What I'd Say to the Martians

by Jack Handey

  What I’d Say to the Martians

  And Other Veiled Threats

  Jack Handey

  To Martita

  Contents

  How Things Even Out

  Job Rejection

  Thank You for Stopping

  Ideas for Paintings

  Scary Skeleton

  My Third-Best Friend

  What I’d Say to the Martians

  Lowering My Standards

  How to Prepare a Wild-Caught Rabbit for a Meal

  My Favorite Deep Thoughts

  Einstein and Capone

  My Nature Documentary

  This Is No Game

  The Legend of Me

  Hitchhikers

  The Respect of the Men

  More Favorite Deep Thoughts

  The Draculas

  Stunned

  List of Things to Do Today

  The Greatest Fly Fisherman I Ever Knew

  Waffle and Pancake Council

  Some Funny New York Things

  Little Tiny Stories

  My First Day in Hell

  Animals All Around Us

  Glug-Glug-Glug

  Fuzzy Memories

  In Praise of the Human Body

  Attila the Hun’s Greatest Speech

  Mount Everest

  The Voices in My Head

  My Favorite Thing

  Reintroducing Me to My Habitat

  Tattoo

  The Corrector

  How I Want to Be Remembered

  Television Sketches

  Deer Heads

  Anne Boleyn

  Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer

  Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car

  Happy Fun Ball

  The Zombies vs. the Bees

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Other Books by Jack Handey

  Copyright

  How Things Even Out

  Things tend to even out. Religion, some people say, has caused wars and fighting. Yes, but it’s also boring to sit through a church service, so it evens out. One moment you’re depressed because your doctor tells you that you have alcoholism. But then you cheer up when you go home and find a hidden bottle of vodka you had forgotten about.

  Things are evening out all the time, if you take time to notice, like I do. Let’s say you want a big cupcake, with lots of icing, so you go buy one and eat it. But then you realize, I don’t have the cupcake anymore. Or maybe you take a bite of salsa that’s labeled HOT, and it doesn’t seem that hot, but then about a second later it seems really hot.

  You might hear that some guy you know is having a party, so you call him up, but he says there’s no party. But then you call back, using a different voice, and suddenly there is a party.

  One day you ask people to take a look at a skin rash you have. Then a few days later you’re looking at their rashes. You send someone a death threat and then, mysteriously, the police come to your house and threaten you.

  Maybe you find a nice flat pebble on a riverbank, and when you pick it up and throw it, it skips across the water several times. But then the next pebble you can’t even pry loose because, what is this, glue mud? You notice an ant drifting away on a leaf in the water. Then you look up to see your aunt, drifting away in a rowboat.

  Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But in the future, maybe we’ll go to another planet and kill their dinosaurs.

  Even in the afterlife things probably even out, although I can’t imagine how.

  Still don’t believe that things even out? Try this simple test: Flip a coin, over and over again, calling out “Heads!” or “Tails!” after each flip. Half the time people will ask you to please stop.

  Once you realize that things even out, it’s like a light being turned on in your head, then turning off, then being turned to “dim.”

  Probably the perfect example of things evening out happened to me just last month. I was walking to the post office to mail a death threat. It was a beautiful day. I was happily singing away in my super-loud singing voice. I didn’t step on any chewing gum, like I usually do, and when I threw my gum down, it didn’t stick to my fingertips. As I rounded the corner there was a bum begging for change. I was feeling pretty good, so I gave him a five-dollar bill. At first I tried to make him do a little dance for the five dollars, but he wouldn’t do it, so I gave him the five dollars anyway.

  Not long after that I was reading the paper, and there was a picture of the bum. He had won the Nobel Prize in Chemistry! He had a little bigger nose and straighter teeth, but I’m pretty sure it was him. So, my five dollars had made him change his ways and become a chemistry guy.

  A few days later I was walking by the corner again, and there was the bum, back begging. So, things had evened out. He had gotten the Nobel Prize, but now he was a bum again. I asked him for the five dollars back, but he started saying weird stuff that I guess was chemistry formulas or something.

  I told my friend Don the story, but he said it wasn’t an example of things evening out so much as just a stupid story. That’s interesting, Don, because you saying that evens out what I said to your mother that time.

  I have a lot of stories about things evening out, but I think the one about the Nobel Prize–winning bum is the best. I’d say it would take about three of my other stories to even out that one.

  Job Rejection

  Dear Sir:

  A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were hoping this letter would say. But it doesn’t, because you didn’t.

  Sincerely, Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we have not heard back from you that you completely understand that you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and never will be.

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire you.

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by now we would have been forced to let you go.

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains you want in your new office…. Wait, we made a mistake. You’re the wrong person. Oh well, we’re going to go ahead and send this letter to you anyway.

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had a job? Just curious.

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded into a paper airplane and was accidentally flown out the window. Would you mind filling out the enclos
ed application and mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  As you may have read in the newspaper, our company has been crippled by a union strike, and we have had to call in outside, freelance help, for which we are paying many times the normal salary. We just thought you should know that.

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Dear Sir:

  It has come to our attention that an employee in our department has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We have told him not only that he is fired, but that we are hiring you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he was “going to find [you] and crush [your] head like a walnut.” (Some of us think he said “like a peanut,” but most think he said “walnut.”) If he shows up at your apartment, please explain to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.

  Sincerely,

  Personnel Department

  Thank You for Stopping

  Thank you for stopping. You have obviously found me unconscious by the side of the road, or at a party, or possibly propped up against a wall someplace, and you have wisely reached into my pocket and found this medical advisory.

  If you found other things in my pockets, kindly do not read or keep them. They are none of your business and/or do not belong to you. And remember that, even though I am unconscious now, when I wake up I will remember the things I had.

  If I am wearing a tie, please loosen it. But, again, do not take it off and keep it. It is not yours, and is probably more expensive than you can afford. If I am not wearing a tie, look around at the other people who have gathered to look at me and see if one of them is wearing a tie that might belong to me. If so, please approach that individual and ask for my tie back. If he says it is his, say you do not think so. If he insists, give him one of the cards (in the same pocket where you found this note) of my attorney, and tell the person he will be hearing from him soon.

  Keep me warm. Take off your coat and put it around me. Do not worry, you will get it back. If you do not, within thirty days contact the attorney on the card, and he will advise you.

  If you must, build a fire to keep me warm. But—and this is very important—DO NOT ROAST ME OVER THE FIRE. I say this because many people who stop to help others are not that smart and are capable of doing such a thing.

  There are some pills in one of my pockets. Take them and hold on to them. If any authorities ask you about them, say they are yours.

  If I am outdoors under a hot sun, do not allow children near me with a magnifying glass. Even if they are on leashes, do not allow monkeys near me. Do not allow others to make fun of me, poke me with sticks, or, if an anthill is nearby, pour honey on me. Do not allow onlookers to pose with me for “funny” photos. Failure to stop any of these things may be construed as participation in them, and may subject you to severe legal remedies.

  Try to keep me calm. If you are not a physically attractive person, try not to let yourself be the first thing I see when I wake up.

  Call an ambulance. I guess that would be obvious to most people, but you never know.

  If I am on fire, put me out. If you put me out by rolling me on the ground, do not let me roll down a hill. If I do roll down a hill and get stuck under some bushes, just leave me there; you’ve given me enough “help” already.

  If I suddenly begin to sweat profusely and my entire body begins to shimmy violently, do not worry; that is normal.

  If I am bleeding, how’d that happen? What did you do now?

  Even though I am unconscious, do not dangle things over me. I do not like that.

  Answer my cell phone if it rings. If it is a woman named Peggy, pretend to be me and say you are breaking up with her.

  If I have wet my pants, get a glass of water and act like you tripped and spilled it on me.

  If I appear near death, do not call a priest. And do not call a rabbi and a minister, and have them all go into a bar and do something funny, because I don’t want my life to end up as one big joke.

  Get a better job. If you have time to stop for unconscious people, you are obviously not working at full capacity.

  Thank you again for stopping. Now, please, stand back and give me some air.

  Ideas for Paintings

  Because I love art, I am offering the following ideas for paintings to all struggling artists out there. Some of those artists may be thinking, Hey, I’ve got good ideas of my own. Really? Then why are you struggling?

  These ideas are free of charge. All I ask is that when you have completed a painting, as a courtesy to me, you sign it “Jack Handey and [your name or initials].” And, if the painting is sold, I get approximately all the money.

  Good luck! Let’s get painting!

  STAMPEDE OF NUDES

  The trouble with most paintings of nudes is that there isn’t enough nudity. It’s usually just one woman lying there, and you’re looking around going, “Aren’t there any more nudes?” This idea solves that.

  What has frightened these nudes? Is it the lightning in the background? Or did one of the nudes just spook? You don’t know, and this creates tension.

  MADE YOU LOOK

  This idea is difficult to execute, but could be a masterpiece. It depicts a grandly dressed lady, looking straight at you. At first her look seems to say, “Quick, look behind you!” So you turn around, and when you look at her again, her expression now seems to be one of smug satisfaction.

  THE BLEAK HOTEL

  A man is looking out the window of a bleak hotel room. He looks depressed. From the side, flying through the air, is a football. And you realize, if he’s depressed now, just wait until he gets hit in the head by that football.

  THE REPENTANT CAMERON DIAZ

  Cameron Diaz, her tear-streaked face lit by a candle, gazes wistfully at a picture of me.

  THE WEARY PEASANTS

  Some tired-looking peasants are walking down a road at sunset, carrying sheaves of wheat. A nobleman in a fancy coach is coming up from behind. This makes for drama, because you’re thinking, Why don’t those peasants get out of the way?

  SELF-PORTRAIT WITH STARTLED EXPRESSION

  The key here is to be able to constantly startle yourself as you’re painting. One option is to hire a startler, but that can get expensive. (The best ones are from Ireland.) Be sure to use opening the bill from your startler as a free startle.

  ABSTRACT WHITE #1

  This is a solid-white painting. You might be asking, “Is it okay to put in a fleck of color here and there?” I give up, do whatever you want.

  THE BOXERS

  Two boxers are whaling away at each other in a boxing ring. But then you notice that the people in the audience are also fighting each other. And it makes you question who are the truly barbaric ones here, the boxers or the spectators? Then you can turn the painting over and read the answer: “the boxers.”

  THE FRENCH LOVERS

  A French dandy is embracing his beautiful buxom lover in a lush, overgrown garden. This painting should be in the shape of binoculars.

  STILL LIFE WITH RABBIT

  A wooden table is chockablock with fruit, cheese, and a glass of wine. To one side is a dead rabbit, a dead pheasant, and a dead eel. And you’re thinking, Thanks for the fruit, but man, take better care of your pets.

  STILL LIFE WITH BEETS, CAULIFLOWER, LIVER, AND LARGE GLASS OF BEER

  Just kidding. Only the beer.

  THE DEATH OF HERCULES

  An old Hercules is being lifted into the air by angels. On the one hand, it makes you feel sad, but on the other, you think, He’s still in pretty good shape.

  THE JOLLY DANCER

  The scene is a flatboat on the Ohio River. A frontiersman who looks like me is doing his funny cowboy dance. Everyone seems to be enjoying the dance except for an insane simpleton who looks like my so-called friend Don. Crawling up behind Don is a big snapping turtle.

  UNTIT
LED

  This can pretty much be anything. Just remember to make it good and to put my name on it.

  Scary Skeleton

  I suppose we all have the same dream: a hundred years from now, a man carrying a lantern enters a darkened tomb. He’s already nervous, and he hears something behind him. He turns and holds up the lantern. It’s a hideous skeleton! Speechless with fear, he stumbles backward. He trips, dropping the lantern. The oil spills and catches him on fire. A flailing fire-ball, he runs from the tomb, into the night.

  You may be asking, Why do they still have oil lanterns a hundred years from now? Look, I think you’re missing the point. The point is, after you die, you want to have a scary skeleton. You don’t want to be discovered by a grave robber or an archaeologist or a jogger and have the guy shrug and go, “Well, here’s another one.”

  Why a scary skeleton? First of all, because it’s scary. It scares people. If a skeleton’s not scary, what’s the point of even having one? Also, scariness can actually protect your skeleton. Something like half of all skeletons are eventually dug up and sold. Some go to medical schools, or are taken apart and used as musical instruments. Even worse, many end up in teenagers’ bedrooms, where they are propped up in chairs with funny hats, “smoking” a cigarette. Remember: a scary skeleton is a safe skeleton.