More Toasts

by Ernest Bramah

  "No!"

  "Then congratulate me for not having a disposition like yours."

  "Have you heard my last joke?" asked the Pest, as he stopped theGrouch on the street.

  "I hope so," replied the Grouch, as he kept on traveling.

  "Why is it, Bob," asked George of a very stout friend, "that you fatfellows are always good natured?"

  "We have to be," answered Bob. "You see, we can't either fight orrun."

  "What a cheerful woman Mrs. Smiley is!"

  "Isn't she? Why, do you know, that woman can have a good time thinkingwhat a good time she would have if she were having it."

  DISTANCES

  The German officer who confiscated a map of Cripple Creek belongingto an American traveler, and remarked that "the German Army might getthere some time," should be classed with the London banker who saidto a solicitous mother seeking to send cash to San Antonio, Texas, forher wandering son: "We haven't any correspondent in San Antonio, butI'll give you a draft on New York, and he can ride in and cash it anyfine afternoon."

  At Sadieville, Ky., a tourist called to an old colored man: "Heyuncle! How far is it to Lexington?"

  "I don't know, suh; hit used to be 'bout twenty-five mile, butev'ything's gone up so I speck hit's 'bout fohty now, suh."

  "Where do you live in the city--close in?"

  "Fairly so--thirty minutes on foot, fifteen by motor-car, twenty-fiveby street-car, and forty-five by telephone."

  DIVORCE

  "Binks has married again."

  "I knew he didn't deserve that divorce!"

  At the present terrific rate of divorce cases, we shall soon need anew reference-book--"Who's Whose."

  SOLICITOR (whose client is thinking of getting a divorce)--"Well,you can get it for about twenty pounds; everything done quietly and nopublicity."

  CLIENT--"And how much will the real thing cost, with lots of publicityand everything?"

  WIFE (trying to think of The Hague)--"Let's see, what is the name ofthe place where so much was done toward promoting peace in the world?"

  HUB--"Reno, my dear."

  "And are the divorce laws so very liberal in your section?"

  "Liberal? Say! They are so liberal that nobody ever heard of a womancrying at a wedding out there."

  A divorce suit would not appeal so much to a jury if it was cleanedbefore it was pressed.

  "What are you cutting out of the paper?"

  "An item about a California man securing a divorce because his wifewent through his pockets."

  "What are you going to do with it?"

  "Put it in my pocket."--_Everybody's_.

  "Scotsman, married, desires change."--_Weekly Paper_.

  We ought to warn him that the Divorce Court is very congested justnow.

  To matrimonial speedsters, divorce is just a detour.

  DOCTORS

  "What is your greatest wish, Doctor, now that you have successfullypassed for your degree?"

  YOUNG DOCTOR--"To put 'Dr.' before my own name, and 'Dr.' after thename of other people."--_Life_.

  "Who is your family doctor?"

  "I can't tell you."

  "Why not? Don't you know his name?"

  "Yes. Dr. Johnson used to be our family doctor but nowadays mothergoes to an eye specialist; father to a stomach specialist; my sistergoes to a throat specialist; my brother is in the care of a lungspecialist, and I'm taking treatments from an osteopath."

  A young suburban doctor whose practice was not very great sat in hisstudy reading away a lazy afternoon in early summer. His man servantappeared at the door.

  "Doctor, them boys is stealin' your green peaches again. Shall I chasethem away?"

  The doctor looked thoughtful for a moment, then leveled his eyes atthe servant.

  "No," he said.

  Once an old darky visited a doctor and was given definite instructionsas to what he should do. Shaking his head he started to leave theoffice, when the doctor said:

  "Here, Rastus, you forgot to pay me."

  "Pay yo for what, boss?"

  "For my advice," replied the doctor.

  "Naw, suh; naw, suh; I ain't gwine take it," and Rastus shuffled out.

  M.D.--"Would you have the price if I said you needed an operation?"

  MANNING--"Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn'thave the price?"--_Life_.

  "How do you pronounce 'pneumonia'?" asked the French boy, who had cometo England to learn the language.

  His only chum told him.

  "That's odd," replied the young Gaul. "It says in this story I amreading that the doctor pronounced it fatal."

  Mr. Roger W. Babson says that in looking up appendicitis cases helearned that in 17 per cent. of the operations for that disease thepost-mortem examinations showed that the appendix was in perfectcondition.

  "The whole subject," he adds, "reminds me of a true story I heard inLondon recently. In the hospitals there, the ailment of the patient,when he is admitted, is denoted by certain letters, such as 'T. B.'for tuberculosis. An American doctor was examining these history slipswhen his curiosity was aroused by the number on which the letters'G.O.K.' appeared. He said to the physician who was showing himaround:

  "'There seems to be a severe epidemic of this G.O.K. in London. Whatis it, anyhow?'

  "Oh, that means 'God only knows,'" replied the English physician.

  The fashionable physician walked in, in his breezy way, and noddedsmilingly at his patient.

  "Well, here I am, Mrs. Adams," he announced. "What do you think is thematter with you this morning?"

  "Doctor, I hardly know," murmured the fashionable patient languidly."What is new?"

  "When I was a boy," said the gray-haired physician, who happened tobe in a reminiscent mood, "I wanted to be a soldier; but my parentspersuaded me to study medicine."

  "Oh, well," rejoined the sympathetic druggist, "such is life. Many aman with wholesale aspirations has to content himself with a retailbusiness."

  The eminent physicians had been called in consultation. They hadretired to another room to discuss the patient's condition. In thecloset of that room a small boy had been concealed by the patient'sdirections to listen to what the consultation decided and to tell thepatient who desired genuine information.

  "Well, Jimmy," said the patient, when the boy came to report, "whatdid they say?"

  "I couldn't tell you that," said the boy. "I listened as hard as Icould, but they used such big words I couldn't remember much of it.All I could catch was when one doctor said:

  "'Well, we'll find that out at the autopsy.'"

  YOUNG WOMAN (to be neighbor at dinner)--"Guess whom I met today,doctor?"

  DOCTOR--"I'm afraid I'm not a good guesser."

  "You're too modest. Aren't you at the top of yourprofession?"--_Life_.

  DOCTOR--"My dear sir, it's a good thing you came to me when you did."

  "Why, Doc? Are you broke?"--_Life_.

  "It's a little hard for young doctors to get a start."

  "I know. I'm raising whiskers."

  "They will help. And I'll loan you some of my magazines for 1876 toput in your anteroom."

  PATIENT--"I want to see doctor. Be this the place?"

  DOCTOR--"This is where I practice."

  PATIENT--"Don't want no person for to practice on me; I want a doctorfor to cure me."

  FRIEND--"To what do you attribute your rapid rise in your profession?"

  SURGEON--"It has been my rule all along never to perform an operationunless I was sure it would be a success either way."

  A doctor who had a custom of cultivating the lawn and walk in front ofhis home every spring engaged O'Brien to do the job. He went away forthree days and when he returned found O'Brien waiting for his money.The doctor was not satisfied with his work and said: "O'Brien, thewalk is covered with gravel and dirt, and in my estimation it's a badjob."

  O'Brien looked at him in surprise for a moment and replied: "Shure,Doc, there's many a bad job of yours covered wi
th gravel and dirt."

  "You say this doctor has a large practice?"

  "It's so large that when a patient has nothing the matter with him hetells him so."

  _Why She Objected_

  An old woman's son was seriously ill and the attending surgeon advisedan operation. But the mother bitterly objected.

  "I don't believe in operations!" she exclaimed. "Even the Scripturesis agin it. Don't the Bible say plain and flat: 'What God hath j'inedtogither, let not man put asunder'?"

  REDD--"The doctor said he'd have me on my feet in a fortnight."

  GREENE--"And did he?"

  "Sure. I've had to sell my automobile."

  SPECIALIST--"You are suffering from nerve exhaustion. I can cure youfor the small sum of $2,000."

  PATIENT--"And will my nerve be as good as yours then?"

  In a confidential little talk to a group of medical students aneminent physician took up the extremely important matter of correctdiagnosis of the maximum fee.

  "The best rewards," he said, "come, of course, to the establishedspecialist. For instance, I charge twenty-five dollars a call at theresidence, ten dollars for an office consultation, and five dollarsfor a telephone consultation."

  There was an appreciative and envious silence, and then a voice fromthe back of the theater, slightly thickened, spoke:

  "Doc," it asked, "how much do you charge a fellow for passing you onthe street?"

  An insurance agent was filling out an application blank.

  "Have you ever had appendicitis?" he asked.

  "Well," answered the applicant, "I was operated on but I havenever felt quite sure whether it was appendicitis or professionalcuriosity."

  "Oh, doctor, I have sent for you, certainly; still, I must confessthat I have not the slightest faith in modern medical science."

  "Well," said the doctor, "that doesn't matter in the least. You see, amule has no faith in the veterinary surgeon, and yet he cures him allthe same."

  _A Great Difference_

  A noted physician, particularly expeditious in examining andprescribing for his patients, was sought out by an army man whomhe "polished off" in almost less than no time. As the patient wasleaving, he shook hands heartily with the doctor and said:

  "I am especially glad to have met you, as I have often heard myfather, Colonel Blank, speak of you."

  "What!" exclaimed the physician, "are you old Tom's son?"

  "Certainly."

  "My dear fellow," cried the doctor, "fling that infernal prescriptionin the fire and sit down and tell me what is the matter with you."

  "Father, what is a convalescent?"

  "A patient who is still alive, son."

  Young M.D.--"Well, Dad, I'm hanging out my shingle; can't you give mesome rules for success?"

  "Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills veryplainly."

  MOTHER (after visitor had gone)--"Bobby, what on earth made you stickout your tongue at our pastor? Oh, dear!..."

  BOBBY--"Why, muvver, I just showed it to him. He said, 'Littul man,how do you feel?'--and I thort he was a doctor!"

  An Irishman coming out of ether in the ward after an operation,exclaimed audibly: "Thank God! That's over!" "Don't be too sure," saidthe man in the next bed, "they left a sponge in me and had to cut meopen again." And the patient on the other side said, "Why they had toopen me, too, to find one of their instruments." Just then the surgeonwho had operated on the Irishman, stuck his head in the door andyelled, "Has anybody seen my hat!" Pat fainted.

  Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in orderto reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton'smisconduct as to draw from him this expression: "Sir, I thought youwould have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I havecovered so many blunders of yours!"

  DOCTOR (to patient)--"You've had a pretty close call. It's only yourstrong constitution that pulled you through."

  PATIENT--"Well, doctor, remember that when you make out your bill."

  A quack doctor was holding forth about his "medicines" to a ruralaudience.

  "Yes, gentlemen," he said, "I have sold these pills for overtwenty-five years and never heard a word of complaint. Now, what doesthat prove?"

  From a voice in the crowd came: "That dead men tell no tales."

  _See also_ Bills; Remedies.

  DOGS

  _My Dog_

  He wastes no time in idle talk. His vows of friendship are unspoken. As in familiar ways we walk, Our musings by no word are broken. Or if, perchance, I voice some phrase (More light and garrulous am I), He answers with a speaking gaze, Half-sister to a song or sigh.

  Sweet is the silence of a friend Whose mood so merges with my own, And sad would be the journey's end Were I to pass this way alone. Perhaps the shadows and the dust Some faint reply would frame for me Should I demand if Time were just To merge all waters with the sea.

  Thus pondering, a sigh I heave That thoughts my naked soul should flay. Yet dreams of death he bids me leave, And glory in the living day. Before me in the path he leaps. He reads my mood, and bids me, "Come! Sweet Summer's in the wooded deeps!" And yet men say that he is dumb.

  --_Jack Burroughs_.

  Frederick was sitting on the curb, crying, when Billy came along andasked him what was the matter.

  "Oh, I feel so bad 'cause Major's dead--my nice old collie!" sobbedFrederick.

  "Shucks!" said Billy. "My grandmother's been dead a week, and youdon't catch me crying."

  Frederick gave his eyes and nose a swipe with his hand, and, lookingup at Billy, sobbed, despairingly:

  "Yes, but you didn't raise your grandmother from a pup."

  _Dogs and their Friends._ _(The Greeting)_

  A thousand velvet eyes aglow with thanks, A thousand tiny paws in welcome waved, An orchestra of barks and neighs and purrs Struck up, and maddest gayety betrayed! Each satin nose will press its owner's hand, Such happiness and frolic will abound When Anti-Cruelty meets all its friends At last, within their Happy Hunting Ground!

  --_Marie Bordeaux_.

  Dogs will be dogs. They also serve who only watch at night and bark. Tis better to have loved a dog than never to have loved at all. A little battle now and then is relished by the best of dogs. Hell hath no fury like an angered bulldog. For a dog, all roads lead home. Bark and the whole neighborhood barks with you; hide and you hide alone. Dogs should be trained but not hurt. A buried bone is a joy forever. Fidelity, thy name is Fido. --_Edmund J. Kiefer_.

  A friend may smile and bid you hail, Yet wish you with the devil; But when a good dog wags his tail, You know he's on the level.

  _The Seven Wonders of the World._ (_According to Fido_)

  His master. Meat. Children. Rags. The moon. Being tickled. Fleas.

  He was a very small boy. Paddy was his dog, and Paddy was nearer tohis heart than anything on earth. When Paddy met swift and hideousdeath on the turnpike road the boy's mother trembled to break thenews. But it had to be, and when he came home from school she told himsimply:

  "Paddy has been run over and killed."

  He took it very quietly. All day it was the same. But five minutesafter he had gone to bed there echoed through the house a shrill andsudden lamentation. His mother rushed upstairs with solicitude andpity.

  "Nurse says," he sobbed, "that Paddy has been run over and killed."

  "But, dear, I told you that at dinner, and you didn't seem to betroubled at all."

  "No; but--but I didn't know you said Paddy. I--I thought you saiddaddy!"

  PUP--"Great cats; That's a nerve! Somebody has put up a building rightwhere I buried a bone!"--_Puck_.

  _See also_ Dachshunds.

  DOMESTIC FINANCE

 
LITTLE TOMMY--"What does 'close quarters' mean, Ma?"

  WEARY MOTHER--"It's a definition of my trying to get twenty-five centsfrom your father."

  "Ma, what does the 'home-stretch' mean?"

  "Making a fifteen-dollar-a-week allowance go around, my son."

  WIFE--"Ta-ta, dearie; I'll write before the end of the week."

  HUSBAND--"Good gracious, Alice, you must make that check last longerthan that!"

  "Dearie," said the young married man, "I have to go to New York onbusiness. It will only take a day or so and I hope you won't miss metoo much while I'm gone, but--"

  "I won't," answered his young wife, positively, "because I'm goingwith you."

  "I wish you could, dear, but it won't be convenient this time. Whatwould you want to go for, anyhow? I'm going to be too busy to be withyou, and--"

  "I have to go. I need clothes."

  "But, darling--you can get all the clothes you want right here onEuclid Avenue."

  "Thank you. That's all I wanted."

  "I'm just waiting for my husband to complain about my extravagancethis month."

  "Ready to give him an argument, eh?"

  "You bet I am. By mistake his golf-club checks came to the house, andI've got 'em."

  "You are not economical," said the infuriated husband.

  "Well," flashed his wife, "if you don't call a woman economical whosaves her wedding dress for a possible second marriage, I'd love toknow just what you do call economy."