by Erin Trejo
“Nah. I moved down here from California.”
She turns to look at me with a slight smile.
“Really? Trading one hot climate for another?”
She seems genuinely interested.
“Somethin’ like that. Too many old ghosts back there,” I say as I point to my face.
She nods as if she understands before she leans back against the exam table and crosses her arms over her chest.
“What happened to you?”
“My mom was runnin’ a meth lab with her boyfriend. Shit blew up when they were both fucked up out of their minds. I was a little too close to the action,” I tell her as I remember that day like it was only yesterday. I can still remember the smell of my burning skin as I screamed and cried out for help.
“Christ that had to be scary for a kid.”
“It was. It was made even worse when my mom didn’t even wake up to find out what had happened. She died in that house.” Her eyes fall for a second before they come back up to meet mine.
“I’m sorry. Is that why you moved?”
“No. I lived in foster homes after that. The last one I lived in, well, let’s just say it ended kinda badly.”
She nods her head as if she can understand, but she can’t. There’s no fucking way anyone could understand what I had to endure while I was there. I still don’t fully understand it. The memories come flooding back like someone opened the goddamn flood gate. I sway on my feet and move to the wall so that I can stand against it and hold myself up. Kyza rushes toward me and wraps her hands around my arms.
“Are you okay? You don’t look so good. You need to sit down,” she says trying to usher me over to a chair.
After a second I let her. Once I sit I try to clear my head, but I can’t. I see him. It was him standing over my bed wearing a smirk like he’d won. There was blood. It was everywhere. Blood coated my skin and covered the pajamas I wore. There was so much fucking blood. I shake my head a few times, but I need to get out of here. I can’t handle this shit.
“I gotta go,” I say as I’m reaching for the IV.
“Don’t pull that out,” she gasps.
“I need to fuckin’ go.”
She nods her head and reaches for my arm. She raises a finger to me tell me to hold on a second before she moves across the room. She grabs a few bandages and bottles from a cabinet and comes back over to me. She sets the items in my lap and works to remove the IV from my arm, placing a band aid over the small wound. My heart is still pounding inside of my chest and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she heard it. She looks up at me through those big blue eyes, and I have to stifle my instinct to cringe. His eyes were that same color of blue. This is messing with my head. Fuck!
“At least take these pills like the bottle instructs.” I’m about to open my mouth when she stops me, “Please.”
The begging I can see in her eyes is what makes me snap. I lift my hand to her cheek and nod. There’s something dark in this girl, something that doesn’t belong there.
“I’m sorry. Whatever happened to you, I’m sorry,” my voice almost a whisper as a single tear falls down her cheek.
I remove my hand, shove out of the chair, and storm from the room and down the hall. I don’t stop until I’m outside and I can catch my breath. I grab my cell to call Viking and tell him to get someone over here to pick my ass up.
Four
Kyza
Each day forward is one more day away from my past. That’s the best I can do for now. I’ve closed myself off from those days, but that man brought every single second of my old life rushing back in a matter of seconds. I hate him for being able to do that to me. No one has ever broken through that barrier, and I let a complete stranger do it. It pissed me off at first, but then I just became angrier. I tried not to take it out on Paul, but I found myself snapping at him far too many times. I hate myself for that too. I’m whining as we speak and that just pushes my even more.
“I don’t want to go,” I whine a little more.
“Too bad. If I’m going then you are too,” he grins at me.
“Why are you going anyway?” I ask, looking up at him as he continues to drive down the road.
“The club made a very generous donation to the clinic and asked me to come to the cookout.”
“The club? What kind of a club?”
“MC. Motorcycle Club. These boys aren’t exactly on the legal side of the law,” he explains.
“I think I got that much when the man with the infected gunshot wound was staying in the office. So why are we going again?” I tease him.
“We’re making an appearance. We don’t have to stay. It’ll be fun and Monster asked if you would come.”
“He what?” I’m surprised that he even remembered me really.
“He asked if you would be coming with me and I said I’d gladly bring you along.”
“Why would he care if I was there?”
Confusion. That’s what I feel. He doesn’t know me. I damn sure don’t plan on knowing him.
“How the hell should I know? I just do as I’m asked Kyza, just go with it. Who knows? You might have some fun. Maybe make some friends.”
“Is that what this is about? You think I don’t have any friends?” I ask as I cross my arms over my chest.
“Do you?” he asks glancing at me briefly before turning back to the road.
“Well no, but that’s not the point. I don’t like people,” I say trying to get the attention off me. I should have just kept my big mouth shut.
“Kyza you work with people every day. You seem just fine to me.”
“It’s all a front; I really don’t like people.”
Paul laughs before he turns and pulls up to a set of gates. It’s almost laughable that he claims this is an illegal club. It’s right in the heart of town.
“You’re joking?” I ask as I look over at him.
It isn’t until the gates open that I realize that this is in fact not a joke at all. Paul pulls in and I watch as the gates close behind us. I wonder if we’re prisoners now? This is not okay with me, not by any means.
“There are gates Paul,” I snap when he shifts the truck into park. He laughs and climbs out, moving to my side Paul opens my door and helps me out.
“It’s for protection Kyza. It’s fine,” he tries to reassure me.
“Yeah, because that makes me feel so much better,” I hiss and he just laughs even harder. “If you need a damn gate for protection then I don’t think we should be here.”
“They won’t let anything happen to you while you’re here,” he shrugs, wraps an arm around my shoulder, and starts leading me toward the massive building. A sick feeling dances in my stomach as I walk along. This is a bad idea. I can already feel it.
“This is crazy,” I mumble under my breath.
“No, this is payback for letting our patient leave early.”
My mouth falls open as I look up at him. His dark eyes crinkle in the corners as he smiles back at me. He’s no doubt trying to hold in his laughter.
“You saw that man. I couldn’t have stopped him even if I’d tried,” I snap.
“Well, you didn’t try very hard,” that deep voice says.
I turn my head and see Monster. He’s standing in the light of day right in front of us. His shaggy hair is hanging around his face, but he looks better than he did before.
“Are you kidding me?”
Monster just shakes his head and brings his beer to his lips as I watch. There is something sexy about the way he does it, and I know I shouldn’t be thinking about it, but damn. He swallows a lot and his throat is bobbing as I watch him dumbfounded.
“You could have tied me to the bed,” he suggests softly while moving closer to me.
My heart leaps into my throat as Paul laughs, slaps a hand on Monster’s shoulder and turns to walk away. What a traitor! I can’t believe he just left me with this… this… Monster.
“You might have gotten hard if I’d done
that,” I respond while rolling my eyes.
Monster groans and steps closer to me. His body is pressing into mine. I can feel his hard on and it isn’t small.
“I might have gotten one from just lookin’ at you in those jeans,” he murmurs as he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me impossibly closer.
I look up into his dark eyes and my breathing picks up speed. He smells like mint, cigarettes, leather, and sexy.
“I’m here with Paul in case you forgot,” I tell him as I reach up to place my hands on his chest to push him back.
The only thing I get is a growl low in his throat. Jesus, this man is so hot and cold. At the clinic he didn’t even want the lights on, but now he’s ready to fuck me in the parking lot?
“You ain’t with Paul. You work with him. Big difference darlin’.”
“Well, I’m not looking for a quickie, so thanks anyway.” He chuckles and it vibrates through me. A shiver races down my spine as he releases me and nods.
“Fair enough. Come on, I’ll introduce you.”
He steps back and starts walking toward the building as I follow him. I look around at all the people milling about. Most of them are wearing the same cut that he is. I learned that word at the clinic when another biker came in. I don’t think he’s with this club though. The colors weren’t the same.
As soon as I step inside the building, music rattles my insides. There are people everywhere. They’re dancing, fucking and drinking. Fucking yep, they’re fucking right there on the pool table.
“Don’t mind them,” Monster leans in to tell me over the music.
Don’t mind them? They are fucking right here in front of god and everyone. I drag my gaze away and follow Monster through the room. More than once I’m bumped into and smirked at by guys. Some of them I wouldn’t mind, but others? No fucking thank you. A few of them look like serial killers that might hack me up while I’m asleep.
“This is Carnie. She’s Viking’s old lady,” Monster says. I smile and offer my hand to the girl holding her hand over her very pregnant belly.
“Nice to meet you.”
“I’m Kyza,” I tell her.
She looks up at Monster, raises her eyebrow, and then looks back to me.
“I’ve heard about you,” she says.
I’m about to ask her how and from whom when Monster stops me.
“Enough Carn.”
She smirks at him, and walks off while throwing a little wave as she goes. This is too much, I can’t do this. I can’t breathe.
Five
Monster
I watch Kyza’s eyes as they dart around the room. I’ve kept an eye on her the whole time she’s been here. She seems uncomfortable even though she has no reason to be. No one has bothered her, and I’ve kept her pretty close just for that reason. However, she looks skittish. I can’t remember how much she’s had to drink, but she’s looking a little tipsy.
“You okay?” I lean in and ask her when her eyes dart to mine. There’s some kind of fear in them, but I can’t place it.
“I can’t breathe,” she whispers softly, but I caught it. I nod, grab her hand, and lead her down the hallway. When I get to my room I open the door and usher her inside. She doesn’t hesitate to go in, but when I close the door behind her she spins quickly and locks her gaze with mine.
“Bathroom’s in there if you need it,” I tell her nodding toward the door.
She nods slowly and I see her blue eyes sparkling before she goes in and closes the door behind her. I sit on the edge of my bed and run my hand through my hair. I don’t know why I asked Paul to bring her here. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking except I couldn’t get the way she looked at me that night out of my head. She didn’t act afraid or repulsed, and I want to know why. The door to the bathroom slowly opens and Kyza walks out.
“Are you okay?” she asks me when I should be the one asking her that question.
“I wanna ask you somethin’ and I want you to be honest with me.”
“Of course.”
I stand from the bed and glare at her. I’m thinking there has to be some kind of ulterior motive here. There has to be a reason she’s acting like seeing the scars on my face is perfectly normal.
“You looked at me that night. You didn’t let your gaze drop down to my scars. Why?”
Kyza looks confused, but her eyes stay locked on mine. Even now she isn’t looking at them. It unnerves me.
“Why would I? For one, the scars are a part of you, and two, they don’t make a difference to me. Why would I stare at them?”
She crosses her arms and waits for me to answer her. She’s lying; she has to be. My scars are the first thing everyone sees.
“What did you see that night you looked up at me?”
“What is this about?” She asks unsure where I’m going with this, and fuck me I’m not sure either, to be honest.
“Answer me. What did you see?” I growl a little louder this time.
Kyza takes a step toward me and I almost lose it. I want to snap at her and shove her away, but there’s something about this girl that just seems to invade my sense of control.
“I saw a man. He was a man that was sick and he needed help. I saw a gorgeous man that had no idea what to do with himself when someone didn’t comment about what has undoubtedly made him who he is today. I saw a person. A human with emotions. I saw a darkness in those brown eyes that I think mimics my own.”
My breath catches in my throat as I watch her watch me. It’s an intense moment. I’m almost afraid to break it, but something snaps inside of me and I move. I rush her and wrap one arm around her waist and the other around the back of her neck, crushing her lips to mine. I take her, devour her. Hell, I own her in this moment. Nothing has ever felt so right in my life, yet it’s so wrong at the same time.
Kyza tenses in my arms, but I can’t stop myself. How the hell did she look at me that way? When I pull away from her lips I can see they’re swollen and red. We’re both breathing heavily, but neither of us knows what to say.
“I should go,” she whispers softly.
I nod my head, but I don’t want to let her go. I want to keep her here and have her continue to look at me like I’m normal. I want her to look at me like I’m worth more than the scars on my body say I am. There’s an ache in my chest. I haven’t felt it in a very long time and I’m not sure I like it there now. I want it gone. I want her to stay. I don’t know what the hell I want any more. When she goes to move I let her. I let her walk away from me and toward the door.
“Why?” Leaves my mouth before I can stop it, causing her to stop and look back over at me.
“Why what?”
“Why would you say that? Why would you lie to me?”
Anger courses through my veins. I don’t know where it’s coming from, nor do I know how to stop it. I’ve been down this road before with women. What do they want from me? I don’t fucking know, but it always ends and the scars are thrown in my face. It’s evil at its fucking finest.
“I’m not lying to you.”
“You are. You’re lyin’ and I wanna know why.”
Kyza starts at the tone of my voice and reaches for the door handle. She isn’t leaving yet.
I need answers. Answers that I know somewhere deep inside of me that she doesn’t have. How could she? I move quickly and slam my hand against the door to keep it closed. Kyza jumps up and screams. I start to reach for her when the door is shoved open. I stumble back as the door slams into me. Both Viking and Grinder are standing there looking between the two of us. Kyza is in tears with her arms wrapped around herself as Grinder comes into my room. He pulls her toward him, but she’s hesitant.
“It’s okay darlin’.”
“What is this shit?” Viking asks looking between us again.
I run my hand through my hair and sigh.
“I don’t fuckin’ know.”
“You don’t fuckin’ know? You’ve got a girl in here screamin’ like you’re tryi
n’ to kill her and you don’t fuckin’ know?” Viking roars. Grinder has Kyza pulled into his chest trying to soothe her.
“I didn’t fuckin’ hurt her.”
“Then why the fuck is she screamin’?” Viking asks as he moves closer to me. His face softens slightly as he seems to see what my problem is. “This isn’t the way to get them brother. She doesn’t know what’s got you so fucked in the head Monster. What are you doin’?”
“I fucked up. I just wanted answers,” I tell him.
“I’m takin’ her out of here,” Grinder adds.
Viking nods his head and I’m about to say no, but I can’t. I have no right to keep her here. What the hell is wrong with my fucking head?
“You wanna explain this shit?”
“She was at the clinic when I was there. I scared her one night when I walked in on her. She didn’t say shit to me Viking. Didn’t ask. She didn’t even look at them.”
“I don’t get it brother. I really don’t. You met a woman who doesn’t look at your scars, ask questions or lose her shit and you have a problem with that? Women usually asks you about them and then you lose your shit. What the fuck do you want here man?” Viking asks raising his arms out to his sides.
I wish I knew. I wish to fuck I had an answer to his question, but I don’t. Viking backs away and leaves me alone in my room.
“Fuck!”
I hate that I’m fucked in the head the way I am. With everything in me I hate that these fucking scars still hold so much power over me even after all of these years. I’ve seen fucking shrinks like I was told to do; I did the fucking counseling and I’m still just as screwed up as ever.
I head into the bathroom and wash my face and try to calm my breathing before I head back out to the party. I shouldn’t have messed with her. I shouldn’t have asked Paul to even bring her here to begin with.
“You okay?” Mason asks when I step up next to him at the bar.
“Yeah. Lost my shit a little.”