Heartbroken (Gritt Family Book 1)

by Gabrielle G.

  “Hey,” I say like when I was sixteen.

  “Hey.” She kisses me.

  The rest of the night is a collection of kisses, touches, scratches, bites, groans, and orgasms.

  I lick her and find the same butterscotch taste on my tongue that I did years ago. I play with her clit until she asks me to bite her to come, and I do, remembering the pain she needs.

  I never break eye contact while my head is between her legs.

  Later, I ask her to look at me when she blows me while I’m sitting on the bed and she’s on her knees on the floor. She swirls, takes me deeply, bobs her head, but her eyes are still staring profoundly into mine.

  When I sit her on my shaft, wrapping my arms around her, our eyes are still connected. I wait for her panic to surge, but it doesn’t come.

  I tilt her backward, letting her head lean between my legs while her hands hold my ankles. Still watching her, I bend forward, playing with her erect nipples with the tip of my tongue. She glides up and down, and the more I bend, the more she glides, taking control of our pleasure. Her clit rubs against me, and I reach deep inside her with my dick. I hold my gaze on her when her pussy clenches around me, and she screams my name, her eyes hooded but still on mine. I’m ready to blow, so I move her around not to come inside her.

  “Stay inside,” she says, gliding fast.

  “I don’t have a condom,” I tell her between clenched teeth.

  “I always used a condom at the club or with Mark. I’m clean,” she says in a breath. So, I let go inside her, coming harder than I ever have, recognizing the familiarity of our bodies intertwined but at the same time noticing all the differences. Crawling into bed, we fall into each other’s arms, not bothering to get dressed or pull the blanket over us.

  “Did you turn off the stove?” she utters, her eyes closing. I smile, not because I could burn my house down, but because of the casualness we fall back into right away, as if nine thousand, eight hundred and fifty-five days never separated us.

  21

  Then - Alane

  I haven’t eaten since Aaron left. Every time I try to put food in my mouth, it doesn’t go down, or it comes back up. I feel miserable inside and out, and I have no strength to get out of bed. My lack of energy is such that I can barely walk without being exhausted.

  Taking a shower is a challenge, but my mother forces me to.

  Every day, she knocks quietly, helps me walk to the bathroom, bathes me, and dresses me, as if I was five again. She tried to shove me under the shower the first day, but I crumpled to the floor and cried for hours.

  She decided to give me a bath with little water then, adding that I wasn’t to be trusted not to drown myself as she reminded me suicide was a sin. I was only allowed to be sad for one day for my heart being ripped out of my chest, and then I was asked to move on.

  That’s when my flu symptoms started, and my mother came to the conclusion I was sick. She convinced my father that I should stay home until I was feeling better.

  I know it’s the heartbreak, but I didn’t tell her, otherwise she’d force me to go to school, and I’m sure I can’t bear walking the hallways where we would hold hands or skating on the rink where we kissed. I can’t even imagine looking at Luke.

  Patricia passed by to check up on me, and she told me Aaron had reached out to Chris. He’s happy to be single, delighted to be in Seattle, glad to be without me. That’s the report she gave me. I cried a little more when she left. Luke tried to pass by, but my mother didn’t let him in. I even think I heard Coach Gritt’s voice, but I didn’t move from my bed. Aaron’s parents are the last people I want to see. I believed they liked me. I thought I would always be welcome and that they were on our side.

  There’s being naïve, and then there’s being stupid. I guess I am naively stupid.

  “Can I come in?” The soft voice of Mrs. Gritt tears me apart from my self-deprecation. I don’t move, I feel the bed sag a little where she sits down. Her hand comes to my ankle, but I shift away.

  “He’s miserable too, you know.”

  “Isn’t it what you wanted?”

  “Oh honey, no. I thought you’d make it work long distance. That’s what Ridge and I did when we met, so I believed you had a chance. I didn’t think he would break up with you.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “I understand. Remember, you can talk to me about anything, right?” I stay silent. I know that, but I don’t want to.

  “These symptoms you’re having, your mother says it’s the flu. Should I worry it’s something else?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean,” she breathes heavily, “could you be pregnant?”

  “No,” I whisper, “we never had sex.” I peek through my eyelashes to see if she believes me, but it’s too dark to see any of her reactions.

  “It’s a bad heartache then. You’re going to need to get out of bed eventually and face the world, Alane.”

  “Why? So I can be reminded he’s not around anymore?” I sob, again. “Can you leave please?”

  “Of course, remember, I’m always here for you.” When she leaves, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

  Something she said is bothering me. I think for hours about our conversation, but I can’t pinpoint what has me conflicted.

  And then it clicks.

  I didn't get my period last week.

  Shit!

  I get out of bed faster than a cheetah and run to the bathroom to throw up.

  How could I be pregnant when we didn’t have sex? We didn’t… I’m panicking. My heart beats faster; I’m cold and hot at the same time, shivering with sweat dripping from my body. It can’t be. That’s the worst that could happen to me.

  Fucking pregnant.

  If I tell my parents, they’ll want me to marry Aaron, and he was clear it’s not what he wants. He wants Seattle; he wants to become a chef. I can’t rip that out of his hands. Following him for love is different than trapping him with a baby. I won’t be that girl.

  If I tell my parents, they’ll think I’m not a virgin anymore, and I’ll bring shame to our house. My father can’t be the Pastor of the town and have a pregnant teenage daughter. Everybody will know, it will get back to Aaron, and he will abandon school, come back here for me, and work at the diner all his life to support the baby and me.

  The other solution is to abort, but… it’s something Aaron and I created, and I can’t go there without guilt. Even if I lost Aaron, I could still have something from him.

  I’ll have to say goodbye to hockey and find a place to live. I need someone in my corner, someone who could understand, and someone to support me, but first I need a pregnancy test. I need to be sure before I make my arrangements to go where I know nobody will judge me for what happened. My aunt always said whenever I’m in trouble she would come in the next twenty-four hours, if I needed her to come.

  The house is quiet. I’m alone. Picking up the phone, I call my Aunt Clarisse. She’s my mother’s sister, but she didn’t marry a man of God. She’s as open as the Gritts. She lives the life she wants, and I know she’ll help me.

  “Hello?”

  “It’s Alane,” I whisper into the phone “I don’t know what to do, I need help, Auntie” I speak fast because it’s expensive to call her. I know my father will see the long-distance call in the middle of the day and blame my mother. I won’t let her take the blame though.

  “What’s the problem?” She cuts to the chase, knowing that if I call it’s because it’s serious. We never speak on the phone, and I barely see her anymore. My parents don’t approve of her writing. They say it’s pornography, when it’s just sex help books for couples in trouble. Nothing to be ashamed of. Not like being a teenage mother out of wedlock.

  “I…” I exhale. Saying it out loud makes it more real. “I think I’m pregnant.” I don’t need to say more. She knows my parents more than anybody else. She knows about the shaming, she knows I’m stuck here, she knows I need
her.

  “I’ll be there tomorrow, Alane. I was flying to New York anyway to see my publisher. I’ll rent a car and come. I’ll bring a pregnancy test, sit with you and your parents, and we’ll find a solution. Is the boy still in the picture?”

  “No, he left for Seattle two weeks ago. Dad helped him get into one of the best schools in the country… But we never had sex, he was never in me...”

  “Just because he didn’t put it in, doesn’t mean that you didn’t have sex, girl. Clearly, something happened. We’ll talk tomorrow. Wait for me before you say anything to your parents. Your dad might send you overseas to deal with you, and I won’t let that happen to my only niece. Hang in there, kiddo. I’ll be there soon.”

  The next hours are excruciating. I think I might be pregnant, but I don’t know if I am. I can’t go to the pharmacy or the doctor because it will get back to my parents faster than me going home and peeing on a stick. I can’t drive to another city because I don’t have my driver’s license, and I can’t ask anybody for help. All I can do is wait, and cry, and worry, and of course, throw up.

  I fall asleep wondering what my life is going to be like if I’m pregnant. I would need to finish high school, find a job, and raise my child. I would need a place to stay. I would need to leave Springs Falls and everybody else I know and love.

  People fighting downstairs wake me up. It’s a clear indication Aunt Clarisse has arrived, and I might have slept more than I thought.

  “Let me see her, Thomas, or for the love of God, I promise you there won’t be enough of you praying to Jesus to save your life!” my Aunt Clarisse screams.

  “Why do you want to see her?” my mother says.

  “Why do you think, Penelope? Because she called me!”

  “She called you? Is it because of that stupid boy again?”

  “You mean the boy you sent away, Thomas?”

  “I gave him an opportunity. She needs to go to Bishop’s for hockey!”

  “Well, dear brother-in-law, your plan might have failed,” Aunt Clarisse raises her voice. I come to the top of the stairs to see my father and my aunt staring at each other.

  “Aunt Clarisse?” I’m worried that this was all a big mistake.

  “There you are!” She scoffs at my dad while climbing the stairs. I brought what you need, let’s go to the bathroom.” She guides me away. “You need to know like yesterday.”

  “Why do you think she needs something in the bathroom?” I hear my dad say while my mother gasps. “Alane, are you?” I don’t answer and run to the bathroom. I hear my parents fighting in the back, and I start crying again. Aunt Clarisse takes care of everything for me. I think if she could pee on the stick instead of me, she would do it.

  “Why don’t we go out there, break up the fight and speak about the options you have,” she says calmly, as if my life wasn’t about to implode

  We find my parents downstairs, still blaming each other, and it solidifies my decision to leave this house.

  I sit at the dinner table and wait for them to join me. They are not much calmer than they were one minute ago, but I have to come clean. I open my mouth to tell them my story, but of course, my father doesn’t let me speak.

  “I’m going to call his parents, he’s going to come back, and you will marry him. He can work to support you, and we’ll find you something to do.”

  “No.” My father sends me a disapproving look. “You worked hard for him to have such an opportunity. I don’t want you to ruin it because of me. I don’t want him to choose me by obligation. I don’t want him in my life if he doesn’t love me.”

  “Love… you’re such a child, Alane,” he answers coldly. “I guess that’s how you got pregnant! Being a child but playing at being an adult. That boy looked me in the eyes and told me he didn’t have sex with you.”

  “We didn’t, Dad. We did other things, I won’t deny it, but we never had sex!”

  “Then what? Are you saying this is an intervention from God?” I can’t look at the disappointment he’s throwing my way. I’m a failure. I know it. My lips start to quiver, but I choked back my tears. I need to be strong.

  “I understand that if I’m pregnant, you’ll be ashamed if I stay here, but you’ll be more ashamed if I don’t keep the baby. I want to keep it, but I don’t want the Gritts to know. So, I was thinking, if it’s okay with Aunt Clarisse, I could go live with her. Finish high school by being homeschooled, have the baby and find a job. I would need help until the baby is born and a little afterwards, but I thought about it, and I think it’s the best solution.”

  “If you leave for Arizona, it’s to go live with MY family, not with your liberated aunt!”

  “And what would your family say, Thomas, if you send them a pregnant daughter? Think about it.”

  My mother is quiet, letting my aunt and father fight about me. Her eyes find mine, and I can see the embarrassment and pain I’m inflicting on her. I wince and mouth a pathetic “I’m sorry,” but she ignores me.

  She stands up abruptly and leaves the room.

  My father and aunt fall silent for a moment until falling back into their argument about my future.

  When my mother reappears, she’s holding the pregnancy test in her shaking hand, tears in her eyes. She looks at me without really seeing me, and behind her tears I see all the shame, dishonor, and disdain a mother should never feel towards her spawn. She’s not crying because she’s sad her only daughter might be leaving, she’s crying because she’s ashamed of whom her daughter has become.

  She clears her throat, and with a shaky voice, she decides on my future.

  “You’re pregnant, Alane. I’ll pack your bags.”

  22

  Now – Alane

  “Hi, Mom.” Adam and I haven’t talked in a few days, and I’m glad to hear his voice. We never spend more than a couple of days without talking, but with the time difference and me not keeping up with his schedule, I lost track of his whereabouts. I also have been busy spending time with Aaron, rediscovering one another and remembering how much we loved about each other. I can still see the sweet, patient, determined boy behind the loving, sexy and authoritative man. It’s familiar and new. It’s a home away from home.

  “Hi, sweetie, how are you?”

  “You seem cheerful. That’s… not what I was expecting.”

  “Well, I kind of reconnected with someone. Maybe when you’re closer to my part of the country, we can talk, I need to tell you something, but it’s not something I want to say over the phone.”

  “Okay... I’ll be in New York next week. Maybe I could head your way, see where you grew up?”

  “Oh no, sweetie, there is nothing to see here, and I don’t want you to change your schedule. I haven’t been to New York in years, why don’t I meet you there?” I don’t want him to set foot in Springs Falls before I tell him about Aaron or before I tell Aaron about him. Them meeting before I come clean would be a disaster.

  “Mom. Come on, I can take a few days off to come see you.”

  “Let me think about it, and I’ll let you know. How are things otherwise?” Adam tells me about his life on the road, signing the sci-fi graphic novels he wrote. He’s become a sensation with fans everywhere. Teenagers love what he writes, but he’s still new in that world. We hung up promising to talk soon and to think about meeting here instead of New York.

  Later, I meet with Aaron at the rink. He decided it’s time I get back on skates, and I would be lying if I say I wasn’t nervous.

  I’m petrified to put skates on, but I believe that the only person who can help me overcome my fear is Aaron. It’s been a long time. Aaron assured me that it’s like riding a bicycle, and I shouldn’t have forgotten it, but I’m still shaking as I lace the skates he bought me.

  “Remember, Sweets, I’ll kiss you as soon as you feel your anxiety rising.” He winks, jumping onto the rink. I’m thrown back to years ago when we would practice together. His style hasn’t changed much. As his hips sway while gliding, I
find the courage to come closer, hesitating to set my blades on the ice.

  “Come on, or do you need me to hold your hand?” he teases, daring me at the same time. In a game of truth or dare, I always took the dare. Challenge me to do something, and I would have done it. It was like that until I started to second-guess most of my moves. That’s why I never thought twice before pushing my boundaries, in sports, in life, in sex. That’s who the old Alane was. Being here with Aaron, that Alane wants to come back, and I’m not afraid of letting her. She’s like Aaron, familiar and appeasing, I liked her much better than who I became over the last nine years. I know skating won’t erase my anxiety; I know Aaron is not a magical remedy, but if I can at least enjoy some of whom I was before, I’ll take it. So I step onto the ice, one foot after the other. Aaron is watching me; I’m pretty sure he’s ready to slide to my rescue if needed. I’m still in control. I breathe in, breathe out, and I let go. As I skate faster, the wind kisses my face, and I feel my fears, my hang ups, and all the weight I’ve carried on my shoulders since I left town, chipping away. It’s liberating. Laughing, I charge towards Aaron and side stop quickly next to him.

  “You look so beautiful, so free.” He leans in to kiss me, but as his lips come closer, I back away.

  “Race you to the other side, Gritt.” And I leave, giving it all I have until I feel his hands on my waist because he’s caught up to me. He pulls me to him, and nips at my neck. It tickles more than it used to, sending me in a fit of giggles. We continue skating, holding hands like the two punks in love that we used to be.

  “Let me ask you something,” he says in all seriousness. “Who taught your son to skate if you didn’t get on the ice for so long?”