“Why do you hate her so much?” I blurted out. “She’s the best person I’ve ever met.”
“Then you need to meet more people.”
My chest was on fire at the idea of this monster taking my child from me. “You cannot come back and just decide you’re ready to be a mother. That’s not how it works, and I would never in my life let you do that. You have no right to her, Jane. You are nothing to that child. You mean nothing to her. You’re merely a human who abandoned a child because of your own selfish needs. You are not equipped to take my child away from me, even if you are a lawyer.”
“I can do it,” she said confidently, but I noticed the vein popping out of her head from her anger building. “I won’t stand around and see my daughter be transformed into the person Lucy is.” Her words made my skin crawl. I hated the way she spoke as if Lucy was the monster in our lives. As if Lucy hadn’t saved me from myself. As if Lucy was anything less than a miracle.
“And who are you to say who Talon can and cannot be around?” I asked, my chest aching as my heart beat rapidly.
“I’m her mother!”
“And I’m her father!”
“No, you’re not!” she screamed, the back of her throat burning from anger as her words bounced off the walls and slammed into my soul.
It was as if a bomb went off in the living room and shook the entire foundation of my life. “What?” I asked, my eyes narrow and low. “What did you just say to me?”
“What?” a voice questioned from behind us. Lucy stood there with Talon in the stroller, stunned.
Jane’s body was still, except for her shaky hands. When her eyes met Talon’s, her shoulders rounded, and I saw it happen—her heart started to break, but I didn’t care. Not for a moment did I care about her pained expression. All I cared about was the fact that she was trying to tear my family away from me.
“I said, you’re…” She swallowed hard, looking at the floor.
“Look at me,” I ordered, my voice stern and loud. Her head rose and she blinked once before releasing a heavy sigh. “Now repeat yourself.”
“You’re not her father.”
She was lying.
She was evil.
She was dirty.
She was the monster I always thought I would be.
“How dare you walk in here with your lies to try to take her,” I whispered low, trying my best not to let them overtake me—my shadows, my ghosts, my fears.
“It’s not…” She grimaced and shook her head back. “I, um…”
“It’s time for you to leave,” I said, sounding strong, hiding my fear. A part of me believed her. A part of me felt as if there was always that feeling somewhere deep in the back of my mind and I just did my best to hide it, but a bigger part of me looked at Talon and saw pieces of me in her stare. I saw myself in her smile. I saw the best parts of me in her soul. She was mine, and I was hers.
“You were on a book tour,” she whispered, her voice shaky. “I, um, I was sick for weeks around that time, and I remember being annoyed that you went a week without even checking on me while you were on the road.”
My mind started racing back to that time period, trying to grasp any memories, trying to pick up any kind of clues. Talon had been early. When I’d thought she was thirty-one weeks, she was twenty-eight, but I hadn’t let that idea simmer. Talon was my daughter. My baby. My heart. I couldn’t imagine that being anything less than true. “You had the flu, and you kept calling me.”
“I just wanted…” She paused, unsure what else to say. “He stopped by to check on me.”
Lucy’s voice was low. “Who’s he?” she asked.
Jane didn’t reply, but I knew exactly who Jane was speaking of. She’d told me the story many times. How caring he was, while I was cold. How he was gentle to all people. How he was always there for strangers, and truly there for those he loved.
“My father,” I said, my voice cracking. Kent Theodore Russell, a man, a father, a hero.
My personal hell.
There were parts of me that I saw in Talon’s eyes, but a bigger part of me looked at Talon and saw pieces of him in her stare. I saw him in her smile. I saw parts of him in her soul—and yet, she was not his, and he was not hers.
Even so, it was enough to break my soul.
“You should go,” Lucy told Jane.
Jane stood up straight and shook her head. “If anyone should go, it’s you.”
“No,” I scolded, uncertain how my heart was still beating. “If anyone should go, it is you. Right now.”
Jane went to argue, but she saw it—the fire inside me. She knew if she got one step closer, I would burn her to the ground. She gathered her things and left after stating that she’d be back.
When she was gone, I hurried over to Talon and lifted her in my arms. How could she not be my world?
She was mine, and I was hers.
I was hers, and she was mine.
She’d saved me.
She’d given me something worth living for, and now Jane had come back to try to rip that away from me.
“Can you watch her?” I asked Lucy, feeling the world crashing against me. She walked over and took her from my hold. Lucy’s hand landed on my arm and I pulled away slightly.
“Talk to me,” she said.
I shook my head and walked away, not speaking a word. I went to my office, closed the door behind me, and sat staring at the blinking cursor on my computer screen.
I hated him. I hated how he controlled me. I hated that even after death, he had still somehow destroyed my life.
30
Thanksgiving
“You must be the woman who’s inspiring my son’s writing,” Kent said, walking into Graham’s home seconds before he was about to leave with Jane to go introduce her to Professor Oliver for the first time.
“What are you doing here?” Graham asked his father, coldness in his voice, harshness in his stare.
“It’s Thanksgiving, son. I was hoping we could catch up. I saw your last book hit number one, and we haven’t celebrated the success of it yet.” Kent smiled over at Jane, who was staring his way with wide eyes, as if it were a legend standing before her instead of a monster. “He takes after his father.”
“I’m nothing like you,” Graham barked.
Kent snickered. “No, you’re a bit grumpier.”
Jane giggled, and the sound drove Graham insane. He despised how everyone laughed when they were around Kent.
“We’re leaving for a dinner,” Graham told Kent, wanting nothing more than for him to leave.
“Then I’ll be quick. Listen, my publicist was wondering if you’d do an interview for ABC News with me. He thinks it will be great for both of our careers.”
“I don’t do interviews, especially with you.”
Kent bit his lip and his mouth slightly twitched. It was a warning sign that he was growing upset, but over the years, he’d learned how to control it around strangers. Graham, however, knew the look well, and he knew the anger that simmered under his father’s surface.
“Just think about it,” he said, a bit of bark in his tone that Jane missed. Kent turned to her and gave her the smile that made all people fall for him. “What’s your name, sweetheart?”
“Jane, and I have to say I am your biggest fan,” she gushed.
Kent smiled wider. “Bigger fan than you are of my son?”
Graham grimaced. “We’re leaving.”
“Okay, okay. Just email me if you change your mind, and, Jane,” Kent said, taking her hand and kissing it. “It was a pleasure to meet such a beauty. My son is a lucky man.”
Jane’s cheeks reddened and she thanked him for his kind words.
As he turned to leave, he allowed his eyes to dance across Jane’s figure one last time before he spoke to Graham. “I know we’ve had some tough times, Graham. I know things haven’t always been easy for us, but I want to fix that. I think this interview is a step in that direction. Hopefully soon you’ll let me
back into your life. Happy Thanksgiving, son.”
Kent drove off, leaving Graham and Jane standing on the porch. Jane shifted her feet around. “He seems lovely,” she commented.
Graham lowered his brows and stuffed his hands into his slacks, walking toward his car. “You do not know anything about the monster you speak of. You’re merely falling into his trap.”
She hurried behind him, trying to keep up in her high heels. “But still,” she argued. “He was kind.”
She didn’t say anything else, but Graham knew what she was thinking—that Kent was kind, funny, charming, and the opposite of the man Graham presented himself to be.
Kent radiated light while Graham lived in the shadows.
31
Lucy
She had set him up. She had given him no real choice in his future by controlling his heart. Graham didn’t settle into the idea of not being Talon’s father. He fought it the best he could, and when he took the paternity test, I believed his heart hoped Lyric was wrong. When the results came in, I saw the light inside of him die away.
Lyric presented him with the biggest choice of his life that wasn’t even a choice, really: invite her back into his life so he could keep his daughter, or stay with me and she’d take Talon.
The day she told him, I was there. I stood by his side as she threatened to rip his world apart. She had all the control over every part of Graham, and I knew there was only one thing for me to do.
I had to pack my bags and go. I was certain I had to do it before he came back, too. He’d been speaking with a lawyer all afternoon, and I knew if I didn’t leave now, I’d only make things harder for him. He couldn’t lose his daughter; he couldn’t lose his soul.
And so, I began to pack my bags.
“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice dripping with confusion.
“Graham.” I sighed when I saw him standing in the doorway of the bathroom. His heavy-lidded mocha eyes stared at me as I reached for a towel and wrapped it around my body. “I didn’t know you were home.”
“I saw your things in the front lobby.”
“Yes.”
“You’re leaving,” he said breathlessly. He had shaved the day before, and yet his five o’clock shadow was already back. His lips were tight, and I knew for a fact he was clenching his teeth. His chiseled, square jawline was always more evident when he clenched his teeth.
“I think it’s for the best.”
“You really think so?” He stepped into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. The sound of the running water was the only noise for a few seconds as we stared at one another.
“Yes, I do,” I replied as the pit of my stomach fell and my heart drummed. I followed his hand as he reached for the doorknob and locked it. His steps toward me were slow as heat curled down my spine. “Graham, please,” I begged, although I didn’t know if I was begging for him to stay or go.
“I need you,” he whispered. He was in front of me, his stare locked with mine, and even though he hadn’t touched me yet, I felt his entire being. “Please,” he begged back, his thumb tilting my chin up as he bit his bottom lip. “Don’t leave me.” His hands grasped my behind through the towel and my breath hitched. His mouth grazed down my neck and he whispered between kisses as he lifted me up, forcing me to drop my towel to the floor. “Stay with me. Please, Lucy, just stay.”
I knew how hard that was for him—to ask for someone to stay—but I also knew the reasons why I couldn’t.
My mind sizzled as he held my body against his and stepped over the edge of the tub, forcing the shower to rain over us. His lips bit against my breast before he took my nipple into his mouth, sucking it hard. My mind fogged as he shoved my back against the shower wall, his clothes getting soaked and clinging to his skin.
“Gra…” I felt dizzy, faint, happy, high. So high…
His fingers moved down my chest, down my stomach, and he slid them inside me with need, with want, with ache. “Don’t leave me, Lucille, please. I can’t lose you,” he whispered against my lips before discovering my mouth with his tongue. “I need you more than you know. I need you.”
Everything quickened—his motions, his grips, his fingers, his tongue. I hurriedly unbuckled his jeans, sending them to the bottom of the tub, and stroked his hardness through his soaked boxers. When those were removed, he pulled his fingers from my core and locked eyes with me.
We made a choice that we added to our list of mistakes. We used each other’s bodies to get high. We soared as we touched, moaned, and begged. I ascended as he lifted my butt cheeks and slammed me against the tiled wall. I cried out as he slid his hardness into me, inch by inch, filling me with indescribable warmth. He kissed like heaven and made love like sin. As the water fell around us, I silently prayed for this to be mine, Graham and me, forever and always. My heart told me I’d love him for all time. My brain told me I only had a few more moments and that I should enjoy each one, but my gut…
My gut told me I had to let go.
As he continued making love to every inch of my body, he moved his lips to the edge of my ear. His warm breaths brushed against me as he spoke. “Air above me…” He grasped one of my breasts in his hand and lightly pinched my nipple. “Earth below me…”
“Graham,” I muttered, dazed, confused, in guilt, in love.
He wrapped his fingers in my hair and slightly pulled it, putting a curve in my neck. A spark shot down my spine as he began sucking my skin. “Fire within me…” He continued sliding his hardness deeper and harder into me, taking control of his speed, taking control of his desires, taking control of our love. He moved me to the other wall, and the steaming water slapped against us as I moaned his name and he moaned his words against my neck. “Water surround me…”
“Please,” I begged, floating on the edge of make-believe, feeling the final buildup of our final mistake as he placed one hand against the wall and one hand around my waist. His arms were tight, each muscle defined with tight, sharp lines. We locked eyes and my body began to shake. I was so close…so close to pure ecstasy, so close to our final goodbye. “Please, Graham,” I muttered, unsure if I was begging for him to let me go or to hold me forever.
His mouth slammed against mine, kissing me harder than we’d ever kissed before, and I could tell as his tongue danced with mine, as he sucked me with his hurts and his love, that he also knew how close we were to goodbye. He, too, was trying to hold on to the high that was already slipping to the ground.
He kissed me to say goodbye, and I kissed him to pray for more seconds. He kissed me to give me his love, and I kissed him to give him mine. He kissed me with his always, and I kissed him with my forever.
Right after we soared to our highest heights, we descended and crashed to our lowest lows—but not before his air became my breaths, not before his earth became my ground. His flames were my fire, his thirst was my water, and his spirit?
His spirit became my soul.
Then, we prepared ourselves for goodbye.
“I didn’t think it would be this hard,” I whispered, hearing Graham’s footsteps behind me as I stood in Talon’s bedroom, where she slept peacefully. The idea that I wouldn’t be there to watch her grow up made my chest ache more than ever.
“You can wake her,” Graham told me as he leaned against the doorframe.
“No.” I shook my head. “If I see those eyes of hers, I’ll never be able to leave.” I wiped away the tears that fell from my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to face Graham. As we looked at one another, we both wanted nothing more than to stay together, to be a family, to be one.
But sometimes what one wanted wasn’t what one received.
“Your taxi is here, but I can still take you to the airport,” he offered.
I had finally taken the leap and cashed in all the coins from the negative jars I’d collected over the years. I was taking the trip to Europe that Mari and I had always dreamed of. I had to get away, as far away as I could, because I knew if my h
eart was still on the same continent as Graham, I’d find my way back to him.
“No, it’s okay, really. It’s easier this way.” I placed my fingers against my lips, kissed them, and then placed them on Talon’s forehead. “I love you more than the wind loves the trees, sweet girl, and I’m always here for you, even when you don’t see me.”
As I took steps toward Graham, he moved in closer as if he were going to hug me, to try to take away my grief, but I wouldn’t allow it. I knew if I fell into his arms again, I’d beg him to never let me go. He helped me carry my luggage out of the house and loaded it into the car.
“I won’t say goodbye,” he told me, taking my hands in his. He brought the palms of my hands to his lips and kissed them gently. “I refuse to say goodbye to you.” He released his grasp and walked back to the porch, and right as I went to open the door to the taxi, he called my way. When his lips parted, he said, “What’s the secret, Lucille?”
“The secret?”
“To your tea—what’s the secret ingredient?”
I narrowed my eyebrows and bit my bottom lip. My feet started walking in his direction. The closer I got, the more steps he took toward me. When we stood in front of one another, I studied the caramel color of his eyes, a color I might never see again, and I held that sight close to my heart. I’d remember those eyes as long as I could.
“Tell me what ingredients you think are in it, and then I’ll tell you the final one.”
“Promise me?”
“Promise you.”
He shut his eyes and began to speak. “Cinnamon, ginger, fresh lemons.”
“Yes, yes, yes.”
“Hot red peppers, sugar, black pepper.”
“Uh-huh.” I breathed out, chills running up and down my spine.
“And peppermint extract.” When his eyes opened, he stared at me as if he could see a part of me that I’d yet to discover.
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