"Umph! Tell him I haven't sold $1 worth of goods to Greece since I'vebeen in the export business."
COLLEGE STUDENTS
"I am delighted to meet you," said the father of the college student,shaking hands warmly with the professor. "My son took algebra from youlast year, you know."
"Pardon me," said the professor, "he was exposed to it, but he did nottake it."
RUPERT--"What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table lastnight?"
ROLAND--"They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry."
RUPERT--"Ye gods, the entire history of England was on them."
'07--"You are always behind in your studies."
'23--"Well, you see, sir, it gives me a chance to pursue them."
STUDENT (writing home)--"How do you spell 'financially'?"
OTHER--"F-i-n-a-n-c-i-a-l-l-y, and there are two R's in'embarrassed.'"--_Harper's_.
_See also_ Degrees.
COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES
SOPH.--"How does it happen you came to Harvard? I thought your fatherwas a Yale man."
FRESH.--"He was. He wanted me to go to Yale; I wanted to go toPrinceton. We had an argument and he finally told me to go toH----."--_Yale Record_.
_On The Aristocracy of Harvard_
I come from good old Boston, The home of the bean and the cod; Where the Cabots speak only to Lowells, And the Lowells speak only to God!
--_Dr. Samuel G. Bushnell_.
_On the Democracy of Yale_
Here's to the town of New Haven, The home of the truth and the light; Where God speaks to Jones in the very same tones, That he uses with Hadley and Dwight!
--_Dean Jones_.
COMMITTEE
BOBBIE--"What is a committee, pa?"
FATHER--"A committee, my son, is something which takes a week to dowhat one good man can do in an hour."
COMMON SENSE
A farmer, just arrived in town, was walking across the street andhappened to notice a sign on a hardware store, "Cast Iron Sinks."
He stood for a minute and then said, "Any fool knows that."
Common sense is in spite of, not because of age.--_Lord Thurlow_.
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.--_H. W. Shaw_.
COMMUNISM
We were talking to our friend O'Doul about politics, and he was calmenough until somebody announced himself "a violent radical."
"I can stand for Socialism--a little of it, anyway," said O'Doulfiercely; "but it's this Communism that makes me mad; I'm not going tostand for any form of government under which a man can come up to meand say, 'O'Doul, there are too many men just like you in New York.You go out and live in Columbus.'"
A--"Your communism is stupid. If everything were divided today, in avery short time your portion would be gone. What then?"
B--"Divide again!"
COMMUTERS
Stationed at the Mont Sec observation post, near St. Mihiel, a Frenchsoldier was showing the scenery to a doughboy.
"I have been in this section ever since the beginning of the war," hesaid. "Back there is Commercy, where my home is."
"I suppose you get home once in a while?" said the doughboy.
"Nearly every week," was the response.
"Hell," said the doughboy, thinking of his own home in South Bend,Ind. Then, calling to a comrade, he added: "Hey, buddie; here's a guywhat commutes to the war!"
FIRST COMMUTER--"Do you have to take such an early train as this?"
SECOND COMMUTER--"No. But I find the earlier the train the lesseverybody cares to talk."
COMPARISONS
MR. JOHNSON (indignantly)--"Now see here, yo'! Dat's twice yo' calledme Jackson! If yo' don't know no moah dan to confuse me wif datwall-eyed, knock-kneed, bandy-legged, fiat-footed, paraletic niggerJackson, we'll call dis game right here!"
MR. PERSIMMONS--"'Scuse me, Johnson-'scuse me! Don't draw a razor onme like Jackson did de other night wen I called him Johnson. Yo'two fellahs ain't such a much alike 'cept in youah looks an generalcharacteristics. Dat's all."
It is said that Mr. Asquith has only once been known to laugh outrightwhen on a public platform. The record-making occasion was at apolitical meeting in Scotland. The Premier was constantly beinginterrupted, one of the chief hecklers being a farmer wearing a largestraw hat. Suddenly from someone in the hall came a very personalremark concerning Mr. Asquith.
"Who said that?" he demanded, quickly.
There was sudden silence. Then a man in the audience stood up, and,pointing to the farmer with the straw hat, shouted:
"It was him wi' the coo's breakfast on his head!"
The reply was altogether too much for Mr. Asquith, and he had to joinin the general roar of laughter.
COMPENSATION
"There's a bright side to everything."
"To those high food prices?"
"Certainly. Think of the cases of indigestion they have cured."
A little girl who had been out walking with her aunt heard the lattercomplaining that her feet were tired. "My feet get tired too, whenI go out walking," said the small maiden, "but I always think what anice ride my stomach has been having."
"Anyhow, there's one advantage in having a wooden leg," said theveteran.
"What's that?" asked his friend.
"You can hold your socks up with thumb-tacks."
COMPETITION
The clergyman's eloquence may have been at fault, still he feltannoyed to find that an old gentleman fell asleep during the sermon ontwo consecutive Sundays. So, after service on the second week, he toldthe boy who accompanied the sleeper that he wished to speak to him inthe vestry.
"My boy," said the minister, when they were closeted together, "who isthat elderly gentleman you attend church with?"
"Grandpa," was the reply.
"Well," said the clergyman, "if you will only keep him awake during mysermon, I'll give you a nickel each week."
The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the next two weeks theold gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The third week,however, found him soundly asleep.
The vexed clergyman sent for the boy and said: "I am very angry withyou. Your grandpa was asleep again today. Didn't I promise you anickel a week to keep him awake?"
"Yes," replied the boy, "but grandpa now gives me a dime not todisturb him."
"Yes," said the specialist, as he stood at the bedside of the sickpurchasing agent, "I can cure you."
"What will it cost?" asked the sick man, faintly.
"Ninety-five dollars."
"You'll have to shade your price a little," replied the purchasingagent, "I have a better bid from the undertaker."
COMPLIMENTS
A rector in South London was visiting one of his poorer parishioners,an old woman, afflicted with deafness. She expressed her great regretat not being able to hear his sermons. Desiring to be sympatheticand to say something consoling, he replied, with unnecessaryself-depreciation, "You don't miss much."
"So they tell me," was the disconcerting reply.
"You don't seem to enjoy being referred to as a good loser."
"No," replied Cactus Joe. "In the course of time a good loser comes tobe regarded merely as a poor performer."
_See also_ Tact.
CONCEIT
The small girl was at the table drawing, and her mother asked her whatthe picture was to be.
"God," replied the child simply.
"But you can't draw God," protested the mother, "because you havenever seen Him; no one has ever seen Him and no one knows what Helooks like."
The small girl licked her pencil and put in another touch. "They'llall know when I finish this," she said.
A young lady once asked Oscar Wilde to give her a list of the onehundred greatest books ever written.
"Impossible, my dear," replied Oscar; "I have only written five."
CONDUCT
_I Resolve_
To kee
p my health To do my work To live To see to it I grow and gain and give Never to look behind me for an hour To wait in weakness and to walk in power; But always fronting onward to the light Always and always facing toward the right Robbed, starved, defeated, fallen wide astray On with what strength I have Back to the Way.
--_Charlotte Perkins Stetson_.
_Envoy_
If I am happy, and you, And there are things to do, It seems to be the reason Of this world!
Be Noble! and the nobleness that lies In other men, sleeping but never dead, Will rise in majesty to meet thine own; Then wilt thou see it gleam in many eyes Then will pure light around thy path be shed And thou wilt nevermore be sad and lone.
--_Lowell_.
"To every man there openeth A Way and Ways, and a Way, And the High soul climbs the High Way And the Low soul gropes the Low, And in between on the misty flats, The rest drift to and fro. But to every man there openeth A High Way, and a Low, And every man decideth The Way his soul shall go."
--_John Oxenham_.
Half the joy of life is in "letting go" every once in a while, and,if you let go twice every once in awhile, it seems that you have justthat much more fun.
When days go wrong, remember they aren't self-starters.
I often think that anyone can face A crisis or a crushing tragedy With calm, exalted courage, but the place That needs the greatest strength and energy Is daily grind: to manage just to laugh At all the petty hazards of each day-- To smile, whilst sifting life's wheat from its chaff And strive to see just good along the way.
--_Helba Baker_.
_Promise Yourself_
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism cometrue.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expectonly the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about success of others as you are aboutyour own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greaterachievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and to have a smile readyfor every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have notime to criticise others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world--notin loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you aretrue to the best that is in you.
CONFESSIONS
_Open Confession is Good for the Soul_
Surgeon's instrument case lost in some saloon. Reward. Dr. H.E. Lebel.1227 Hennepin.
A certain rector, just before the service, was called to the vestibuleto meet a couple who wanted to be married. He explained that therewasn't time for the ceremony then. "But," said he, "if you will beseated I will give you an opportunity at the end of the service tocome forward, and I will then perform the ceremony."
The couple agreed, and at the proper moment the clergyman said: "Willthose who wish to be united in the holy bond of matrimony please comeforward?"
Thereupon thirteen women and one man proceeded to the altar.
The Irish lad and the Yiddish boy were engaged in verbal combat.Finally the subject came down to their respective churches.
"I guess I know that Father Harrity knows more than your Rabbi," thelittle Irish boy insisted.
"Shure, he does; vy not?" replied the Jewish boy. "You tell himeverything."
CONFIDENCES
A man got in a cab at a Southern railway station and said: "Drive meto a haberdasher's."
"Yaas, suh," said the driver, whipped up his horse and drove a block;then he leaned over to address his passenger: "'Scuse me, boss; whard' you say you wanter go?"
"To a haberdasher's."
"Yaas, suh; yaas, suh." After another block there was the sameperformance: "'Scuse me, boss, but whar d' you say you wanter go?"
"To a haberdasher's," was the somewhat impatient reply.
Then came the final appeal: "Now, look-a-here, boss, I be'n drivin'in dis town twenty year', an' I ain't never give nobody away yit. Now,you jes tell dis nigger whar't is you wanter go."
CONGRESS
"How is the law made?" asked the instructor in United States history.
"Oh," replied the maiden, cheerfully, "the Senate has to ratify it;and then the President has to--has to veto it; and then the Houseof Representatives has to"--she hesitated for a moment, and knit herpretty forehead.
"Oh, yes! I remember now," she said. "The House of Representatives hasto adjourn until the next session!"
"Has this bill been endorsed by the Prohibition party?"
"Yes."
"And met with the approval of the I.W.W. and the Bolsheviki?"
"Yes."
"And O.K.'d by Mr. Hearst?"
"Certainly."
"Then instruct Congress to pass it as another great measure restoringthe rights of the people."
CONSCIENCE
Wilson and Wilton were discussing the moralities when the first putthis question: "Well, what is conscience, anyhow?"
"Conscience," said Wilton, who prides himself upon being a bit of apessimist, "is the thing we always believe should bother the otherfellow."
A young fellow who was the crack sprinter of his town--somewhere inthe South--was unfortunate enough to have a very dilatory laundress.One evening, when he was out for a practice run in his rather airy andabbreviated track costume, he chanced to dash past the house of thatdusky lady, who at the time was a couple of weeks in arrears with hiswashing.
He had scarcely reached home again when the bell rang furiously and anexcited voice was wafted in from the porch:
"Foh de Lawd's sake! won't you-all tell Marse Bob please not to go outno moh till I kin git his clo'es round to him?"
Many a man feels that he could be quite comfortable if his consciencewould meet him halfway.
CONSCRIPTION
He was a homesick colored soldier in a labor battalion, and he saw nochance of a discharge.
"De nex' wah dey has," he announced to a friend, "dey's two men datain't goin'--me an' de man dey sends to git me."
A negro registrant from a farming district was called to service.Arriving in town, he found the local board had moved to anotherstreet. At the new address another negro languished in the doorway.
"Is dis whar de redemtion bo'd is at?" queried the newcomer.
"Sho' is," answered the second. "But de blessed redeemer done gone outfo' lunch."
Zeb Smith was a drafted man. He saw heavy fighting in France and waswounded. On his return to the United States he was interviewed by onewhose duty it was to interest himself in the men.
"Smith, what do you intend to do when you are released from theservice?"
"Get me some dependents," was the instantaneous reply.
The called-up one volubly explained that there was no need in his casefor a medical examination.
"I'm fit and I want to fight. I want to go over on the first boat.I want to go right into the front trenches, but I want to have ahospital close, so that if I get hit no time will be wasted in takingme where I can get mended right away, so that I can get back tofighting without losing a minute. Pass me in, doctor. Don't waste anytime on me. I want to fight, and keep fighting!"
The doctor, however, insisted, and, when he got through, reported aperfect physical specimen.
"You don't find nothing wrong with me, doctor?"
"Nothing."
"But, doctor, don't you think I'm a bit crazy?"
_See also_ Judgment.
CONSERVATIVES
_See_ Radicals.
/> CONSOLATION
FIRST WALL STREET BROKER--"Anything to do today?"
SECOND WALL STREET BROKER--"Certainly not."
"Come to a funeral with me. It will cheer you up a bit."--_Life_.
CONTENTMENT
Contentment is merely the knack of not wanting the things we know wecan't have.
Contentment consisteth not in adding more fuel, but in taking awaysome fire.--_Fuller_.
Contentment travels rarely with fortune; but follows virtue even inmisfortune.--_Leszczinski_.
To be content with what we possess is the greatest and most secure ofriches.--_Cicero_.
CONTRIBUTION BOX
"I can na' get ower it," a Scottish farmer remarked to his wife. "Iput a twa-shillin' piece in the plate at the kirk this morning insteado' ma usual penny."
The beadle had noticed the mistake, and in silence he allowed thefarmer to miss the plate for twenty-three consecutive Sundays.
On the twenty-fourth Sunday the farmer again ignored the plate, butthe old beadle stretched the ladle in front of him and, in a loud,tragic whisper, hoarsely said:
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