Friends Without Benefits

by Marci Bolden

  She opened the door. “What are you doing here, Mitch?”

  “I’m sorry. I know I should have called first. Is Sam here?”

  “No, he’s at work.”

  “May I come in?”

  She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the door. “I’m tired and—”

  “Five minutes. Please. Just give me five minutes.”

  She hesitated before gesturing for him to enter. He stepped in and took a long time to wipe his feet before moving into the living room. He stopped and stared at the boxes, taking in the almost empty room before looking at her.

  “You’re really doing it, huh?”

  Dianna moved around him. “I don’t have a choice.” She picked up two books she’d set aside and showed them to him. “I wasn’t sure what to do with these. What’s the post-divorce protocol for wedding albums?”

  He stared at her. The silence was thick and heavy, and Dianna almost told him to leave if he didn’t have anything to say.

  But then he did say something. “I’m sorry.”

  Her lip trembled. “Your apology is way too late.”

  He lowered his face. “I’m not proud of what I did.”

  “Oh, well, that’s a shame because you did it so well.”

  “I left her. I couldn’t be with her anymore.”

  She thought her heart stopped beating for a moment. Part of her wanted to sigh with relief. The other wanted to laugh in his face. She did neither. She dropped the albums carelessly on the floor. “If you came here looking for a place to sleep, you need to leave.”

  “Mom’s getting her guest room ready for me. I just wanted you to know that it’s over. It’s done.”

  “Why do you think I care?”

  He looked at the wedding albums on the floor. The photos that she’d so carelessly tossed aside, just as he’d done to her. She suspected what he was going to say before he even said it. They may have been apart for the better part of a year, but she still knew him, still knew how his mind worked.

  “I don’t know what I’ve been doing. It’s like I lost my mind. Seeing Sam hurt, seeing you suffering… It snapped me out of whatever daze I’ve been living in. I love you, Dianna. I love you, and I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”

  She hated that he could still stir so much emotion in her. His sad eyes, his pleading face, his pathetic words—they all tugged at her and made her feel weak inside. She had to take a moment to steel herself against him. “Well, you did, Mitch. You tore me apart, and you walked away without a care in the world.”

  “I regret everything I said and did. I wish I could take it back. All of it.”

  “But you can’t.”

  “She made me feel wanted,” he said after a minute. “It’s stupid and selfish.”

  “It’s stereotypical,” Dianna spat. “You poor, poor man with your little midlife crisis. How difficult your life must have been living in this beautiful house with your devoted wife and children.”

  “Maybe it is stereotypical, Di, but it’s what I was going through. I made a mistake, but I can fix it.”

  “What do you expect me to do, Mitch? Pretend you didn’t leave me?”

  “No, but you could try to forgive me. We could get our lives back.”

  She walked away from him, suddenly feeling deflated. “Even if I did forgive you, I’d still remember. How could I possibly be with you without remembering where you’ve been? I saw you with her. I can’t forget that. Believe me. I’ve tried.”

  “Couples can move on after adultery.”

  She sat on the sofa and shook her head. “I can’t trust you.”

  “We could see a counselor. We could get help. Whatever it took.”

  “Why didn’t you do whatever it took before you divorced me?”

  “Because I was an idiot.”

  Dianna grabbed the wineglass she’d been sipping from earlier, gulped what was left in it, and then set it down. As she did, he dropped a photo of their wedding day onto the coffee table. Their wedding had been a lavish event, despite the fact that she was pregnant. She was barely showing, just a slight paunch.

  “Do you remember that day?” he asked.

  “Of course.”

  “I sneaked into the room where you were getting dressed, and you almost started crying because you said we didn’t need any more bad luck.”

  She smiled slightly. “You told me you got the job at the investment agency.”

  “I said I could afford to take care of us and you could stop worrying about how we were going to afford the baby.”

  “We moved into that horrible apartment building.”

  “Then we bought this place. Just two years later. We started a life here. Here in our home.”

  She lowered her face and covered it with her hands. She didn’t want him to see her cry, but damned if she could stop her tears these days.

  He brushed his hand over her hair, and she pulled away. It didn’t feel right for anyone but Paul to touch her like that.

  “Dianna,” Mitch whispered, “we’ve had such a great life here. I know I ruined it. I know you’re hurt and angry. I wish I’d come to my senses sooner. I wish I’d realized my mistake sooner. But I did realize my mistake. Take the house off the market. Give me a chance. We can rebuild our life here, just like we built it before. It’s not too late.”

  “You hurt me so much.”

  “I know. And I promised on our wedding day that I wouldn’t. I swore that I’d always take care of you, and I didn’t. I let you down, but I’ll never let you down again.”

  She thought about his words for a moment before she grabbed her wineglass and walked around the coffee table. Without a word to him, she headed for the kitchen. She was refilling her glass, thinking of how stupid she’d be to take him back, when he put his hands on her shoulders.

  “Why did you leave her?” she demanded.

  “Because I missed you.”

  She turned and held his gaze. “If you want another chance with me, you damned well better be honest when I ask you a question.”

  He sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets. “She wasn’t what I thought she was. When we were…”

  “Committing adultery?”

  “She thought I was great. Then we started planning a life together, and it was so far from what I wanted. It was like she didn’t care about me. She just cared about…”

  “Your money so she could live the life she wanted?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And now that you see that…what? You realize that things weren’t so bad here, so you might as well come back?”

  “No.” He took her left hand and rubbed his thumb over her bare ring finger. “I realize that nobody will ever be better suited for me than you. I should have told you what I was feeling. I should have given our marriage a chance. I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am that I didn’t.”

  “And how do I know you won’t do it again?”

  “Because I know what life is like without you. It was horrible. She was horrible.”

  Dianna couldn’t stop the soft laugh that left her. “I’ve heard.”

  “Oh, right. Paul.”

  She looked up at him, and her smile faded as she took in his. He was discounting her. Paul. Their relationship. She pulled her hand from him. “Yeah. Paul.”

  “I guess that’s another thing I should apologize for. Bringing him into your life.”

  She creased her brow. “What?”

  “Michelle told me how clingy he is. You won’t have to worry about that now.” He brushed her hair back, tucking it behind her ear. “I’m sure she’ll go running back to him. She needs someone to pay for her manicures.”

  His words stabbed at her heart. She had done her best not to think of Michelle standing on Paul’s porch, begging him to take her back. He’d stopped short of telling Dianna he’d take her back. “He’s not clingy.” She pushed Mitch’s hands from her. “He’s considerate. There’s a difference.”

  “Right. It doesn’t
matter. It doesn’t concern us.” He put his finger under her chin and tilted her head back. “All that matters now”—he dipped his head—“is us.”

  Dianna turned her face, and his breath fell on her cheek. He sighed as she turned her back on him and refilled her wineglass.

  “What did you do when you found out our divorce was final?” she asked.

  He was quiet.

  Finally, she faced him. “What did you do when you found out you were no longer married to me?”

  “I took Michelle out for dinner.”

  “To celebrate?”

  He nodded. “We decided that if her divorce was final in time, we’d get married New Year’s Eve.”

  “Did you feel any remorse?”

  “Of course I did. I just didn’t want to think about it.”

  “You didn’t want to think about it?” She laughed softly, walked back to the living room, and looked out the window again. When she saw his reflection, she spun. “I sat right there”—she pointed at the couch—“and cried. For hours. Sam was so concerned about me that he called Paul. He dried my tears and gave Sam money to go buy us dinner because I couldn’t even get off the couch to feed our son.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You keep saying that!”

  “It’s true.”

  “I’m sure it is, but I don’t know why you’re sorry. Are you sorry for the pain you caused me and your children, or are you sorry that your relationship with Michelle didn’t work out and now you’re all alone?”

  “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “Don’t you dare say that. You cheated on me. You divorced me. You can’t do those things to a person without hurting them, so, yes, you did mean to hurt me.”

  “We were so unhappy, Dianna.”

  Tears burned her eyes and spilled down her cheeks. “Maybe we were complacent. Maybe we were content. Maybe we were even boring, but that was our life. That was the life we had built together. If you hated it so much, you should have told me. You should have tried to make it better.”

  “I didn’t know.”

  “You didn’t know what?”

  He took a breath, and when he spoke again it was calmer. “I was selfish. I was only thinking of myself and what I thought would make me happy. I guess I thought that you’d just…be okay. In my mind, you were carrying on as you always had.”

  “I’ve been going through hell.” She didn’t want to admit that to him, but she couldn’t keep it in any longer. “You put me through hell. There were times I couldn’t pay the bills. I couldn’t put gas in my car. I’d see our old friends, and they’d turn the other way, like they didn’t even know me. Do you know how degrading that is?”

  “I’d like to try to make it up to you.”

  “How?”

  He took her hands and pulled her onto the couch next to him. “You could keep the house, Di. You wouldn’t have to move.”

  “Mitch—”

  “I know you’re not ready for me to come home. That’s not what I’m saying.” He grasped her hands when she started to pull away. “Take the house off the market. I’ll pay the mortgage, the utilities, whatever you need while we work through this.”

  “I don’t—”

  “I can’t stand the thought of you selling our home. I know it will take time for us to work through this, but I will take care of you and the boys. All I want you to worry about is helping me fix us so we can get our life back.”

  “Mitch—”

  “You don’t even have to work if you don’t want to. I’ll take care of everything, Dianna. I owe you that much.”

  “May I speak?”

  He grinned slightly. “Sorry.”

  “The money is a huge issue, I’m not going to deny it. But that isn’t the only problem here. The trust is gone. I don’t even know how I feel about you anymore. I don’t know that a few weeks or months will change anything. And what if it doesn’t work out? I’m right back where I am now, with a house that I can’t afford.”

  “If it doesn’t work out, what have you lost? Besides a few months of living in the house that you love? I know we have a lot to work on, but can we try? Please.”

  She pulled her hands from him. “You have to give me time to think.”

  “Honey, we don’t have time. You have people lined up to buy the house. You have to pull it before they accept your counteroffer.”

  She exhaled and pushed herself up so she could pace for a moment. She didn’t have to commit to anything. She just had to agree to consider it. She just had to take some time to think. Time. Just like Paul had told her. She needed time—time to think, to breathe, to find her balance again.

  Mitch crossed the room to her. “Three months, Di. Let’s just take three months to think about things, to figure out where we stand and what we want. We’re already divorced, so if we decide it isn’t going to work, all we have to do is walk away. And during that time, you’ll have your home, Sam can finish high school in his house, and we’ll all have time to let the dust settle and see where we stand.”

  She closed her eyes, thinking of how much she had wanted Sam to finish school here. To have the security of his home for what was left of his childhood. That had always been her goal. From the time Mitch left, she had been determined to keep Sam here so he would have one less disruption in his life.

  “Even if I did decide to give you this time,” she said quietly, “we couldn’t just pick up where we left off. Don’t think I’m just going to automatically forgive and forget. You have to earn my trust.”

  “I can do that. I will do that. I’ll bring you a check tomorrow,” he said softly. “Enough to pay the mortgage and utilities.”

  She rubbed her forehead, trying to get her thoughts to stop swirling like an emotional tornado through her mind. “Not so fast. Give me some time to think. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  “Di—”

  “We’ll talk tomorrow.”

  “Okay. Just…the longer you wait, the more time the buyer will have to close the deal.”

  “I know. You should go.”

  He left her alone, and she pressed her palms against her eyes, not quite certain what had just happened.

  Paul wasn’t surprised when he opened the door to find Michelle standing on his porch. He’d been expecting her ever since Dianna told him that Mitch wanted to come home. If anything, he was surprised it had taken her until Saturday morning to show up. He sighed as she batted her eyes and let her tears flow freely down her cheeks.

  She sniffed dramatically. “May I come in?”

  He frowned and stepped aside.

  She walked in and gasped as she looked around. “Wh-What have you done?”

  “I redecorated.”

  She stopped at the entry to the living room. “Why?”

  “Because I hated the way it looked.”

  “Since when?”

  “Since the day you did it.”

  Her brow creased. “You never told me that.”

  “I wanted you to be happy.”

  Her face softened and she smiled. “I’ve missed that, you know? How you always put me first.”

  Paul didn’t answer. He didn’t have anything nice to say. Anger bubbled just below the surface as she pouted—a look that used to wrap him around her finger. Now it just pissed him off. He was certain she’d used that look on Mitch, too. Probably as she convinced him to leave Dianna and drove a wedge between him and his kids. Michelle hadn’t just hurt Paul—that he could get over. She’d hurt Dianna, Sam, and Jason. And that didn’t sit well with him.

  “I like this.” Michelle picked up a newly framed photo of Paul and his siblings. “This is a great photo. When was this?”

  “Christmas.”

  “You look happy in that picture.”

  Dianna had teased the siblings until they gave in, huddled close together, and smiled wide for her to take the photo. He couldn’t help but smile. It faded quickly, however.

  “It was a good day,” he said.

&
nbsp; “I’m sorry I missed it.”

  He wasn’t sorry she’d missed it. That had been the best Christmas he’d had in years, and he knew why. Because Michelle wasn’t there. Dianna had walked into his family gathering, and it had been smooth and peaceful and free of the tension Michelle had a way of bringing out. He had truly enjoyed the day. Dianna had made the day perfect, and she hadn’t even tried. She’d done it just by being there.

  Paul didn’t snap out of his thoughts until Michelle put her hand on his arm.

  “Did you hear me?” she asked.

  He shook his head slightly. “Sorry. What?”

  She gave him a sad smile. “I said I left him.”

  “You left him?”

  “He just wasn’t you.”

  He scoffed. “Wasn’t that the point? He was so strong and independent and didn’t smother you?”

  She pouted for him again. “I didn’t mean those things. I was angry.”

  “You were angry? You were leaving me for a man I didn’t even know you were having an affair with, but you were angry?”

  “He manipulated me. You have to know that he used me.”

  Paul cleared his throat. “What, uh, what led to this tragic breakup of yours?”

  “He just didn’t take care of me like you did.”

  “Hmm. Are you sure he didn’t leave you?” He smiled at the surprise on her face. “Mitch was at his ex-wife’s house a few nights ago, cooking her dinner and asking her to take him back.”

  Her eyes widened. “He did what?”

  Paul nodded.

  “That goddamned liar. He told me he was working late.”

  He smirked. “That’s what he used to tell her when he was with you. Ironic, isn’t it?”

  Michelle exhaled slowly, and then she stuck her lip out once more. “Do you see? Do you see how he treated me?”

  “You had an affair with a married man. A man who had been with his wife for half his life. What did you think was going to happen, Michelle?”

  “He said he loved me.”

  “Do you know who loved you?” he asked softly. “I loved you. Even though everything was always about you. Even though you always took and never gave back.”

  “I didn’t—”

  “You did. You did, but I still loved you. Because on the rare occasion that you actually appreciated what I did for you, you made me feel like I’d given you the moon. I’ve thought a lot about this moment, you know. About you coming home, about what I would say to you.”