by K. C. Crowne
“It's not nothing,” I said. “You wanted to say something, so say it.”
“It's just – well, you and I, we're close,” she says. “I just never know what to think about that.”
“Think about what?” I asked her.
The more she spoke, the more confused I got, but the more I wanted to know. With everything that had happened that day, I just wanted some damned clarity.
“Us,” she said, sounding exasperated.
“Us?” I asked.
She sighed and pulled her hand away from mine, her cheeks bright red.
“Never mind. I'm going into town to grab something to eat,” she said.
She hurried out of the kitchen before I could stop her. I sat there and listened as Jacklyn's footsteps sounded on the hardwood floor and then the steps as she rushed up to her room. I sat there, more confused than ever, and wondering if I honestly knew anyone anymore.
My head ached, and now, I wasn't even sure I wanted to look at the letters. Not now. I wanted to know what the hell Jacklyn meant by “us”, except, part of me thought I already did. No, I told myself. No, it's not like that. She doesn't think of me like that. I pushed all thoughts aside and listened for her to come down.
A few moments later, her boots sounded on the stairs and I stayed locked in my seat as she hurried out the front door.
Coward, I cursed myself.
But what could I have done? Told her I thought about her like that too? Nah, there was no way I could do that. There could be no us. It wasn't being a coward, it was being realistic. She was young and full of life. I might not be that old, but most days, I felt like I was. I was tired, everything on me hurt, and I just didn't have the patience to deal with a relationship and all that it entailed. She deserved better than what I could ever give her.
I pushed the letters away and instead of dinner, I settled for a liquid meal; a glass of whiskey in front of the fireplace. That was all I needed. Some whiskey and some silence. Both were much needed after that day.
I stared into the fire, the orange and red glow flickering off the amber liquid in my glass, my thoughts swirling and churning like a damn tornado.
7
Eli
“Why don’t you just save yourself the trouble and have it surgically implanted?” Sawyer asked, chuckling as he took a massive bite of his cheeseburger.
“Sorry, I had an unexpected audition yesterday,” I mumbled, putting my phone away. “It looked promising, but who knows? Hollywood is such a weird, fickle place.”
Sawyer didn't look too impressed. I knew both my brothers thought my dreams were silly – but they didn't understand them. Sawyer at least got it a bit more than Milo, but having lost out on his dream, he became pretty cynical about things working out for the rest of us. Not that I blamed him. He got handed a raw deal with the injury that had shelved his career before it had even really begun.
While I knew he could still go on to do great things, he was having a hard time believing that of himself. As an athlete he was kind of trained to do one thing, to think one way, and without that piece of his life anymore, Sawyer'd been a little lost.
“Think the letters will convince Milo?” he asked.
I shrugged. I was losing hope in the endeavor. I hated to admit it, but we only had a little more time before the deal was off the table and Milo wasn't budging. Bianca showing up hadn't helped matters like, at all. Speaking of which – I checked my phone again.
She'd tried to call me shortly after she left. I was still trying to deal with things with Milo, to get him to read the letters, so I hadn't picked up. But I needed to return her call and tell her that more than likely, the deal wouldn't go through. Although, I was pretty sure she got that sense on her own just by being there.
Sure, there was a chance that our mother's letters would change Milo's thinking and perhaps sway him, but I was really beginning to doubt it. He'd read only one and it hadn't seemed to faze him that much. I was beginning to believe that nothing would get through to him and that he really was going to hold onto the ranch until the day he died. Just like our miserable fucking father.
“It's so unfair,” Sawyer said, sighing. “We should have been given some ownership rights too.”
“Yeah, well, Dad knew if he did that, we'd sell. He knew we didn't love the place anywhere near as much as he and Milo did. He knew what he was doing,” I muttered. “And looks like the old bastard is going to get his way.”
Sawyer finished his cheeseburger while I stared down at my food. With the bills I had racking up and Milo not moving an inch to sell the ranch, I knew I'd need to make some changes. I'd banked on Milo selling and splitting the proceeds. Stupid of me to assume, but I thought I could talk some sense into my brother after the fire. After all, the cost of fixing the place up was going to be ridiculously high. You could never discount the stubbornness of a loyal man, however. Milo was loyal to our dad to the bitter end – and then still even after his death.
“I'm going to make a phone call,” I said.
“You eating those?” Sawyer asked, pointing at the French fries I hadn't touched yet.
“Go for it,” I said, sliding out of the booth.
Betty's Burgers was our regular little hole-in-the-wall burger joint. We had been going there been since we were kids, and not much had changed about it over the years. Betty was still working hard behind the counter, and the bright red booths were still the same as they were all those years ago. The place had a vintage feel to it, and not because that was the trend or anything – but because it had been an institution in our area for so long, and you didn't change institutions to keep up with the latest in style and decor.
I waved at Betty and whispered, “I'll be right back,” before slipping out the front door.
On my way out, I ran into Jacklyn of all people. She was coming in as I was going out, and we ran smack dab into one another. Her hands were on my chest to steady herself. I'd grabbed onto her without realizing it was her at first, and she stared up at me with those big blue eyes of hers.
“Oh, Eli, I'm sorry, I didn't see you there,” she said.
“It's alright,” I said. “Sawyer is inside if you'd like to join him.”
Her cheeks flushed, and she looked away. She also removed her hands from my chest and stepped back.
“I might go somewhere else,” she said softly.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yeah, everything is fine,” she said, biting her lower lip, still not meeting my gaze.
“I don't believe that for a second,” I said. “You and Milo get into a fight or something?”
The two of them almost always ate together – either at home or there at the diner. It was hard to find Jacklyn without my older brother at her side. She was like his shadow, always present and always watching over him.
I hated to admit it, but in all fairness, she was pretty good for him. She took care of him much like our mother had done for our father. Except they weren't together – not like that. I saw the way Milo looked at her though, and if given the chance – nah, he would never allow himself to be happy. Milo was stuck in a cycle of perpetual misery. One that he seemed to be incredibly comfortable in.
Just like Dad.
Someone like Jacklyn would bring happiness and joy to his life. It was something Milo couldn't have, or he'd have to let go of some of that misery he harbored within himself. Happiness was fleeting after all, it could be taken away – much like our mother had been when we were kids.
Misery, however, was comfortable for him. It was the known quantity in his life. It was familiar, just like the ranch. It would be equally hard forcing him to be happy as it would be to force him to give up the land.
“No, no fight,” she said. “I just needed a little bit of space tonight.”
“I understand,” I said, running a hand through my hair.
I stared at the phone in my hand. I really needed to get back to Bianca, but Jacklyn seemed to need something. I put the phon
e in my pocket and motioned for her to come inside. She hesitated, and I caught her staring at Sawyer through the glass window.
“Something happen between you and Sawyer?” I asked.
“You could say that, yes,” she said, her cheeks turning even a brighter shade of pink. She looked away, the expression on her face one of pure humiliation, which I knew, could only mean one thing.
“Something as in –”
She stopped me. “Yes.”
“Alrighty then,” I said, feeling more confused than ever.
Yes, Jacklyn and Sawyer got along and genuinely seemed to enjoy one another’s company. They were always playing around, goofing off, teasing each other mercilessly. I guess you could essentially call it a form of flirting, but I’d never really seen it that way. I'd just always assumed Jacklyn had a thing for Milo. Not Sawyer. I guess when she realized that Milo wasn't interested, she'd had to move on. And since she didn’t get off the ranch much and town wasn’t exactly stocked with eligible bachelors even if she did, that only left her so many options.
“Are you two okay?” I asked.
“Oh yeah, we’re totally fine,” she said. “I just don't know what to say to him after what happened.”
“Don't worry about it,” I said. “I'll buy you a milkshake, and if he makes things awkward, I'll kick him out.”
“I don't need your protection, you know,” she said, sounding a little irritated.
“Then why are you hesitant to come inside?” I asked.
“I just wanted to avoid the awkwardness,” she said, and then grinned, turning those blue eyes on me. “But since you offered a free milkshake, how can I resist?”
She walked behind me, and when Sawyer saw her, he dropped the fry in his hand. He seemed pleased enough. His eyes lit up and he stood, pulling Jacklyn into a warm embrace. For a brief and unsettling moment, I felt something akin to jealousy spark in my chest. It was true that I really didn’t know Jacklyn very well as I didn’t come home often but seeing her in action the past few days had made me take notice. She was beautiful, smart, kind, and not afraid to say what she felt. I could be happy with a woman like that. Could Sawyer?
I slid into my side of the booth and Jacklyn sat beside me. I tried hard not to let myself touch her, though I suddenly very much wanted to. When the waitress came back over, Jacklyn ordered and the awkwardness dissipated entirely. It felt like old times – except that Milo wasn't there with us.
Speaking of the devil, I had to ask, “So how was Milo when you left?”
“Same old Milo,” she said with a sigh.
“Meaning what?” I asked.
“Meaning he probably reached for the whiskey the minute I stepped out of the house,” she said.
Her voice sounded distant, and I knew it pained her to see him falling into the same abyss our father had fallen into. It hurt to see someone you cared about sabotaging themselves and knowing that there wasn’t a damn thing you could do about it. The table was quiet for a bit longer, an almost funerial atmosphere descending over us. Leave it to my big brother; even when he wasn't there, Milo could still kill a good vibe.
When I first saw Jacklyn, I'd had a small sliver of hope that maybe she'd tell me he'd changed his mind. Perhaps he'd looked over everything I'd left, and it was weighing on him now. But no, same old Milo. Nothing ever changed. Nothing ever would.
“Do you think you could talk to him, Jack?” Sawyer asked.
“Talk to him about what?” she asked.
“About selling the place,” he replied. “He listens to you.”
She chuckled under her breath, then folded and refolded the napkin in her lap, paying more attention to that than anything else. Finally, she looked up at us and spoke.
“I can't,” she said. “Because I happen to agree with him.”
“You do?” I scoffed.
“I do,” she said. “The place is important to him, and it's important to the community.”
“It's going to be his ruin,” I said in frustration. “You see how much he's drinking. You see how much work needs to be done.”
“I do,” she said. “And truthfully, the drinking got worse after you started harassing him to sell.”
Her tone was bitter, and she narrowed her eyes as she looked at me. She was just as stubborn as Milo, I could see it in her gaze. He had her believing that the ranch was worth saving. Bless her heart, she was a good girl. She wanted Milo to be happy, and she loved the place. But there was more that needed to be considered than simple sentimentality – like the financial aspect of it all.
Not just the financial aspect that benefitted us, but the financial aspect of what it would take to get the place back up and running again.
“Do you realize that once the insurance money runs out – and it will run out rather quickly – there will be no way to pay the bills to keep it up and running?” I asked. “There isn't enough income, especially with all the downtime that's going to be required to make repairs. It will take forever to get the place going again. And even before the fire, it was rarely filled to capacity anyway. Truth be told, it hardly brought in enough to keep the place operating even before the damn thing burned.”
Jacklyn sat up taller, her chin held high and a hard glint in her eye. “Believe it or not, I understand all that, Eli. Probably better than you do. I know what it costs to run the ranch, and I know we're currently operating at a loss,” she said. “But there's potential here, and I think once we get up and running again, there are ways to bring in more money.”
“Like what?” I said, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
“Like marketing, for one. Your dad was so behind on the times and Milo isn’t much better. He doesn't know how to reach out to a wider audience, to market himself. With sites like AirBnB and people looking for unique destinations, I see an opportunity to market to more people,” she said. “People from all over the world. Imagine being able to stay right outside San Diego – driving distance to the beach, Disneyland, Sea World, and a ton of other Southern California attractions – but feeling like you've stepped back into time. Being surrounded by land and horses and other animals too. And for way less money than a crowded hotel too.”
“And you think you can do this?” I said, skepticism coloring my words.
“I do, yes,” she said. “I've already done a lot of research, Eli. I know what I'm doing.”
“You trust your research enough to side with my brother, and to say no to a multi-million-dollar deal that would have us set for life?”
“There's more to life than money, Eli.”
“Yeah, sure there is,” I scoffed, “But being able to pay the bills is nice.”
“Well Milo can currently pay the bills, and in time, we'll do more than pay the bills and just get by,” she said, her jaw tightening and her gaze narrowing even further. “I know you're struggling in your career, but this isn't the way to get back on your feet again. This ranch is important to Milo, and it was important to your father too.”
“My father,” I said, rolling my eyes, “Did you really know my father, Jacklyn?”
“I worked for him for a bit, yes,” she said.
“But did you really know him? Did you see who he really was?”
“I don't know what you mean?” she asked.
“I mean he was an absolute dick who only cared about himself –”
Sawyer butted in, “Eli, that's a bit much.”
“Hell no, it's not,” I shot back. “Sawyer, you didn't have to deal with him like I did.”
“Because you were always trying go against him, on everything. If he said the sky was blue, you'd say it was green just to oppose him Eli,” Sawyer said. “Dad was no saint, but you weren't an angel either.”
“Fuck this,” I muttered.
I pulled out my wallet and threw some bills on the table. I motioned for Jacklyn to let me out, and she stood up. As I turned to leave, she grabbed my arm. I glared at her, anger surging within me.
“Eli, we're not y
our enemies here,” she said.
“It sure sounds that way to me,” I growled, yanking my arm free. “Enjoy your milkshake.”
I hurried from the restaurant, my jaw clenched tight and my fists even tighter at my side. My insides were boiling and my blood felt like it was on fire. I knew if I didn't leave, things were going to get ugly. I rarely lost my temper these days, but when I did, I threw punches way too fucking easily. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt my brother, even if his words had hurt me.
He had no idea what it was like being the black sheep of the family – the son our father was ashamed of having. He had no idea what it was like to be me, and there was no way he could speak about my experiences with any sort of factual knowledge.
Yeah, maybe I had been a bit of a dick growing up – what teenager wasn't? But Milo and Sawyer could get away with murder, while I was treated like a second-class citizen because they'd been the rough and tumble, man's man type, and I was different. I was the one my father smacked around when he was drunk and feeling particularly mean. I was the one who took the brunt of his behavior. My brothers knew nothing of that side of him and it hurt that they didn’t seem to believe me about it.
My phone rang as soon as I stepped outside the restaurant, and I answered without even looking at who was calling. As I held the phone to my ear, I found myself hoping it was my agent telling me I had the job.
“Eli, it's Bianca,” the voice on the other end said.
I sighed, clearly disappointed. “I'm sorry about this morning. Had you told me your plans sooner, I could have warned Milo –”
She cut me off, clearly not concerned with pleasantries. “Milo is still not willing to sign?”
“I'm afraid not,” I said. “At this point, I'm thinking it's hopeless.”
I walked toward my car when I heard a voice behind me. I turned and saw Jacklyn rushing toward me and I groaned.
“I wanted to apologize for sounding so harsh. I don't know what happened between you and your father, Eli. I'm not defending your father or what he did to you – I only stand with Milo. ”