by Jack Handey
What if I just do everything they ask?
LORD NORFOLK
In that case, your head will be chopped off, and then it will be shot out of a cannon.
ANNE BOLEYN
How many times?
LORD NORFOLK
I’m not sure. It seems to be really arbitrary.
ANNE BOLEYN
And my body?
LORD NORFOLK
It would be folded up and also shot out of a cannon.
ANNE BOLEYN
Would my head ever be shot at my body?
LORD NORFOLK
It might, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
Yewww! What happens to my head after that?
LORD NORFOLK
It would be wrapped up like a present and sent anonymously to a stranger. The royal entourage would hide in the bushes to see the expression on the stranger’s face when he opened it.
ANNE BOLEYN
Norfolk, you may inform the king I have made my decision: I will grant the divorce, renounce the throne, and have my head…cut off.
LORD NORFOLK
Very well, Your Majesty. Now, is that the one where we put your head on the wall? I’m lost.
ANNE BOLEYN
Yes, that’s the one.
LORD NORFOLK
I will take my leave now, Your Majesty.
(He bows)
ANNE BOLEYN
Norfolk?
LORD NORFOLK
Yes, Your Majesty.
ANNE BOLEYN
The executioner—is he skilled?
LORD NORFOLK
Very skilled, madam. He has been sent for from Calais.
(Execution room. Norfolk and the assembled members of the court are spattered with blood from off-camera. Ax thuds.)
ANNE BOLEYN
(off-camera)
YOWWWWWWW!!!! OWWW!!
WOWWWWWW!! OHHH-YEOWWWW!!!
WHOA, MAMA!!!!
ANNOUNCER
The execution of Anne Boleyn took six and a half hours and three axes, and was one of the bloodiest in royal history. At one point, Anne Boleyn cried out that she would rather be burned at the stake, but it was decided to carry on. Later, her head was placed atop a pike, which swam away, never to be seen again.
(Fade)
Broadcast Nov. 21, 1987
Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer
(Bleak, frozen wasteland)
ANNOUNCER
One hundred thousand years ago, a cave man was out hunting on the frozen wastes when he slipped and fell into a crevasse. In 1988, he was discovered by some scientists and thawed out. He then went to law school and became…Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer!
(A thick-skulled cave man [Phil Hartman] makes a demonstrative hitting motion with a stone ax. Dissolve to cave man in same pose in courtroom, in Brooks Brothers suit, making similar motion with his hand.)
SONG
HE USED TO BE A CAVE MAN
BUT NOW HE’S A LAWYER
UNFROZEN CAVE MAN LAWYER
ANNOUNCER
Brought to you by…
(Shot of lovable dog with rifle sight superimposed)
…Dog Assassin. “When you can’t bear to put him to sleep, maybe it’s time to call Dog Assassin.”
(Shot of foot-long pinto bean on a plate)
And by Big Fat Bean. “Why eat hundreds of little beans when you can eat one big one?” And now, tonight’s episode of Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer…
(Courtroom. Cave man lawyer sits at table.
He wears a suit, but still has scraggly hair and thick Neanderthal brow. However, he speaks glibly.)
JUDGE
Mister Kee-Rok, are you ready to give your summation?
CAVE MAN LAWYER
It’s just Kee-Rok, your honor. And yes, I’m ready. (Approaches jury) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’m just a cave man. I fell in some ice and then got thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me. Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW and run off, into the hills or whatever. When I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder, did little demons get inside and type it? I don’t know. My primitive brain can’t grasp these concepts.
(Judge is annoyed)
CAVE MAN LAWYER
But I do know this: whatever world you’re from, when a man like my client…
(Client has sad face and phony-looking bandages)
CAVE MAN LAWYER
…slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, he should receive no less than two million dollars in compensatory damages and two million dollars in punitive damages. Thank you.
(Jury members are impressed)
JUDGE
The jury will now retire to deliberate.
JURY FOREMAN
Your honor, we don’t need to retire. Kee-Rok’s words are just as true now as they were in his time. We give him the full amount!
(Jury members nod and applaud)
JUDGE
Did you hear that, Mister Kee-Rok?
(Cave man lawyer is on cell phone)
CAVE MAN LAWYER
I’m sorry, Your Honor. I was listening to the magic voices coming out of this strange modern invention.
ANNOUNCER
This has been Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer. Join us next week for another episode. Here’s a scene…
(Film of airliner. Inside plane, cave man is drunk. He stops a flight attendant carrying several trays.)
CAVE MAN LAWYER
(drunk)
Stewardess, could you get me another drink?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
I’m sorry, sir, but the chief steward says you’ve already had enough.
CAVE MAN LAWYER
But you don’t understand. I’m a cave man. I’m frightened by your strange flying machine. So bring me another Dewar’s and water, pronto.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
I’m sorry, sir.
(Exits)
CAVE MAN LAWYER
(after her)
I’ll sue you and your whole goddam airline!
ANNOUNCER
…Next time, on Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer!
(Fade)
Broadcast Nov. 23, 1991
Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car
(Head-on shot of a cat [live cat with fake paws] driving a car.)
SONG
TOONCES, THE DRIVING CAT
THE CAT WHO COULD DRIVE A CAR
HE DRIVES AROUND
ALL OVER THE TOWN
TOONCES, THE DRIVING CAT!
ANNOUNCER
Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car.
(A housewife [Victoria Jackson] is cooking as her husband [Steve Martin] enters excitedly.)
HUSBAND
Honey, you won’t believe it! Toonces can drive a car!
WIFE
Toonces, our cat?
HUSBAND
That’s right! Come on, I’ll show you!
(Car driving on a mountain road. Sound of swerving tires. Inside car, a cat puppet is “driving” the car. Husband and wife sit alongside.)
HUSBAND
See, I told you he could drive.
WIFE
Toonces, look out!
(Stock footage of car going over a cliff and crashing) (Husband and wife, hair and clothes mussed, stagger over to a log and sit.)
WIFE
I thought you said he could drive!
HUSBAND
I thought he could. I saw him up there fooling around with the steering wheel, and I guess I just assumed he could drive.
WIFE
That’s okay, honey. Anybody would think that.
(Sound of car starting up and driving off)
HUSBAND
Hey, look! He’s driving away!
WIFE
I guess he can drive.
HUSBAND
Yeah. Just not very well.
SONG
HE DRIVES AROUND
ALL OVER THE TOWN
TOONCES, THE DRIVI
NG CAT!
ANNOUNCER
Next on Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car: “The Driving Test.”
(Wife is cooking as husband frets)
WIFE
Do you think Toonces will pass his driving test?
HUSBAND
I don’t know. The written part is pretty hard. And he can’t even read.
WIFE
Maybe he’ll make it up on the driving part.
HUSBAND
Damn, I just wish I could help him!
(Police officer [Kevin Nealon] in the front seat of car. Toonces is behind the wheel)
POLICEMAN
(to cat)
All right, sir, if you’ll just go ahead and pull out into traffic…
(Car suddenly accelerates)
POLICEMAN
LOOK OUT!!!
(Car flies off cliff)
SONG
TOONCES, THE DRIVING CAT!
(Fade)
Broadcast May 20, 1989
Happy Fun Ball
(Three exuberant young people chase a hard rubber ball down a suburban sidewalk. They are having way too much fun. Boing-boing-boing sound effects. Ventures guitar music.)
YOUNG WOMAN
(excited)
It’s happy!
YOUNG MAN
It’s fun!
ALL THREE
It’s Happy Fun Ball!
(Super: Happy Fun Ball)
ANNOUNCER
Yes, It’s Happy Fun Ball! The toy sensation that’s sweeping the nation!
(Product shot of Happy Fun Ball. Flashing “$14.95”)
ANNOUNCER
Only fourteen ninety-five, at participating stores! Get one today!
(Super the following warnings as announced:)
ANNOUNCER
(more serious)
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under ten should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
…Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
…Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
…Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete…. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
Itching
Vertigo
Dizziness
Tingling in extremities
(Super turns to crawl:)
Loss of balance or coordination
Slurred speech
Temporary blindness
Sudden hair loss
Chattering teeth
Heart palpitations
(Super:)
…If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
…Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
…When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company, Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
…Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
…Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes in Iraq.
…Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
…Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
(happier)
Happy Fun Ball!
(Super: Happy Fun Ball)
…Accept no substitutes!
(Fade)
Broadcast Feb. 16, 1991
The Zombies vs. the Bees
(Two lovers [Dana Carvey, Victoria Jackson] in a car on isolated lovers’ lane. Dark, scary woods. Girl breaks the kiss.)
BOY
What’s the matter?
GIRL
I don’t know. I feel like somebody’s watching us.
BOY
Oh, come on.
(They resume kissing. A zombie peers out from behind a bush.)
GIRL
(breaking kiss)
There. I heard something. Didn’t you hear that?
BOY
I didn’t hear anything. Come on, Wendy, it’s nothing.
GIRL
Are you sure?
BOY
Positive.
(Resume kissing. A group of zombies, arms outstretched, break out from the bushes, stagger toward car)
(Girl spots them and screams)
BOY
Oh, my God, what are they?
GIRL
They’re zombies! Let’s get out of here!
(Car won’t start. Zombies get closer. They’re hideous)
GIRL
Jeff, start the car!
BOY
It won’t start! We’re going to have to make a run for it!
(Zombies suddenly stop, then wave their arms, trying to ward off an attack of bees. Buzzing sounds.)
BOY
Wait! Something’s happening.
GIRL
They’re being attacked…by bees.
(Super: The Zombies vs. the Bees)
(Dramatic sci-fi music)
(Zombies, tormented by the bees, flail about)
(Sheriff’s office. Sheriff [Carl Weathers] talks to shaken boy and girl.)
SHERIFF
Now, tell me again what happened.
GIRL
There were these zombies stalking us. Then, all of a sudden, they were attacked by swarms of bees.
BOY
It was horrible, Sheriff.
SHERIFF
Well, what do you want me to do about it?
BOY
Shouldn’t we get involved somehow?
SHERIFF
Why? Who cares? It’s zombies and bees. Let them work it out.
(A zombie appears outside the window. He’s being attacked by bees. He howls and flails about.)
DEPUTY
Sheriff, there’s a zombie outside being attacked by bees. Should I let him in?
SHERIFF
No, he might eat us. Plus, he’ll just bring those bees in with him.
(Laboratory. Scientist [Nora Dunn] looks at a glowing liquid in a beaker. She phones. Sheriff answers.)
SCIENTIST
Sheriff, this is Professor Blanston. I’ve done it! I’ve succeeded in creating an ointment that will protect zombies from bee stings.
SHERIFF
So?
SCIENTIST
Well, aren’t we on the side of the zombies?
SHERIFF
No. Why would we be?
SCIENTIST
Well, they’re sort of humanoid, aren’t they?
SHERIFF
Yes, but they’re unnatural. They’re from the grave. If we took any side, I think it would be the bees. They’re more of a normal-type creature.
SCIENTIST
But they sting.
SHERIFF
Look, I’m not going to argue with you.
SCIENTIST
So what should I do with this ointment?
SHERIFF
Boy, you got me. I guess just throw it out.
(Sheriff hangs up. Deputy approaches.)
DEPUTY
Sir, I just received a report that piranhas have joined the war on the side of the zombies.
SHERIFF
Yeah? What does that mean?
DEPUTY
Well, basically, if any bees land on water infested with piranhas, the piranhas will attack them.
SHERIFF
Big deal. Who cares? Look, I’m gonna go play golf.
(Shot of zombies outdoors, stumbling about, swatting at bees.)
ANNOUNCER
The zombies and the bees continued their war for several more years, until finally, a peace treaty was signed. A representative of the humans was invited to attend the signing, but failed to show up.
(Super: The End)
(Fade)
Produced Jan. 27, 1988—never broadcast
Heartfelt thanks to all the friends and colleagues who have given so generously of their time and energy over the years to review, edit, and encourage my writings. Special mention should go my tireless testers, Tom Gammill, Bill Novak, and Max Pross. Thanks also to Kit Boss, John Fortenberry, Chris and Maria Hart, Pat and Anne Marble, George Meyer, and Jennifer Meyer, as well as Dave and Sue McIntyre; Linda, Lev, Ben, and Jesse Novak; Michelle Stock-well; Rhys Thomas; and David Tomlin.
Sandy Frazier, without your steadfast support and assistance I’m not sure this book would have come into being. So if people hate it, is it okay if I blame you?
It has been a pleasure to work once again with my gracious and discriminating book editor, Leslie Wells. Generous and overdue thanks also to my editor at The New Yorker, Susan Morrison, and my editor at Outside magazine, Mary Turner.
I am indebted to Lorne Michaels for letting me use my TV stuff in this book, and also for running probably the only show where a writer like me could thrive. And also for the great parties.
Thanks to Kurt Andersen, David Krasnow, and Peter Clowney at Studio 360 for putting me on such a classy radio program. And with cool sound effects, to boot.