Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother's Soul

by Jack Canfield

  Sasha was soon one year old and cautiously toddling all over the house. Then she was riding ponies and swinging in the sunshine at the park. Our little blue-eyed beauty entered kindergarten and grew into a bright and strong-willed little girl. The years passed so quickly that my husband and I joked that we put our five-year-old daughter to bed one night and she woke up the next morning as a teenager.

  Those few years of adolescence and rebellion were not easy. There were times my beautiful yet angry teenager would dig her feet into the ground and yell. “You never loved me! You don’t care about me or want me to be happy!”

  Her harsh words cut at my heart. After one of my daughter’s angry outbursts, I suddenly remembered the little box of love letters tucked away in my bedroom closet. I found them and quietly placed them on her bed, hoping she would read them. A few days later, she appeared before me with tears in her eyes.

  “Mom, I never knew just how much you truly loved me—even before I was born!” she said. “How could you love me without knowing me? You loved me unconditionally!” That very precious moment became a bond of unity that still exists between us today because of those dusty old love letters.

  Judith Hayes

  Guilt-Free Parenting

  There are one hundred and fifty-two distinctly different ways of holding a baby—and all are right.

  Heywood Broun

  There are books out there touting theories of every aspect of parenthood, many of them conflicting (and many of them bestsellers!). This overabundance of advice is precisely why I have decided to add my own theory to the mix.

  It is simply this: The best parenting is Guilt-Free Parenting.

  In other words: Do the research, listen to the opinions, then choose to do exactly what works for you, your baby and your family, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it!

  Even if your baby isn’t born yet, you have probably been acquainted with the “good parenting by guilt” conundrum. In other words, “There is one right way to raise your child and if you don’t do it this correct way, your child will doubtless grow up to saw off his own shotguns.” Followed shortly by, “Society as a whole has not parented correctly and that’s why we’re in the trouble we’re in!” And you start feeling guilty pre-labor because you just know you’re going to mess up. Somehow.

  Well, you know what? You are. Everybody does. Kids survive. Become happy, productive members of society even. I can’t tell you how many great moms I know who are driven by guilt: They stay home; they don’t stay home. They allow television; they don’t allow television. They believe in the Family Bed; they’re strict Ferberians. Whichever you choose, you feel like society is coming down hard on your chosen side.

  Well, it shouldn’t. And even if it does, you have permission not to care.

  Being a mom is wonderful, and it is tough. So wonderful and so tough that we all need to stick together and applaud each other like mad, not trounce around trying to find someone who’s doing it worse than we are to make ourselves feel better.

  Let me give you some specific cases in point.

  I am a good mom. I adore my children and they, thankfully, adore me. (And will, I tell myself, even when they’ll turn fifteen and pierce something not yet thought of and threaten to leave home because their dad and I will never understand. Been there, threatened that.)

  But let me be more precise. I am a good not-full-time mom. Yes, I work outside the home (well, actually I work inside the home and send my children to play outside the home) and I have, part time, since each of my two children was six weeks old. I do it partly because I love my work and partly because the family can use the money. But I do it mostly because I’m a better mom that way. When I’m alone with my two adorable children twenty-four hours a day, they make me crazy. And I make them crazy in return. When I am away from them even a few hours, we are thrilled to see each other and have touching, hug-filled reunions. Yes, I was there to hear their first words, see their first steps, watch them eat their first Play-Doh. Even if you’re away forty hours a week, that leaves 128 at home. True, some of those remaining hours are at night, but anyone who thinks significant parenting doesn’t happen at night has never had a sick or frightened child.

  I come by this honestly. My mom, who is a great mother, was also a teacher. When she was working, she was much happier, and so were we. As they say, When Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

  Perhaps the most important thing I learned in my college sociology class was that God made people tribal animals, and we lived as such for centuries. This whole nuclear family thing—the idea that two people, a husband and wife, can fulfill every job for nurture and survival of the family themselves—is a fairly recent, very American development. Think about it. In the olden days (and still, in some places in the world), the extended family or village pooled its resources. The women who were talented in cooking spent their days with their like-minded sisters in the kitchens. The men who were skilled farmers hoed; those who had hunting skills hunted, those who could tailor, tailored. Aunts, sisters and cousins joined together to care for the kids. That gave you three or four women friends to chat with while you were cooking or cleaning or spinning or watching the children. (And your best friends were the women. This idea that your husband had to be your best friend as well as your mate is pretty recent, also. Being a good provider and bearer of good genes used to do it.)

  Now, we expect two people to have every single skill between them. We are such an individualistic society that we send two parents (or, God bless them, one parent) and children into their own dwelling and shut them in, expecting all the cooking, cleaning, wage-earning, food-gathering, child-caring, money-tending chores to be done between them, even if they are not skilled in many of these areas. It is a very rare mom who can be locked in a house with only short people for twenty-four hours a day and not go nuts.

  Now, I am not saying moms should immediately go out and work. Far from it! I think God gave some women the gift of mothering. There are some women who can be with children thirty-six hours a day and retire to their rooms worn out but happy. These women should immediately be named National Treasures, and we should offer them six-figure salaries to watch after our children. Seriously.

  Stay-at-home moms, you have my complete awe and respect. What you are doing is absolutely wonderful. And, not only that, you should have full permission to moan and complain when you need to and not have anyone think less of you for it. One of the main rules of Guilt-Free Parenting is that moms shouldn’t have to pretend their choice is perfect and defend it to the death. It’s hard to be a stay-at-home mom. It’s hard to be a working mom. And you should know moms who have made the other choice are as exhausted and often perplexed as you are.

  Working moms, enjoy your work, enjoy your kids. Does it bother me one bit that my kids call my child care provider Mommy Sara and me Mommy Mommy? Not one bit. They can never have too much love. Nor does it bother me when one of the kids comes home from Mommy Sara’s bumped and bruised from sledding or catscratched. (This usually happens just before a major holiday or portrait sitting.) I can’t expect more of Mommy Sara than I do of myself. Nor do I mind that she seems to think of Cheerios as a food group. I stuff enough salmon and broccoli into my kids to make up for it. (Our other family-care provider is a vegetarian nutritionist, so I think together they balance each other out.)

  (Plus, frankly, at college graduation, will they even remember Mommy Sara? Who knows? But I’ll sure be there, God willing, having footed the bill!)

  As far as other parenting choices: Breast feeding is great. If you can’t do it for whatever reason, your child will survive—all of us born in the 1950s did.

  And how about co-sleeping? That one will get a sprightly conversation going. We have one set of friends who believe mightily in the Family Bed; when I first met their two-year-old son, he had never spent the night in a bed without one or both of his parents. (He looked healthy and well adjusted. They looked exhausted.) We have other friends w
ho believe completely in the Dr. Ferber’s Method of teaching your child to be self-sufficient and sleep through the night in his or her own bed practically from the time he or she is born. Us? My husband and I are, once again, middle-of-the-roaders. My two-year-old daughter has just moved to a “big girl bed” and she comes padding in some nights when she’s scared. I love it. I love her little body close to mine and her shallow breath. (I love thinking that would-be kidnappers would have to find her first, then get past me to get her.) I also know her five-year-old brother did the same thing at two and now Santa and the Tooth Fairy singing a rock duet couldn’t wake him from his own bed.

  And the whole discussion of television. We have friends who let their four-year-old watch late night TV, and other friends who have chosen not to own a set. Frankly, I see the television simply as a medium which is neither good nor bad in itself; it’s the particular show that must be judged. (And, good news, there are some great kids shows these days! Check out Arthur and Blue’s Clues for starters. Little Bear also encourages mother-worship.) To our friends who have chosen not to own a set (and tried to make me feel guilty for choosing differently), I said, “We paid extra for an Off Button. And we use it.”

  But the main tenet of this Guilt-Free Parenting is to enjoy your children. Don’t be so worried about how to do it right that you don’t trust your instincts. Have fun together.

  Show them what they can do more often than telling them what they can’t. Take a good parenting class—there’s no use reinventing the wheel. Put together an extended community however and whenever you can. Never take anything a two-year-old says or does personally.

  Laugh a lot.

  Are my kids the best-behaved kids in America? Uh, no. (Do we try valiantly to teach them manners? You bet.) Could they speak French at three? Don’t think so. Potty-trained overnight? Nope.

  But a year ago I overheard our handyman say to his wife, “Those are the happiest darn kids I’ve ever seen!”

  You’ll have those moments too. When the choices you’ve made feel right. God bless you!

  Together we soldier on.

  Sharon Linnéa

  Who Is Jack Canfield?

  Jack Canfield is one of America’s leading experts in the development of human potential and personal effectiveness throughout the life span. He is both a dynamic, entertaining speaker and a highly sought-after trainer. Jack has a wonderful ability to inform and inspire audiences toward increased levels of self-esteem and peak performance at every stage of life.

  He is the author and narrator of several bestselling audio- and videocassette programs, including Self-Esteem and Peak Performance, How to Build High Self-Esteem, Self-Esteem in the Classroom and Chicken Soup for the Soul—Live. He is regularly seen on television shows such as Good Morning America, 20/20 and NBC Nightly News. Jack has coauthored numerous books, including the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Dare to Win and The Aladdin Factor (all with Mark Victor Hansen), 100 Ways to Build Self-Concept in the Classroom (with Harold C. Wells), 101 Ways to Develop Student Self-Esteem and Responsibility (with Frank Siccone) and Heart at Work (with Jacqueline Miller).

  Jack is a regularly featured speaker for professional associations, school districts, government agencies, churches, hospitals, sales organizations and corporations. His clients have included the American Dental Association, the American Management Association, AT&T, Campbell Soup, Clairol, Domino’s Pizza, GE, ITT, Hartford Insurance, Johnson & Johnson, the Million Dollar Roundtable, NCR, New England Telephone, Re/Max, Scott Paper, TRW and Virgin Records.

  Jack conducts an annual eight-day Training of Trainers program in the areas of self-esteem and peak performance. It attracts educators, counselors, parenting trainers, corporate trainers, professional speakers, ministers and others interested in developing their speaking and seminar-leading skills.

  For further information about Jack’s books, tapes and training programs, or to schedule him for a presentation, please contact:

  Self-Esteem Seminars

  P. O. Box 30880

  Santa Barbara, CA 93130

  Phone: 805-563-2935

  Fax: 805-563-2945

  Web site: http://www.chickensoup.com

  Who Is Mark Victor Hansen?

  Mark Victor Hansen is a professional speaker who, in the last twenty years, has made over four thousand presentations to more than two million people in thirty-two countries. His presentations cover sales excellence and strategies; personal empowerment and development regardless of stages of life; and how to triple your income and double your time off.

  Mark has spent a lifetime dedicated to his mission of making a profound and positive difference in people’s lives. Throughout his career, he has inspired hundreds of thousands of people to create a more powerful and purposeful future for themselves while stimulating the sale of billions of dollars worth of goods and services.

  Mark is a prolific writer and has authored Future Diary, How to Achieve Total Prosperity and The Miracle of Tithing. He is coauthor of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series, Dare to Win and The Aladdin Factor (all with Jack Canfield), The Master Motivator (with Joe Batten) and Out of the Blue (with Barbara Nichols).

  Mark has also produced a complete library of personal empowerment audio- and videocassette programs that have enabled his listeners to recognize and use their innate abilities in their business and personal lives. His message has made him a popular television and radio personality, with appearances on ABC, NBC, CBS, HBO, PBS and CNN. He has also appeared on the cover of numerous magazines, including Success, Entrepreneur and Changes.

  Mark is a big man with a heart and spirit to match—an inspiration to people of all ages who seek to better themselves.

  For further information about Mark write:

  MVH & Associates

  P. O. Box 7665

  Newport Beach, CA 92658

  Phone: 714-759-9304 or 800-433-2314

  Fax: 714-722-6912

  Web site: http://www.chickensoup.com

  Who Is Patty Aubery?

  Patty Aubery is the vice president of The Canfield Training Group and Self-Esteem Seminars, Inc. Patty came to work for Jack Canfield in 1989, when Jack still ran his organization out of his house in Pacific Palisades. Patty has been working with Jack since the birth of Chicken Soup for the Soul and can remember the days of struggling to market the book. Patty says, “I can remember sitting at flea markets in 100 degree weather trying to sell the book and people would stop, look and walk to the next booth! They thought I was crazy. Everyone said I was wasting my time. And now here I am. Fourteen million copies have been sold of the first eleven books, and I have coauthored two of the books in the Chicken Soup series!”

  Patty is the coauthor of Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul: 101 Stories of Courage and Inspiration from Those Who Have Survived Cancer. She has been a guest on over fifty local and nationally syndicated radio shows.

  Patty is married to Jeff Aubery, and together they have two sons. Patty and her family reside in Santa Barbara, California, and can be reached at The Canfield Training Group, P.O. Box 30880, Santa Barbara, CA 93130, or by calling 805-563-2935, or faxing 805-563-2945.

  Who Is Nancy Mitchell?

  Nancy Mitchell is the director of copyrights and permissions for the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. She graduated from Arizona State University in May of 1994 with a B.S. in Nursing. After graduation Nancy worked at Good Samaritan Regional Medical Center in Phoenix, Arizona, in the Cardiovascular Intensive Care Unit. Four months after graduation, Nancy moved back to her native town of Los Angeles and became involved with the Chicken Soup series. Nancy’s intentions were to help finish A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul and then return to nursing. However, in December of that year, she was asked to continue on full time at The Canfield Group. Nancy put nursing on hold and became the director of publishing, working closely with Jack and Mark on all Chicken Soup for the Soul projects.

  Nancy says that what she is most thankful for right now is her
move back to Los Angeles. “If I hadn’t moved back to California, I wouldn’t have had the chance to be there for my mom during her bout with breast cancer.” Out of that struggle Nancy coauthored Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul: 101 Stories of Courage and Inspiration from Those Who Have Survived Cancer. Little did she know that the book would become her own inspiration when her dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 1999.

  Nancy also coauthored Chicken Soup for the Christian Family Soul and will coauthor the upcoming Chicken Soup for the Nurse’s Soul. Nancy resides in Santa Barbara with her golden retriever, Kona.

  Reach her at: The Canfield Group, P.O. Box 30880, Santa Barbara, CA 93130, or by calling 805-563-2935, or faxing 805-563-2945, or via e-mail at www.chickensoup.com.

  Contributors

  Cynthia Anderson lives in Lexington, Massachusetts, with her family, and teaches at Boston University. Her essays and short stories have appeared in House Beautiful, Redbook, Yankee, The North American Review, Literal Latte and others. Contact her at: cbawrite3@aol.com.

  Antoinette Bosco was formerly executive editor of the Litchfield County Times.

  Debra Ayers Brown is Meredith’smom and director of marketing of Savannah Tech. She graduated magna cum laude from the University of Georgia and has a master’s of business administration. She is a member of the Southeastern Writers’ Association. Her inspirational stories have been included in Guideposts and in the Chocolate series.

  Elizabeth Butera was born in Rochester, New York, where she still lives today. She enjoys playing volleyball, camping, decorating cakes and writing poetry. Elizabeth has a large wonderful family and many caring friends, all of whom she is deeply grateful for. Her favorite thing to do is travel to the ocean.