Confessions Between Us

by Tina T. Kove

  ‘Yeah. Although Alex can’t quite remember it.’ He grinned down at me.

  ‘I think it would be difficult to decide if Alex or Glenn was worse off.’ Peter came further into the room as well.

  ‘Glenn was the worst off,’ Andreas said immediately.

  ‘He’s always worst off.’ Sarah rolled her eyes. ‘You complain about me, but I’m nothing to him.’ She eyed Peter. ‘Anyway, what’s a party without some memory loss, right?’ she quipped. ‘Or what?’ She nudged my shoulder.

  ‘Uh, yeah.’ Memory loss was not fun, truth be told.

  ‘We decided to stay in today, right?’ Peter looked at Andreas. ‘A quiet, chill afternoon before we have to leave later.’

  ‘That’s exactly what I was thinking.’ Andreas got off me and stood so he could face Peter properly.

  I pushed myself up into a sitting position so I, at least, could face Sarah. She smiled at me.

  ‘I was going to set out breakfast for us all.’ Her gaze didn’t even flicker downwards. ‘Make it a big, shared event we can all enjoy together. Want to help me?’

  She’d grabbed my hand before I’d even finished nodding. It startled me so much, I got out onto the floor with her.

  When she continued to pull me towards the door, I tried to protest. ‘I need my hoodie.’

  ‘Hoodie? It’s too hot in here, you’ll die with that on. Come on, no one cares.’ That could only be a reference to my arms.

  I glanced down at them. The red cuts and scars stood out amongst the rest of my pale skin.

  How could she not care about it?

  How could anyone not care?

  ‘Alex, truly, we don’t care.’ She looked at me sincerely. ‘And also, they don’t show as well as you probably think they do.’

  What was she on about? They showed well. You couldn’t avoid seeing them if you so much as glanced at my arm.

  ‘I’ve been trying to tell him that,’ Andreas said. ‘Maybe he’ll listen to you because he sure doesn’t listen to me.’

  Peter chuckled, turning away without so much as a glance down at my arms as well. It was only Glenn who seemed to have a problem with them then—but Glenn was also the one I wanted to stay on the good side of as much as I could.

  ‘Come on.’ Sarah tugged me towards the door.

  I gave up on my hoodie and let her drag me into the kitchen. If none of them cared, I reckoned I could deal with Glenn glancing at my scars from time to time. It wasn’t that long until we left, after all. I could survive a few hours in a T-shirt among Andreas’s friends. It was no big deal.

  It felt like a big deal though. Or maybe it felt like it should be a big deal.

  My thoughts were hard to understand at times. Most times. Which was why I was so confused about Glenn. Then again, he didn’t make any sense, so…

  I would enjoy our last day on holiday together. This might be the only time I got to spend with them like this. It wasn’t something I was used to and I was going to soak it in for as long as I could.

  It had been a nice holiday, even if I had spent every day inside the cabin. But that was what I liked doing, so they wouldn’t hear me complaining.

  And today everyone was staying in the cabin until we left.

  I was going to enjoy it. In my T-shirt. And I was going to try not to be so awkward about it.

  We were all freshly-showered once we sat down for breakfast. I’d set the table and put all the stuff from the fridge out on it, while Sarah had both boiled and fried eggs, and fried bacon. The table was filled with food, and it was not like any meal I’d ever had before.

  ‘So did I miss anything exciting last night?’ Sarah asked no one in particular, grinning at me.

  We’d ended up next to each other at the table. Glenn was on my other side, and Andreas, Peter, and Leo were all on the opposite side of the table.

  ‘Don’t think so.’ Peter shrugged as he smeared butter over two pieces of bread.

  ‘Nothing interesting happened?’ Sarah looked bummed about that.

  ‘Well, you did miss seeing Alex piss drunk.’ Andreas grinned at me.

  I groaned and looked down at my food. I didn’t even want to think about what I’d been acting like last night. Maybe not remembering was a good thing. Too bad they remembered. Hopefully, I hadn’t done anything too embarrassing.

  Andreas’s foot nudged me under the table.

  I smiled slightly as I glanced up at him.

  ‘How drunk were you?’ Sarah asked Peter.

  ‘Hey, Alex,’ Leo said in a low voice, drawing my attention away from Sarah and Peter’s conversation. ‘Did you ever hear back from Andreas?’

  ‘Oh! Yes.’ I pulled my phone out of my pocket and clicked in on the Messenger conversation. Then I turned the phone over and handed it to Leo so he could read it for himself.

  His eyes widened as he read. ‘Are kidding me? He’s in Aarvik?’

  I nodded. ‘You’ve been living in the same town for at least a year.’ Andreas hadn’t said how far into his education he was. But I was pretty sure he couldn’t be more than two years older than me, which meant that if he had been in the military as his profile picture suggested, he must be in the first year of his bachelor’s degree.

  ‘Wow, that’s—’ Leo’s eyes moved as he read the rest of the texts. ‘That’s insane.’

  ‘I know, right?’ I couldn’t help the smile stretching my lips. ‘Quite a coincidence.’

  ‘What’s that?’ Andreas asked, glancing between Leo and me.

  ‘Andreas—my cousin,’ I hurried to add. It was confusing having two people with the same name in my life. ‘He’s studying in Aarvik.’

  ‘What, for real?’ A smile spread on Andreas’s lips. ‘He’s been right there this entire time?’

  ‘Yeah.’ It was insane, to use Leo’s words. ‘We could’ve met him every time I visited you. We might have walked right past him without recognizing him.’

  Leo bobbed his head. ‘Yeah. That’s quite likely. Downtown isn’t big and there’s not a whole lot of different places to hang out.’ He pressed his thumb to Alex’s phone before lifting it closer to his face. ‘He doesn’t look all that familiar. Or, I mean, I can see it’s him now, but I wouldn’t have recognized him on the street.’

  ‘Me neither.’ To think I could’ve walked past him and not known it was him when I visited Aarvik.

  Andreas’s foot touched mine under the table again. Rubbing up against mine, was more accurate.

  That brought my fading smile back. Even if I hadn’t recognized my cousin before, I would now. We could meet and get to know each other. I’d have to visit Leo as soon as possible.

  Andreas’s foot stayed pressed up against mine. Maybe he was showing me his silent support. He was happy for me.

  Andreas was always happy for me.

  My gaze flickered to Glenn, who was sullen again. He rested his head in one hand, staring down at the food he was moving around on the plate with his fork. He didn’t seem to care at all about the conversation going on.

  My lingering feelings for Glenn had to go. For real.

  I liked Andreas so much. I had to pursue that head-on and not dwell in the past. Glenn wasn’t about to come out anytime soon anyway—which I got, I did. But I couldn’t wait around in the hopes he’d pick me whenever he did.

  I had a great guy right here and now. A guy who cared, a guy who’d done so much for me. I was pretty sure I loved him. A month and a half might be too soon to utter the L-word, but it was there floating inside me. I was certainly falling in love with him.

  I didn’t have the proper words to describe how much Andreas meant to me. Because of him—because of his friends too, they’d welcomed me into their group, but mostly because of him—I was happy.

  This was an entirely new feeling I wasn’t used to. I hadn’t ever been happy before.

  I was now.

  It was so good.

  And it was all thanks to him.

  Tuesday, February 26th

  ‘Peter’s
back in school.’

  I slid a little on the ice. To think that yesterday we’d woken up to white snow everywhere, and during the day it’d all turned to a watery mess that had then turned into ice.

  Typical shitty winter day, in other words.

  ‘Uhh…’ Andreas stopped.

  I almost walked into him since I was busy watching the ice we were walking on.

  ‘What is it?’ I peeked around his shoulder.

  And as he’d said, Peter was there, standing outside with Sarah.

  Both Peter and Glenn had been absent from school yesterday. We’d theorized the hang-over from the winter holiday had caught up with them.

  ‘I think they’re having a row.’ Andreas frowned slightly.

  Peter’s profile seemed grave and Sarah, who was standing with her back to us, was gesticulating with her hands. We were too far away to catch words.

  ‘Should we leave them be?’ We didn’t normally head in the front doors anyway, so we could just walk past at a good distance and head inside the side-door to the first-floor classrooms.

  ‘Yeah, I think so.’

  As we started walking again, the heated conversation to our right took a graver turn.

  ‘You fucking arsehole!’ Sarah almost screamed as she slung her backpack around to hit Peter’s side. He blocked his face with his hands as Sarah hit him with her backpack again.

  ‘What the hell?’ Andreas’s eyes were as wide as saucers.

  Sarah turned her back on Peter and strode off, towards us. Tears streamed down her face and it didn’t seem like she saw us at all as she hurried past.

  ‘Hey, Sarah—’ Andreas looked after her, then glanced at Peter, who was standing hunched over.

  ‘You go to him.’ I motioned to Peter. ‘I’ll go after her.’ I was closer to Sarah than Peter, so this was the way it had to be.

  Sarah hadn’t gone far. I found her sitting in one of the bus sheds a hundred metres away.

  ‘Hey, Sarah,’ I said in a low voice, trying not to startle her seeing as she had her face buried in her hands as she cried. ‘What’s wrong?’

  She lifted her head to look at me. Her freckled face was red and blotchy from all the tears. She didn’t say anything, just sobbed. Maybe she couldn’t right now.

  I buried my hands in my pockets, standing there all awkward, not sure what to do with myself. This was not a situation I was used to being in.

  She patted the wooden seat next to her and I perched tentatively on it.

  ‘What’s going on?’ This couldn’t just be a row. This seemed huge.

  ‘He cheated on me.’ Her voice was hoarse and she wiped furiously at his eyes.

  He had what?

  When had Peter had time for that?

  ‘Wha—when?’

  ‘Sunday night.’ She sniffled. ‘He went out with Glenn that night. That’s why they weren’t at school yesterday. They were hung-over.’

  ‘Why would they go out on a Sunday night after we’ve spent a whole week drinking?’ The winter holiday had just ended.

  ‘I know, right?’ Sarah’s voice was shrill and she wrapped her arms around herself as she rocked a little. ‘That fucking dick. He got drunk and couldn’t keep it in his pants and he—’ Another sob left her. ‘I could kill him.’

  ‘You shouldn’t do that.’ I inched a little closer to her. ‘But you are perfectly within your right to be angry with him.’

  ‘I broke up with him.’ She sniffled again. ‘Not in those words, I guess, but I reckon he got the memo.’

  If she was referring to hitting him with her backpack, then yeah, I was pretty sure he got it.

  ‘We’ve been together for so long.’ She blinked and more tears escaped to trickle down her cheek. ‘And he goes and does this?’ She wiped her face with her jacket. ‘It makes me wonder if he’s done it before. We’ve been together since first-year. That’s two and a half years.’

  That was a long time to be with one person. I’d never had anything last even close to that.

  ‘Don’t you think he would’ve told you if he had?’ Peter seemed like a good guy. Granted, I didn’t know him that well. But he had cheated on her two days ago and told her now, presumably because he hadn’t even been in school yesterday. If he had been, I’d like to believe he would’ve told her then.

  ‘I don’t know.’ She shook her head. She was shaking. It could simply be from the cold, but it could also be because she was emotional right now.

  I wondered what Peter was telling Andreas. If he had a reason for doing what he had or if it’d simply been an impulsive, drunken act.

  Sarah closed her eyes and she took several deep, calming breaths. ‘I don’t get it. We were good together. It’s not like we’ve been having problems or anything. Everything’s been good, and then he goes and does—’ She shook her head. ‘I just don’t get it. Fucking arsehole.’

  I had nothing to say to that, so I kept my mouth shut. This wasn’t my area of expertise. I’d never had a relationship before Adreas—not really. Glenn and I had lasted two weeks and it’d been more of a fling. We hadn’t gotten to know each other on a deeper level. And other than those two, all I’d had were sexual encounters that were all about sex and nothing else.

  ‘I thought he loved me.’ She sounded so broken.

  ‘I’m sure he does.’ Peter had been there for Sarah during the winter holiday. When she’d been drunk or hung-over, he’d been hovering around her. Taken care of her. Put her to bed. Gotten her painkillers. Leant her his clothes.

  ‘He can’t love me, not like I thought he did. Not if he goes and shags some other random girl.’ She shuddered.

  ‘Do you want to walk?’ She did look cold. I didn’t think it was because she was crying so much. ‘It’s freezing standing still.’

  She looked up at me, eyes wet and face red and blotched. ‘Yeah, okay.’ She nodded. ‘I’m not going to school today anyway. He ruined that.’

  We started walking. Sarah walked past the road I always walked home and took the one leading downtown instead.

  I followed along, wanting to keep an eye on her, make sure she was okay. Not that she was okay, or would be anytime soon, but… I just wanted to keep her company when she was having a hard time.

  ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen now.’ She crossed her arms under her chest and kept her head bowed. She was still crying.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘With Peter and me not together. Andreas and Glenn were Peter’s friends first, so they’ll choose him. They’re best friends. I’d expect nothing else. But that means I can’t hang out with you guys anymore.’

  ‘Of course you can.’ Sarah wasn’t going to be booted from the group. Not by Andreas, at least, I was certain of that.

  ‘I can’t hang out with them when they’re with Peter.’ She looked at me with wet eyes. ‘And they’re always together.’

  That was understandable.

  ‘I’ll hang out with you,’ I offered.

  ‘You’re kind.’ She smiled, a soft sigh leaving her. ‘But don’t you want to spend time with Andreas?’

  ‘I see Andreas every day. We live together.’ I buried my hands in my pockets. It was cold outside and they were starting to tingle. ‘I don’t have to be attached to him at school. Some people would be happier about it if I weren’t.’

  ‘You mean Glenn?’

  That was exactly who I’d been thinking about, yeah. I hadn’t seen Glenn since Sunday and there was that fine saying out of sight, out of mind. He had mostly been out of mind since then, being absent yesterday, but I sometimes found myself thinking about the confrontation in the kitchen. If I was right in my assumption or if I was monumentally wrong. It would be easy to misinterpret what he’d said, after all.

  ‘Glenn!’ Sarah exclaimed. ‘He would know what happened Sunday night.’ She straightened and pulled her phone out of her pocket.

  ‘Are you calling him?’ She obviously was as she put her phone to her ear. ‘Is he even in school?’

/>   ‘No answer.’ She frowned down at her phone. ‘He always has it on him at school. Maybe he’s home today too?’ She pursed her lips in thought. ‘We should go see him.’

  ‘Wha—no… is that such a good idea? If he’s sick...’ I didn’t want to see Glenn. All he did was make me confused.

  ‘Just a quick chat.’ Sarah started walking with more fervour.

  I trailed along, unable to come up with a good enough excuse not to see Glenn. It wasn’t like Sarah knew our history or about my conflicting emotions or any of that.

  ‘Didn’t Peter tell you what happened?’

  ‘He didn’t go into details.’ She frowned unhappily. ‘I want details. I want to know what happened. If he was out with Glenn, he can tell me.’

  ‘Unless he was so drunk he can’t remember,’ I pointed out. ‘If he’s home from school today as well, he must still be feeling unwell.’

  ‘He can still talk even if he’s hung-over.’

  I hung back as we reached Glenn’s house. It was a big house, speaking to the fact his parents had money.

  ‘I’ll just wait here.’ I shuffled uncomfortably at the bottom of the stairs.

  Sarah wiped tears as she turned to look at me, then she nodded and walked up to knock on the door herself.

  We hadn’t thought this through enough.

  It wasn’t Glenn who opened the door. Or his parents. It was his brother.

  I took several steps back, but that was another mistake since it brought Marcus’s attention to me.

  A small, evil smile tilted one side of his lip up.

  ‘Where’s Glenn?’ Sarah demanded, not backing down.

  Marcus looked at her, seeming to take in her emotionally fragile state. His wry smile hitched a little higher.

  ‘Glenn’s in the madhouse.’ He said that with no emotion whatsoever.

  ‘God, can you be truthful for once in your life?’ Sarah stomped back down the stairs and started around the house. Towards Glenn’s bedroom window.

  ‘He’s not going to open for you.’ Marcus looked after her smugly. ‘Because he’s not fucking there.’ With one last, fleeting look my way, he stepped back and slammed the door.