Marked for Love

by Hannah West

Noelle watched her move before she stepped up to the counter. “I’ll take an iced caramel macchiato.” It had been her favorite drink in college, before she had started to budget. She paid and moved to join Sara. The taller woman smiled politely at the barista before picking up her drink. She had gotten some sort of hot coffee. Whatever it was, it smelled good. Noelle picked up her drink when it was ready and turned to survey the tables. “Particular in where you want to sit?” she asked.

  “In the corner,” Sara said, nodding to a pair of cozy-looking chairs around a small, wooden table. It was tucked neatly into the corner, so that they could see everyone without anyone getting behind them.

  Interesting, Noelle mused to herself as she headed in their direction. Sara sank into one of the chairs, Noelle into the other, and they sipped their drinks in contemplative silence. “So what do you do?” Noelle asked awkwardly. She was bad at conversation starters; it wasn’t really her forte unless murder was involved.

  Sara smiled. “I’m a doctor.” Noelle blinked, watching as Sara’s smile grew larger. “Specifically a critical care pediatrician. I just finished a fellowship in pediatric critical care.”

  Noelle shifted in her chair, taking another sip of her drink. “So you work with critically injured kids?”

  Sara nodded. “I work in downtown Stendale.” She chuckled to herself. “It doesn’t sound like the greatest job, I know.” She took a sip of her drink, watching Noelle with oddly piercing eyes. “What about you?”

  “I’m a detective,” Noelle said, turning away from Sara’s gaze and looking at her coffee. It, at least, couldn’t judge her. “Been with Stendale PD for six years as of next month. Been in homicide just over four years.” Not that she had been counting. Or marking it down on her calendar every day.

  "Homicide?" Sara asked, tilting her head.

  Noelle nodded. "I was a patrol cop for a couple years, then burglary, and then I scored a promotion." She swirled her coffee cup, thinking. "What's medicine like?"

  "Long hours, shift work, and little down time," Sara answered promptly. "Today's my first day off in two weeks. Well, it's not technically a day off," she amended. "I had to work night shift."

  Noelle sympathized. "I work primarily night shift," she said. "Although I choose to.”

  "I prefer nights." Sara grinned. "Less people around."

  Noelle chuckled. "That is an advantage. Less interviewing witnesses, that sort of thing. Although we do tend to get rotated. Supervisors don't want us doing entirely one shift, because then we don't get the experience working the other."

  Sara hummed her agreement, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back in her chair. "But you have time off in the middle of the day to come to coffee."

  Noelle looked down at her coffee cup again. "I have the week off."

  "Because of what happened?" Sara inquired, her voice gentle.

  "Yeah." Noelle took a drink, settling back in her chair but not looking at Sara. "My - soulmate was a victim in one of the recent homicides. I didn't know her at all. I never met her. I didn't even know she was - mine, until I got the visit from the Database Personnel the next morning. My supervisor gave me the week off, told me to go to the meetings, and here I am." She swirled her coffee in her hand, listening to the slosh of the liquid. She still didn't like how talking about it made her feel. She felt empty, like there was a hole in her chest that would never be filled. Her chest ached, her mind whirled, and she was afraid of what the future would hold.

  Part of her wished that Sara would offer some sort of comfort, would tell her that everything would be okay. But Noelle didn't need that - she already knew it. It wasn't like she had actually known Lydia. It wasn't like losing a friend. "It does get better," Sara said, stopping the flow of Noelle's thoughts. "Eventually. It takes time."

  Noelle nodded, not wanting to object. Sara was interesting, Sara liked her - Noelle hadn't realized how much she wanted a friend until she had the chance at having one. The last thing she wanted to do was frighten her off with emotional topics like that. Not that they didn't have it in common, since they both went to the loss meetings, but it didn't seem right to discuss. "Thanks," she said instead. "So what's it's like, being a doctor?"

  Sara smiled, but it was a faint smile. Shadows lurked behind her eyes, but she let Noelle change the subject. "It's hard sometimes. I work with the sick kids, so you get the parents. But it's satisfying, to see kids make it through. They're amazingly resilient."

  The conversation meandered after that, going from Noelle's hometown (a tiny city) to her job, to the (vaguely described) cases she had worked on, to Sara's training, the several cities she had been, and finally settled on a discussion of whether the weather in Stendale was good or bad. It was the first light conversation Noelle had had with a non-policewoman since joining the force. "I still prefer more rain," she said, sipping the last of her coffee.

  "Mm, I think it's the right amount." Sara grinned, obviously teasing. Noelle smiled but didn't say anything. They had thoroughly exhausted the topic of weather and she couldn't think of anything else to talk about. "I lost my partner eight years ago," Sara said suddenly. "Car accident. They were driving home and were hit by someone driving drunk."

  Noelle's heart twisted. "I'm sorry for your loss," she said softly, wanting to reach out and pat Sara's hand like she had done for so many relatives of the victims she had helped.

  "It's easier to talk about now," Sara said, one corner of her lips tugging up in a faint smile.

  "Then why-" Noelle stopped herself before she could finish. It was none of her business.

  "Why do I go to the meetings?" Sara finished for her, a knowing look in her eyes. "I have to. My work requires anyone that has lost their Soulmate to attend the meetings at least every two weeks for at least five years. It's to assist their work through allowing them to properly cope with the loss." Sara sounded like she was reading from a pamphlet, but with more sarcasm. Noelle couldn't entirely blame her. That was a ridiculous policy.

  “That’s bullshit,” Noelle muttered, tapping the rim of her empty coffee cup against the table top. She winced inwardly and then looked up to see Sara’s grin.

  “That’s one way to describe it,” she agreed. Her gaze shifted to the wall behind Noelle's head. "I believe there are good intentions behind the policies, but they're rather blanket. One size fits all, almost, when in reality, it doesn't."

  Noelle couldn't help but think of her own situation. See Lydia dead, on the floor, covered in blood. She didn't need to cope with anything when she hadn't actually lost anything. Did she? It was a complicated question and not one she was sure she knew the answer to. "When did you meet yours?" Noelle asked, figuring that she would jump in at the deep end. Sara hadn't shared anything at the meeting, but if she had been going to them for as long as she had lost her partner, Noelle rather figured that sharing her story would lose its appeal.

  Sara wrapped her hand around her empty coffee cup - not moving it, not fidgeting it, but simply holding onto it. "We had only met a year before then."

  "My mother met her mate at seventeen," Noelle said automatically, her mother's story coming unbidden to her mind. Sara smiled.

  "What about you?" she inquired. "You had never met her before?" There was an odd sort of sadness in her eyes, like the shadow of grief without a sense of loss. Noelle stored it away to think about later. It wasn’t an expression she had seen before, but if she stumbled across it again, she wanted to know it.

  "Never before in my life," Noelle answered.

  "How do you feel?" Sara's voice was gentle, more so than Noelle had expected. There was a kindness to it, a reassurance that no matter what, everything was okay. Noelle could see how Sara made such a good doctor.

  "I don't know," she answered honestly, wishing she had more coffee. Having something to drink or focus on other than the frankly intimidating woman sitting across from her would have been a welcome respite. "It -" she hesitated. Should she be honest? She went for it. "It hurts, a bit? I fe
el empty, but not - I don't know if it's because of her, or being off work for a week. I haven't had more than a day off a week since I started at the police department," she said, stumbling over her words. "I shouldn't feel different. I didn't know her."

  "Grief doesn't work that way," Sara said, picking up the coffee cup and swirling it around. She was looking at it, now, and not at Noelle. "It's a strange thing, grief. You can mourn the loss of someone you never loved in the first place."

  "But I did love her," Noelle protested. "I was supposed to. She was my soul mate."

  "She was dead when you met her," Sara said, her tone even, pointed. Almost too rational for Noelle's brain to handle. "Can you love someone you've never met?"

  Noelle bit back the first thing that came to mind. Of course she could. That was what she saw in the books, in the movies. You loved your soulmate from the first moment you met them. She stared at the table, turning the coffee cup in a circle. The moment you met them. "Can you grieve for them, though?" she asked instead, lifting her gaze to make eye contact. That was the real question, she thought.

  "I think so," Sara said, her voice soft. She sat her coffee cup down, glancing at the watch on her wrist. She was left handed, Noelle noted with mild surprise. "Will you be at the meeting next week?"

  "Yes." Noelle grimaced at the thought. She didn't want to go, but her supervisor, Ty, had made it quite clear what would happen if she didn't attend meetings regularly for at least the first few months.

  "I have to go," Sara said, "but I'll be at next week's meeting. See you there?" Her smile was kind, and Noelle smiled in return.

  "Take care of yourself," Noelle said out of habit. It was her traditional farewell. She had learned it from her mother.

  Sara chuckled. "You too. Get some rest." She nodded to Noelle and then stood, taking her coffee cup and tossing it out on the way out the door.

  Noelle followed a few moments later, tossing out the empty cup with a faint pang of regret. That had been some of the best coffee she had had in a long time. She got in her car and turned it on, fiddling with the radio until she found a song she liked. Next week, Sara had said. But she had said that she only attended every other week. Was there a reason that Sara was attending two weeks in a row?

  She sang along to the radio as she drove home, unable to force Sara’s face from her mind. It was wrong, Noelle told herself. Sara was interesting, that was true. But fascination was - was wrong somehow. She pursed her lips, thinking, her fingers tapping out a rhythm on the steering wheel. Was it wrong, really? Her soulmate was dead. She had no one, wasn’t betraying anyone. Was it really that wrong?

  Of course it was, Noelle reminded herself firmly. Her soulmate was dead, yes, but that didn't mean she could just - move on to someone else, just like that. Her soulmate was her perfect match, her other half. No relationship would ever compare. Not that Noelle had ever experienced a relationship - they were discouraged outside of bondmates. Noelle had had friends who had dabbled, who had slept around, but all had found their soul mates and moved on with their lives.

  She had come across a few couples in her time as a detective who weren't soulmates. She had seen them look distraught over the loss of their boyfriend or girlfriend, cry, break down. Grief in its many variations. It was as hard as it was to see on soulmate couples. Seeing the significant other break down and cry was never easy. She would do all she could, but she could never ease their pain. It would always hurt.

  Noelle sighed as she pulled into her parking spot. She turned off her car, grabbing her purse and keys before heading back to her apartment. There were advantages to a first-story apartment, and not having to navigate stairs was one of them. Not that she found them difficult to navigate, but at the end of a sixteen hour shift, the last thing she wanted to do was find her way up the stairs before falling into bed.

  She unlocked her door and stepped inside, setting aside her phone, keys, and purse before walking into her kitchen. Maybe Sara had to attend an extra meeting to make up for one she had missed, Noelle mused. That would make sense. There certainly wasn't any other reason behind it. She glanced at her wall calendar, and smiled. There was a krav maga class at the academy in a few hours. Held twice weekly, it was open to anyone in the force who wanted to practice or learn new skills.

  Noelle rather disliked guns, so krav maga was the next best thing. It was also a good method to work out some stress. She smiled, feeling a bit more buoyant than she had felt since she had found out who Lydia was. Maybe her week off wasn't going to be an entire waste. At the very least, she could learn something new.

  Chapter Two

  "Do you come here often?" Loryn, one of the crime scene investigators, asked with a grunt as she blocked Noelle's kick. She was an older woman, mid-40s, but she was giving Noelle one hell of a workout.

  "As often as I can," Noelle grunted as she twisted into another kick. They had the same conversation every week, and it had become something of a ritual.

  "Learned this back in the big city, did you?" Loryn changed positions, dropping down to block Noelle's kick near her legs.

  "Started when I was little," Noelle confirmed. Loryn was her favorite of the senior CSIs. Efficient but thorough, she knew every detective on the force and could modify her techniques to suit every detective's personality.

  "So how are you holding up?" Loryn asked, her voice quiet to ensure that it couldn't be heard by the other people sparring. They switched positions effortlessly, Loryn attacking and Noelle defending. "After - well, you know."

  Noelle did know. She blocked Loryn's kick and let her body take over. She had been learning various martial arts since she was little. Her father had been a black belt, a krav maga instructor who had devoted his whole life to helping police officers learn how to protect themselves without resorting to guns or other implements. Noelle was working on her first level black belt. "I went to my first meeting," she admitted, twisting to catch Loryn's middle blow. "It wasn't very helpful."

  "You're in a unique position," Loryn said, smoothly turning into a low kick and trying to knock Noelle's feet out from underneath her.

  "Did you go to them?" Noelle asked, shifting into a high kick as Loryn blocked it. "After Kristin died?"

  "Yes." Middle kick, middle block. "They only made me go for two years." Low kick, low block, and Loryn stood still for a moment. "Some people don't find them helpful, but the system doesn't really account for that," she said simply. "Make some friends, if you can. Meet other people. You're in a unique situation, but you won't be the only one that doesn't fit the mold."

  Sara's face flashed into Noelle's mind for a moment. "I had coffee with one of the people at the meeting," Noelle said, watching Loryn's face to see her reaction. Loryn was as impassive as ever.

  "Good." Loryn didn't smile, but there was something pleased in her eyes. "I think we're almost done here," she said, glancing around at the rest of the people in the room. About half were stretching and the rest conversing, winding down after the brutal three-hour practice.

  "Stretch and a jog, then back to work you go?" Noelle asked, amused.

  Loryn chuckled faintly. "I won't tell them that you were here," she promised. "None of the others will, either. Even if they don't understand, I'll make them."

  Noelle smiled. It was nice to have someone that understood. "Thanks," she told Loryn, sinking to the floor and moving into a split. "I really appreciate it."

  "Just keep Rick off my next crime scene, okay?" Loryn said good-naturedly. Noelle chuckled, leaning and stretching out her calves and thighs. Rick had a reputation for being a bit commandeering with his crime scene management. "I can tolerate him, but he's a piece of work."

  Noelle nodded, glancing up to see Loryn bend down and stretch her spine. "Did you -" Noelle caught herself. It was rude, far too personal of a question to ask.

  "Hmm?" Loryn asked, shifting into a split similar to Loryn's and stretching her legs. It was important to stretch when the muscles were warm and flexible.

 
; Noelle swallowed. Did she? Did she dare? Loryn seemed open to questions, but certainly there was a limit. She decided to seize the opportunity. "Did you ever date? Afterwards?"

  Loryn was silent for several seconds, shifting to press her upper body to the floor. She was as flexible in her late forties as Noelle was in her late twenties. Noelle couldn’t help but hope that she would be equally flexible at the same age. “I didn’t,” Loryn said evenly, moving to stretch different muscles. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t.”

  “I shouldn’t,” Noelle muttered, finishing her floor stretches and standing. She leaned forward, stretching out her legs some more.

  “You never knew your soulmate,” Loryn said practically, stretching her arm over her chest. “You weren’t attached. Kristin and I had twenty years together, when she died. There’s no replacing her.”

  “That girl -” For a horrifying moment, Noelle found herself unable to recall her soulmate’s name. “Lydia.” There it was. “Lydia was my soul mate,” she said, stretching her quadriceps next. “I shouldn’t replace her.”

  “Hmm,” Loryn mused, standing and mimicking Noelle’s prior stretch. She could place her forearms on the ground, something that evaded Noelle. “You’re not replacing her, Noelle. Finding someone new isn’t like buying a kitten at a pet shop. You’re not searching for a replacement.”

  Noelle bit back a response. Certainly Loryn had more experience with life than she did. Loryn didn’t smile, but her eyes were amused. “My best friend is married to someone who’s not her soulmate. He lost his soulmate before he ever met him. Doesn’t even know his name. All he knows is that according to the registrar, his soulmate died when he was eight.”

  “That’s.” Noelle didn’t even know what to say. “That’s horrible.”

  Loryn inclined her head slightly, straightening and twisting to stretch her obliques. “Something along those lines. But he found someone who suited him and they made it work.”

  “What about - the other person? What if they find their soulmate?” Noelle asked, wary.