Echoes of Us

by S. H. Timmins

  I laugh and walk over to the table, just about to slide a chair out, when I hear a voice from my past say, “I smell my favorite breakfast burrito, Cruz. What did you do this time?”

  I’m standing frozen in place as Jake Cameron walks into the room, not even noticing me at first. He stands with his big arms crossed over his chest, watching his son with a fond smile. He looks exactly like I remember him, right down to a flannel shirt and thick, blonde hair. I slowly straighten my body from where I am leaning over a chair, and that’s when his eyes move over to me. Shock registers on his face, then his eyes widen almost comically as he takes me in.

  I feel myself blushing and shift awkwardly on my feet. “Hello, Mr. C.”

  He makes a choking sound, then he’s striding across the short distance with his long legs and scoops me up off the floor in a big hug. My bittersweet tears are swift and slide down my cheeks as I snuggle against his familiar strength. I can hear him inhaling heavily against the side of my head and know he’s fighting emotions too. I wrap my arms around his neck and feel like I’m eleven years old again in this man’s comforting arms. I rest my chin on his shoulder and look at Cruz through my blurry eyes, and he’s smiling at us with tears of his own marking his cheeks.

  “Oh, Jo-Jo Bug, how much I’ve missed your sweet face,” Jake whispers into my hair, using the nickname he called me when I first followed his son home.

  I sniffle against his chest and smile against the soft flannel of his shirt. This is by far one of the happiest moments of my life. “I’ve missed you too,” I whisper against him.

  He finally places me down and holds me at arm's length, taking a good look. He shakes his head in wonder. “I can’t believe how much you look like your momma. You’ve grown into a beautiful young woman. No wonder Cruz has been going on about the way you look.”

  “Dad, really?” Cruz chokes out.

  I giggle and Jake’s smile widens. “I remember that sound though, so not everything has changed then, huh? Christ, you’re stunning, girl. I still can’t get over the difference. Last I saw you; you were just a tiny thing in overalls and dirty grass stains.”

  Cruz laughs and I point a finger at him, which makes him laugh harder. He points back at me and says, “See? I’m not the only one who remembers how fond of dirt you were.”

  I pretend to huff and give him a pointed look. “I wasn’t alone in that department, mister.”

  Jake laughs and spins around to Cruz. “She’s got you there. You were both constantly covered in dirt. Gave me and Deanna one hell of a time keeping you both clean. Hey, speaking of Deanna, how’s your mom? Cruz said she got married. Is she happy?” He turns back and raises his eyebrows expectantly.

  I suck in a breath and look to Cruz for some indication on how to handle this. His lips are in a tight line, but he grabs all the plates and cutlery, moving over to us at the table. “Hey, Dad, why don’t we use those manners you’re always drilling me about and let our company sit down for breakfast first, hmm?”

  Jake gives a small chuckle and says, “Out of the mouths of babes. Schooled by my kid. Forgive me, Jo. Sit down, and please humor an old guy and pretend I have manners and didn’t have to be reminded by my son to use them.”

  I smile and dip my head, pulling the chair out. Cruz sets the table and Jake grabs the food. Between the two, the table is done and we’re all sitting with our food before us. I’m not even remotely hungry, knowing what we need to tell Jake. I’m not exactly looking forward to reliving the story again so soon after I bled it out for Cruz last night, either. As hard as Cruz took the news, I have a feeling Jake will take it worse. I want him to enjoy his breakfast first, so I look to Cruz to start a conversation that will keep us occupied until the moment of truth comes.

  He jerks his head slightly and clears his throat. “So, Dad, Jo was telling me she wants a job. Think you could use her at one of the shops?”

  My eyes widen and I want to smack Cruz for asking his dad that. There’s no way Victor will let me work in a garage, but I can’t say that. Damn! How am I going to wiggle around this one? Jake is nodding his head and looking thoughtful. After he swallows his bite of food, he asks me, “Have you ever worked before?”

  I shake my head and tell him, “No. Victor, that’s my stepfather, wouldn’t let me get a job.”

  Jake’s brows come down over his blue eyes. “Why not? It’s a good way to gain experience and build skills for future employment after college. Cruz has been helping me since he was fifteen. He’ll be working through college too to help with expenses. Doesn’t your stepfather want that for you as well?”

  “Um, Dad, remember I told you that Jo is living in a big fancy house now on one of those private roads? I don’t think they need to worry about her helping with college money.” Cruz looks apologetically at me, but I shrug my shoulders. It’s true.

  “Well, I can’t see your momma being a snob about you getting a job. What does she say about it?” Jake doesn’t see the panicked look Cruz aims my way, and I play with the fork on my plate. Jake looks harder at me and asks in a quieter voice, “Jo, what is it? Your mom hasn’t changed like that, has she?”

  And suddenly I can’t do this to him any longer. My eyes fill with tears and I glance at Cruz, who swallows harshly and places his fork down. He reaches across the table and takes my hand, then looks at his dad with tears in his own eyes. “Dad, Deanna Hamilton passed away from cancer about a year ago.”

  I can’t even look at Jake to see what his reaction is. My eyes refuse to lift from my plate, and I watch as a tear hits the ceramic edge. I hear a gasp and then a sob, then a chair scrapes back from the table. Cruz squeezes my hand harder and I chance a peek at him, but his sole focus is on the direction of his dad, and the anguish I see on his face tells me how hard Jake is taking the news.

  Knowing I can’t let Cruz deal with this alone, I slide my eyes over to where the poor man is falling apart over the news that the woman, he loved was dead. His face is in his hands and his big shoulders are shaking. I feel my body shake too as I witness his pain. He must feel my eyes on him because he lifts his head and focuses his wet, red-rimmed eyes on me. He chokes out one word. “How?”

  And in the face of his grief, I find the strength to tell the story again. I tell him about how we discovered the tumor in her brain and how quickly it spread. I promise him she didn’t suffer long, and she was still beautiful even when the chemo caused her hair to fall out. How she always had a smile and a hug for me, no matter how sick she was. I tell him how bravely she fought, and how she went peacefully in the end. I share with him some things she told me and admitted she never stopped loving him. That breaks him, and he has to excuse himself as he stumbles away from the table and disappears down the hallway.

  Cruz skids his chair back and is kneeling beside me, sliding his arms around my waist and hugging me to him. I sob against his shoulder and he holds me, offering comfort in the best way he can. I shouldn’t have any tears left with how many I’ve spilled over the last few days, but it seems tears are a bottomless well of sorrow. As long as you have the ability to feel heartbreak, your body will supply the outlet for your pain.

  Cruz eventually leans back from me to check and see how I’m doing. My tears have slowed, and my cheeks feel chapped. I move my arm from around him and wipe my eyes and face with my hand, then use the same hand to wipe the tears from his cheeks. He smiles at me and leans into the touch of my fingers on his skin. I smile back, and that small act helps lift the veil of grief from us.

  Standing from his spot on the floor beside me, he offers me his hand and says, “Come on. He’ll be ready to talk soon, and I know he wants to hear about all the happy memories too.”

  I grasp his warm hand in my cold one and let him help me out of the chair. He pulls us through a side door in the hallway that leads to the garage. I follow behind him as we walk inside, and I see how much Jake loves this place. It’s clear in the meticulous way all his tools are organized on the walls and on the counters. He
has those rolling tool carts against one wall and a bunch of expensive hydraulic equipment in a corner.

  Jake is sitting on a stool with a picture in his hand. Tears are still wet on his cheeks, but when he sees us hovering in the doorway, holding hands, he smiles. He points to our hands. “She would have loved this, you know. She always said you two were destined to be together. I assumed her decision to put space between you both was to be temporary. Just until you were older and could understand some pretty shitty things about the past better. Our small neck of the woods beyond the tracks was a hotbed for wagging tongues. When your Grammy died, Jo, your momma was afraid people would talk; and you two would either hear crap at school or that people would be plain mean and blurt something out that's none of their business. You were both so young, and already your souls were tied together in one big, pretty bow.” He shakes his head and gazes down at the picture.

  I chance a look at Cruz to see if he's surprised by any of this, but he seems lost in his own thoughts as he stares down at his hands. My heartbeat picks up speed. He’s saying he knows something about our past and why my mom ran. Maybe he knows the secret Victor’s been holding over our heads since the day he took us. I step forward and ask, “What about the past?”

  He tips his head and gives me a curious look. “She never told you?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, so she didn’t tell me,” I say to him and look to Cruz to see if he knows, but he shakes his head.

  “Cruz, grab two lawn chairs from the yard and bring them here. You should hear this together since it affects you both.” Jake waves for Cruz to get the chairs and I stroll over to where Jake is still staring at the picture. “It’s remarkable how much you look like her, you know. Here, take a look.” He holds the picture out for me.

  With shaky hands, I gently take the photo and look down at a smiling image of my mother with Jake’s big arm around her shoulders. She looks a lot younger than I remember, and I can see the similarities for the first time. It shocks me how much I resemble her in this photo.

  I move my wide eyes back to Jake and he nods his head. “You see it now too, don’t you? That picture was taken the summer after we graduated. Your grammy snapped it.”

  I shake my head, not understanding. “How is that possible? Cruz and I didn’t meet until kindergarten. How did you know her before that?”

  He sighs and places the photo down on the counter beside him. “Your momma and I knew each other long before then. We had been keeping our distance since she came back to live with her parents, but then you and Cruz became buddies, and being around each other again, well, we couldn’t fight it anymore.”

  I blink at him. “Wait, a minute. I was eleven when I saw you kissing her on the back porch.”

  His cheeks turn slightly pink and he looks away, smiling at a memory. “It wouldn’t have been proper to show our affection for each other in front of you kids when you were so young. It would just have confused you both. Your grammy knew, of course. God, that woman was something else. I think my butt still has her finger marks on it from all the pinches she gave me. I sure loved her spunk. She’d been like a mom to me growing up, so you can imagine how embarrassing it was to have her pinch my butt when I was older.” He laughs at the memory.

  I’m standing with my mouth hanging open. That’s how Cruz finds me when he comes in with the chairs. He gives me a strange look and raises his eyebrows, asking if I’m okay. I nod, and he places the chairs down for us and we each take a seat. Cruz clears his throat and looks at his dad. “Okay, what’s this big secret?”

  Jake rubs the stubble on his jaw, making a scratching noise with the rough pads of his fingers. “I guess I need to start at the beginning. Deanna and I had known each other since we were kids. Maria, your mom, Cruz, joined our circle in high school. Deanna became a good friend to her, and they were pretty close, like sisters.

  “I’d always had a crush on Deanna, but she was my friend and I said nothing. The summer we graduated, I worked full time at the shop and Maria had a partial scholarship to a beauty college. Deanna didn’t have plans yet, but she was smart and had a bunch of offers from colleges, but her dad was getting older and she wanted another year with him before she accepted.

  “We had all been at a party when some yuppie guy came in and every girl went nuts over him, including Maria. Deanna wasn’t interested, much to my delight, but Maria knew how the guys looked at Deanna and made her promise to stay away and let Maria have him. Deanna easily agreed, but that guy took one look at her, and she was all he saw. Maria didn’t stand a chance.

  “Deanna tried to direct his attention to Maria, but he only had eyes for her. Maria got right, jealous. She made a big scene with Deanna over it and swore she would never speak to her again. Deanna was upset, and rightfully so. After the party, this guy pursued Deanna hard. I guess she eventually caved. Her dad didn’t like this guy, not one bit. He tried to stop Deanna from dating him. She was a defiant girl by nature and didn’t like being told what to do, so she moved out of her parents' house and went across the tracks with this guy to live with him.

  “Maria went off to college, I continued to work at the shop, and even got my own place. I never got along with my old man and growing up I spent most of my time at the Hamilton’s place. I was happy, but I missed Deanna, even Maria. That’s life, though. We each went our own way. Maria came back from college the next summer and she looked me up. We hung out again, but I could tell she wasn’t the same girl I knew before she left. She was different. Colder, I guess. She spent a lot of time on the other side of the tracks. The shop I worked at was there, so I heard about some of her wild ways from guys around the area. It wasn’t good.” He pauses and looks at Cruz. “Some of this will be hard to hear, but the important stuff you already know, okay, son?” I watch a secret message pass between them, and Cruz nods his head.

  “Okay, so right before Maria’s due to go back to college, she showed up on my doorstep with tears on her cheeks and a few bags. She tells me she’s pregnant and her dad kicked her out. She can’t go back to college because the baby would be due in the winter. This was August and I’m sure she must have been pregnant when she got back and just didn’t realize it. She asked me if she could stay with me until she figured out what she would do.”

  I hold my hand out to halt him. “Hold on. Are you saying that you’re not Cruz’s biological father?” I swing my gaze at Cruz to see what his reaction is, but he’s just nodding his head patiently at me.

  “I told Cruz the truth shortly after your momma took you away,” he tells me gently. “I let Maria stay with me, knowing she wasn’t going anywhere. I never regretted my decision. I got a son out of the deal, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything,” he states, while looking lovingly at his son.

  I’m crying again, but apart from my initial shock and confusion, the way he speaks about Cruz is so beautiful, my heart swells at the obvious love he has for his son. “You’re a special guy, Mr. C,” I whisper.

  He smiles at me gently, then the smile slowly dies on his face. “This is the part of the story that won’t be easy to hear. I’m sorry if it causes either of you pain, but it’s part of your story and you need to hear it now.” He gives both of us a solemn look and I feel the hairs stand on the back of my neck. “Maria named her son after her father, hoping it would endear him to her and her new baby, but that bastard remained stone cold, and I think it broke something in her. She got depressed and acted weird. She would disappear at night after she got Cruz settled. One night, she told me she needed to get more diapers. I didn’t stop her, even though I knew something wasn’t right. Looking back now, I should have made sure she stayed home.

  “Anyway, she left and several hours went by, but she still wasn’t back. I was up getting a bottle for Cruz when there was a knock at my door.” He looks away from us and stares at the wall. “An officer was on the other side, and he told me there was an accident. I told Cruz this part, but not the rest. Maria was killed insta
ntly… along with the other passenger in the car. They had been on the other side of the tracks and were coming back. The brakes on the car failed when they saw the train at the last minute. The other passenger in the car, the one who died with her, was your daddy, Jo. His name was Cade Bishop and your momma was pregnant with you at the time. They’d been having an affair behind her back.”

  I’m numb. I never even knew my father’s name until this moment. I can’t even breathe but I know I need to. I try, I really do, but everything feels so fuzzy and warm, my vision closing in around me. The peace of oblivion calls me, and I fall into its welcome embrace.

  Boyfriends and Kisses

  I’m aware of sounds first, then the scent of sunshine and leaves. I open my eyes slowly, realizing I’m lying on my back and my head is resting against a strong pair of thighs. The worry is clear in Cruz’s eyes, but he smiles for my benefit. “I’m okay,” I mumble in embarrassment and brace my arms to push myself vertical.

  “Easy, Jo. Don’t sit up too fast,” Jake’s concerned voice says from above, where he’s bent over and watching me like I’m made of glass and in threat of breaking. Really? Are all men like this around a woman when she faints?