin found its way to Kellan’s face, and it wasn’t long before Jacob’s face had the same look of pleasure. “It’s funny you should mention that, because Jacob and I were talking… If you were to stay in town, you’d have a built in job. He’s looking for a chef,” Kellan offered.
“It pays well. I mean, the head boss man is a total dick, but it’s a good job,” Jacob added.
I laughed, because it was a ridiculous idea. I stopped laughing when I saw how serious they both were. “No offense, Kellan. But seeing how there’s no wedding happening any time soon, I’m on the first train back to Iowa.”
“Yeah? Can you afford a train ticket back?” Kellan asked me.
I cocked an eyebrow. “What? You said you would cover the ticket.”
“Not true. I told you I’d get your ticket out here. I didn’t say anything about sending you back.”
“Fuck off,” I huffed once. I turned to face my brother, confusion in my stare. “You’re serious, aren’t you?” I glanced at Jacob. “He’s freaking serious, isn’t he?”
“I’m just saying, brother. This is your home. And you’re always welcomed home.”
“You’re holding me hostage,” I replied, bewildered.
“We’re offering you a job,” he replied. “Listen, if you really want a one-way ticket back to Iowa, I’ll buy it in the morning. But the offer is always there for you.” Kellan was really pushing the idea of me staying, and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why. True Falls wasn’t a place I considered home anymore. It was just the past demons of my life.
“I’ll take the one-way ticket. No offense, Kellan. I love you, I do. But this town? I can’t stay here and stay sane. I just can’t.”
He nodded in understanding. “I get it. Just thought I’d offer.”
I thanked him.
“So, you ran into Alyssa earlier? What’s your plan of attack if that happens again?” Kellan asked.
“I’m going to ignore her, and push her away. She and I can’t go backwards. I can’t go down that road anymore, and she is definitely better off without me. But,” I said, changing the subject, “It’s good to see that you got clean, Jacob.”
He nodded. “It wasn’t that long after you left town, actually. One day I woke up and just couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t go to rehab, but I did the church thing for a while, which helped. I haven’t been to church in years now, but it did affect me enough that I became an ordained minister.”
I chuckled. “No way.”
He smirked, pointing his thumbs at his chest. “If you’re ever looking to get married, kee
p this handsome dude in mind.” Out of nowhere, Jacob leaned forward with the most solemn expression I’d ever seen him have before. “Logan, on a serious note, I do have to ask you something really important…”
I sighed, knowing I couldn’t avoid the questions that a lot of people probably had for me. The same kinds of questions Sadie shot my way at the motel. How was rehab? Have you slipped up? Do you still think about using? “Yeah, Jacob?”
“How the everlasting-fuck do you keep your hair so perfect? It’s shinier than anything I’ve ever seen. And that volume! Shit. I have a damn receding hairline, and had to buzz cut it just to look semi-decent.”
“Oh my God,” Kellan moaned, rolling his eyes. “Don’t get him started on his hair.”
“I told you, Kel, that envy is a sin.” I snickered. “Once a month, deep condition with egg yolks and avocados.”
“For real?”
“For real. But when you wash it out after forty-five minutes, don’t use hot water. Otherwise you’ll have scrambled eggs in your hair that you’ll be picking the pieces out for a week. Plus, the splash of cold water is good for your hair follicles, helping it grow in healthier and stronger. I can make you a list of all of the products I use if you want.”
“No shit? You’ll do that?”
“Sure, no biggie.”
“I can’t believe this conversation is seriously happening right now,” Kellan sighed, rolling his eyes so hard I thought they’d get stuck in the back of his head. He might’ve had a better life than I did growing up, but the joke was on him nowadays—because at least my hair was fucking amazing while his was ceasing to exist.
We stayed at the restaurant for a while longer, not talking about the past, not talking about the future, but just enjoying the current moment.
“I hate to break this reunion up, but we better get back to help Erika set up for the dinner,” Kellan said.
I stood up from the booth and held my hand out toward Jacob, and he gripped my hold. “Good to see you, Jacob.”
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