Remember the Knight

by Thomas, Carrie Lynn

  But this isn’t right. None of this is right.

  I open my mouth. I need to say yes. I have to say yes. There is no answer but yes. I’m going to say—

  “No, Hunter. I’m sorry, but I can’t marry you.”

  And then I throw up.

  Chapter Three

  Adam

  “You should be dead.”

  “Nice to see you too, little brother,” he says, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he sits up on the couch. His hair sticks up in the back and his clothes look like they’ve seen better days.

  “You should be dead.” I cross my arms hoping it can keep me from doing what I really want to do right now, reach out and squeeze all the air out from his lungs.

  “What? No hugs?” He smirks and I squeeze my hands into fists, my nails piercing so tightly into my palm I’m certain there will be marks for days.

  “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “I’m here to see you, little bro. It’s been a long time.” He leans an elbow on the back of the couch and cocks his head. “Haven’t you missed me?”

  I open my mouth and but then think again and snap it shut. I shift my weight from one leg to the other, my arms still crossing my chest, my fists still tucked into my elbows.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” He yawns. “You thought I was dead. I should be dead. I’m not dead.” He rolls his eyes. “You could be a bit more grateful. I did save that little girlfriend of yours.”

  “Thanks.” I clench my teeth.

  “Don’t sound so grateful.” He rubs his eyes and yawns yet again before stretching out his arms. “God, is my back sore.”

  “Dammit, Zane.” I groan and fall onto the couch beside him. “Why are you here? Why aren’t you dead? You’re not exactly my favorite person, you know.” I stare straight ahead before pinching the bridge of my nose. “I don’t want you here.”

  “Hmph, we’re back to Zane now? What happened to Aaron—you know—big brother, Aaron?” He speaks calmly, slowly, with a smugness in his voice that reminds me how much I want to deck the guy right now.

  “You’re not my older brother. An older brother wouldn’t keep abandoning me. An older brother wouldn’t leave me in this hellhole of guilt and grief. I hate you.”

  He presses his hands on his thighs and stands up. “What the hell is your problem, little brother? I never abandoned you. Not then, not now.” His voice growls. “Do you know what it took to get here? Do you know what I’ve been through?” He runs his fingers through his hair, scowling. “I thought you’d be a bit more welcoming then this.”

  “I don’t care what it took you to get here. Or that you risked your life and all that crap. You left me in hell when you took the Nexus. You left me with a big mess to clean up. Why not just take me with you or something? We could’ve died together.” I lean my head back on the couch until I’m staring at the ceiling. I hate him, I don’t hate him. I hate him. Okay, my head hurts now.

  “Well, what did you want me to do? You and I both know the Nexus couldn’t bring her back to life. I had no choice.” He lowers his head in his hands. He looks tired. Beaten.

  My voice softens. “You could’ve let just me go back in time. Instead of you.” I sink to the couch, feeling defeated. Knowing Zane could do what I couldn’t. It wasn’t so much Zane I hated—it’s myself.

  He rubs his belly. “Do you have anything to eat around here?”

  “What?” I lift my head in bewilderment. Where had that question come from?

  He walks into the cabin kitchen, which wasn’t much of a kitchen. A basic sink, fridge, electric stove. “Food? I’m starving. Do you have anything to eat? And some heat too? It’s getting a little cold in here.” He enunciates the words like I’m a little kid and pats his stomach and grabs his arms, shivering.

  I raise an eyebrow. “Really? You’re concerned about food right now?”

  “Yeah, like I said…” He walks over to the kitchen, opening and closing cupboards.

  “Aaron.” The word flies out of my mouth. The memories have been coming back in bits and pieces—ever since the time I spent in Roswell. They hit me every now and then—it’s rare, like a crack of thunder in the winter. Thundersnow is what they call it.

  Seeing him in the kitchen triggered one of these memories—he was there, stirring up chocolate milk and slapping peanut butter on bread for lunch. I was crying, begging him to read my favorite book one more time before I had to leave for school. I can’t remember the name of the book, just that it was blue with a house on it. Aaron leaned over me, “I’ll be here after school, Adam. We can read it then. I’ll always be here for you.” He promised. But it was a lie. He’d disappeared then like he’d disappeared on the beach. He wasn’t Aaron. “I think I’ll stick with Zane.”

  He shrugs. “Glad we got that covered. Now about dinner?” He keeps going through the cupboards like maybe he’s missed something, and they will suddenly grow food.

  I hold my hand over my head. The pain is growing. “I have a few questions first.”

  Zane raises his eyebrows and stops in the middle of the kitchen. “It would be easier to answer your questions on a full stomach, you know.”

  I ignore him. “Why aren’t you dead?”

  No answer. Instead he opens and slams the fridge door. “Yep, still empty. Why isn’t there anything in here? The fridge isn’t even cold.”

  “We unplug the appliances during the off-season. There’s no need to stock the cabin—” Ugh, he’s getting me off track. “That’s really not the important thing at the moment. Traveling through time should’ve killed you. Why aren’t you dead?”

  “Well, thanks for caring so much,” he says. “It means so much to me.” He grabs his chest and leans over. “My little bro is so happy to see me alive. So happy, in fact that he’s mad at me.”

  I grimace. “If you had let me go—”

  “You would be dead. And so would Sage. There is no way you had the power to time travel.” I sigh. I hate to admit he’s right. My time in Roswell had been hell and I could barely move during the rescue. I spent weeks in bed afterwards, my mother hovering over me constantly.

  But I’m not giving him the satisfaction of admitting he’s right, so I narrow my eyes and grunt. “Thanks for the confidence.”

  “You’re welcome.” Zane returns to the couch and plops down next to me. “Now if you really want to be the hero, you can get me some food. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve eaten? You can be the hero, Adam. Your turn.” He wraps his fingers around my forearm and squeezes. “Help me.”

  “Shut up,” I say bitterly, and shake him off me. “Don’t touch me. Why are you here anyway? And where have you been? It’s been two years since that night.”

  “I’m here, because I’m hungry.” I start to rise, and he pulls me back to the couch. “And I’m also here because I need you and you need me if we’re going to destroy the Nexus and all that fun. If we don’t, then you, me, that little girlfriend—we all go bye-bye.” He holds up his hands. “Now food? Can we order up a pizza or something?” He pats his stomach again and stands up. He walks to the kitchen table and sits down, crossing his arms and resting his legs on one of the other chairs.

  I’m half tempted to shut up Cabin three with him in it, but he was the last person with the Nexus, and if I’m ever going to actually destroy the thing and let go of the guilt and stop whatever or whomever has the Nexus, I need him. The thought sits sourly in my stomach. I still hate him.

  “Fine.” I stand up and take the seat across from him at the kitchen table. “But the pizza will have to wait. Story first.”

  Chapter Four

  Sage

  Hunter doesn’t say a word. There is no dessert. No more hand holding. After a quick clean-up of his jacket with my promises to pay the dry-cleaning bill, he pays the check, we leave the restaurant, and wait awkwardly for the car. When the valet pulls up, he doesn’t hold my door. Instead he grabs the keys and walks around to the driver’s side.

  Hur
t rattles off of him with the sound of his car door slamming. I crawl into the passenger side, gently closing my door. Silence hangs between us, awkward and tense.

  Guilt whispers in my ears. Do I apologize? Do I try to explain why? I glance tentatively over at him, but his eyes are locked onto the road, his jaw clenched, his hands gripping the wheel so tight his knuckles are white.

  Words escape me, and he doesn’t offer any. He pulls into my driveway and I glance at him again, willing him to look over at me. I hesitate, my hand on the door handle.

  “Hunter—”

  “Please, don’t,” he whispers, his voice strained. Heat floods my cheeks. I hate that I’ve done this. That I’ve hurt him. I hate hurting anyone. Especially Hunter…he’s been such a big part of my life.

  What is wrong with me?

  I get out of the car and start walking toward the house. His car roars out of the driveway, screeching into the night. I pause to look back at the empty street, holding back tears. Or at least I think I am holding back tears. But my eyes aren’t wet. It is strange, how I should be crying, but I’m not. This is the end of a five-year-old relationship. This is the guy I love. Or loved. He wants me to be his wife. Or he did just an hour ago. He’s always been there for me. Like my mom and my dad and my sister. He’s been my boyfriend for so long, how can I imagine a future without him?

  Why had I said no?

  My parents are surprised when I walk through the door. My dad keeps looking behind me. He’s probably expecting Hunter.

  “He’s not here,” I say.

  “What? My dad asks. I thought he was going to...” He’s still glancing at the door as if he heard wrong and Hunter will appear at any moment. “I thought…Well…”

  “You thought he was going to propose. Yes, he did do that—wait how did you know?”

  “He asked for my permission several weeks ago. He’s been planning this for over a month.” My dad’s forehead wrinkles.

  I chew my bottom lip. I am a terrible, terrible person. To turn him down. To turn down this sweet and wonderful guy. Why?

  “It was perfect.” I say. “It was perfect. Every little detail, down to the ring. It was perfect.”

  “Well then, what happened?” my mom asks.

  “I don’t know. He’s perfect. He’s always been perfect., but I’m not sure, he’s perfect for me. I don’t know why...I don’t know what—” My throat chokes up. “There’s something missing. Something wrong. And don’t know how to—and I’m so sorry, so very sorry.” I slide down the back of the door to the marble floor, my sundress flowing around me. And that’s when the tears finally come. Wet, sticky, tumbling down my cheeks. And my mom drops to the floor beside me while my dad hunts down the Kleenex.

  “I’m so sorry,” I say.

  “You have nothing to be sorry about,” my mom says.

  “Are you disappointed in me? I know you liked Hunter...” I look up at my dad who has returned with a box of tissues.

  “Never.” He hands me a tissue. My mom strokes my hair, wrapping herself around me. “We could never be disappointed. Hunter is a nice guy and I want a nice guy for you, but if you don’t feel it—trust your heart. Always trust your heart.”

  “Yes,” my mom says. “I knew your father was the one for me. Never doubted it. He saved me when I needed it the most. He saves me every day.” She looks up at him, her face bright, her eyes shining with love.

  I swallow. Before each plane trip, he always tells me to watch out for her because she’s not as strong as us. At least he used to when I was living at home. I wonder if he says the same thing to Stella now, or if he just no longer worries as much. My mom, I can’t see her being weak. She squeezes my arm. “You should feel that way about whoever you marry.”

  “That’s the thing,” I say. “I thought I did, but…” I’ve never told my mom about the dreams. I’ve never told anyone about the dreams. The way they haunt me, over and over. Not every night, but more nights than not. I know dreams are usually the brain’s way of processing—like filing away our day. But this dream is different. There’s a boy with blue eyes. And he calls me. He smiles at me. And we’re in water, drowning, and he’s there. He’s always there. And I know he’ll always be there.

  And I want that blue-eyed boy more than anything. When I wake up, there’s this sad and empty feeling in me I can’t explain. I close my eyes, begging to get back to the dream. Begging to not wake up from it. But it never works, and I’m always left wishing for more…

  Until I dream it again.

  My mom puts an arm around me, gripping my shoulders tight. “There’s someone out there. I know there is. Maybe he’s at college, just waiting for you—although selfishly, I hope he’s a little closer—like Arizona,” she says. “I want you to stay close. But that doesn’t mean you should settle. I sure didn’t.” She looks up at my dad, sharing a secretive smile only they can understand.

  “I didn’t either,” my dad says, smiling down at her. I can’t help the twinge of jealousy at the unspoken words flowing between them.

  I want that.

  It’s kind of like the way that blue-eyed boy in my dreams makes me feel.

  Chapter Five

  Adam

  I’ve spent the last two years doing everything I can to push all this guilt from my mind. I tried searching for something that first year. I’ve tried working myself to death this past year. But nothing relieves the guilt as much as blaming Zane.

  But now, with him sitting across from me, rocking back in the chair, fingers tapping the table in a rhythm of some beat I recognize but can’t place, I’m not sure what I feel. The guilt’s here, I know. That heavy familiar pressing I-can’t-breath guilt that hangs over me like an approaching storm cloud. I’m irritated, I know that too. The way he smirks and grins and talks slowly like I’m the hot-headed one and he’s the mature, calm older brother. There’s anger too—anger for him bringing Sage to Roswell. Anger that he got to save her. Anger that…

  Oh, I don’t know.

  Oddly enough, I’m not sure I’m blaming him, though. It wasn’t his fault he was born who he is, and I was born who I am. It’s not his fault we got caught up in this twisted war with us at the center because of our blood. It’s not his fault our dad was killed and I was kidnapped, or Sage went with him. She was determined to find me—she is always so determined. Well, was anyway; I’m not really sure who she is anymore.

  “So,” Zane says. “Do you want the short version or the extended version?”

  “I just want the real version. What happened that night?” I grind my teeth. He’s hard to read sometimes. I can’t tell when he’s being serious.

  “Okay.” Zane scratches his nose. “Here goes nothing.” He’s silent for a moment, and then he opens his mouth. He shakes his head and closes it again. He lifts his eyes up and then lowers them to the table.

  I clear my throat, my eyes catching his. “Any time now.”

  He shifts in his chair across from me. “Sure we can’t eat? Maybe you’re hungry too?” I raise an eyebrow, my face growing hot. What is he hiding? Zane shrugs. “Okay, okay. Well, I took the Nexus. Went back ten years and happened to run into Sage’s dad in the parking lot. Gave him her locket with my trademark smile. That was enough to freak him out and send him running home. So, he never got on the—"

  “I know all this,” I tell him. “How stupid do you think I am? You saved her father, which saved her.”

  “Thank you, Zane,” he says in a sing-song voice.

  “Yeah, thank you for taking her away from me. Thank you for making it so she’ll never remember me. Thank you very much, Zane.”

  “Geez,” he says. “Selfish much?”

  “You took everything—”

  “I saved her life and yours. You’re welcome.” Zane leans back in the chair. “Really, this is getting ridiculous, Adam. You’re actually mad at me for saving your girlfriend. What does it matter if I saved her or you did? She’s saved. She’s good. She’s not dead, and if you think abou
t it, she’s out of the mess.”

  “I know.” I look away and sigh. “But everything’s so different.” I drop my head into my hands. “I just wish…I wish I wasn’t stuck in this hell where nobody remembers her. If I could be dead, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be without her.”

  “So, let me get this.” Zane holds up his hands. “You’re mad because you didn’t get to save her and get her out of this mess, yet you’re mad she did get saved and now is out of this mess. You’re not making much sense. And if you care so much about the girl, why are you hiding out here instead of chasing after her? I thought for sure I’d be tracking you down in Duluth. Imagine my surprise to find you back here again.”

  “I can’t do that to her again—get her into my life. It’s too much of a risk and I’m just so… I don’t know,” I say softly. “I’m mad I’m not with her and I’m mad I’m not dead. I’m mad at myself for being mad about all these things. And the guilt over all of it—it’s just stifling. So, I think it’s just easier to blame somebody else, and I picked you, I guess.”

  “Okay,” he says. “Now that we established that, let’s go get some pizza.”

  I sigh deeply and glance up at the ceiling. Count to ten. How can he make me feel so guilty one moment and frustrate the hell out of me the next? “No food,” I admonish him like he’s the toddler. “Not until you fully explain exactly why you are here.”

  He starts tapping on the table again and his face breaks into a sneer. I have to bite down hard on my lip to keep myself from reaching over and throttling the answers out of him. He tilts his head to the side and smiles as if he can read my thoughts. And his fingers…

  Tap. Tap. Tap.

  “Now,” I finally demand.

  His lips draw into a straight line and he smacks his palm on the table. “Like I told you, I need your help to find the rings and destroy the Nexus. After that, feel free to go back to this hole of an existence you seem to have dug yourself, but until then we need to do this. I wasn’t kidding when I said Sage’s life depends on it. Everyone’s life depends on it. You’re blaming yourself for dragging her into this mess for whatever reason, but she’d be in the mess whether you ever met her not. So, get over your little pity party and help me.” He leans into the table. “And get me some food—soon. Before I fall over and die of hunger.”