More Toasts

by Ernest Bramah

  "Doctor," she inquired of a country physician, "can you tell me how itis that some folks be born dumb?"

  "Why--hem!--why, certainly, ma'am," replied the doctor. "It is becausethey come into the world without power of speech."

  "Dear me," remarked the woman, "just see what it is to have a physicaledication! I'm right glad I axed you. I've axed my old man a hundredtimes that there same question, and all he would ever say was, 'Causethey be.'"

  PROFESSOR--"So, sir, you said that I was a learned jackass, did you?"

  FRESHIE--"No, sir, I merely remarked that you were a burro ofinformation."

  EFFICIENCY

  After many trials and tribulations Mrs. Timson had managed to get a"maid" of sorts.

  "Now, Thurza," said she, "be careful about the water. We only use thewell water for drinking, as we have to pay a man to pump it. The rainwater is good enough for washing up and so on."

  After tea Mrs. Timson asked:

  "Did you remember about the water, Thurza?"

  "Oh, yes, mum!" said Thurza. "I filled the kettle half full of waterfrom the butt and the other half with water from the well. I thoughtthe bottom half might as well be getting hot at the same time forwashing up after tea."

  An elderly rancher took some fine Kentucky horses to the West inthe early sixties. He was proud of them, and justly so. The oldgentleman's son had once seen a teamster lock one of his wagon-wheelsin going down a declivity. This precaution appealed to the youngfellow's idea of "safety first." He duly reported the occurrence tohis father, and begged him to get a, lock-chain.

  "My son," said the old gentleman, "if I ever send you out with a teamthat can't outrun the wagon, let 'em go to hell."

  SOLICITOR (to business man absorbed in detail)--"I have here a mostmarvelous system of efficiency, condensed into one small volume. Itwill save you fully 50 per cent of your time, and so--"

  BUSINESS MAN (interrupting irritably)--"I already have a system bywhich I can save 100 per cent of my time and yours. I'll demonstrateit now--Good-day!"

  The hours I spend at work, dear heart Are as arithmetic to me; I count my motions every one apart-- Efficiency.

  Each hour a task, each task a test, Until my heart with doubt is wrung; I conservate my darndest, but at best The boss is stung.

  O theories that twist and turn! O frantic gain and laggard loss! I'll standardize and stint at last to learn

  To please the boss By gum! To please the boss.

  "But," he adds, "as in everything else, there are exceptions. Therewas Boggins, for instance. Boggins was a great efficiency man in theoffice, but even more so at home. Why, every time Boggins Junior wasnaughty his father laid him on the floor and spread a rug over him,so that the beating would kill two birds with one stone, as you mightsay."

  A worm won't turn if you step on it right.

  Efficiency is an admirable quality, but it can be overdone, accordingto Representative M. Clyde Kelly, of Pennsylvania.

  "Last election day," Mr. Kelly explains, "the city editor of mynewspaper in Braddock sent his best reporter out to learn if thesaloons were open in defiance of the law. Four days later he returnedand reported, 'They were.'"

  "Sambo, I don't understand how you can do all your work so quickly,and so well."

  "I'll tell yuh how 'tis, boss. I sticks de match ob enthusiasm to defuse ob yenergy--and jes natchurally explodes, I does."

  "Don't be so long-winded in your reports as you have been in thepast," said the manager of the "Wild West" railway to his overseer."Just report the condition of the track as ye find it, and don't putin a lot of needless words that ain't to the point. Write a businessletter, not a love-letter."

  A few days later the railway line was badly flooded, and the overseerwrote his report to the manager in one line: "Sir--Where the railwaywas the river is.--Yours faithfully,----."

  In Montana a railway-bridge had been destroyed by fire, and it wasnecessary to replace it. The bridge-engineer and his staff wereordered in haste to the place. Two days later came the superintendentof the division. Alighting from his private car, he encountered theold master bridge-builder.

  "Bill," said the superintendent--and the words quivered withenergy--"I want this job rushed. Every hour's delay costs the companymoney. Have you got the engineer's plans for the new bridge?"

  "I don't know," said the bridge-builder, "whether the engineer hasthe picture drawed yet or not, but the bridge is up and the trains ispassin' over it."--_Harper's_.

  "Better consider my course in efficiency training. I can show you howto earn more money than you are getting."

  "I do that now."

  The boy was very small and the load he was pushing in the wheelbarrowwas very, very big.

  A benevolent old gentleman, putting down his bundles, lent him ahelping hand.

  "Really, my boy," he puffed, "I don't see how you manage to get thatbarrow up the gutters alone."

  "I don't," replied the appreciative kid. "Dere's always some jaya-standin' round as takes it up for me."--_Puck_.

  MRS. CASEY--"Me sister writes me that every bottle in that box we senther was broken. Are you sure yez printed 'This side up, with care' onit!"

  CASEY--"Oi am. An' for fear they shouldn't see it on the top, Oiprinted it on the bottom, as well."

  COW--"Can you beat it? There's so much system around here now thatthey file me in the barn under the letter C."

  HEN--"Yes, I have my troubles with efficiency too. They've put arubber stamp in my nest so I can date my eggs two weeks ahead."

  EGOTISM

  SMITH--"You seldom see such beautiful golf as that man plays. Hisdrives were corking, his approaches superb and he never missed aputt."

  JONES--"How much were you beaten by?"

  SMITH--"Why, I won!"

  _"I" and "Myself" and "Me"_

  When on myself I sometimes turn My gaze, with introspection stern, Three persons there I seem to see, "I" and "Myself," they are, and "Me."

  "I" stands alone with confidence, Pugnacious, quick to take offense, Assertive, masterful and strong, Forever right and _never_ wrong, As Lewis Carroll once avowed, "I" is extremely "stiff and proud."

  "Myself" is rather different, A chap who is less confident, Yet full conceited--selfish, too, And steeped in ego, through and through. Though others oft "Myself" decry, He's very, very dear to "I."

  Unlike the other two is "Me"; A timid little fellow, he; Self-conscious, given oft to erring, My scorn and pity both incurring. Still, though he's shy as he can be, While few like "I," a lot like "Me."

  --_Eliot Harlow Robinson_.

  Many a man thinks he is anxious to please others, when the truth isthat he is only anxious that others be pleased with what he does.

  _I And Me_

  I wonder just what kind of guy Am I? I guess it's time I took A look inside of me To see-- But, gee, I cuss I'm envious of what the other fellow's got, I loaf a lot, And foolish pleasures often buy-- That is the kind of sham I am. When things go wrong I growl along And take it out On some good scout Who's not to blame, Whatever came-- In fact The luck I lacked (Or luck I had, If mine was bad) Was mostly my Own fault. Why. I Am not a very pleasant guy, The poorest on the human shelf-- And, now that I Size up myself, Whatever other folks may see, I do not make a hit with Me.

  --_Douglas Malloch_.

  EINSTEIN

  "Max has sent me an interesting book, 'Relativity,' by Einstein. Haveyou read it?"

  "No. I am waiting for it to be filmed."

  EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS

  The wife of a Dorchester man who had the traditional failing--heforgot to mail letters--has cured him. The mail is delivered at theirhome before the breakfast hour--which is comparatively late. Onemorning she said to her husband:

  "Did you have any mail this morning, dear?"

  "Only a circular," he answered as he bit into a fine
brown slice oftoast.

  "Huh," said the wife. "By the way, did you mail the letters I gave youyesterday?"

  "Sure I did," was the righteously indignant reply.

  "Well," answered wifie, with an eloquent smile, "it's funny, then, youhad no letters this morning, because one of those I gave you to mailwas addressed to you--just as a sort of key."

  Callers were at the door and Bobbie was told to show them into theparlor. He did so, and while his mother was fixing herself up, hesat there rather embarrassed. Presently, seeing the visitors glancingaround the room, he said:

  "Well, what do you think of our stuff, anyway?"

  KIND FRIEND (to composer who has just played his newly written _revue_masterpiece)--"Yes, I've always liked that little thing. Now play oneof your own, won't you?"

  Evelyn is very cowardly, and her father decided to have a serious talkwith his little daughter.

  "Father," she said at the close of his lecture, "when you see a cow,ain't you 'fraid?"

  "No, certainly not, Evelyn."

  "When you see a bumblebee, ain't you 'fraid?"

  "No!" with scorn.

  "Ain't you 'fraid when it thunders?"

  "No," with laughter. "Oh, you silly, silly child!"

  "Papa," said Evelyn, solemnly, "ain't you 'fraid of nothing in theworld but mama?"

  Afraid to breathe, almost, the returned reveller crept quietly intohis bedchamber as the gray dawn was breaking. Sitting on the edge ofthe bed, he cautiously undid his boots. But, with all his care, hiswife stirred in bed, and he presently was all too well aware of a pairof sleepy eyes regarding him over the edge of the sheet.

  "Why, Tom," yawned the little woman, "how early you are this morning!"

  "Yes, my dear," replied Tom, stifling a groan, "I've got to go toMontreal for the firm today."

  And replacing his footgear the wretched man dragged his aching limbsout again into the cold and heartless streets.

  A philanthropic New York woman was entertaining, in the spaciousgrounds of her suburban residence, a large number of East-Sidechildren. On her rounds of hospitality she was impressed with onestrikingly beautiful little girl. She could not have been more thannine years old, but her coal-black eyes flashed with intelligence. Thehostess introduced herself and began a conversation.

  "Does what you see here today please you?" she asked. The child eyedher host in silence.

  "Talk away," said the lady. "Don't be afraid."

  "Tell me," then said the child, "how many children have you got?"

  Astonished at the question, the lady hesitated for a moment, and thenentered into the fun of the situation.

  "Ten," she replied.

  "Dear me," answered the child, "that is a very large family, I hopeyou are careful and look after them. Do you keep them all clean?"

  "Well, I do my best."

  "And is your husband at work?"

  "My husband does not do any kind of work. He never has."

  "That is very dreadful," replied the little girl earnestly, "but Ihope you keep out of debt."

  The game had gone too far for Lady Bountiful's enjoyment of it.

  "You are a very rude and impertinent child," she burst out, "to speaklike that, and to me."

  The child became apologetic. "I'm sure I didn't mean to be, ma'am,"she explained. "But mother told me before I came that I was to besure to speak to you like a lady, and when any ladies call on us, theyalways ask us those questions."

  A gentleman who had married his cook was giving a dinner party andbetween the courses the good lady sat with her hands spread on thetablecloth.

  Suddenly the burr of conversation ceased and in the silence thatfollowed a young man on the right of his hostess said, pleasantly:

  "Awful pause!"

  "Yes, they may be," said the old-time cook, with heightened color;"and yours would be like them if you had done half my work."

  His relatives telephoned to the nearest florist's. The ribbon must beextra wide, with "Rest in Peace" on both sides, and if there was room,"We Shall Meet in Heaven."

  The florist was away and his new assistant handled the job. There wasa sensation when the flowers turned up at the funeral. The ribbon wasextra wide, indeed, and on it was the inscription:

  "Rest in peace on both sides, and, if there is room, we shall meet inheaven."

  _See also_ Bluffing.

  EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES

  _An Employer's Dream_

  An Employee, Dynamic, but not variable. Tall--of excellent personality. Aggressive--but tactful. Sales type--but with a liking for detail. Vision--looking ahead and discounting the future. Loyal--always having the interest of his employer at heart. Creative--but appreciating values--initiative balanced with caution, forseeing his employer's wishes and ideas. Serious thinker--sunny disposition, looking ahead but mastering first the work on hand. Interested in his salary--only as incidental--willing to leave that to the discretion of those above him. Character--excellent, not a clock watcher--interested only in results, working night and day if necessary to secure his success. Honest--clear thinking--hard-working--looking ahead fearlessly--with his eyes on the future, putting everything else second to his work--with supreme, sound confidence in his own ability-- Ah! Shucks--It's Impossible.

  EMPLOYER (to clerk)--"If that bore, Smithers, comes in, tell him I'mout--and don't be working or he'll know you're lying."

  _The Ten Commandments_ (_By A Wise Employer_)

  First--Don't lie. It wastes my time and yours. I am sure to catch youin the end, and that will be the wrong end.

  Second--Watch your work, not the clock. A long day's work makes a longday short, and a short day's work makes my face long.

  Third--Give me more than I expect, and I will give you more than youexpect. I can afford to increase your pay if you increase my profits.

  Fourth--You owe so much to yourself you cannot afford to owe anybodyelse. Keep out of debt.

  Fifth--Dishonesty is never an accident. Good men, like good women,never see temptation when they meet it.

  Sixth--Mind your own business, and in time you'll have a business ofyour own to mind.

  Seventh--Don't do anything here which hurts your self-respect. Anemployee who is willing to steal for me is willing to steal from me.

  Eighth--It is none of my business what you do at night. But ifdissipation affects what you do the next day, and you do half as muchas I demand, you'll last half as long as you hoped.

  Ninth--Don't tell me what I'll like to hear, but what I ought to hear.I don't want a valet for my pride, but one for my purse.

  Tenth--Don't kick if I kick. If you're worth while correcting, you'reworth while keeping. I don't waste time cutting specks out of rottenapples.

  --_The Rotarian_.

  One of the bosses at Baldwin's Locomotive Works had to lay off anargumentative Irishman named Pat, so he saved discussion by puttingthe discharge in writing. The next day Pat was missing, but a weeklater the boss was passing through the shop and he saw him again athis lathe. Then, the following colloquy occurred:

  "Didn't you get my letter?"

  "Yis, sur, Oi did," said Pat.

  "Did you read it?"

  "Sure, sur, Oi read it inside and Oi read it outside," said Pat,"and on the inside yez said I was fired and on the outside yez said:'Return to Baldwin Locomotive Works in five days.'"

  "Well, George," said the president of the company to old George, "howgoes it?"

  "Fair to middlin', sir," George answered. And he continued tocurrycomb a bay horse.

  "Me an' this here boss," George said, suddenly, "has worked for yourfirm sixteen year."

  "Well, well," said the president, thinking a little guiltily ofGeorge's salary. "And I suppose you are both pretty highly valued,George, eh?"

  "H'm," said George, "the both of us was took sick last week, and theygot a doctor for the hoss, but they just docked my pay."

  A plumber and a painter were wor
king in the same house. The painterarrived late and the plumber said to him, "You're late this morning."

  "Yes," said the painter, "I had to stop and have my hair cut."

  "You didn't do it on your employer's time, did you?" said the plumber.

  "Sure, I did," said the painter; "It grew on his time."

  POSSIBLE EMPLOYER--"H'm! so you want a job, eh? Do you ever telllies?"

  APPLICANT--"No, sir, but I kin learn."

  A man named Dodgin was recently appointed foreman at the gas works,but his name was not known to all the employees. One day while onhis rounds he came across two men sitting in a corner, smoking, andstopped near them.

  "Who are you?" said one of the men.

  "I'm Dodgin, the new foreman," he replied.

  "So are we," replied the other workers, "sit down and have a smoke."

  ENEMIES

  Speak well of your enemies. Remember you made them.

  The fine and noble way to kill a foe Is not to kill him; you with kindness may So change him, that he shall cease to be so; Then he's slain.

  --_Aleyn_.

  ENGLISH LANGUAGE

  By way of enlarging the children's vocabulary, our villageschool-teacher is in the habit of giving them a certain word andasking them to form a sentence in which that word occurs. The otherday she gave the class the word "notwithstanding." There was a pause,and then a bright-faced youngster held up his hand.