CITIZENS
All the talk of hypenated citizenship has evidently had its effectupon a San Francisco youngster, American born, who recently rebelledfiercely when his Italian father whipped him for some misdemeanor.
"But, Tomaso," said one of the family, "your father has a right towhip you when you are bad."
Tomaso's eyes flashed. "I am a citizen of the United States," hedeclared. "Do you think that I am going to let any foreigner lick me?"
CITY AND COUNTRY
_See_ Country life.
CIVICS
Mrs. Profiteer was very proud of the stunts they were doing at thesmart private school to which she had sent her daughter.
"My dear," she said to her friend, "she's learning civics if youplease."
"What's civics?" asked the friend.
"Civics? My dear, don't you know? Why, it's the science of interferingin public affairs."
CIVILIZATION
France says it is art. England says it is conquest. America says it is energy. Italy says it is song. Russia says it is work. Japan says it is imitation. Satan says it is his private "movie."
Nations, like individuals, live and die; but civilization cannotdie.--_Mazzini_.
The truest test of civilization is not the census, nor the size ofcities, nor the crops; no, but the kind of man the country turnsout.--_Emerson_.
CLASS DISTINCTIONS
Secretary Hoover said at a banquet: "One difference between Europeand America is that over there they like to keep you in yourplace--stationary, you know, while here we like to see a man rise.
"The European idea is pretty well illustrated by the remarks ofMuggins. Muggins on his return from the pub one Saturday night, saidto his wife:
"'I believe in manly pride and reasonable ambition, but when SergeantTodd with his cork leg takes to carryin' a cane besides, it looksto me as if he was tryin' to climb out of the station what DivineProvidence sunk him into.'"
CLEANLINESS
"Ma, do I have to wash my face?"
"Certainly!"
"Aw, why can't I just powder it like you do yours?"
General Sherman once stopped at a country home where a tin basin androller-towel sufficed for the family's ablutions. For two mornings thesmall boy of the household watched in silence the visitor's toilet.When on the third day the tooth-brush, nail-file, whisk-broom, etc.,had been duly used, he asked: "Say, mister, air you always that muchtrouble to you'se'f?"
_See also_ Baths and bathing.
CLERGY
Some time ago a dinner was given in New York at which a well-knownactor, who is something of a freethinker along theological lines, satat the guest-table. When the hour for starting the feast arrived thetoastmaster, a very religious man, discovered that no minister of theGospel was present, tho several had been invited. In this emergency heturned to the actor and asked him to say grace.
The actor rose, bowed his head, and in the midst of a deep hush saidfervently:
"There being no clergyman present, let us thank God!"
_Horse-power Misrated_
The new minister drove his two-horse rig up to the mountain ranch ofone of his congregation. There had been some difference of opinion asto his qualifications. At the gate he was met by a small boy of thefamily, who was evidently cogitating a matter of deep perplexity.
"Be you our preacher?"
"I am."
The boy eyed first the preacher and then the horses, his brow puckeredwith growing perplexity.
"That's queer," he drawled. "I hern Dad tell the neighbors you was aone-hoss preacher."
Ting-a-ling-a-ling!
The Rev. George C. Abbitt took down the receiver and placed it to hisear.
"Is that the Dickel Liquor Company?" a woman asked.
Mr. Abbitt recognized the voice as that of one of his parishioners.
"No," he replied in stern reproof; "it is your rector."
Was there a dull thud?
No.
"Indeed," said the lady, quick as a flash, "and pray what are youdoing there?"
TEARFUL PARISHIONER (saying farewell to departing minister)--"I don'tknow what we will do when you are gone, Dr. Blank."
MINISTER--"Oh, the church will soon get a better man than I am."
TEARFUL PARISHIONER--"That's what they all say, but they keep gettingworse and worse."
A clergyman was accustomed to use scientific terms which the peopledid not understand. A deputation waited on him with the request thatin the future, whenever he used such terms, he would explain them.
On the following Sunday he used the word "hyperbole," and added:
"As agreed on, I beg to explain this word. Were I to say that at thismoment the whole of my congregation are sound asleep, it wouldbe hyperbole; but if I say that one-half are asleep, that is nothyperbole, but the truth."
The next day the deputation again called to say that the ministerneed not explain technical terms; they'd learn their meaning from adictionary.
A minister came to the Episcopal church, at Williamsport, Pa., tospeak.
"Do you wish to wear a surplice?" asked the rector.
"Surplice!" cried the visitor. "Surplice! I am a Methodist. What do Iknow about surplices? All I know about is a deficit!"
The Scotch minister rose and cleared his throat, but remained silent,while the congregation awaited the sermon in puzzled expectancy. Atlast he spoke:
"There's a laddie awa' there in the gallery a-kissin' a lassie," hesaid. "When he's done ah'll begin."
A clergyman famous for his begging abilities was once catechizing aSunday-school. When comparing himself as pastor of the church to ashepherd, and his congregation to the sheep, he put the followingquestion to the children: "What does the shepherd do for the sheep?"
To the confusion of the minister a small boy in the front row pipedout: "Shears them!"
A small town boasts a female preacher. One day when working in herstudy she heard a timid knock at her door. Answering the summons shefound a bashful young German on the step.
"Good-afternoon," the preacheress remarked. "What do you wish?"
"Do der minister lif in dis house?"
"Yes, sir."
"Yess? Veil, I vant to kit merriet."
"All right; I can marry you."
The lady's hair is beginning to silver and the German glanced at it.Then without comment he jammed his hat on his head and hurried downthe walk.
"Will you be back?" she called.
"You gits no chance mit me," he answered. "I don't want you; I haf gotme a girl alreaty."
A clergyman was spending the afternoon at a house in the Englishvillage where he had preached. After tea he was sitting in the gardenwith his hostess. Out rushed her little boy holding a rat above hishead. "Don't be afraid, mother," he cried; "he's dead. We beat him andbashed him and thumped him until"--catching sight of the clergyman, headded, in a lowered voice--"until God called him home."
Two Irish women in the market place of Cork were talking of the newcurate.
"Arrah, Biddy," said one, "did ye hear him last Sunday when hepreached on 'Hell'?"
"Faith an' I did that same, and shure he might have been born andreared there, so well did he know all about it."
An Episcopal rector and a Roman Catholic priest had neighboringchurches and didn't get along very well. After some time, however,they got together and decided to bury the hatchet.
"For, after all," said he of the Episcopal faith, "we are both doingthe Lord's work."
"That is true," said the priest. "Let us therefore do his work to thebest of our ability: you in your way," concluded the priest, and thenadded with a twinkle, "and I in his!"
_See also_ Contribution box; Preaching.
CLOTHING
"I simply can't understand the combination of my wife's clothes."
"What puzzles you?"
"Well, when she wants to hide anything, she pokes it down her neck,but when she wants to get it again it's always in her stocking."
&
nbsp; _Why They Don't Wear Old Clothes_
Father--Because he never can tell when he might be detained at theoffice on business.
Brother Bill--Because he has got to look his best in case he meets (a)a certain young lady, (b) her father, (c) her mother, (d) any othernear relative of (a).
Sister May--Because everybody would know it if she put on one of lastyear's dresses.
Angela, aged five--Because she has outgrown everything she ever wore.
Tommy, aged seven--Because he has outworn everything he hasn'toutgrown.
The Richest Man in Town--Because he can't afford to look shabby.
The Poorest Man in Town--Same reason.
The Mayor--Because he is mayor.
His Chief Rival--Because he hopes to become mayor.
The President of the Ladies' Federation--Because the newspapers areforever sending photographers after her.
Mother--Because there's no fun playing the game alone.
Where are the clothes of yesteryear-- And of the year before? Bare is the cupboard--shelf and hook; Barren, the garret's cobwebbed nook; Empty, the darksome drawer! Why should they strangely disappear-- All the old clothes of yesteryear?
Where are the clothes of yesteryear? Easy would be the search. Seek them where duty or pleasure calls; Seek them in learning's classic halls-- Office or club or church. Rich and lowly, alike, appear Wearing the clothes of yesteryear.
Honor the clothes of yesteryear, Deal with them tenderly; Don them gladly and make them last, Friends of an opulent era past; Stout may their fabric be! Drink long life to their new career-- Here's to the clothes of yesteryear!
--_Jennie Betts Hartswick_.
"I'm afraid these Louis XV heels are much too high for me. Perhaps youhave lower ones--say about Louis X would do, I think."
I can not wear the old suit I wore long years ago; It's shiny at the shoulders, My knees and elbows show. But on investigation I Discover this is true: I can not wear the old suit, Nor can I buy a new.
"Is this the hosiery department?" said the voice over the phone.
"Yes," replied the weary saleslady.
"Have you any flesh-colored stockings in stock?" asked the voice.
"Yes," replied the weary saleslady. "Whaddy ya want--pink, yellow, orblack?"
They had been poor all their lives. Then one day Uncle Oscar died,leaving Henry a large sum of money. He cashed the check, hurried home,and threw the whole amount in his wife's lap. "At last, my dear," hesaid, "You will be able to buy yourself some decent clothes."
"I'll do nothing of the sort," sezz she. "I'll get the same kind thatother women wear."
CLUBS
"A lady, you know, rang up the club the other evening.
"'Please call my husband to--,' she began, but she was interrupted.
"'Your husband ain't here, ma'am,' said the attendant, blandly.
"'My goodness gracious me!' the lady exclaimed, 'You're mighty sureabout it, aren't you? And I haven't told you my name yet, either.Look here, mister, how do you know my husband isn't at the club when Ihaven't told you my name?'
"The attendant answered more blandly than ever:
"'Nobody's husband ain't never at the club, ma'am.'"
COAL
There is a New York scientist who is greatly interested in coalmining. He decided to subscribe to a press-clipping bureau, to getevery new slant on coal. He said to the clipping bureau: "I wanteverything you can find about coal." The first clipping he got was anarticle about a man who was suing his wife for a separation becauseshe hit him on the head with a lump of coal.
COFFEE
Senator Stone, of Missouri, is a lover of coffee, and unless it isboth strong and good the waiter at restaurant or hotel soon hears fromhim. Recently he took a little trip to Baton Rouge and went into arestaurant for dinner. On raising his cup to his lips he made a wryface and then beckoned to the proprietor.
"What do you call this stuff?" he asked.
"Coffee," meekly replied the man, somewhat surprised.
"Coffee!" repeated Stone with scorn. "I could put a coffee bean intomy mouth, dive into the Mississippi River from the end of this street,swim 'way up to Vicksburg, and I'll guarantee that any one could bailup much better coffee than this over the entire route!"
COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS
DRESSMAKER--"I have come to see you sir, about Mrs. Brown's account."
BROWN (angrily)--"Why don't you see my wife about it and not come tome?"
DRESSMAKER--"I have, several times, but every time I call she doesnothing but order a new gown."
A young Swede in South Dakota, who had been sent out to collect billsfor the general store, returned with this report:
"Yon Brown, he say he pay when he sell his wheat; Ole Oleson, hesay he pay when he sell his oats; and Yon Yonson, he say he pay inYanuary."
"In January?" repeated the proprietor, surprised. "Why, he never set adate before. Are you sure he said in January?"
"Veil, Ay tank it bane Yanuary. He say it bane dam cold day when youget your money."
During an epidemic in a small Southern town every infected housewas put under quarantine. After the disease had been checked, an oldnegress protested vigorously when the health officers started to takedown the sign on her house.
"Why, Auntie," exclaimed the officer, "why don't you want me to takeit down?"
"Well, sah," she answered, "dey ain' be'n a bill collectah neah dishouse sence dat sign went up. You-all let it alone!"
Little Andrew was playing in the yard, in which there is a coop forhis pigeons. All pigeons were inside with the exception of one whichwas walking up and down in front of the door. Andrew ran up to hismother in great excitement and said:
"Mamma, is that one a collector?"
Whereat his mother asked him why. Then Andrew said:
"Well, he can't get in."
"Hello Millett," called out a neighbor one morning "I saw you startingaway yesterday morning very early on your fishing trip. Did you haveany luck?"
"Great!" was the reply. "While I was away three collectors called."
"I wish to see Mr. Jones about a bill."
"He's away on vacation, sir."
"Did he leave any address?"
"Yes, sir. For bill collectors it's 'Somewhere in America.'"
MERCHANT: "They say you are very successful with old bills and seldomhave to dun them twice. What's the secret?"
BAD-BILL COLLECTOR: "I am afflicted with insomnia and do my collectingnights."
A Texas tradesman has this pertinent sign in a conspicuous place inhis store:
Man is made of dust.
Dust Settles.
Be a Man!
"Norah," said Mrs. Dedbeat, from the top of the stairs, "tell that manwho is ringing the doorbell that I am not receiving today!"
The servant girl went to the door and said something to the man; thenshe stepped into the hall and called upstairs:
"I told him you were not receivin' today, ma'am! But he says he ain'tdeliverin', he's collectin'!"
He was running a small provision-store in a newly developed district,and the big wholesale dealers found him very backward in payment ofhis accounts.
They sent him letter after letter, each more politely threatening thanthe last. Finally they sent their representative down to give him asporting chance.
"Now," said the caller, "we must have a settlement. Why haven't yousent us anything? Are things going badly?"
"No. Everything's going splendidly. You needn't worry. My bankers willguarantee me all right."
"Then why haven't you paid up?"
"Well, you see, those threatening letters of yours were so well donethat I've been copying them and sending them round to a few customersof my own who won't pay up, and I've collected nearly all outstandingdebts. I was only holding back because I felt sure there must be afinal letter, and I wanted to get the series complete."
_Probably Meant Florida_
"So the doctor told you to go to a warmer climate. What was the natureof the trouble you consulted him about?"
"I went there to collect a bill."
"Why don't you pay your bills?" angrily demanded the collector, afterhis tenth fruitless call.
"What?" exclaimed Mr. Dedbete. "Do you imagine I could be sohard-hearted as to deprive you poor fellows of your employment?"
ARTIST--"I'm awfully sorry I can't pay you this month."
LANDLORD--"But that's what you said last month."
ARTIST--"You see I keep my word; you can have confidence in me."
_See also_ Bills; Debts.
COLLECTION BOX
_See_ Contribution box.
COLLEGE GRADUATES
"There's a college graduate at the door. He wants a job."
"What can he do?" asked the self-made man.
"He says he's pretty good in Greek."
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