by Hannah West
“I’m sorry.” Sara moved closer, leaned in, kissed her.
Noelle regarded her, startled. “For what?”
Sara stroked Noelle’s cheek briefly with her thumb. “That you never got to meet her properly.”
Noelle looked away, tears coming unbidden to her eyes. Whether it was grief or shame, she didn’t know. The fact she had never met Lydia, never known or loved her soulmate, was something that would haunt her for the rest of her life. It was like a badge of shame, and she felt the guilt, red-hot, running through her veins every time it came up. “It’s okay,” she managed.
“It’s not.” Sara kissed her again, lingered. Part of Noelle wanted to pull away, wanted to push Sara away until she stopped talking about it. The rest was rational, realizing that Sara wasn’t trying to hurt her, or dig in a stake in her chest. She likely dealt with the same problems Noelle did - or would, anyway. They were in the same boat. “We can drop the subject if you want.”
“Yeah,” Noelle said, relief swelling in her chest. It was too painful, talking about Lydia. About the impact she was having on Noelle’s life, even in death. The things that she had lost because of the thing she had never had. It felt safer to focus on the present, focus on Sara right next to her. Sara, who seemed fond of her company, seemed to enjoy kissing her, holding her - touching her. Noelle shivered as Sara leaned closer, almost pinning her against the counter.
Sara kissed her. Her lips were soft, her body firm, her hands on Noelle’s hips, holding her close. Noelle focused on breathing through her nose, her eyes half-closed. Her hands were still gripping the counter, as if somehow that would anchor her and keep her standing. She opened her mouth when she felt the tip of Sara’s tongue against her lips. Sara’s mouth was warm, insistent but not pressuring. She was hot as molten lava. Noelle wrapped an arm around Sara, holding her close.
In a moment of boldness, she slid a hand down to the hem of Sara’s sweater, slipping the fingertips underneath. She felt like her heart was thundering, like it was going to explode if she continued. Sara pulled back, her breathing irregular, and nodded in encouragement. “Go for it,” she murmured.
Noelle kissed Sara hungrily, slowly sliding her hand up Sara’s shirt, teasing the bottom of her bra, its lacy cup. “Here.” Sara broke the kiss, pulling back to tug her shirt off. Not missing a beat, Noelle reached down, grasping the hem of her shirt and tugging it off over her head. Self-consciously Noelle wanted to cover herself, but the hunger in Sara’s eyes was intoxicating. “You’re beautiful,” Sara said, leaning down and kissing Noelle’s neck.
Noelle pressed her lips together, trying not to make noise. Sara kissed her way down Noelle’s neck, one hand around Noelle’s waist, the other on the cup of Noelle’s bra. “So’re you,” Noelle said, trying not to squirm or press her thighs together in a noticeable way. She was uncomfortably warm - wanting, needing.
Sara lifted her head, kiss-slick lips making Noelle squirm more. “Is this okay with you?” she asked, her eyes intent. “What we’re doing.”
Noelle flushed and looked away. “I like it,” she admitted, her voice quiet. Was it okay to admit that? Hopefully. In the books it was, anyway. That was all she had as a reference point. “I haven’t. Um. Done this before.” She had mentioned it before, but it probably didn’t hurt.
Sara kissed her on the lips. “Do you want to go further?”
Noelle didn’t look at Sara, fiddled with her jeans. Did she?
“Not this time,” Sara said before Noelle could say anything. “Next time?”
Noelle nodded. Part of her berated herself, wishing she wasn’t nervous about any of this. She had read plenty of romance novels, watched lots of TV. Surely it wasn’t that different.
Sara hooked her fingers in the loops of Noelle’s jeans and tugged. “Come with me,” she said, her lips curving into a flirty smile.
Noelle followed Sara to the couch, where Sara nudged Noelle to lay down and then climbed on top of her. She lost track of how long they kissed, bodies flush against each other, but when Noelle pulled back, she felt dizzy and exhilarated.
Sara pulled back and helped Noelle sit up, still keeping her close. “Alive?” she asked.
Noelle just looked at her, panting from the lack of oxygen. “That was.” She breathed. “Good.”
Sara smiled. “Chilly?”
Noelle glanced down at her breasts, the nipples firm. “Maybe, um. A bit.” Her cheeks were pink. “Could be the kissing.”
Sara giggled and kissed her neck right where she had left a mark. “Do you want your shirt back from - wherever it went?”
Noelle shrugged. “If you want.” It had been strange at first, being in her bra around someone else. Not that Noelle was particularly self-conscious. But there was something incredibly intimate about baring part of oneself for someone else, especially when Noelle had never done it before.
“What do you sleep in?” Sara tilted her head, laying it against Noelle’s.
“T-shirt and undies.” It was easy enough to keep warm underneath enough blankets. She hated sleeping with pants on. “You?”
Sara chuckled. “Same.” They fell quiet, sitting with each other. Noelle closed her eyes, head on Sara’s shoulder. She was oddly tired. It wasn’t even that late.
Noelle jolted awake when she felt Sara move out from underneath her. She pulled herself back into a sitting position, rubbing her eyes with her hand. “I’m awake, I’m awake.”
Sara leaned in and kissed her head. “I can tell. Let’s go to bed.” Taking Noelle’s hand, she led her to the bedroom.
Noelle stifled a yawn as she walked into work. She and Sara had been up late the night before, texting until 3am about the relative merits of everything from buying a coffee maker to the specific brand of yarn that Sara liked to knit with. “Good morning,” Riley said, smiling and offering her a file. “Late night?”
Noelle took the file and smiled back. “Apparently we decided on the Kern coffee maker.”
“Ah, the important details.” Riley winked. “That’s a new case for you, by the way. And you need to finish up your statement for the Dawkins case. Julia’s case. It’s going to court next week.”
Noelle’s heart sank. “I thought he pled guilty.”
“He’s apparently changed his tune.”
“Why?” She felt irrationally angry. Hadn’t Julia been through enough? Now they were going to have to put her on trial, too.
“I dunno.” Riley shrugged.
“That’s bullshit,” Noelle muttered, tossing the file on her desk without looking at it.
“It is,” Riley said. He patted her on the back and then wandered off.
Noelle watched him head into one of their superior’s offices. Nothing like a social visit while on duty, after all. She headed over to the department’s coffee maker and poured herself some. Crappy coffee, but it would be enough to get her through the evening. That was the downside of awkward shift times.
“Bullshit,” Noelle muttered to herself, settling down in her cubicle and opening up the file Riley had given to her. She sipped the burning-hot coffee, nearly gagging at its strength. Two creamers and a sugar would put it right again.
“Might not want to drink coffee while you read that.” Loryn appeared at the side of her cubicle, her ever-stern expression unchanging.
“That bad?” Noelle asked, glancing at Loryn before she focused on the file. She winced at the gory pictures.
“Told you.” Loryn shook her head once. “I’ll be testifying as forensics at the Hawkins case. Lawyer wants to debrief us on Wednesday.”
“I can’t do Wednesday.” Noelle grimaced.
“Why not?” Loryn frowned.
Noelle didn’t look at her. The last thing she wanted to admit to was a Loss Meeting. It was bad enough that most of the department knew what she was already. “I have a family obligation.”
Loryn studied her skeptically for a few moments. “I’ll tell them Thursday, then.”
“Thanks.” Noelle flashed
Loryn a smile before turning back to the gory file.
It was less than a half hour later before Riley showed up, a wide grin on his face. “Ready to go talk to some witnesses?”
“Do you have to be so blasted cheery?” Noelle grumbled good-naturedly, closing the file and trying not to feel sick to her stomach. Four dead, two of them children - never a good situation.
“Always.”
Noelle shook her head, packing up her wallet and tucking it into her pocket. “Let’s get it over with.”
-
“It must be so hard, being alone.”
The words rang in Noelle’s mind, loud as speech, even though she was at her desk instead of back at the witness’s house. Because people couldn’t stand awkward silences and not asking weird questions, Noelle’s marriage (or lack thereof) had come up. The witness, an older woman named Wilma, had looked distraught.
Blasted society’s obsession with the bloody mark on her wrist. Aggressively she rubbed a thumb over the black symbol. It didn’t smudge, didn’t change one tiny margin. It was branded into her skin, part of her. It would never leave.
“Meeting with the lawyer tomorrow,” Loryn said, jolting Noelle out of her thoughts.
“Two pm, right?” Noelle asked, grabbing her notepad and scribbling it at the top.
“Yes.” Loryn was quiet for a moment, her eyes boring into the back of Noelle’s neck. “Be careful what you say on the stand.”
Noelle spun around to face Loryn, wary. “Have I said something that would lead you to believe I would act otherwise?”
Loryn raised her eyebrows. “No.”
Noelle relaxed minutely.
“However, I know the defense lawyer in the case.” Loryn looked away from Noelle, focusing on the wall next to her head. “He is not known for his ethical tactics.”
Noelle studied her face. What did she mean by that? “Thanks,” she said finally. Loryn nodded and disappeared.
“I’ll be in the audience for the trial,” Riley said. Noelle nearly threw the file she had been holding, startled.
“Good to know,” she said after a moment of regaining her composure.
Riley nodded. “At least it’s not high profile.”
Yet.
“Could be worse,” Noelle agreed. She carefully closed the case file she had been reading and sat it on top of her notes for the meeting tomorrow. “Any tips for the meeting with the lawyer? Loryn said the defense lawyer’s - different.”
“Who is it?” Riley asked.
“She didn’t say.” Noelle picked up the case notes, rummaging through it. “It probably says somewhere in here.” Flicking through a few pages, it took Noelle a few moments to find the information she was looking for. “Marius Mercado.” She frowned. “Strange name.”
“Huh.” Riley stared into the distance, thinking. “Don’t recognize the name.” He shrugged. “Aaron’s guilty, you know it, we know it. Testify like you always do, and everything will work out.”
Noelle nodded absently. Still, there was something about Loryn’s warning that nagged at her. Unethical? What could he try, attempt to get the confession thrown out? “I’ll keep you posted.”
“That you do, kiddo.” Riley smiled at her and then headed towards his own office, likely to do paperwork. Noelle glared at the small stack that had accumulated on her desk. With no promising leads, she might as well get the tedious bit out of the way now. Maybe something would look fresher tomorrow.
Noelle parked and got out of her car, slinging her leather purse over her shoulder and using her keys to lock her vehicle. Hearing the requisite beep, she turned and headed towards the familiar yellow building. In through the main doors, down the hall, second door to the right. Sara was already there, sitting in the same chair she sat in every week. Noelle couldn’t help but smile when she saw her girlfriend.
Sara was half-turned and staring out the window, at the sparse trees and greenery that were situated behind the building. “Not much to look at, is it?” she said, conversational, as Noelle grew closer.
“Better than the rest of downtown,” Noelle replied, settling down into the chair to Sara’s left. Sara turned to face her, her thin lips curving into a smile.
“Do you work tomorrow?” she asked.
“Meeting at two,” Noelle replied. “Otherwise I’m off. Then Friday night shift. Might need to go in bit before the meeting to shuffle some paperwork.” She made a face.
“I’m taking you out,” Sara said, keeping her voice low. She fell silent as Michaela, the leader of the Loss Meeting, moved closer to them.
“I’m glad to see you two have formed such a close friendship.” Michaela smiled widely.
Noelle glanced at Sara, mildly perplexed, and then back at Michaela. “It’s been quite beneficial,” she said.
Michaela had her back to Sara, so only Noelle could see the face she made. “I do believe Noelle has quickly become my closest friend.” Sara smiled politely as Michaela turned to look at her. “She’s certainly made it worth coming to Loss Meetings every week.”
Michaela looked from one to the other, then raised her eyebrows. “Does that mean you’ll actually speak to the group?”
“One can only hope,” Sara said, her smile icy. “I do believe it’s time to start.”
Michaela narrowed her eyes at Sara and then glanced at Noelle. “I dare say that Ms. McClaire still has work to do on her manners.” She headed back to the front of the room.
Noelle leaned in closer to Sara so that she couldn’t be overheard. “Did you need to bait her?”
Sara shrugged. “She’s everything I hate about this system.” She smiled wickedly, just for a moment. “Besides, it’s fun to watch her get all huffy.”
Noelle swatted her shoulder, grinning despite herself. “Don’t get yourself in trouble.”
“What are they going to do, send me to more meetings?” Sara raised her eyebrows.
Noelle had to concede the point. “Still.”
“Do you have plans?” Sara asked suddenly, her voice low but loud enough to be heard over Michaela’s starting the meeting. Noelle shook her head. “Good.” She glanced around. “Meet me at my place after the meeting.”
“We’ve got plans?” Noelle asked quietly.
“Secret ones.” Sara smiled briefly and then schooled her expression into the reverent, solemn expression she normally wore during their meetings. Noelle eyed her, curious, and then turned back to Michaela. The meeting had begun.
Noelle didn’t have to wait for Sara. The black-haired woman was waiting downstairs, tapping notes into her mobile phone. “So where are we going?” Noelle asked as she locked her car.
Sara tapped the side of her nose. Noelle rolled her eyes; Sara had been watching too many detective movies. “It’s a secret.”
“You’re driving then?” Noelle raised her eyebrows, slinging her purse over her shoulder. It was oddly warm for late summer. She almost felt too warm in her light sweater.
“Yes.” Sara crooked a finger at Noelle. “First I want a proper hello.” She smiled, teasing.
Noelle rolled her eyes melodramatically and then walked towards Sara, butterflies fluttering in her stomach. She leaned in and gave Sara a kiss - a long, lingering one that made her head swim and her body feel warm. “Hello,” she murmured against Sara’s lips.
“That was better than I expected,” Sara said. Noelle pinched her hip lightly. “Oi!”
“Oi yourself,” Noelle retorted.
“Did you eat before the meeting?” Sara asked, her light green eyes sparkling.
“No.” Noelle rubbed her stomach. “I regret that now.”
“Don’t worry.” Sara leaned in and kissed her. “Let’s go.”
Sara slid easily into the driver’s side while Noelle got in the passenger side. Sara’s car was nicer than Noelle’s, with a display that showed the area behind them as they backed up. “Fancy gadgets,” Noelle said, impressed.
“First new car I’ve ever gotten,” Sara said absently, peer
ing over her shoulder and consulting the display as she backed into the parking lot. “Quite like it, though.”
“It’s nice,” Noelle agreed, trying not to think of her older and less fancy vehicle. Would Sara think badly of it?
“Bit ridiculous, all the features. But it gets good gas mileage.” Sara cranked the car into gear and started forward.
Noelle nodded, turning out look out the window and watch the buildings go by. Without thinking about it she tracked where they were going, recognizing cross streets and landmarks from her police training. She couldn’t necessarily navigate, but she knew where she was.
It wasn’t long before they stopped at a small, quiet-looking restaurant that had a sign on the front. Remy’s Restaurant, read the sign. Noelle’s stomach grumbled. Sara laughed. “Don’t worry, it’s dinner time.”
“Good.” Noelle patted her stomach. “I might have faded away otherwise.”
Sara snorted and put the car in park. “Let’s go, Miss Wasting Away.”
Noelle grinned to herself and got out of the car, grabbing her purse. “I didn’t know this place existed.” She looked over the dark-colored restaurant. It was made of brown wood, an oddity in a city prone to fire.
“Most people don’t.” Sara slid an arm around Noelle’s waist and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “That’s what makes it so good.”
Together they walked into the restaurant, Sara letting go of Noelle’s waist and taking her hand instead once they made it inside the building. It was a nice restaurant, but not imposingly so, with homey decorations on the walls and light-colored wood tables.
Sara let go of Noelle to embrace the woman behind the counter, chattering to her in a language Noelle didn’t know. French, maybe? They exchanged kisses on the cheek before Sara pulled back and gestured to Noelle. “This is Noelle. Noelle, this is Remy, owner of this fine little restaurant.”
Remy was a tall, lean woman with cheekbones so sharp that Noelle wondered if one could cut themselves on them. Her hazel eyes lit up when she smiled. She had the same thin lips as Sara. “It’s nice to meet you - Noelle, is it?”