More Toasts

by Ernest Bramah

  In the course of his examination these questions were put to an oldnegro who was appearing as a witness:

  "What is your name?"

  "Calhoun Clay, sah."

  "Can you sign your name?"

  "Sah?"

  "I ask if you can write your name?"

  "Well, no, sah. Ab nebber writes mah name. Ah dictates it, sah."

  MAGISTRATE (to prisoner)--"What is your name?"

  PRISONER--"S-s-sam S-s-sissons, S-s-sir."

  MAGISTRATE--"Where do you live?"

  PRISONER--"S-s-seventy seven S-s-surrey street. S-s-sir."

  MAGISTRATE (to policeman)--"Officer, what is this man charged with?"

  OFFICER--"Begorry, yer honor. Oi think he must be charged with sodawather."

  In one of the Brooklyn courts a recent case required the testimony ofa young German immigrant.

  "Now, Britzmann," said the lawyer for the plaintiff, "what do you do?"

  "Ah vos pretty vell," replied the witness.

  "I am not inquiring as to your health. I want to know what you do."

  "Vork!"

  "Where do you work?" continued the counsel.

  "In a vactory."

  "What kind of a factory?"

  "It vos bretty big vactory?"

  "Your honor," said the lawyer, turning to the judge, "if this goes onwe'll need an interpreter." Then he turned to the witness again.

  "Now, Britzmann, what do you make in the factory?" he asked.

  "You vant to know vot I make in der vactory?"

  "Exactly! Tell us what you make."

  "Eight dollars a veek."

  Then the interpreter got a chance to earn his daily bread.

  "Uncle Joe Cannon was asked today what he thought of the outlook forthe Republican party in 1916, and he answered with a story.

  "A black man was arrested for horse-stealing while I wasprosecuting-attorney in Vermilion county," he said, "and was placedon trial after being duly indicted. When his day in court came hewas taken before the judge and I solemnly read the charge in theindictment to him.

  "'Are you guilty or not?' I asked.

  "The black man rolled uneasily in his chair. 'Well, boss,' he finallysaid, 'ain't dat the very thing we're about to try?'"

  JUDGE--"Officer, what's the matter with the prisoner--tell her to stopthat crying--she's been at it fifteen minutes" (more sobs).

  OFFICER--"Please, sir, I'm a'thinking she wants to be bailed out."

  _See also_ Jury; Witnesses.

  COURTSHIP

  If he is clean and vigorous, suitable for you and quite perfect inyour opinion; if he is the man you think he is and you want him, don'tput him on a pedestal and worship him as an idol.

  Be sensible. Wrap him around your little finger and get a ring on thenext.

  Mother was out, and Sister Sue was putting on her best blouse, sosix-year-old Bobby had to entertain Sue's young man. As is the waywith his kind, he began to ply the unfortunate caller with questions.

  "Mr. Brown," he began, "what is a popinjay?"

  "Why--er--a popinjay is a--eh--vain bird."

  "Are you a bird, Mr. Brown?"

  "No, of course not."

  "Well, that's funny. Mother said you were a popinjay, and father saidthere was no doubt about your being a jay, and Sue said there didn'tseem to be much chance of your poppin', and now you say you aren't abird at all."

  Courtship is a bowknot that matrimony pulls into a hard knot.

  IRATE PARENT--"No, siree. You can't have her. I won't have ason-in-law who has no more brains than to want to marry a girl withno more sense than my daughter has shown in allowing you to think youcould have her."--_Life_.

  _The Lover's Farewell_

  "Oh! fare you well, my dearest dear, Oh! fare you well for a while, I go away, but I'll come back again, If I go ten thousand miles."

  "But who will take me out," she sighed, "And who will glove my hands, And who will kiss my ruby lips When you are in foreign lands?"

  "Your brother will take you out," he said, "Your mother will glove your hands, And I will kiss your ruby lips When I return again."

  Will and Mary had been busy courting for over two years, meeting everynight in Hope Street, Glasgow. About a fortnight ago, Will, in partingwith his beloved, made the usual remark:

  "I'll meet ye in Hope Street tomorrow nicht. Mind and be punctual."

  "'Deed, aye, Will, lad," replied Meg, with a merry twinkle in her eye."We hae met noo a lang time in Hope Street, an' I was jist thinkin'that it was high time we were shiftin' oor trystin'-place a streetfarther along. Whit wad ye say to Union Street?"

  MAUDE--"What makes you think his intentions are serious?"

  MABEL--"When he first began to call he used to talk about the books Ilike to read."

  MAUDE--"And now?"

  MABEL--"Now he talks about the things he likes to eat."--_Life_.

  "Cheer up, old man! There's other fish in the sea."

  REJECTED SUITOR-"Yes, but the last one took all my bait!"--_Life_.

  NEIGHBOR--"Got much money in your bank, Bobby?"

  BOBBY--"Gee, no! The depositors have fallen off somethin' fierce sincesister got engaged."

  "So you want to marry my daughter, eh?" snorted the old man. "Do youconsider yourself financially able to do so?"

  "Well," replied the suitor, "after a fellow has bought candy andflowers for a girl for a year, and has taken her to the theater twicea week and is still not broke, I guess he can afford to get married."

  MR. GOODTHING--"How does your sister like the engagement ring I gaveher, Bobby?"

  HER YOUNG BROTHER--"Well, it's a little too small;--she has an awfulhard time getting it off when the other fellows call!"

  MR. SLOW (calling on girl)--"You seem rather--er--distant thisevening."

  GIRL--"Well, your chair isn't nailed to the floor, is it?"

  _See also_ Love; Proposals.

  CREDIT

  FIRST CREDIT MAN--"How about Jones of Pigville Center?"

  SECOND CREDIT MAN--"He always pays cash, so we don't know how honesthe is!"

  A little girl of eight entered a store in a small town and said:

  "I want some cloth to make my dolly a dress."

  The merchant selected some and handed the child the package.

  "How much is it?" she asked.

  "Just one kiss," was the reply.

  "All right," said the child as she turned to go, "grandma said to tellyou she would pay you when she came in tomorrow."

  "Them was nice folk you waited on, Mamie, ain't they?" "No, no, dear!Appearances is deceitful. They didn't have no charge-account. Paidcash for everything."--_Judge_.

  Mr. Butterworth, the grocer, was looking over the credit sales-slipsone day. Suddenly he called to the new clerk:

  "Did you give George Callahan credit?"

  "Sure," said the clerk. "I--"

  "Didn't I tell you to get a report on any and every man asking forcredit?"

  "Why, I did," retorted the clerk, who was an earnest young fellow."I did get a report. The agency said he owed money to every grocerin town, and, of course, if his credit was that good I knew that youwould like to have him open an account here!"

  A well-known wholesale merchant, who has a wide patronage throughoutthe Piedmont region of the South, received the following letter fromone of his customers a few weeks ago:

  "I receive your letter about what I owes you. Now be pachent. I ain'tforgot you and soon as folks pay me I'll pay you, but if this wasjudgment day and you were no more prepared to meet your Maker than Iam to meet your account then you sho going to hell."

  The credit, it may be noted, was extended.

  "Rufus, aren't you feeling well?"

  "No, sah; I'se not feelin' well, sah."

  "Have you consulted your doctor, Rufus?"

  "No, sah; I ain't don' dat, sah."

  "Why? Aren't you willing to trust your doctor, Rufus?"

  "Oh, yes, sah; but de trubble is he's no
t so alt'gether willin' totrus' me, sah."

  "My son," said old man Reddit, "Take this advice from me: The less you use your credit The better it will be."

  CRIME

  Lives of master crooks remind us We may do a bit of time, And, departing, leave behind us Thumb-prints in the charts of crime.--_Life_.

  Fear follows crime, and is its punishment.--_Voltaire_.

  Responsibility prevents crimes.--_Burke_.

  If poverty is the mother of crimes, want of sense is the father.--_LaBruyere_.

  But many a crime deemed innocent on earth Is registered in heaven; and these no doubt Have each their record, with a curse annex'd.

  --_Cowper_.

  CRITICISM

  A man must serve his time at ev'ry trade, Save censure; critics all are ready-made.

  --_Byron_.

  Damn with faint praise, assent with evil leer, And, without sneering, teach the rest to sneer: Willing to wound, and yet afraid to strike, Just hint a fault, and hesitate dislike.

  --_Pope_.

  THE ARTIST--"Dubbins, the art critic, has slated my picturesunmercifully."

  HIS FRIEND--"Oh, don't take any notice of that fellow; he has noideas of his own--he only repeats like a parrot what everybody else issaying."

  CULTURE

  JIGGS--"Townsen can read three languages."

  TRIGGS--"What are they?"

  JIGGS--"Magazines, sporting pages and railroad time-tables."

  HE--"Not quite a lady, is she?"

  SHE--"No--but I should say her pearls are 'cultured,'"

  That is true cultivation which gives us sympathy with every formof human life, and enables us to work most successfully for itsadvancement.--_Beecher_.

  CURES

  _A Testimonial_

  DOCTOR--"Did that cure for deafness really help your brother?"

  PAT--"Sure enough; he hadn't heard a sound for years and the day afterhe took that medicine, he heard from a friend in America."

  CURIOSITY

  "My wife is mourning the loss of a ten-thousand-dollar diamondnecklace."

  "Why don't you advertise a thousand reward and no questions asked?"

  "Well, I could make good on the thousand, but I doubt my wife'sability to fulfill the rest of that contract."

  William E. Weber of the First National Bank says a woman came up tohis window the other day with a cashier's check for fifty dollars.

  "What denomination," asked Mr. Weber in his pleasantest manner.

  "Lutheran," replied the woman. "What are you?"

  CURRENT EVENTS

  MRS. BARR--"Henry, what are current events?"

  MR. BARR--"Anything shocking, my dear"--_Life_.

  CUSTOM

  Foote, the comedian, dined one day at a country inn, and the landlordasked how he liked his fare.

  "I have dined as well as any man in England," said Foote.

  "Except the mayor," cried the landlord.

  "I except nobody," said he.

  "But you must!" screamed the host.

  "I won't!"

  "You must!"

  At length a petty magistrate took Foote before the mayor, who observedthat it had been customary in that town for a great number of yearsalways to "except the mayor," and accordingly fined him a shilling fornot conforming to ancient custom. Upon this decision, Foote paid theshilling, at the same time observing that he thought the landlord thegreatest fool in Christendom--except the mayor.

  To follow foolish precedents, and wink With both our eyes, is easier than to think.

  --_Cowper_.

  Custom does often reason overrule, And only serves for reason to the fool.

  --_Rochester_.

  DACHSHUNDS

  An Englishman sat at a New York boarding-house table. One of theboarders was telling a story in which a "dachshund" figured. She wasunable for a moment to think of the word.

  "It was one of these--what do you call them?--one of these long Germandogs."

  The Englishman dropped his fork: his face beamed. "Frankfurters!"

  DAMAGES

  The conversation turned to the subject of damage-suits, and thisanecdote was recalled by Senator George Sutherland, of Utah.

  A man in a Western town was hurt in a railroad accident, and afterbeing confined to his home for several weeks he appeared on the streetwalking with the aid of crutches.

  "Hello, old fellow," greeted an acquaintance, rushing up to shake hishand. "I am certainly glad to see you around again."

  "Thanks," responded the injured one. "I am glad to be around again."

  "I see you are hanging fast to your crutches," observed theacquaintance. "Can't you do without them?"

  "My doctor says I can," answered the injured party, "but my lawyersays I can't."

  "I have come here," said the angry man to the superintendent of thestreet-car line, "to get justice; justice, sir. Yesterday, as my wifewas getting off one of your cars, the conductor stept on her dress andtore a yard of frilling off the skirt."

  The superintendent remained cool.

  "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know that we are to blame for that.What do you expect us to do? Get her a new dress?"

  "No, sir. I do not intend to let you off so easily as that," the otherman replied gruffly. He brandished in his right hand a small piece ofsilk.

  "What I propose to have you do," he said, "is to match this silk."

  DANCING

  The minister was dining with the Fullers and he was denouncing thenew styles in dancing. Turning to the daughter of the house, he askedsternly:

  "Do you yourself, Miss Fuller, think the girls who dance these dancesare right?"

  "They must be," was the answer, "because I notice the girls who don'tdance them are always left."

  DAYLIGHT SAVING

  "Is your husband in favor of daylight saving?"

  "I think so. He stays out so much at night that I think he'd reallyprefer not to use any daylight at all."

  Young Hopeful, who lives in the suburbs, was very much interested inthe adjustment of the time, and on the morning when the clocks hadbeen set back an hour awoke his mother.

  "Mother, mother," he called from his little bed, "listen to Mrs.Jones' chickens! They must have forgotten to tell them to set theircrow back."

  "Well, yes," admitted Gap Johnson, of Rumpus Ridge, Ark., "I've heerdsomething or nuther about setting the clock for'ards or bac'ards forsome reason. I don't prezisely know what. But it don't make no specialdifference at our house one way or tother for the clock runs aboutas it pleases till some of us sorter climb up and set it b'guess andb'gosh as you might say. And if we save or lose an hour or two what'sthe odds? We've got all the time there is anyway."

  Geordie Ryton, the village cobbler, bought two clocks, one agrandfather's. He put it in a corner and placed a small nickel clockon the mantel-shelf. The grandfather's clock has not been altered tothe Daylight Saving Bill's requirements. "Hoo is't, Geordie," askeda customer, "ye've altered the smaal clock and not the gran'faither'sclock?"

  "Wey," replied Geordie, "they said the gran'faither's clock's beentellin' the truth for ower sixty year, an' Aa can't find it in meheart te make a liar ov it noo. But the little begger wes made inJarmany, so it'll be aal reet, he's as reet as can be for that job."

  "What is worrying you now?"

  "Oh, nothing much," replied the man who is perpetually pensive. "Iam merely trying to figure out what has become of all the daylight Isaved since we set the clocks forward."

  "Jonas," ordered the farmer, "all the clocks in the house have rundown. Wish you'd hitch up and ride down to the junction and find outwhat time it is."

  "I ain't got a watch. Will you lend me one?"

  "Watch! Watch! What d'ye want a watch fer? Write it down on a piece ofpaper."

  DEAD BEATS

  _See_ Bills; Collecting of accounts.

  DEBTS

  CREDITOR--"You couldn't go around in your fine automobile if you paidyour debts."

/>   DEBTOR--"That's so! I'm glad you look at it in the same light that Ido."

  HARDUPPE--"I really must apologize for looking so shabby."

  FLUBDUBB--"Oh, clothes don't make the man."

  HARDUPPE--"Still, many a man owes a lot to his tailor."

  "Look 'ere--I asks yer for the last time for that 'arf-dollar yer owesme."

  "Thank 'evins!--that's the end of a silly question."

  A floating debt is a poor life saver.

  "Yes," said the world traveler, "the Chinese make it an invariablerule to settle all their debts on New-year's day."

  "So I understand," said the American host, "but, then, the Chinesedon't have a Christmas the week before."

  OKE--"Would you be satisfied if you had all the money you wanted?"

  OWENS--"I'd be satisfied if I had all the money my creditors wanted."

  MR. THURSDAY--"Our friend, Dodge, tells me that he is doing settlementwork lately."

  MR. FRIDAY--"Yes, his creditors finally cornered him."

  "How did Cranbury ever manage to get so deeply in debt as he is?"

  "I wish I knew. I can't even stand my grocer off for more than a weekat a time."